I need some advice on how to deal with your OWN parents after having a baby!

Jessica - posted on 03/07/2013 ( 54 moms have responded )

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I need some advice! I am getting married to my fiance in May and we have an 8 month old baby together. The issue is with us being new parents we are very protective when it comes to our LO (Little One) and have decided to raise her how we think would be best. My parents smoke, drink and their house is in no way setup for a baby. My fiances parents on the other hand have 10 grand-kids, they have everything my LO would need to be comfortable and they don't smoke, drink and are frequent church going people. Don't get me wrong, I love my family even with all their flaws but I want to raise my LO differently than I was raised. My parents are so upset that his family gets to watch her on occasion and if my parent want to watch her they have to come to my home. This is taking such a toll on me because I don't like to make anyone upset but I am sticking to my guns when it comes to my daughter. They now think I am trying to keep them from her which is not the case at all and they are saying nasty things about my fiance and his family. I don't know how to make them understand.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/07/2013

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Also, if they talk about your fiance's family or him in front of you, end it immediately. Say something like "I love my fiance, and his family. This is the father of my child, and my in laws and I don't want to hear you talking bad about any of them. Besides, they will be your family soon enough, and there is no reason to be so negative"

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/07/2013

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Well, the smoking in the house would be enough for me not to send my children over there. Even if they stop, the third hand smoke is on everything. Just tell them it is not an option, and they are more than welcome to watch your child at your house any time they would like. Open the doors to them. But tell them under no circumstances can they smoke in the house.

It sounds like they are reacting out of jealousy, which I can understand. But that does not eliminate the fact that their house is full of smoke, and it is not healthy for anyone, especially a growing baby. This would be a non negotiable for me also. AND I am a smoker.

Tori - posted on 03/11/2013

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I have a friend who is a grandmother in a similar situation. Her daughter will only let her son go over there with stipulations. The house needs to be cleaned and no drinking when the child is in their care. No smoking in the house when the child is in their care. She obliges out of respect for her daughters choices and a desire to see her grandchild. It seems to me that if you suggest certain stipulations and they agree, then you should let them go over there. As far as it not being setup for a baby but the other place is, travel with quick items that your child will need --- playpen, walk when older, bouncer, toys, etc. That is the "joy" being a parent --- you always feel like you are carrying the world around with you. It may be convenient to have the items at the other place but the lack of it in the other should no way exclude not letting you LO go to the other grandparents house. As far as child safety concerns. you parents should readily agree to move choking hazards up to higher locations, keep poisons out of reach, place outlet blockers, door stoppers on cabinets, and all the other "safety stuff" 'that comes with having little ones around AND of course never leave the child unattended since accidents can happen any time and people cannot plan for everything. While it is natural to be protective (esp. with the first born), and all commendable to want to have your children raised better than you were (a goal for most parents,) if your parents are willing to be flexible and understanding in your requests then you should not deprive your new little one the joy of having the life experience of both sets of grandparent in their life as much as possible, at their house, your house, other houses, etc. The greater social interactions your child has (that are positive), the more well rounded a child you will have. Hope this helps.

Monica - posted on 03/15/2013

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Personally I'd tell them the truth. Believe me I've had to do it! Say I don't want my baby raised that way and when u can go without drinking or smoking while LO is there then u can watch the baby alone. Sometimes being honest goes a long way

Alicia - posted on 03/12/2013

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I AK a new mom, I have a 6 month old daughter. you are feeling protective over your child, and good for you for doing so. although, I may go against some other advice by reminding you that this is your family and to accept that it is your child's family as well. if you are slightly uncomfortable with your baby being around them then monitor or limit the contact enough that you are comfortable but do not take your child away from their family. I am an old soul and I believe that this day in age people try to find flaws in family members and then use them to protect our children. look back to the 60s, the 70s...your child will benefit from having a supportive family, from both ends, more than a mother who looked down on drinking or smoking. If the situation is abusive, neglecting, or anything like that then please take action to keep your baby safe, but if it is more annoying than harmless, get over it and move on.

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Shannon - posted on 04/01/2013

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Hi Jessica, I have to let you know your parents would never let anything happen to your baby! They are not any less of a human being than your in-laws! You are highly disrespecting your parents and will later regret it. For as much as your child will be in their house with the smoke it doesn't matter anyway, you respect and love your parents and God will do the rest!! Believe me please, I have a 9 year old son and went through the same kind of thing and my mom has always given me the greatest advice and God has never gone back on his word.......WORRY DOESN'T BELONG IN YOUR LIFE.....PEACE, DOES

Helen - posted on 03/31/2013

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HAHAHA - I wanted to read the whole post because I was going to reply to "how to deal with your OWN parents having a baby"!!

Still, the advice is the same. Feel fortunate for your own family and continue to be proud of the life you make. Fell lucky that you have such nice inlaws with a welcoming home.

Continue to ACCEPT your family and NEVER feel guilty for making proper choices on behalf of your child. If ANYONE you know does not support and respect this, which is only and all GOOD, then that is their problem. This is not yours to solve, sounds like your parents (and you know them best so are you REALLY surprised)? BECAUSE they are drinkers, they rationalize reasons to drink and be miserable - this is just a convenient excuse for drinkers. They should be proud their daughter is a good mother, but may not be because their maturity is stunted at whatever age they started drinking. NOW that you are the mom, you will see that living by your design will raise a family different from your parents. NEVER NEVER EVER APOLOGIZE for GOOD PARENTING!

Hugs & Hurrays!

PS - This is just the start of MILLIONS of choices you will make - it gets easier. There will be friends with yucky parents, etc. and you will just offer to conduct things in your own home, safely where you can oversee things = easy button.

(PSS - I wholeheartedly disagree with the response above. THIS mentality that you are disrespecting your drinking smoking parents with an unsafe house is what is causing your grief and guilt. As with all children of alcoholics, this guilt is displaced and should not be worn by you, especially in that you are trying to change and break the cycle! That is one of the stupidist things I have ever read! You owe no one anything accept your kids when you are the parent. God has nothing to do with this. God gets all the good credit and none of the accountability when "god's plan" messes up and children are hurt, abused, neglected by drinkers or subjected to disease by second hand smoke, or worse. KEEP IT SIMPLE. Wear only GOOD CHOICES and STAND BY THEM. Also, OVERCOMING THIS ODD RATIONAL that children of alcoholics bare, will LIBERATE YOU in all areas of your life and other choices will also be clearer to you. Happy Day Good Mommy, enjoy that baby!! WHEN IN DOUBT have anyone, parents, friends, aunts, etc. over to your house = easy button!) READ READ READ and just be a GOOD PERSON and BEST PARENT you can be.

Rehan - posted on 03/28/2013

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You are the parent, so you have to what is best for you baby present and future. Don't feel guilty , you are doing very well raising your baby .. Actually better.

Joquena - posted on 03/25/2013

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You could always spend time with your family with your child. That way they get to see her and you. It has to hurt, especially since it's your own family, but first and foremost you have to be a wife and mom. You're choosing to be with your fiancé which means you two have to stick together. As your daughter grows there will be all sorts of harmful influences/objects/ etc that you guys have to protect her from and the fact that you realize your family isn't the best "environment" for her already shows what a great job you're doing as a mom. I'd have a big long talk with your fiancé if I were you and discuss who you feel is safe so you're both on the same page. http://www.modernhomemakers.com

Paige - posted on 03/24/2013

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You shouldn't have to 'explain yourself' at all - even to your parents. As a parent, your first concern you be your child and a tie/close second your spouse, then your family. YOU are responsible for LO's health, safety, growth and development. If you're not happy with something, say so and let that be the end of it. If they don't like it, then they lose out on those milestones and happy occasions.

Laura - posted on 03/24/2013

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When most people have their flaws exposed they become defensive. Do what you think is right for your child and stand your ground.

Remind your parents that you and your fiance (united front is very important here) as parents have agreed on how to raise your own child. It isn't a competition between grandparents. They are welcome in your home. However, no smoking in your home (my mom didn't come to my new house for 3 years after I told her she wasn't allowed to smoke there, her problem, not mine). And you expect your wishes concerning your child to be respected.

Don't be surprised if they don't "understand"....actually, they probably do understand, but have most likely always done whatever they want without worrying about how it affects anyone else. My needs were brushed aside for many years by my mom, but you just have to stand your ground.

Loretta - posted on 03/22/2013

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I was really impressed with the ideas Tamra had for involving her mother while standing firm about compromising her child's health. You may not have the same confidence in your parents to take your child somewhere alone. (I absolutely could not trust my former in-laws alone anywhere with my kids since they were prone to taking them into, or leaving them in unsafe situations.) It sounds like you have very good instincts though as to your child's health and safety and you are a good Mommy to be strong about those things. Your daughter is very fortunate. If your parents were able to be healthy about this--such as being grateful to come into your home and spend time with their granddaughter rather than resentful of having to make that effort--they probably would be working on providing a better environment for her to begin with. The fact that they cannot see this in a healthy way does not mean that you are not doing a good thing for your little girl. Some day you will look her in the eye and answer to her for the choices you made for her. "I didn't want anyone to be upset" will sound like a lame excuse to give her for not having made choices in her best interest. Involve your parents to the extent that you can, be thankful for your in-laws that don't cause this kind of conflict, and enjoy this beautiful little life God has entrusted to you.

Jenny - posted on 03/22/2013

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I think you need to sit down and talk to your parents and let them know that if they want to see her and spend time with her.They have to make a few changes. Let them now they have to baby proof the house and they can try smoking out side.Just because they want to smoke it doesn't mean she wants to. I hope this helps.

Tamra - posted on 03/19/2013

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Did you read my earlier post? Give them opportunities to interact with your child. Don't leave them feeling left out. Stick to your guns about issues around health. In the long run it is more important to have all of your LO's family involved in ways that support them. My son (now 6) knows my Mom is a chain-smoker. He knows that smoking is bad. He doesn't go to my Mom's house but has had tons of interaction with her. The love between them is what's important!!!! Stop making this about conflict for the sake of your child. Find ways to promote a loving healthy relationship. If it means that your parents can't watch your child at their house then so be it. Make other opportunities for them to build a relationship with their Grandchild. Just explain that compromising your baby's health is not OK so that they know why their house is off limits. Include them in other ways more often and things will work out better in the long run!

Vanessa - posted on 03/18/2013

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I was always told when you get married and have babies move out and raise your family on your own.... When you try to raise a family with your extended family it could cause problems.

Tamra - posted on 03/18/2013

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Tell your parents that you love them but while they get to make their own decisions about their own health if they love your child they will understand that maybe their decisions are not the best for a child's health.

My mom is a chain smoker. My son can not go to her house. I showed her the stats on how being around second hand smoke affects a child's health. Examples include more frequent ear infections, higher frequency of asthma, increased risks of cancer and possible implications in overall growth. I did not want my son going to my Mom's house because the risks were real!

My solution was that my Mom can take my son places! She knows she can not smoke in front of him. I lend her my car (hers smells of smoke). She has taken him swimming, to the zoo, to the movies ... etc.

If you want to make it clear that it's about the health issues then you should give them other opportunities to spend time with her. You can propose several possible outings. Tell them that you'd like them to choose at least one outing a week. Then they can feel more involved and everything else should sort itself out. I have been on the opposite foot with my brother's wife who thinks that only her family is good enough for her kids. She was raised in the city and we were outdoors types. Rather than making things equal she judged and my niece and nephew are so much closer to her parents than mine that it's SAD! You need to make it fair. Things don't have to be the same but your parents really need to be included in a way that works for everyone. More love is better. That's my suggestion.

Cheryl - posted on 03/18/2013

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You need to stand strong and set the standard now. From experience, I used to let my parents get away with murder when it came to my kids, and I paid the price by losing control of the situation and ended up having to cut off all contact, in order to regain control of my life, because I never spoke up and asserted myself in the beginning. You need to decide what is best for your daughter now and never mind whose feelings get hurt, or else you are going to spend your entire life catering to other people and their feelings.

Keri - posted on 03/17/2013

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Let your family know that you don't think the environment they provide is the best for a child of your daughter's age to be in on a consistent basis and that you're NOT trying to keep her from them. It's a matter of your and your fiance's preferences for the environment your young daughter is exposed to. Tell/show them how your home runs and that this is how you want your daughter to live no matter who is taking care of her. Don't mention the fact that your fiance's parent's house is "just like this" or harp on the fact that your parents smoke and drink and his don't because that will just make them defensive and they won't listen to anything you have to say.

Brittany - posted on 03/17/2013

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I would really try to sit them down and explain how you feel about the situation. It's difficult when it comes to family. I wouldn't want my baby girl going into a home like that even if it were my parents. If they don't understand, you are in no way making a wrong decision. Second hand smoke is VERY bad, especially for a child. I wish you the best of luck.

Brittany

Jennifer - posted on 03/15/2013

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I dont blame you.you are a grown women with a child of your own and no one should tell you what to do.you have to do what you feel is best for her.i wouldnt allow my parents or in laws alone with my two boys if they did all that.tell them if they would grow up you might trust them.trust me every family has there flaws but with the world going so crazy now you have to be on your toes.my mom still tells me what she thinks but at the end of the day she knows im going to do what i think is best for my boys.sometimes as parents we have to step on a few toes when it comes to how we want to raise are kids.good luck.

Niki - posted on 03/15/2013

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Perhaps you can set up a time in your home for them to visit. Maybe not watch the baby, but it would be in her safe home, with you there. Have them over for dinner or whatnot. Ask them to refrain from smoking while there - I am assuming they would come sober, if not address it. I have made choices to include our parents, but in a controlled situation. It was worth it.

Teresa - posted on 03/14/2013

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Hi Jessica it seems like your parents want to be a part of your child's life and that's great. You should allow them to do so and tell them about your concerns instead of shutting them out. Do you know how many of us moms who wish for patents like yours , who want to be a part of grandchild's life . I'm sure they'll set aside their ways so they can get time with their grandchild .

Merel - posted on 03/14/2013

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Hi Jessica, i think it's better to be open and honest about your feelings. The topic is becoming a problem for the both of you this way. Your parents are filling in things you and your husband are not telling them. Because you don't want to hurt there feeling, you are actualy hurting them by leaving the important stuff out. I don't know your parents, but i guess if they would would know how it bothers you they would understand more by telling them how you feel. Maybe it will help when you ask them if they still remember how they felt when they were all new at be parents. Good luck ( ps sorry if my English isn't that great, Dutch) all the best love Merel

Dawn - posted on 03/13/2013

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I'm the same way, I hate making people feel like crap. I had the same problem with my, now exes, family. They weren't the kind of people I wanted my child to be "overly" exposed to. Anyways, it sounds like you're going about it in the right way. I think the biggest problem for you is the feeling of guilt for being so upfront. If you have to, have your parents over to discuss the well being of your child with your fiance and explain why you're being so cautious and careful with what your child is exposed to. They may be upset at first but you need to push that aside and keep in mind that YOU are the mother and YOU make the rules. Know one else has a right to question that. If they can't respect the safety and health you want for YOUR child then that's their problem and not your worry.
Be sure to make yourself clear. You don't want your child exposed to cigarette smoke or alcohol. That's your main concern. You want her to be in a clean and child friendly environment. Maybe make a mother-daughter project put of it and tell your mom that you will even come over and help her make their home more inviting for your daughter. That way, it's not so insulting to your parents. Also make it clear that you are not intentionally trying to hurt or criticize anyone but your main concern is simply your daughter and you only ask that they respect that.
Good luck!

Bpamelab - posted on 03/13/2013

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Unfortunately they may not understand, but like you said, you have to stick to your guns. Just remind them that they raised you the way they saw fit and im sure their parents didn't agree with everything they did. Now you and your husband will raise your child they way you see fit...you have that option and they have to respect that.

Hilda - posted on 03/13/2013

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The bottom line is you are doing this for the good of your baby. Come to think of it she is helpless and innocent if you don't protect her who will. So its not about your parents feeling bad they should come to terms with the facts and if they feel bad let them quit the habit that's making you keep yor daughter from them. Good luck

Debbie - posted on 03/12/2013

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Have you told them not to smoke or drink around the LO? I used to smoke and limited as much exposure to my grandchildren as possible. Tell them how you feel about the smoking and drinking. Why is their home not acceptable? Do they have toys for her? Maybe you could let her stay with them if they while you run to the grocery store but only IF you do not feel there is danger to your LO.
Good luck

Anne - posted on 03/12/2013

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i think you are doing a great job, you have to protect your child from any harm...tell your parents how you feel and what the problems are...they really should understand, if your family in law (soon) are the better choice to watch the most precious thing in your life that this is YOUR decision YOU are the MOM and that is all that matters, I know (from my own experience) how hard it can be to "upset" parts of your family but you have to set up rules and anyone respecting them is welcome

Rose - posted on 03/12/2013

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You need to make them know what you expect. Our parents respect our wishes. When the kids go over there, they don't drink or smoke in their house if they really want to see the grand kids. They understand and respect out wishes.

Melissa - posted on 03/12/2013

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Hi
If you are interested in pleasing everyone, I would ask your in-laws to come babysit at your home. That way you are asking everyone to babysit at your home, no one gets to babysit at their home.
Melissa

Trevia - posted on 03/12/2013

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Woah! That's a lot to take in. I would just let my parents know that it has nothing to do with taking sides. Your child is your token and you wouldn't want anything to happen to her. Second hand smoke is a big no no and drinking influence a lot of teenagers now a days.

Inzhiya031010 - posted on 03/12/2013

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If they acted like this when your were living in their home and did not care about your health it is hard to believe they care enough for your babies health. Addiction is a problem in peoples life and usually people go with what they want not what others or best. I agree with a lot of moms. Most important is your babies health and 2nd hand smoke is bad as well. I can't be around people that smoke and drink a lot (especially smoke i have a very sensitive smell, makes me breath hard) why would I want my baby to be around those people.. Just tell them how it is: these are the rules and you care about your babies health..... they can come watch baby at your home but can't smoke in the house... They either deal with it or they need to try to change...

I tell you little short story. It is little bit different situation but has a point... My dad left us when I was 3 years old before I moved to America I saw him when I was 10 y.o. Then After another about 11 years I started talking to him through internet. I heard he smokes and drinks a lot. When I talked to him about how I care (I thought he would care enough about me to listen and try to change....) lol, yeah right, even though after what happened he still cares about his addiction more and tells me I am his daughter I should not teach him how to live and go into his business.....You see my point... People love what they do and do not care about their health no matter on a situation... why would they care about someone else.

I know it sounds harsh, but parents have to understand and even sometimes do what their sons and daughters ask... It is time, we had to do what they asked for so many years and respect the rules right? Now we are out of their home SO why can't they respect our rules... This is off a little bit, but imagine how many parents go into their married kids life's and tell them how to do this and what rules to have and what to change. There are even parents who have bad relationships with either son in law or daughter in law.. It comes to the point where these families have to put their parents totally aside if they act like this..

Merry - posted on 03/12/2013

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I'd say being blunt would be best. Tell them, we do not want the baby in a home where anyone smokes, we do not want the baby in a home where there's alcohol, and we don't want the baby in a home which is not child proofed.
We love you guys a lot and would never cut you out of our baby's life but we can't compromise on what we feel is the safest rules for the baby.
They will likely be upset and try to justify themselves or claim its fine, you're overreacting. But stay firm. If they were to quit smoking and not drink on the day they watched baby and had their house cleaned and child proofed then you'd gladly let them watch the baby. But that likely won't happen, but sayin so will hopefully get the point across, it's not you, it's what you do or where you live. Stay strong! Protect that baby!

Heather - posted on 03/12/2013

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My husband and I are going to be in a similar situation when our Poppy arrives. My mom and her SO have watched and entertained his grand kids for several years now, they've stopped smoking, have no health issues that could cause a problem, and keep a very clean home. His parents on the other hand tend to have trouble keeping their home clean, there's always a funny smell (which bothers me because I have very sensitive sinus allergies), and his mom has a health issue that slows her down a little, can make it difficult to breathe at times, and has back trouble. They also have 12 & 13 year old sons who are not very respectful of rules and boundaries.

That being said, Poppy will almost definitely be spending more alone time with my parents than with his. I have no problem with supervised visits over there or them coming over to sit as long as my MIL is feeling okay. But there will be NO overnights or extended stays. We talked about this long before we got pregnant and agreed. Now my husband is renigging. But I am holding my ground.

Your job is to take care of your child. And do only what is best for him/her. Don't let someone bully you into doing what they want you to. You'll beat yourself up for it later. And heaven forbid anything were to happen, you wouldn't blame them you would blame yourself.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/12/2013

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Elizabeth has the most common sense approach.

Elizabeth - posted on 03/12/2013

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I know this is going against all popular post, but I went thru the exact same situation with my Mother. I had a son with Asthma and many problems when he was young. My mother is a heavy smoker and will never give it up, not for her grand children or her own health. Well my husband and I sat down and had a very real talk about the smoking because we did the same thing, kept the kids away and then realized we were depriving them of a relationship with my parents, who are really loving people. I survived with her smoking all the time in the house, so we decided some exposure will not kill them. Anyway we started letting the kids go for short periods of time with my parents, never overnight because it was too much for my youngest. I would just strip their clothes as soon as we got home and wash them. They knew not to take blanket over there because it stunk when it got home. Now my kids are 14 and 16 and have a good relationship with their grandparents and my parents never resented them not being able to stay overnight. It hurts to think the addiction is that strong in my mother, but having just lost my Mother-in-law this month to a car accident, I know life is short and I will be glad we had all those hours with her one day. I can not tell you how many times I heard "I would never let my kids go over there with your mothers smoking" but my kids a so healthy because we live with good habits in our house and it shows. Even with Asthma we survived a small exposure to her smoking. I also taught my kids when Grandma lights up, go outside, if possible. They use to grab Grandpa and head outside when she would smoke.

B - posted on 03/12/2013

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I'm going through the exact same thing. EXACT! first of all, i would advise you to speak strongly about the situation. NEVER allow anybody, not even your own mother to talk down upon or bad about your fiance or his family. it will cause bad blood between the two families. kindly change the subject, if they are saying anything nasty about your fiancé or his family, and sternly remind them that you are a big girl now and this is the decision that YOU and YOUR future husband have made. and that's final.
to avoid hurting ones feelings I would suggest less visits over at the other parents house and more visits at your house for both grandparents. you have to treat them both fairly. take the kids for a visit at one grandparents next week and do the same for the other grandparents. if you need to go out for the night and cant trust your parents, don't let them know you are having the other grandparents watch the kids at their house. what they wont know wont hurt. that is not being deceiving it is being cautious.
as a parent, it is your responsibility to ensure your childs safety no matter where they are, and if you know for sure your child will be in harms way at your parents house you are doing the right thing by keeping them away.

User - posted on 03/12/2013

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Have you spoken to your parents about this? Have told them, flat out, that your child isn't to be around smoke or alcohol while in their care? And if they don't/can't/won't respect your wishes/rules than they are choosing not be around their grand child? This is YOUR child and you get to make whatever rules/boundaries you want to. If you've stated your terms and they ignore them than make sure they know - that was their choice.

Julia - posted on 03/12/2013

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Ask them not to smoke or drink when shes there and stay with her simple dont deprive them of the joy and happiness they feel for bein grandparents at the same time Put ur rules which are 100% right!!!

Barbie - posted on 03/12/2013

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I had family members that smopked as well and made it clear to them that I did not want my child around cigarette smoke. I am a very prtective mom as well, my daughter was 2.5 yrs old before she was aloud to spend the night with her grandma. Anytime I was at my families house and they started to smoke with her around we left. Eventually they understood how serious I was about it. I also have to deal with certain family members bad mouthing my fiance'; you and your LO are the only ones that truly know how good of a father he is to your child and that is what I would say to your family when they say something.

Melissa - posted on 03/12/2013

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My inlaws smoke and it was pediatrician that recommended that they wear a sweater when smoking and remove it when handling the baby. Babies have thin skin and can absorb nicotine. They seemed inclined to do what I asked when I stated it was what the doctor ordered. If they watch the children in their home they are not allowed to smoke around them. Sure they complain behind our backs but when state that it is our child and they could see the child more if they quit smoking altogether. There is also a lot of jealousy when it comes to my family. I stand by my family and state when stay at my parents house when in the state because they have a bigger home, cars for us to use, and it is smoke free. We never leave our kids overnight with our in-laws because they also smoke illegal drugs (marijuana and meth). Do what's best for your child and when they talk badly about your family defend them the best you can. If they don't understand your reasoning for them getting less time than it is their fault for not changing their lifestyle. Sure, they are family but you have your reasons for limiting exposure to certain environmental factors. Remember, your child comes first and you shouldn't have to bend to their will especially when health factors are involved.

Bernadette - posted on 03/12/2013

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As a mom of 4 grown children and a grandma to be for the first time in May , I know I would be very upset to not be able to love and care for my grandchild. However the responsibility would be 100% mine to make sure my home was a safe and secure environment for my grandchild! If your parents truly want to visit and care for your child in their home then they should be willing to take the steps necessary to make you feel that your precious one is safe and secure there. Our children are the most important part of our lives and not worth taking any kind of chances as far as their health and safety are concerned. I have no doubt there will be many things I will have to change and update in my home before my little princess grows into a toddler and hope that I will welcome any requests and suggestions from my son and daughter-in - law because I will want to protect her as much as I possibly can!! You should expect no less from your parents and need to make no excuses or exceptions at all!

Marie - posted on 03/12/2013

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My father smokes, but has never smoked around my kids. My father in law drank, but always managed to stay sober for grand baby visits. Your parents have to respect your role as the parents of this child. The bottom line is, it's not about them. It's about her and what's best for her. Don't ever feel guilty for protecting your child.

Rebecca - posted on 03/12/2013

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I completely understand. I think all of us want to raise our kids differently than what we were raised. My oldest daughter just had her first baby & is 2000 miles away. I went to where she is and stayed for 5 weeks till a week after after my granddaughter was born. It literally killed me to come back home, I miss my daughter & my granddaughter more than anything. I would have stayed there if my husband would have agreed to it. I think that you should do whatever is best for your daughter and your parents will just have to understand. I wouldn't want my children around drinking etc. either. I told my daughter that I would sell everything to come be there to see my little grandbaby grow up. That's not right that your parents are talking bad about your fiances family. I am thankful that my daughter has her boyfriends family there because I can't be there even though I would love to be. Just follow your heart & do what's best for your daughter.

Anita - posted on 03/12/2013

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First of all I am a mother of 4. Never married. But anyway longest relationship was 20 years with my oldest sons father. Anyway in laws are characters but they are people with respect also. I am a smoker and you have too be very responsible when it comes to young children as well as older children. People seem too get very protective of their child's health cause second hand smoke does kill come on now not with the proper hands on techniques. Now I kept my nephew from the beginning of his life then he went to daycare. Now I smoked but not keeping him. Or if I did smoke I use hand sanitizer and I didn't have the same clothes or shirt on its proper things that you do if you want your family at peace. But don't keep the child from them that's wrong. Work together not against anyone there's always a solutions for everyone's benefit but the baby needs too be around all of you together in peace.

User - posted on 03/12/2013

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We have the same issue, only the other way around, it's my husband's family that we have safety concerns with, and my son is 3. The best thing would be to ask them to make their home safe for your child and to respect your requests not to drink or smoke when your child is in their home, however, I know from experience that they may or may not agree to that request. If they don't, then that is their choice, and you shouldn't feel bad about sticking with your original decision.

Kristi - posted on 03/12/2013

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I think you have to take care of you and yours now. I'm sure it is very difficult for you to know your parents feel "second rate" and blaming you for it. That would make me cry.

It would be one thing if you were excluding them because they lived in a smaller house with old furniture and didn't have flat screen. But, that's obviously not it. Your daughter's health is far more important than hurt feelings. Little Miss is totally right about the cigarette smoke. Your parents should be able to understand that.

Until they accept that and realize that you don't think you're "better than them," and that you love them just as much as ever, maybe next time you talk to them about watching your daughter, talk them up a little. Like, thank you for indulging me, I know you think I'm being over protective so when you make the sacrifice to drive to our house it really means a lot. It reminds me of how much you love me and how much you love your granddaughter.

Hopefully, they'll let go of their jealously so everyone can get along. It is hard to feel like you're not good enough, even if nobody was trying to make you feel that way on purpose. Keep raising your daughter how you and her daddy see fit and keep your hearts and your door open to your parents. You're doing something right, so they must have done a few things right, too. ; )

[deleted account]

Your doing the right thing. Keep it up. Your little one will thank you in end. BUT do try strive for peace, and take your child to their house for a little visit. Your child doesn't have to stay all day there. Thats what I do. Little visits are just fine and grandpa and granny don't feel left out. Just ask them not to smoke when your there.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/07/2013

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I cannot help but feel there is always an element of jealousy between grandparents. Sounds to me like you are doing the right thing. And if they have an issue with you eloping, tell them they can pay for the wedding if they want one so bad ;P

Jessica - posted on 03/07/2013

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I feel it is entirely out of jealousy. Not to mention we have already planned to elope in May because of financial issues an because we like to be spontaneous anyway but now they are really going to have some bad stuff to say. I feel like all of this has made them feel hate towards him and his family and make them think i'm trying to be better than them. I am sticking to my guns about the babysitting thing because of the smoking etc. because in the end my child and her health matter more then preserving feelings. Thanks for the advice :]

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