I need some advice about a problem i have with my husband. We have only been married 2 months and he has a daughter from a former girl-friend. This child is 11 years of age. She's very smart,She knows that her dad and i are married,The problem is he will not stop from sleeping with her. She come over every other weekend and he sleeps with her in her room. He even takes his naps in her room. When she is here it is like i'm not.My husband has told me not to show him affection in front of her,because it upsets her. She has no rescept for me.I'm not to try to make her mind.They go everywhere together and i have to stay home. I started going to my mothers house when she is here because it upsets me so bad.We have been together 3 years and he has always slept with her but i thought after we were married this would stop.I don't think it is a good thing or healthy for her or him. And yes i have to admit there is very hard feeling between this girl and i.When she lives on Mondays it's days before he and i can even talk because he is mad about the weekend,saying i should understand and not be mad about it.I'm sorry i can't help but be mad..
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Ariana - posted on 10/11/2012
I would say make a compromise. Tell him you think he is choosing his daughter over you and, yes, you understand he wants to be close to his daughter, but he needs to show her you are also a very important part of his life.
I would suggest that, sure, his daughter can sleep with him, in his and your bed. He sleeps with you every night, and he's started this bad habit with his daughter. I would get him to explain to her that now that you two are married he is going to be sleeping in bed with you (as married people do) and that if she wants to she can sleep in bed with the two of you.
Maybe you would dislike this, but it's better then having him cater to her completely, and keeps from major resentment happening. It shows that NO he's not choosing you over her, or her over you, but that she needs to respect that you are now a permanent part of his life and she will have to blend together.
Once you've managed to get her into his and your bed for a couple months you can slowly work your way to having her sleep on the floor beside your bed etc. I would make sure she's comfortable with the arrangement of both of you first. Even if you're super uncomfortable with three people in the bed this is how their relationship has been and he's obviously comfortable with co-sleeping. If he is unwilling to do this then he is not being very reasonable. This solves the problem for both of you and you should tell him so.
Unfortunately he has set this up badly since you've been involved for three years, he's already started these bad habits with her and he will be responsible for slowly changing it.
You also need to tell him that although he should have some special alone time with his daughter, he also needs to have her around you to realize that you are a special person in his life. He needs to go on trips with you and her and show her that he loves her and loves you. You might even say you and her should go on trips by yourselves every once in a while to do special girl things (not until these other things have been addressed).
If your husband will not compromise with you you need to go see a family councellor about these things. He, of course, needs to make his daughter his top priority but he also needs to show her that she needs to respect those people important in his life. You are his wife, not some new girlfriend and he needs to start treating you like it.
Tell him you want to have a better relationship with her as well. He's causing a major rift between you and his daughter by not treating you with respect and not allowing you to develop a relationship with her. Really try to focus on the solution of these things instead of the problems. I know that sucks but when communicating people tend to get defensive if you start throwing all the blame at them (even when it's justified...).
I would say try to take baby steps but really talk to him about how you want to be treated like his wife and develop a good relationship with his daughter. If he won't listen to you find a couples or family councellor who you can speak with together to work some of these things out.
Susan - posted on 10/14/2012
I want to thank everyone for there reply. It is a very bad situation,She comes this weekend from Friday till Monday morning.Since the last time she was here things have been great between myself and her dad. But today Is Sunday,i can feel the tension already.I did know before we married that he slept with his daughter and never did approve of it.He was court-ordered 2 times not to sleep with her.She starts screaming and crying at bedtime and he sleeps with her. When he ask me to marry him we talked about this for along time,He said he would have to tell her over time. She knows and he still will not sleep with me. He acts like he is doing her wrong by sleeping with me. I have told him i would sleep in her room with them,He got mad and said that would not work,She would not want me in there. I have did everything i know to do,If i mention it again he gos into a rage and will not speak to me. I don't know what to do,she controls everything,part of my life to. I had no idea this would be such a problem,If i had i would have did things another way. I feel it's them against me. He was laying on the sofa and was going to turn over,He went in her room first to tell her,I ask why,He wanted her to know so she would not be upset. It's crazy.Again thank you for your help and it's all good advice. He also said that he only gets to see her every other weekend and he should get to sleep with her. He wants to spend every second with her.
Amanda - posted on 10/11/2012
This sounds like a horrible situation. I am confused about a couple of things. 1. If your husband really loves and cares about you enough to be your husband, why he is letting his daughter control the relationship? 2. If you knew all of this prior to getting married, why did you get married in the first place. 3. An eleven year old should probably not be regularly sleeping with an adult male, even if it is her father, but this could just be my opinion as an American.
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