I need some advice and to know if im doing the right thing can anyone help???

Tarsha - posted on 12/14/2009 ( 121 moms have responded )

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Ok this is going to be a long one ... just warning you... I got into a relationship with a guy 3 months younger than me he moved in with me and my parents. He was a really nice guy for the first 3-4 months and then he verbally abused my mother, controlled me and verbally abused me (a mate of mine said he saw him hit me across the face but i don't remember that) I feel pregnant to him and that was ok except he kept going on to me about wanting to move out and for us to get a place of our own. Except i kept telling him no as he wasn't working and i was on a benefit as i wasn't aloud to work because of a car accident. That i wanted to stay at home with my parents so we could get some savings behind us so we could support our child. He wasn't happy about this and one night we got into a big argument about this and he got so angry he went for a walk at about 1am. My dad got up at saw me in tears and asked me what was going on and if i was ok. I told him what was going on and my dad had had enough of his bull and when my partner got home my father asked him to leave. I was going to stay with him but let him leave and me stay at home UNTIL he walked out of my home and abused my father and my dad went out there and asked what he was saying and then kept asking him to leave and he wouldn't leave my dad asked him to leave about 5 times and he would leave. My partner then punched my dad in the face. I watched this all from my bedroom. I was NOT happy about any of this. I then stopped contact with him so i could calm down. i then thought we could work things out but he got even more controlling and abusive via text and his mother got in on the act. They were saying i should abort that i was nasty cause i told my baby's father that it was over. Then the baby's Nana told me that just cause im pregnant doesn't mean i couldn't be hurt she knew how much my parents meant to me and told they could end up broken i got very upset about this and went to the police station and went through court and got protection orders out on them. That helped me through my pregnancy. Then when my son was born the hospital helped and put the hospital into lock down so that anyone that came in had to be identified. 3 months later we went through court proceedings so my son's father could have visitation rights to see our son as i was worried if he could do that to me and my family what could he do to our son if he wouldn't stop crying. So he got visitation rights which was fine by me He was allowed to see our son every Thursday for 2 hours from 9am till 11am. He turned up for the first few weeks and then he started coming up with excuses why he couldnt come and see our son. Sleeping probs, Not enough gas etc.. He keeps telling me that he still loves me etc. but i had told him that we are not going to get back together as im not willing to put our son through that. Thats when he turned so nasty. He started telling me he didnt want the supervisor there as he wants to just spend time with me and my son. Then he told me to choose between the supervisor and him?? I choose the supervisor as i don't want my son getting hurt. And i know thats all my babys dad is going to do. I am going full custody. He didnt come to our first court hearing for custody. Then we ended up in a big argument via text and he told me not to contact him anymore and if i did he would get a protection order out on me and take custody. Does anyone have any advice for me and am i doing the right thing ???

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Sharon - posted on 12/14/2009

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Gawd. What a mess. This jerk will be a thorn in your side for the rest of your life. he will suck the life out of your child every chance he gets. But whats done is done and you have no options now.



Protect your child. Keep doing what you're doing. Protect your child.



Stop texting him. Let the courts contact him. you owe him nothing. If he wises up at all he'll use the texts against you the first chance you get.



Get a restraining order against him if you can. use your friends recollection of you being slapped as testimony. Use the texts he's sent you, get every bit of testimony you can from friends & family to stop him from contacting you.



Then stay aware for child abduction, parental custody interference. Wow your life is going to be a bigger mess than you ever dreamed. I really feel for you.



hang in there.

[deleted account]

Hi there

I fell pregnant when I was 17, got married cause my parents insisted and kept trying for my daughters sake for three years, It ended up in a verbal and physical abusive nightmare, very similar to yours.

I had to hide in another town untill my court date just to keep my child save.

I ended up being a single mom with no family. living on the streets for a while untill two great friends helped me out. I got a job, insisted on maintanance and he just dissapeared even though he told me he loved me even more after the divorce.



My daughter is 15 now, I got married two yaers after my divorce. He tried to kidnapp her three times, stalked us and even pitched out my house, so drunk that I had to phoen teh copps. He tried his level best to stuff up my new life. We had to move a few times just to get rid of him. Last year she told him over tha phone that he is not her father and she hates him, Never heard a word of him agian,



I think you are doing the best thing for your son, my daughter had alot of pain, felt rejected and thrown away, I kept on being honest with her, always telling her the truth but I also told her that he loved her. It is hard on a child. You have teh support of your parents, keep on loving your child, and all will turn out fine

June - posted on 12/15/2009

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Firstly, you have every right not to let him be alone with a new baby. Court proceedings is the only way you are going to get any peace of mind for you and your family. I would not want to be involved with anyone who could treat my family so badly. I am 63 yrs old so have had a lot of experience through life. My son has been a good father but has been denied access to his three girls since father day. we are going through the same proceedings, we wont know untill the 22 if he will get to see his girls for the 3 rd xmas, our solicitor said she is connieving. The thing you have to start doing, RIGHT now is start a day to day diary, it becomes evidence and law, I have been keeping one for 3 yrs now, and previously to the last time she took the kids away also. Write every conversation down on the day, write down every text message, and if he has a computer keep a folder of his emails for further problems. Write down his excuses as to why he is not going to see his son. This is all taken into account when he goes to get custody. If he does, it is probably all talk. XXXXX June

121 Comments

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Heather - posted on 05/11/2016

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I couldn't read everything because an add was in the way but what I did read was not good. Take full custody of your child and run.

Bobbi - posted on 03/11/2016

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Please hanginthere.you are doing the right thing just make sure the baby daddy doesn't kidnap kids so you are running around looking for them and them everything gets taken from you because he threatens you will never see them again or you die unless you sign the papers the way he wants. O have been miserable for six en yewrs

Shalon - posted on 08/24/2013

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I couldn't even read the whole post but just skimming through it, I say, RUN RUN RUN FAST FAST AS YOU CAN AND NEVER LOOK BACK!! I'm concerned for your child's safety and the abusive influence this man will have on the child.

Kathi - posted on 01/05/2010

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First off, I know that was not easy living or for that matter writing your life down for everyone to see. A child changes everything. First protect yourself and your child. Remember everything that father (boyfriend) has done and can do is a good possibility he can do it to your child. Usually the fighting comes from a pride-thing of wanting to be right. Whether it be his parents wanting him to fight for their grandchild or him just wanting to keep the attention. Stop fueling the fight, step back, and let the courts take the course. Really think about the future and what you want that would be best for your child when it concerns this man. Don't forget to think about you and hold yourself on a higher level. Remember you are a mother now and the protector and guardian of that little life you hold in front of you. When you do step back, you'll notice if the father really wants to have a true roll with your child. You can't make him be a father, just like you couldn't control him from the beginning. It is what it is and he is what he is. You didn't mention if he had a substance issue or an anger problem either. You can document and make sure the courts hear of your concerns with this also. Please trust your own intuition, it's usually right. I wish you the best and congratulations on your son!

Dene - posted on 12/31/2009

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You are doing the right thing. If there was abuse once, more than likely there will be again. I am happily married to my 3rd husband. I had been through 2 bad marraiges, had 2 children from each. Trust me, it does effect the children. My 2 oldest were visiting their father's family one Christmas and my 2nd husband and I got into it and he punched me in the face in front of my youngest 2, ages 5 and 6. They can still remember it after 15 yrs. I remember when I first met my 2nd husband my 3 yr old told him "my daddy hits my mommy". I was floored. If he is so blazen to be abusive to your parents, protection is a must. You have parents who care about you and your child. You are blessed. Don't let anyone take away your freedom. Controlling people have underlying issues. Good luck. You are a mommy first and foremost.

Shahnaz - posted on 12/31/2009

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Tarsh i believe in my heart you did the right thing my life story is similar to yours maybe worst than yours men take this life for some kind of joke they are never serious and never want anything in life only to take over your life and destroy it

Deloris - posted on 12/22/2009

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I would say that you are doing the right thing. You have to do whatever it takes to protect your family. I would stop any and all forms of communication with him, and let the law and courts take it fom here. With him not showing up when he was needed to show, proves that he is unrealiable and careless...just let the courts see that and they should rule in your favor. Good luck and May God Bless you and your family.

Evone - posted on 12/21/2009

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baby...I WISH MORE YOUNG MOMS WERE LIKE YOU. Hell yeah you did the right thing, he was abusive to not only you but your family. Sweetie If he'll disrespect your father and put his hands on him, just imagine what could become of the baby. Did you not watch the news when the boyfriend couldn't get even with his childs mother so he killed their baby girl? MOMMAS< shit like this happens in real life. But KUDOS to you for seeing the signs early. I was one of those moms that wnated my son to have his father so bad that i was willing to sacrifice my happiness and saftey for it to happen...he put me in the hospital while i was preganat with my secong child okay. Baby it's not worth the drama. And remeber that children see and hear everything so the bahaviors can be picked up. Doing the right thing? HELL FUCKIN yEAH(excuse my mouth) you thought of your child first. And your child is an extention of you. YOU ARE A GREAT MOM for putting the saftey of your child first, don't let anyone tell you different, not family, not friends, not even a person responding to you on the internet okay? so glad to hear you got rid of the demon in your life. I'll be praying for you, but again i am so proud of you.

Rachael - posted on 12/20/2009

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you need to get away from him now. i married a man like that thinking he would change.. he didnt our lives were threatened often then i got courage to leave he killed himself.. not to be heartless but better him than us.. this was 19 years ago. my boys are lovely young men now with a fantastic step father...let the courts deal with him.. he may just give up lets hope for sake he does.. dont contact him unless your child has a life threating reason for you to do so.. ( this would only be out of curtisy).. you will live much happier to forget his family.. good luck

[deleted account]

Don't let this guy control your life or your child life by letting him make decisions based upon whether he wants to see his son. Sound like he is trying to manipulate you into getting back together with him. Don't contact him let him contact you if he wants to see his son. Some guys want to see the child on their terms let him take it to court. Protect your child and let him do what he needs to do if he wants to see your child.

Cheryl - posted on 12/20/2009

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I've read the post, all very good advice, you can hear a repeating theme here. Abusive men can not be trusted, You and your families safety are are stake here. Get the protection orders, DO NOT Contact him, do it through a 3rd party only and then it should be legal stuff, not personal. You WILL get custody, the laws protect your baby from ending up with this unfit person being a "father". It's really messy right now but it will get better and some day this will just be a bad memory. I know all this from experience. I understand your delemia, but you CAN stay strong for your child and you will make a great life for the two of you. I have one suggestion that may be difficult to do, when the legal stuff is done, move away, just far enough so you can still easily come visit your family on the weekend. It will help your piece of mind and still allow you the support of your family. You can overcome this, tons of women are or have been in your situation and their are many support agencies to help you through it too. Contact one, TODAY, ok, tomorrow, today is Sunday, lol

Naomi - posted on 12/19/2009

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You are doing absolutely the right thing, don't ever doubt that! You sound strong for standing up to him, & not getting sucked into "his world" & then stuck made to feel worthless unable to get out like so many woman. Like everyone else has said do everything you can to keep him away from you & your child cut all contact with him, & get good advice & support from all the available recources. Stay Strong.

[deleted account]

Don't text him anymore. Keep in close contact with your attorney and if you don't already have one, get one and a good one. Make sure they specialize in family law. Make a journal of all the fights/talks/text etc that go on between you and he. Keep a log of day/time/what took place etc. Be polite to him always and don't use harsh words or threats. He can use it against you in court. If you would like to talk to me more you can add me as a freind on facebook. Monica Boone Bonynge. Hope this helps. I only briefly scanned your post as I am in a hurry but I got the main points of it. So sorry for all you are going through. God bless.

Rachelle - posted on 12/19/2009

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Yes, it is real easy. Get full custody and move on with your life. The guy sounds like he is a waste of life. There is no reason for you, your family and child to go through the BS that he would put you through.

Gail - posted on 12/19/2009

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I think your right to keep your son away from that man. I would leave it up to the courts for them to notify him about a court date and if he doesn't want anything to do with you then just leave him alone. It sounds like he has control issues and doesn't want to have to submit to anyone that has any kind of authority so don't take the baby to him on your on or you will wind up back in a situation with him and this time you might not be as lucky as you were the first time around. Your number one priority has to be your sons safety so if there is no supervisor then there should be no visit.

Rickie - posted on 12/19/2009

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I have been there and tryed to be "nice" by letting him have have his rights. He no longer has any! Don't contact him any more and let the courts deal with him. If the decided that he can have visitation then make sure there is a mediator or supervisor there to be with your child also. Hope it all works out.

User - posted on 12/19/2009

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Please remember that you and your child need have security and a life that you can be happy with. Please don't lose your parents over some fool that don't love you or your child. You are not the first nor will you be the last to be a single mother. Don't let him scare you into letting him back in your life . Nor let him scare you by telling you that he is going to take your child. He is an abusive man and has NO chance of getting your son from you. Continue through the courts to do the right things for your son and yourself. Real man will never hurt you nor make you feel like you are worthless. Be strong stay away from him and focus on being a good mother. You can do BAD all by yourself . Don't allow a man to bring you down and feel worthless.

User - posted on 12/19/2009

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He sounds like he needs help and even getting help with his severe issues will most likely not ever help him 100%. he is abusive and controlling, and its an illness. if you want to live in peace and be happy and have no more drama for your entire family including your son i suggest that you go after your 100% custody and dont ever ask for anything from him. even if you dont go to court for the custody, he will probably just move on to other things as a child is so much work, lack of sleep and time. his telling you he loves you is a way to try to control you. he has anger issues and needs to learn how to love himself. this is a no situation for the everyone involved. dont contact him or return his calls. your first priority is your son. you need to build a healthy positive life for him. as a single mom and with your family's loving support you can do this. no matter what he says to you he will never change and you need to understand and accept this and walk away.

Renae - posted on 12/19/2009

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You are absolutely doing the RIGHT thing! You are 100% right. The only thing you could do better is DO NOT have any further contact with his guy. Do not text him, do not speak on the phone.



I wouldn't be surprised if he stops showing interest in your child. Its unfortunate that men do that. If he stops wanting to see your child, leave him alone. He is so sort of father figure anyway. Your dad (and any other male family members) can be the male role model your son needs.



I am so proud of you. The whole time reading your story I was waiting for when you would make a major mistake, like take him back, or move out with him to be a family. But you didn't. You did the exact right thing every single time. Stay strong. You know what's best for your baby, you have already proven that.

Sandy - posted on 12/19/2009

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Stop all communications with him. the more you text him the more he is going to abuse you. I hope your dad pressed charges onhim, and Ihope you press froward with your protection orders. Use them if you have too. Don't let him or his family abuse you or your child any more. Let your attorney and the courts deal with him.

User - posted on 12/19/2009

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Tarsha, if I was you I would make sure that all the AVO's are in order and any more phone calls or text messages are shown to the police. He has broken any orders that you had in place just by contacting you. I have been where you are and believe me you need to get this guy out of your baby's and your life. The sooner the better.
Obviously, from what you have said your son is your priority, just try and forget about him, sounds like your family are very supportive, which is are big help. If he contacts you in any way ring the police. Your dad should have laid charges against him, what a low act. Your ex seems like all he wants to do is control you and every part of your life, which is why he wanted to move out and get your own place, to get you away from your parents. Tarsha, you are better off without him. You will be happier and your son will be safer.

Rhonda

Karen - posted on 12/19/2009

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what a mess, but you are very lucky you have the support of your parents. Trust them and with their support believe it or not you will get there.

Gwyn - posted on 12/18/2009

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Please, please go to the Library (free) and get Patricia Evans' "The Verbally Abusive Man; Can He Change" or any of her books. This one makes it very all very clear w/o a lot of reading. You will get the message fast. It will all make sense to you. Don't stay in the dark any longer. She knows more about this than most. Many shrinks will simply ask why you antagonize him. They don't get it. He doesn't see you at all. He sees his Dream woman and when you interrupt that fantasy, you pay. That's why he was so nice at first. Read the book; then move on. Contemplate the millions of men there are. If you wrote a list of what you want in a man, would he fit the bill? Probably a little but not 100%. Love yourself more than that and you'll find a man who will, too. Take precautions and don't hesitate to reach out for help. God Bless you and your child.
P.S. Your Dad has good instincts; tell him so.

Monica - posted on 12/18/2009

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You are doing the RIGHT thing!! So happy to see you put the safety of your child FIRST!! That is awesome and a sign of a very strong, mature woman. I am so proud of you! Your son doesn't need any Daddy that will verbally abuse him or harm him in any way. Remember, the Lord says He is the father of the fatherless. So daddy doesn't want to be in his son's life the way he should be, then eventually he will probably not want anything to do with him either. Good riddance!! You are on the right track. Just pray to the Lord daily about your problems and cares. He will fix your situation. Good luck and God bless!!

Alisa - posted on 12/18/2009

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I can't believe you even had to ask...but be reassured that you are. He's got problems, and if he abused the other members of your family, not to mention you, you can be sure he will abuse the little boy too, it's just a matter of time. To be short and to the point...lose the loser...and don't look back!

Michelle - posted on 12/18/2009

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Sever his parental rights for good, document any threats, don't violate any standing legal orders (like if he decides to show up all the sudden for his supervised visit), and don't go out of your way to communicate with him. Get protective orders as the threats keep coming in. It sounds like it won't be hard to get full custody. Just don't give him anything to try to stop you (interfering with his current visitation etc). Your son comes first. The court should see that cutting him out is best for your son. People do a lot of threatening these days about fighting for custody when it comes to kids but it's usually an empty threat because they have nothing to stand on to get it.

Marie - posted on 12/18/2009

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WOW, i would say you are doing the right thing 100% you see your self the type of person he can be, dont think for one second that he will change unless HE wants to....



As i have read what others have wrote, i agree with the fact that you are the only one that can truly protect your son, he needs you more then anything. You must be his voice untill he can speak of what he wants. I dont think you will have a problem getting full custody of him, there is proof he is abusive to you and your family.



Hang in there, change your number and try to move on...The mother always wins custody if the father is NOT FIT as he is not.



I feel bad for you but you got a beautiful son out of it and he needs you.

User - posted on 12/18/2009

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sweetheart, one word of adivce...turn to your parents for guidance as it seems that you know what you need to do...you do what you need to for the child/baby..as for the boyfriend, no one needs the abuse or mental abuse...keep your child protected at all times...as far as what you are doing in the courts?..keep doing it, at least your smarter than some of these mothers out there, you are going about it the right way...everything legally...you deserve an awesome life for you and your child, seem as though you have your families support so i say keep on doing what your doing...STOP communication with this man it doesnt seem to be healthy for you or your child..if this man loved you and that child ,he would do what he needed to do to make things right...go about your wonderful life with your child...best of luck to you!!!

JoAnn - posted on 12/18/2009

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I think you are totally doing the right thing. If this guy truly cared about your son or you he would have done anything to make it right.. including supervised visitation. You have to do whatever it takes to protect your kid! No matter who has to be cut out of your lives. Trust your instincts. You're doing the right thing.

User - posted on 12/18/2009

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YOUR SON FATHER JUST WANTS TO KEEP CONTROL OVER YOU AND YOUR SON. THE BEST THING YOU COULD DO FOR YOUR SON IS CONTINUE TO LET YOUR PARENTS HELP YOU. TAKE IT FROM A MOTHER OF 2 DAUGHTERS I THOUGHT STAYING IN A ABUSIVE MARRIAGE WAS THE ANSWER, BUT THE ONLY THING THAT DID WAS CAUSE ALOT OF PROBLEMS FOR MY KIDS. SO LET HIM STAY WITH HIS MOTHER AND YOU CONTINUE TO TRUST IN THE LORD AND HOLDING YOUR HEAD UP, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. IN DUE SEASON EVERYTHING WORKS ITSELF OUT, AND HE CAN'T GET CUSTODY OF YOUR SON BECAUSE HE IS NOT A FIT PARENT.

User - posted on 12/18/2009

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Wow! I cant believe you could put up with that for this long. First of all, cut all contact. He is obviously a loser!!! And the most important thing for you to do is worry about the well being of you and your child. You are obviously a good mother cus there are plenty of women who would have made other decisions in those situations. But you made the right ones. Keep your protection order and continue for your fulll custody. He doesnt care about you or you lil boy. As much as that hurts to hear it is the truth. I went thru the same situation and I kept letting him come back. And it only got worse. I now have a 4yr old boy and a 3 yr old boy whom I raise ON MY OWN. It can be done. I promise. Just keep your head up and ignore him. He is the one losing here because you get to wake up everyday to that beautiful smile, kiss every boo-boo, be there for his first day of school, ect...MAYBE, and i mean a big maybe, your baby dad will one day grow up and reality will hit him. But he will have lost all of those moments and trust me, he will regret it. He will be the one hurt in the long run. So continue to do you and you will be just fine. Best of luck to you and your son!

Racquel - posted on 12/18/2009

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Right now are all the warning signs to see how immature his behavior is. Respect is the most important thing right now. If the both of you can gain some respect for each other, the both of you can move on living healthy lives in a respectful manner. Just keep telling him that you want him to respect you and you will do the same. Reiterate that the two of you must get along for the child.

Kelly - posted on 12/18/2009

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Sweetheart, take it from someone who's been in a similiar situation, not quite as bad as yours, but similiar. Stop the texting, cause he CAN and WILL use what ever they say against you - but you CAN use those texts against him. If he's threatened you or your son in them - USE THEM!!! If he's not trying to spend the amount of time with his son that he gets with him, then he won't ever - all he's doing is trying to use the baby to control you - Don't let him. Your baby boy is your number one concern - his well-being is all you need to worry about and it sounds to me like its in his best interest to have nothing to do with his father. Best of luck to you and please let me know if I can help in anyway. ♥ Kelly

Lori - posted on 12/18/2009

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You are doing the right thing. It seems to me that the father is a deadbeat dad and isn;t concerned with your child. If he was he would have done anything to show you how dedicated he was to the baby. I am so glad you got out of that relationship because it is toxic, the kind that someone ends up dead. I was in one of those. I didn't have kids to him, but it almost ended with my life. but he went to prison for min. 19 years.

User - posted on 12/18/2009

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I agree with Wendy Cunningham above, the only reason he doesn't want supervised visitations is because he has to behave if someone else is around. You and your son are not safe around this man or his mother for that matter. Do not be around him alone! He has the potential to hurt you and your son and possibly take your son if you are alone with him.

Your son will never hate you, he will be able to see the kind of person his father is and know you did what was best.

Please stay safe!

Marian - posted on 12/18/2009

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Whatever you do, please do not ever get back with this person. I am glad to hear that you are safe. This sounds like the type of person that winds up murdering his family. If he can't even respect your parents, he is not worthy of 1 minute of your time. As for your sone, sometimes it is better not knowing your father than it is to know him. I have never nown my father, but I have 2 sisters who do know their father, and he has put them through so much emotional crap that I wish they were as lucky as I am. Hopefully oneday you will meet a wonderful kind man who will make a wonderful "dad" for your son, Even if you don't your love will be plenty for your son. You are definately doing the right thing. Good luck with your situation. Things will eventually get better.

Rosie - posted on 12/18/2009

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um, definitely! except for the part about letting your child around that maniac! go through the courts and GET YOURSELF AND CHILD AWAY FROM HIM! my biological father was abusive towards my mother and my sister and i. my mother stayed with him cause she was scared, and he was always sooooooo "sorry". after 2 marriages to this crazy man, my mother finally left and took us away from him when i was 2 and my sister was 5. my sister is really screwed up to this day. she is an alcoholic, a drug user, bipolar and very promiscuous-4 babies by 4 different daddy's. it will hurt your child in the long run to let him be around an abusive man in so many ways more than physical. please please please do not have any more contact with him for your child and your sake. i cannot stress this enough.

Chantelle - posted on 12/18/2009

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you sound like you have your head on right. stick to your guns. it sounds like he is trying to find ways to keep you in his life. unfortunately it sounds like he is using baby to keep holds on you which is why he had problems with supervised visits. get lots of support, keep putting yourself and baby first and keep being the strong mum you have been so far. hopefully he will either grow up and be a dad or get bored and allow you to get on with your life

Gayle - posted on 12/18/2009

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Good Lord, don't worry about your son hating you for not allowing his father in his life. Better that than have him hate you for staying with an abusive father. Not only that but if you did allow this guy to stay in your son's life, chances are your son will learn to be abusive too. You are right to ditch this guy. Remember...any guy can be a father, but it takes a special one to be a Dad. Your son is better off having your Dad as a role model.

User - posted on 12/18/2009

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You and your son both need to stay away from this guy. He is crazy and proven that he is violent.

Corinna - posted on 12/18/2009

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You are doing the right thing, keep your head up hunny it will get better and believe it or not he will eventually dissapear from your life and your sons. Keep fighting for what you already know is the right thing to do you are the only voice for that little boy. I wish I was as strong as you are right now 14 years ago then I wouldn't be living with the remorse and guilt about what I allowed some man to do to my son's.

User - posted on 12/18/2009

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I'm very sorry you are going through this but I believe you have done the right thing in insisting on supervised visits for your son. Your ex has major anger issues and I would be concerned if he had the baby on his own that he would hurt him because he would not be able to handle it if he couldn't get your son to stop crying. He also has no knowledge of how to take care of a baby. Stay strong. I agree with so many of the responses that you should not continue answering his text messages .. leave them on your phone and show them to your lawyer. Have all contact go through the lawyer. Abusive men are master manipulators.

Do not be afraid that your son will hate you because you kept him from his father. His father has a choice to see his son if he does everything the court asks of him. If the father doesn't want to see his son because of the supervision then he really doesn't care about the relationship. A father who truly loves his son will jump through whatever hoops he needs to so that he can see the son and build a relationship. When your son is older you can explain to him what happened. If you are a loving mother and give him love and support, he will know you did what was best for him at the time. If his father gets to see him your son will still figure out what type of man his father is. It is not in your best interest or your son's for you to get back together with his father.

Another piece of advice I would have is to go to counseling. Talk to someone who is well versed in dealing with women who have been in abusive relationships. Go to a support group as well. Get all the help you can get. It is great that you have your parents who are supporting you and are there for you. Do everything the court tells you, even if you do not like it because if you go against the court that will just hurt your chances. I do not know the laws in New Zealand but I know that where I live if you have a child out of wedlock that paternity has to be established before visitation is even considered. Also, the mother automatically has sole custody if she is not married unless something happens. That does not mean he won't get some visitation. But, if he is awarded visitation I would insist on it being supervised and ask the court to make him go to anger management classes and also through counseling.

Some people have said to pray for him that he can be changed. Yes, God does have the power to change him and I would say you can pray for him and pray that he will want to be a good father and will be one to your son, but also protect yourself and your son. It is his loss if he chooses not to see his son because he has to do it through the supervisor. By not showing up for the supervised visits that proves to the court that he doesn't like to be told what to do and will not follow the court's stipulations. I would not worry about him winning custody. The issue is if he will be awarded unsupervised vistiation and at this point it seems highly unlikely. Even if they are considering it, they usually will have a psychologist talk to several people involved and that would include your parents who can tell them about the abuse when he was living in their homes.

Good luck to you. Stay strong and keep looking to your family and friends for support. Get some counseling yourself. Know that this is the best thing you can give to your son and you are doing the right thing. God bless you and keep you and your son safe.

User - posted on 12/18/2009

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He has a record. There is help for people like your baby's father, but only if he wants it. You are now responsible for this child and to even consider a relation with a man who is so irresponsible, so child like and so abusive is putting your baby at risk. Surround yourself with healthy people. You might want to get some help for yourself as we often choose partners like the ones we've broken off with... because of who we are inside.. I've been married almost 20 years. Things are not perfect but it is possible to have a healthy happy relationship. I attribute that to my Christian background. Forgiveness is huge, inner strength that does not come from me is crucial, a great sense of humor is important, boundaries, good same sex relationships, etc...

Just remind yourself you expect the basics…. a good provider, a faithful steady man who adores you. Be careful with new relationships as many people who try to blend a family find it virtually impossible. There are very few unselfish people in the world. Don’t settle. We’re not talking perfect, we’re talking a good man.

People do change, maybe the father of the baby will wake up one day appalled at his behavior and seek help… but don’t give in until there are solid results… a good job, a place to live, on going counseling for him, accountability with a group of people, people that love you cheering the two of you on…. Without that KEEP AWAY!!!

Prayers coming your way.

A friend in Washington.

Lisa

Kylee - posted on 12/18/2009

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oh my god i feel for you, and you keep protecting that little boy of yours, you are doing the right thing once an abuser always an abuser unless he is willing to stick to the rule and get some help you keep that little boy very close to you. the fact that his isn't willing to even keep the appointed times set by the courts says it all. that man doesn't want to be a father he just likes to see people getting hurt and he loves to be in controll. the way he treated your family and your father just shows how little respect he has for any one in this world, i believe his mother is the same , our children learn alot from us. stay strong and true to what you believe you you will go far hope this helped in some way and good luck

User - posted on 12/18/2009

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You can't be serious! Get the hell away from that loser and keep your child from him and his sick family. Keep every nasty note he sends you and write down every abusive thing he does and date it. You will probably end up in court with this loser somewhere along the line...document the abuse and move on!

Sharon - posted on 12/17/2009

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Hi, my name is Sharon Taylor. I would like you to know that you are not alone. I too was in an abusive relationship. When he would get angey he would hit me and this went on for 6 years. He threatened to take my kids away from me, but when I took him to court I won and he had to pay child support. He had visitation set for once a week and seldom showed up. After a few months he said he was sorry and he would never hit me again. I gave him another chance, but he broke his promise and beat me up. I took my kids and moved out. I had to go on welfare to feed my kids. But I was away from him and my kids and I were safe. One day he came to my house drunk and wanted to see the kids. I told him "NO" and he tried to push his way into my apartment, but I forsed the door closed and called the police. He was handcuffed and spent the night in jail. I never took him back and my kids grew up happy without their father in their lives. You don't need him. Stay with your parents and raise your son. Your dad will be the best father figure that your son will ever have (and possibly his best friend}. And your parents can teach him more than your EX will ever be able to teach him. My parents tuaght my kids more than I ever thought was possible. If you ever want on need to let off some stress and want to vent you can vent on me, and I promise to listen and help whenever I can. My email is auntsquishy@gmail.com so feel free to write whenever you want. Here is a little hint...keep a notebook handy and when your son does something you want to remember write it in the notebook wan then you can give it to him when he grows up. And his kids will want to know what he was like growing up. It will make wonderful memories.

User - posted on 12/17/2009

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You are definately doing the right thing. YOu need to keep your child, yourself and your family safe. That idiot is nothing but trouble and drama, you do not need that. Sounds like you have all the support you need with your family. I know it's hard because that is the father of your child but who knows what he is capable of doing. He has no respect for you or your family...why would he treat your child any different? I would stop communicating with him out side of the court order. Hang in there.

Amanda - posted on 12/17/2009

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Girl your doin the right thing. Protect your child and yourself from this guy. He doesn't want to be a daddy anyways.

[deleted account]

This man is very angry and controlling. Your father should have called the police the night that he got punched in the face. You have to cease all contact with this boy. You will be better off in the long run, take advantage of the fact that you are young, get a restraining order, and go back to school and get an education. You have to look towards the future now that you are responsible for another life. Unfortunatley your parents are not going to be around forever. Communicate only through legal counsel- this is going to make him even more angry so you have to be strong. He is a control freak and if you let him back into your life you will be sorry. He may hurt not only you, but also your parents and your baby. There are alot of programs available for you..seek the advice of a good lawyer.

Wendy - posted on 12/17/2009

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I agree that you should protect him, but be smart in doing so. Ignoring any court orders could eventually cause you to lose custody or even simply get "dad" awarded more visitation than you are comfortable with.

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