I need help with dealing with an 18 yr. old stepdaughter, that has quite high school, won't keep a job and lays around the house all day, after staying up most of the night. The the other three teens in the house get up, go to school, they are involved in sports and her father and I both work full-time in and out of the home. She is verbally abusive, lashes out at her father on a daily basis, goes out and doesn't let us know if she is coming home at night and is stressing our relationship out and our household all together....
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Vicki - posted on 11/25/2012
I am currently going through the same thing with my daughter. I know how you and your family are feeling it is very stressful indeed! Ariana is right her father needs to be the one to deal with this, if he doesnt it wont matter what you personally do it just wont work!
We tried to incourage our daughter to seek councelling and she refussed saying that she has no issues. So my husband and I went instead to learn how and what we can do with a adult who isnt willing to grow up. We to kicked our daughter out and allowed her back in with the promise that she would go back to school or work full time. It wasnt long and we were back to where we were a constant circle over and over. What I realize now with the help from our councellor is that we let her back in with only promises, instaed we shouldnt of let her back in at all, unless she can actually prove that she has enrolled in school and has been going. Our councellor advised us that we sit our daughter down and let her know what is expected of her and what the consenquences are. Let her know that everyone would get along better if she was holding up her end. You and your boyfriend can make up a list together that looks like this: willing to tolerate, maybe? And not willing to tolerate. What ever is under the cadegory of not willing to tolerate maybe that is what you and your boyfriend should focus on for now? Whatever is under the category of maybe, perhaps you would tolrate providing that she was doing what she needed to do? You may want to give her a certain length of time to enroll back in school and if she still chooses not to then her father needs to stand his ground and show her the door and NOT let her back in until she actually can prove she has done so.
Like our councellor said if she is unwilling to seek help for her issues then we have no choice but to move forward with our expectations and our rules! What i mean by this is our daughter chooses to sleep all day instaed of enrolloing in school our looking for work, then gets up showers eats and then goes partying all night. Our councellor and us think she is depressed and perhaps if she was seeking help for this then maybe the eccesive sleeping wouldnt be under our not willing to tolerate list. we could then have diffrent approach. Regardless of what you and your boyfriend come up with a consenquence should not be laid out unless he is absoulty sure he can follow through, constantly giving in shows her she has no reason to grow up. Good luck to you both :)
Dove - posted on 11/25/2012
Her father has to be the one to kick her out and stick with it. Though if she ever hits you again 'I' would call the cops on her for assault. That might not earn any points with her father, but no one lays a hand on me and gets away with it. I would let him know now that that is what you would do though, so there are no surprises.
Ariana - posted on 11/25/2012
It's more up to your husband to deal with his daughter now (with your help of course) because she is his daughter and she's, technically, an adult. If she's got no job and not going to school I would cut off her supply of money. So if she has a phone, or drives the car, or has anything done for her (or paid for her) by you or your husband I would cut it off. Or more tell her that if she refuses to become a contributing member of the household, and refuses to go to school, then she won't have any perks. If you never give her any money she might get up and get herself a job.
If your husband can it might be a good idea to get her to speak with a councellor, or family councellor. She obviously doesn't know where she wants to go in life and a councellor might be able to help her as well as you and your husband figure out whats the best move from here. I mean technically you could just tell her if she keeps acting this way she can move out, then she'll have to get a job/go to school, but it might be better to have a mediator into the situation.
Tracy - posted on 11/25/2012
Her father and I have been together almost two years and living together about a year. I have a 17 yr old daughter and 14 yr old daughter that live with us full-time and my boyfriend has a 12 yr old son that is with us every other week. We have tried giving her space, tough love, we have even gone as far as kicking her out twice, but it kills my boyfriend, even when she went as far as hitting me, for him to have her gone. The last time she was gone for over a month or so and in that time went to jail and totalled her fathers car. We brought her back home with the understanding, after having a heart to heart and the both of us, a one on one discussion that she would get a full-time job, try to get her GED and if her father helped her get a car, pay some of the insurance. This was over three months ago and she has not been able to keep a job, only went to find out about getting her GED once and the second time was too hung over to get up and go and continues to lash out at her dad and our living conditions are stressful for all parties......please I don't know what else to do???
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