i need help regarding my step kids, is it coz im a bad person for not liking them?

Carien - posted on 06/28/2012 ( 17 moms have responded )

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i've been with my b/f for a year now, we started of with i have a 4 year old daughter that lives with me and he has 3 children but only the boy lives with him, we moved in together and it is all good i can handle his boy and he understands my rules but its like he doesnt see he has 2 daughters aswell living with their mother, they come visit every second weekend and the oldest daughter is 10years now and smokes now i cant have my 4 year old see that coz i raise my child strict and not want to know that it is right to start shit like that, they lie all the freaking time and my b/f just does everything for his boy like the rest doesnt exist, he buys him big remote cars and the girls get nothing and the once we had a tin for each child that we put money in the same amount in everyone and the boy came and asked where his is and i said anyone his coz the amount of money is the same and he said no his dad gave him money the once the change in his car and told the child not to tell me and my heart was broken coz i hate lies and my b/f teaches him to lie to me and its okay, the oldest daughter wants to come and stay with us at the end of the year and i just said no i cant have her with her smoking and stealing her dads sigarettes and lies, and he always going on about his heart breaks for his 2 girls that lives with their mom but he just wants his boy outa there, it just makes no sense, i dont know what to do anymore, i think i didnt even had this much trouble in my previous marriage than i have now, his ex wife always dumps her shit on us, she sends the kids to us with like one pair of clothes for the whole weekend, i have an aggreement now that my daughter and his son stays with us one weekend and the next weekend its just his 2 daughters then my daughter goes to her dad and his son to is ex but they never keep to the aggreement there is always a story and i just cant take it anymore, im done. when he drops his son at his mother he always sad how his boy cries but when his daughter cries he say nothing and just goes on and even she told me he only sees his sons sadness but never hers, i dont know what to do coz he thinks im picking on his children and his children is always a problem, how can i sort out this problem coz my ex never brings his shit into my house not one weekend

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/28/2012

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I hate to say this, but if you are having this much trouble with this man and his kids, it is time to move on. Blending families is difficult, but this is bad. You don't like the way he parents, and you are living with him? After 1 year of dating? Sorry, but you are not the only one this is effecting. YOu have your daughter to think of, and his kids also. You cannot like/love one kid over another. Becoming a step parent means you are a parent to his kids to. If you cannot hack it, and he is not the father you need him to be to his own kids, how the hell is he going to be any sort of a father to yours? He won't. Move on.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/28/2012

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Listen, you are NEVER going to change his parenting style, or lack there of. So if you don't like it, and you cannot live with it, DON'T! I would not be able to live with a man that totally disregards his kids, and spoils only one. I also would not live with a man that treated me that way. SOrry, but you moving in with him was not well thought out. Change that before it gets to late. Do you want this man to be your daughters step dad? I highly doubt he is living up to those standards with your daughter when he treats his own kids like crap.

Kimberly - posted on 07/01/2012

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Also. Having a child with is a mistake. Have him stuck in your life forever. No way. Painpills to get through the day. Stop! Now! You are on a train to a methadone clinic. Your daughter deserves better. Those pills only numb your misery. Chang your situation get your daughter out of there. Obviously you have had convos with him. He is aware. Just placating you. Hell. I bet he thinks of you as nanny with benefits. Obviously what you need is not a priority. Look. You are a female. I bet he treats you like he treats all females. Run. You are not ties to this man. Run before you are!

Ashley - posted on 07/01/2012

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Honestly - I would consider the situation you are putting your kid in and consider if staying is the right choice .... for me it would not be

second - biological or not - you are the parent in the house and need to enforce your rules with her too - you may be doing them a favor having them live with you - but make it clear that you have a set of rules and if broken there will be consequences -

Usually children who act out want attention, even if that is punishment attention, it means someone cares - they may see you "care" and want that attention - even if they do not seem like it - set your rules, set a set of punishments for those rules that are broken and don't give in...

Michelle - posted on 06/28/2012

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I agree with Little Miss. You can't change the way he parents.

He obviously favours boys over girls and since you have a daughter she will never be treated well by him. Leave him while you can or even take a break but lay the rules down for HIM. He needs to realize that he can't treat the children differently.

You don't want your daughter growing up around a man that thinks that females aren't as superior as males (that's what he's doing with his children). You should find someone that is going to be a POSITIVE role model in her life, not a negative one. Think about your daughter.

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Carolyn - posted on 07/01/2012

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this is tough. i am a stepmom as well, and have a son of my own. when it comes to my husbands kids it never ends. the lies, the disrespect, and they use me like a doormat. these are not "kids", they are grown adults with children of their own, except for his youngest who is 33 and has been in and out of jail with a drug abuse problem. the thousands of dollars we have given his kids is outrageous, and the problem is that he not only used his funds, but the money i had for my son being that i worked full time, i was certain that i too could give my child things as he grew up and for his accomplishments. my husbands kids got rewarded even when they did wrong and just looked at me and grinned, and even said that my son and myself didn't count because we were not true family. after 17 years, and i have breast cancer, and their father is disabled as well and i have been the one that has taken care of him, i am at the end of my rope. i love my husband but can no longer live this way, as i don't know my fate, and i'd rather give my own son the time, because i can never get that back.
i cannot tell you how many times i have been threatened, yelled at, called names, and cut down, even by the kids mother. she never has given them a dime in the past 17 years when they needed help. she cries poverty, but vacations in florida for the winter months, owns duplex's that are paid for and always rented so she gets full profit, and lives with her sugar daddy....but never helps her own children. her daughter is going thru a divorce and money is tight. her response when we asked if she could help us help her out was tell her to get off her fat ass and get another job, even tho she already had a full time job and raises her son alone for the most part.
so my advice to you is to get out while you can, because my experience is that it never ever gets better and you begin to resent your spouse. the kids love that, then the focus isn't on them and that is the time their father just gives them our money then to deal with them. the addict son is so lost that he steals not only my cancer pills but his dad pain medication that they only supply him for 3o days at a time, and he has to go without because his son helps himself to them, and even sells them for profit. he also smokes in the house both cigarettes and pot. my son and my grandson both have asthma, and i can't deal with that with cancer.
cut your losses and go. you owe it to yourself and your child. we can't save everyone, and we need to take care of ourselves so we can take care of our own.
i wish i had better news for you, i really do, but from experience i wanted to be honest with you. there is a better life out there and you really deserve it.
i wish you the best and will say a prayer for you. Let God help you.

Kimberly - posted on 07/01/2012

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Obviously the main problem is your b/f. He clearly is in his own world. You and your daughter are just there. By what you said, his kids are the priority. Favoritism sucks and it hurts all the kids. I was the unfavorable. It came across all my life. He is teaching his kids to lie, letting a ten y.o. smoke. WTF? If it is this bad now, I promise it is only the beginning. Those kids grow and become teenagers. They will lie and manipulate. I think it is time you put your daughter first. No one else can or will. My mom stayed with a couple of guys who treated me bad. Yet my mother stayed. Trust me. My son comes first. Sorry this sucks but life is all about choices. I think deep down you know you need to go. That is you survival and mommy insticnts kicking in. Listen to it. Only you know.

Dixie - posted on 07/01/2012

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Shame on your b/f. Shame on you if you stay with him. If you decide to have children together, he will also lie, and cheat them. Forget him, you and your child deserve better.

Alexandra - posted on 06/29/2012

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I am sorry, honey, you have to go through this. But why are you with this guy? Move on.

Carien - posted on 06/29/2012

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thanks for the help, im planning on leaving him coz i just cant go on like this being unhappy, im more unhappy now then i was in my marriage

Michelle - posted on 06/28/2012

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I wouldn't have a child with him either because if it's a girl he won't want to know her, just like with the daughters he has now.

Amy - posted on 06/28/2012

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I agree with the other ladies it's time to move on! Blending a family is very difficult and if your parenting styles don't mix you're setting yourself up for failure. I don't think it's the kids that are the problem I think it's your boyfriends lack of discipline that is the problem. Move on and good luck.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/28/2012

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Yeah, I would not be having a child with this man. He doesn't like the kids he already has, so if you have one with him, chances are he will treat your child no differently.

Carien - posted on 06/28/2012

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this is very true i just needed to hear it from someone else coz i thought it was like kinda jealousy but i also would like a second child, a little baby boy and its like they have robbed me from that.

Thanks alot you have helped alot to think about and to make a plan to get my life back to normal all happy and spending time with my child alone

Carien - posted on 06/28/2012

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yes we moved in together in feb this year, i think he is letting me not liking them, they are naughty and he doesnt spank them if i want to punish them he say i must not coz their mother most probably already has and she talked to me aswell and told me when they were married it was only his son and not even she could have changed that, he doesnt do anything the 10 year old raises he 3 year old sister, baths her puts her to bed gets treated bad if the 3 year old falls or get hurt the 10year old gets the blame, i come home after 6 has to make food have to bath my daughter has to put her to bed clean up the dishes and he sits on the couch and im starting to dislike him for the things he do and all he ever say is he will change and work on all this, im always the last person to think of and i told him i will never ask him to choose between me and his children coz i have one aswell so i will rather tell him to go but i feel sorry for him coz he loves me but he has a strange way of showing it. if his boy is alone with me its like his an angel and i love him to bits but as soon as his dad arrives its different, he treats his kids like babies and think money and gifts will change everything. i just cant do this anymore, i drink more painpills everyday than just to cope with his behavior with the kids.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/28/2012

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Your words "you can handle his kid" well, that is just being tolerant. That is not a loving step parent. Seriously, move on.

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