I Need some advice

[deleted account] ( 11 moms have responded )

My mother in law is a complete nightmare, before my son was born she basically stalked me (coming to my work all the time, leaving messages, calling my cell at odd hours of the day) My husband works nights and gets home aroung 3-4 am and she would call at 8 and think she had the right to wake us up. She even demanded to be my lamaze couch and tried to make my husband and I do this excersise to "work through the pain" (I'm sorry I'm not going to sit there and let my husband pinch me for an hour!!!!) Than when my son was born she showed up at the hospital at 11pm to give us thse old tarnished baby bracelets that were hers.



Since than she hasn't seen him, she's missed his baby shower because she had something more important to do and the only gift she has ever sent him was two old chewed up teddy bears and an old coloured on animal book.



I would be willing to put up with her rude comments, her know it all attitude if she would step up and be a good grandmother but she has a history of abuse (she threw my husband down a few stairs when he was young and has come at him with her fists) I just dont trust her with my son! I dont know what to do my husband wants her to know he only grandson and I want to keep him safe. I need some ideas because pretending he has a cold isn't going to work forever!

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Libbi - posted on 12/01/2010

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I agree with Shannon - and Trish - I've had two nutty mother in laws, tho luckily didn't have kids the first go round. In the end - your husband needs to deal with his mother and establish boundaries with her himself. Your job is to keep that baby safe and not leave him alone with her if you feel its not in his best interest. And if you both have to stop speaking to her for a bit, put some space between you all and let things calm down, then so be it. In my situation, I had to let my husband know how I felt about things with his mother, I set some boundaries with her by being straight forward and specific, and he went back and reinforced it with her. Its not fun being a grown up sometimes, but once you have kids, you have to do the hard stuff! good luck!

Trish - posted on 12/01/2010

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Sounds harsh...I would come at this at a different angle...MIL can be hard to deal with and awkward. If she doesn't put in the effort that falls on her. Your husband needs to speak up and tell his mum what's up. And you gotta to put up with this lady...cos you guys are connected. You just have to put up with some people. You know this is the lady that gave birth to your husband...without her, your husband wouldn't be alive...Just gotta be respectful even though she's a nutter. And when your son grows up and gets married...you know what NOT to do as a MIL. Good luck and just get your man to set your MIL straight. If she blows up it's all on her. Better to be open and honest...and assertive not aggressive.

Life is too short to be holding negative feelings towards people. And if this MIL is old she's not gonna live forever...Makes me sad that some women make their husbands choose between them or their mothers. I hope when their own sons grow older that they don't do it to them. No body is perfect.

Shannon - posted on 10/23/2009

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Just wanted to add to my earlier comments. You say you are a young couple. NOW is the time to establish your independence! You and your husband have got to get together and decide what the ground rules are going to be for dealing with your inlaws and then stick to it. If you let any of them take control of your life, wether its your parents or his, you are going to be misserable. You need to let them all know right from the start that you are adults now and that you have you own rules for yourselves and your familly. Standing up to your parents is one of the hardest things to do, I KNOW, but its got to be done from the start or things will only get worse. I'm not saying this is the solution for you but my husband and I ended up moiving out of state to get away from the controling influence of his parents and mine!

Krystal - posted on 10/23/2009

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That is really unfortunate if it where me I wouldn't trust her much either. I would be honest tell her what she is doing, and if she wants to be a part of his life their are rules. Your husband should understand and you should talk to his mother together. It will probably not go over very well at first but you son comes first and that's how it is. Hope everything works out.

Donna - posted on 10/23/2009

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Keep your child safe at all costs, and that does mean at all costs. Your MIL sounds like a very selfish and abusive person, if she was willing to hurt her own son, how will she treat a child not from her body? Doesn't sound like she wants to see him too much anyway, but I would say if she does want to see him, it is with extreme supervision as in your home under your nose.



Good Luck

Janice - posted on 10/23/2009

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I agree follow your gut! don't worry about offending anyone! your son is way more important...good luck!

Brianna - posted on 10/23/2009

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I had the same problem. Although my mil didn't abuse my son's father or anything but she was lunatic, has stalked us, woud take my son and not give him back and the list goes on extensively. We no longer speak to her and our lives have never been better. Even my fiance doesn't want to speak to her or for her to see our son because of how crazy she was acting. I mean if he still wants him to see her why don't you just limit it to holidays and no sleep overs. I know plenty of people who don't have ther kids sleep over or go over to peoples houses without them especially at a young age. You don't need to have her babysit if you don't want, and you didn't say if she asks or not but if she isn't, then I definitely wouldn't try to get her to. With my mil she would demand to babysit like literally EVERYDAY and expect us to drop our daily lives to bring our son over everyday. We even let her babysit a few times and found that she wasn't giving him the best care so we stopped. It's better to prevent, than to find out the hard way that she wouldn't take the best care of him.

Shannon - posted on 10/23/2009

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In laws can be a very delicate situation to handle. I KNOW. My first instinct is to think that your mother inlaw, while being a royal pain in the but, is really just trying to be helpful and supportive in her own way (I've had to deal with this myself). If she was a bad mother maybe she's trying to make up for it but doen't really know how. If you can accept that she really is trying to help then you won't bristle every time you hear her voice and you will be less stressed.

As for the gifts, again I'm going to say they were probbably ment well. These teddy bears and bracelets probably meant alot to her and it probably hurts her feelings if you reject them.



Now having said all that let me say this. Your primary job is to keep your children safe, if you don't feel thay are safe with a person - regardless of who it is- don't leave them alone with that person. If she wants to see her grand child welcome her into your house for visits but set up some ground rules right from the start - such as appropriate times etc.



Secondly it sounds like you need to have a long talk with your husband. He needs to chose you over his mother. HE needs to set some ground rules with her and HE needs to defend you to her. I have been through this and it was not only hard on our marriage but it also undermined my athuarity with my children. But when I told my husband how I felt when he just stood back and let me take the abuse, he did start stand up for me and our relationship and for the most part I get along with my inlaws just fine now.

[deleted account]

Quoting April:

wow. i've heard MIL horror stories, but yours makes theirs seem tame! my advice is to follow your gut. if you believe she is capable of hurting your son, keep her away. if you are feeling a little guilty....keep in mind that it seems like a lot of the "kindness" she has showed is really for herself and not your son. Helping you during your pregnancy made her feel important, it seems. Then she took a break and now she wants to feel important again. That's what I got from it, but that is just my opinion.


I agree with you actually. She lives about an hour away from us and demands that we drive out there to visit even though were a younger couple and money is an issue for us so gas is a killer. Whenever she feels inclined to see us its always last min and if we have plans or can't make it she blows up about it. I'm just tired of dealing with her temper tantrums and constant abuse over how she would do everything I do diffrently.

Amanda - posted on 10/23/2009

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well, if she is barely making an attempt to see him anyhow,than it doesnt seem like you have to worry to much.. naturally you want to keep the peace with the in-laws but if you feel she is ever doing anything that is harmful for your son, then you need to step up. mothers and mother in-laws can be madly over baring, but you are the babies mom,period. you say what goes and what isnt going to work. dont let anyone run over you, you know what is best for you and your family...rock out the authority woman...good luck

April - posted on 10/23/2009

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wow. i've heard MIL horror stories, but yours makes theirs seem tame! my advice is to follow your gut. if you believe she is capable of hurting your son, keep her away. if you are feeling a little guilty....keep in mind that it seems like a lot of the "kindness" she has showed is really for herself and not your son. Helping you during your pregnancy made her feel important, it seems. Then she took a break and now she wants to feel important again. That's what I got from it, but that is just my opinion.

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