I need some advice.. my 3 year old is costantly telling me no and hitting me and throwing things and telling me to shut up how do i control this?

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Melissa - posted on 11/09/2012

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ARIANA: thank you so much you comment has put faith back in my life that im not stuck with this forever for the longest time i thought i was the only one that had an extreamly BAD toddler but after talking to moms around my area and different online sites im begining to see that there are lots of parents in my situation and thank you so much for the advice :)

Ariana - posted on 11/09/2012

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Ok, this will probably sound weird but, althought I wouldn't spank a kid for yelling or something I do think if he hits you you should hit him back. My son used to hit me ALL THE TIME and nothing I did stopped him until finally I told him if you hit me again I'm going to hit you back, and he hit me, and I hit him back. Obviously I wouldn't never slap or punch him or hit him so hard he'd be really hurt. I just did it enough that he knew, hey, if I hit someone they might hit me too. It only twice before he hesitated before doing it. I did have to warn him sometimes saying, if you smack me you're getting a smack.



I know that may sound contrary about not spanking but I feel like spanking for something like yelling at someone (or even for the hitting) doesn't really make sense. I don't grab my son and wack his butt when he hits me but I'll wack his arm if he wacked me. My thinking on that is if he goes up to a kid in school and smacks him the kids going to hit him back and it will be a lot harder from him then it will from me. That's just me though and I wouldn't hit him for ANY other reason or if I was starting to have to hit him harder for the same results I would certainly stop but he doesn't hit me anymore so...



I would keep doing a time-out for him telling you to shut up and also try to give him other ways to express himself. So if he's mad at you for telling him what to do you can tell him it's acceptable to say 'I am really mad at you! I'm so mad!'. That is him expressing his feelings, but telling someone to shut up is being rude. Even sitting him down when he's calm and telling him, you aren't allowed to tell mommy to 'shut up' because that is very rude, what could you say instead? You can say "I'm mad at you mommy".



I'm not saying this will stop him automatically but if you keep reminding him to say that instead of shut up (and get him in trouble for saying shut) then maybe it will help. You can also say after he's said 'shut up' and he's gotten in trouble, what do you think you should have said?



For saying 'no' I would ignore that and focus more on the problem. So if he's refusing to pick up his toys or w/e focus on how to do that and ignore the no part. So he can yell no if he likes but you just tell him if you don't pick up your toys you aren't allowed to play with them, that type of thing. He can 'say' no as much as he likes as long as you have a plan on what to do in that situation if he does. What to do really depends on what context he's saying no in.



I would save time-outs for only a few different behaviors because if you overuse time-out it becomes uneffective. So decide he'll get a time-out when he hits and tells you to shut up and nothing else.



Oh and my rule is that if a toy (or thing) gets thrown it gets taken away for the rest of the day.



Toddlers are so hard to deal with but this isn't personal and you just need to keep being loving and consistant. Try to do thing syou'll both enjoy so your whole relationship isn't based on a totally negative day. Good luck!

Holly - posted on 11/09/2012

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i agree, but i always get bashed for even bringing up the word spanking.... I have spanked my kids when they are deliberately being defiant.

Holly - posted on 11/08/2012

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talk to him, let him know how it is upsetting you... when i talked to my kids about how i feel so overwhelmed when they act like that, they stopped... they don't like mommy crying.

Melissa - posted on 11/08/2012

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i have literally tried everything i even have this bottle full of stuff like a snow globe and he has to sit on time out untill it has settled but absolutly nothing is working for me i use up every ounce of patients in one day by bed time im usually in tears and so exausted from my day.

Holly - posted on 11/08/2012

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tell them it's inappropriate, and send them to time out... when they calm down after 3 minutes, make them clean up everything they threw.

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