I need some advice on how to help my 15 year old daughter who doesn't like her 8 year old sister.

Andrea - posted on 10/30/2016 ( 14 moms have responded )

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My 15 year old daughter wants to be a only child but she is not, she hates her 8 year old sister and tells her all the time that she wishes she was a only child, but her sister looks up to her and loves her very much what advice can you mothers give me to help her understand that she has a sister and that her sister loves her and looks up to her

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Chris - posted on 11/03/2016

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I know the problem of an older child who hates a younger brother or sister. I have seen several TV shows in France and also the French version of Supernanny who had just one episode with the situation a few months ago.
Often the eldest think parents love her less because parents spend much time on young siblings.So the eldest sibling hate and also the parents too.
The solutions that gave the supernanny few months ago and in other emissions years ago were closer emotional ties of children, after the parents should spend time with the older brother or older sister. In your case, you need to spend time with your 15 year old daughter to show your love for her.
And then offer to do a sport, a team game parents against your daughters. And your daughters will be welded to win, and the emotional ties will be better together.
And after all was well in these families with advice applied.
Regards.

Jennifer - posted on 10/31/2016

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I have a 16 year old daughter and a 12 year old son. My son is high functioning autistic. My daughter always felt like I was "babying" her brother because we seemed a lot harder on her with the chores then with him. Her father and I sat down with her and discussed everything as to why everything is different to make sure that she understands. She was still acting out, we were taking away her things but nothing was changing. After my daughter had mentioned that I was different with her brother because he is autistic, I decided to make a few changes around the way I was handling things and it worked! I give them the exact same chores but they switch every week. Example, they each have one week they are in charge of unloading the dishwasher then next week the other does it, they both clean their rooms daily, make their beds, etc. I honestly didn't know that I was being that different but we do have "family meetings" when it is needed so we can all take turns listening to the other. Both of my kids are amazing but they do have to deal with the consequences if they do not listen. If you don't bite that in the butt now, it will only get worse. We took our daughter to therapy to talk before I changed everything around and it did help us understand more because she was acting out at times. My daughter is a lot happier now and both kids get along really well. We just had to figure out what the "cause" is between them. All families are different and I even admitted to my kids that I am not perfect but I am trying my best because I want them to succeed in life. Also, both of my kids are together a lot because they are homeschooled. We have been doing this for the past 6 years.

Dove - posted on 10/31/2016

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Unless she has a mental/emotional disorder she's far old enough to simply get over herself. I have two that are about to be 15... and they have an 8 year old brother... and yes, there are conflicts because they basically have nothing in common and he adores spending time w/ them... and they have very busy and active social lives (so are rarely home)... but they do love him and always have. I do not force interactions (though Monday is typically 'family time' and interactions are strongly encouraged), but if they were actually being mean and disrespectful to him on a consistent basis (some minor sibling squabble is expected... they all do it a little).... life as they know it would be OVER until they grew up and got over themselves.

It sounds like she should still BE in the counseling.... and if you take away all of her stuff and she still acts like that... she doesn't get her stuff BACK. She can be confined to her bedroom w/ nothing to do (maybe some books to read) at all times other than to go to school, use the bathroom, and eat... If that still doesn't work after a few weeks/couple of months... I don't know what to tell you.

Andrea - posted on 10/30/2016

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I have tried that and it doesn't seem to phase her and I know I can't make her like her sister but I wish she would at least acknowledge that she does have a sister that looks up to her. and thank you for your advice greatly appreciated.

Samantha - posted on 10/30/2016

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Well she is not an only child and you can't force her to like her sister. You can tell her that her sister loves her and wants to emulate her. If it were me I would tell her if she was mean to her little sister she would be getting a spanking every time.

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Jodi - posted on 11/01/2016

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7 is a long time ago. She has since been through puberty and had half of her life. Her issues are different than when she was 7. She needs to go back into counselling.

Andrea - posted on 11/01/2016

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she was in counseling for a year and it was when she was 7 years old and they knew then that she had depression and they put her on medicine but she is no longer on it and i think she needs to be put back on it and since yesterday she has apologized to her sister and to me and she said she is sorry for the way she has been acting and that she will try to be a better sister and daughter

Jodi - posted on 10/31/2016

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If you've tried all that and it still isn't working, I agree that there is something underlying the behaviour. How long was she in counselling for? And how long ago? Maybe she needs more ongoing therapy?

Andrea - posted on 10/31/2016

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When I take away her stuff and yes i have taken EVERYTHING she is still like that i have even had her in counseling but nothing works so today we are sitting down and we are going to talk. and YES she knows what privileges are

Jodi - posted on 10/31/2016

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Does she have an understanding of what "privilege" is? Like her clothes (other than basics), bed, lighting (electricity), being taken places....all of that is gone? She is down to a mattress, pillow, blanket and a torch? Sorry, but this didn't come from nowhere. Somewhere along the line she has been allowed to be disrespectful and get away with it. Time to take a hard line. No matter what, she lives in your home and she needs to be respectful.

Jodi - posted on 10/31/2016

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OK, you don't spank a 15 year old. Period. I will start with that. Not only is it ineffective, but it borders on assault (and may even be considered assault, depending on where you live, and even if it isn't, would be in a few years).

What you can do is make sure she has privileges removed. At the very least, she needs to be respectful of everyone in your home, and this includes her sister, whether she likes her or not. Does she have a phone? Gone. Does she get to hang out with friends? Gone. If she can't be respectful to everyone in your home, she should have the things she wants. She can't have it all.

Samantha - posted on 10/30/2016

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Well I hope you get a resolution to this problem. I have only one daughter so Maybe I am not the one to give advice. Good luck ;)

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