i need some advice please about my husband and our kids.

Rachel - posted on 04/27/2016 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Me and my hubby have been married 4 years together 8. We have 3 kids a 4 yr old 2 yr old and a 4 month old. I just want a bit of advice because i don't know what to do. I think i deserve more from him. I'm 24. I met him when i was just 17 and had only been in 1 long term relationship before him. I love my husband more than anything but at the moment im feeling like i dont want to be 35 years old and wishing i had of changed my life around for me and the kids earlier. His a great dad- he just doesnt help me. And he makes me feel so ugly. He is always at work. Every single day. 6am till 530pm and weekends 6 till 1 or 2. He works for his friend and i guess he puts his job first. His not interested in doing anything as a family like going to the beach etc. He loves his work. I get up every day at 530 to get him his breakfast and off to work. I clean all day and look after the kids and do the shopping etc all on my own. I do all the housework and everything for the kids. Bathing, dinner, brushing teeth, bum changes you name it. I get up everynight to feed the baby. He never got up once with our 2 yr old either. He used to be really good with our first son. His never bathed them or changed our babys bum. He wont even feed her a bottle unless i ask. Actually his never bathed either. He wont eat dinner or breakfast at the table with the kids because he cant stand the mess so he likes having dinner after 8. So i dont get to clean up till late. He gets the shits and expects me to have the house sparkley clean and the car washed and vacuumed when he gets home. He has no idea. And he drinks alot. Every day when his home he drinks and drinks. He will play with the kids but hardly. He loves our baby girl. I dont want to take the kids away from their dad but im sick of doing everything on my own. I feel like a single mum. Its his mum to thank because she done everything for him when he lived at home. I ask him for help and tell him how i feel but he doesnt care. I know he would be devostated if i left. I dont have many friends just my 2 sister in laws. Thats his fault to because when he first got together he tried to get together with my friends. And god knows who else. I do have trust issues and thats his fault. He worked with a girl he used to say he was attracted to and id hear him tell his brother about her. Then he started deleting messages from her. We argued about her and he took off... and went to her house for a party. Shes left his work now so thats good. He swears he never liked her or did anything with her but at the end of the day i cant wrap my head around what he did. Maybe its just me as i wouldnt or couldn't do that. Do you think im asking to much?

10 Comments

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Liezel - posted on 05/17/2016

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I have a 4year old over hipper son who doesn't sleep or rest.for me it's a huge blessing to have a child like him,BT my husband can't stand him.he forever shouts and swear at the child and I'm sick and tired of it and will no longer put up with it.what can I do about it,coz it brings tension between me and my hubby and I'm more than ready to take serious action nw.I want allow him any longer to abuse my child like that.tried talking calmly, I tried screaming and shouting at him.he was raised that way and my son is getting the same but I told him I'm not his mother who left it at that.when it comes to protecting my kids I'm like a roaring lion.

Cbnp - posted on 04/29/2016

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Hi Rachel,
First of all, I am sorry to hear that you are struggling and so frustrated with your situation right now. You are so blessed to have 3 little ones! It sounds like you are really at your rope's end with your husband and that is causing you to start to resent him and his actions. With these feelings of resentment you hold towards him, I am sure it is making it more and more difficult to communicate with him which is probably making the issues worse and worse. It sounds like he has a few things going on right now with the alcohol, the trust issues and the helping with the children. Are you able to speak with him openly about how you are feeling about your current situation as a couple and how the relationship may be effecting the children? It sounds challenging since he is used to having everything done for him, since that is what his mother always did for him, but maybe you need to make that clear to him, that you are not going to be like his mother to him. It may be helpful to have a conversation with him about your frustrations and even that you may think about counseling for the both of you, this could get a reaction from him where he may realize how serious this is for you. If he is open to this conversation, counseling would probably be a great step for you both. It seems like there are a few things that need to be cleared in order for you to go on in your relationship either as a couple or individually. I hope that you will be able to work something out where you and your children will be happy. Best of luck and be strong!

Raye - posted on 04/27/2016

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Rachel, I don't think you're wrong to feel the way you do. Many mothers are in your same position, but that doesn't make it right. Communication is key to get on the same page with your husband and have you both feel appreciated and respected for your contributions. Again, I strongly recommend you both go to counseling to better understand each other's needs and try to find middle ground. You and your kids have to live with the decisions you make, so try to think things through and determine how you and they would be most happy.

Raye - posted on 04/27/2016

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Pauline, at least I wasn't YELLING AT HER through my whole post. I was just pointing out that if the relationship started on such rocky footing, then she made some poor decisions early on that led her to where she is now. It takes two to tango and the fault is not only with her husband. There's enough blame to go around. She can't control him, so where's the best place to start... look in the mirror. You have to admit where the problems are to even start to fix them. Being co-dependent in your relationship is like an addiction. First, the addict needs some self-realization and have motivation to change themselves. Can an addict recover if they continue in the same environment? No. Then the environment needs to change, or the addict needs to break ties and move on to a healthier environment. Same with a bad relationship. She can't gloss over her choices that contributed to the situation, but she can try to fix them, try to repair her relationship with her husband, and start making better decisions (for her and her kids). It's give and take... BOTH parents need to put in the effort to fix it, not just him. It's not all on him to make her happy, and it's not all on her to make him happy. But if either one is unwilling to put in that effort, then either both are doomed or one needs to be smart and get out. It's not an easy choice, and I don't give that advice lightly. But the kids would be better off with one parent finding happiness than with two parents that are miserable together and suffer needlessly.

Rachel - posted on 04/27/2016

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Thanks for your reply. I dont th8nk im projecting my unhappyness on him. I ask him for help and tell him how i feel but thats all. He is very happy with the life his got. He doesnt have to work that much but he chooses to. Its just how he is he will give work his all. I just wish he could with our family. He works for one of his good friends. As i said his mother done everything for her boys and they expect it still to be done by their partners. I do everything for him i just wish he would want to do some things for me. :)

Pauline - posted on 04/27/2016

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"If you started out with trust issues, why did you stay and marry him and keep having kids with this guy? It sounds like you both should be in counseling to work out these problems. Him avoiding his family obligations is not good, but you've allowed it this long, so why should he change?"

STOP THE MADNESS! WHY BUST HER HUMP based on the limited info we have; START with the GOOD in the marriage and FOCUS ON GROWING THAT ...... it will be far better than deeming it "DONE" at such an early stage!

Pauline - posted on 04/27/2016

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Honey ....... it sounds like YOU are projecting YOUR unhappiness on to your poor hubby! YOU are unhappy so YOU are doing anything to convince the poor guy that HE is unhappy too!

He is working his butt off AS ARE YOU ...... two times over! BOTH of you are exhausted! Both of you are MENTALLY TRASHED! You cannot continue with the "I DO THIS ---- I DO THAT" attitude! ACCEPT the FACT YOU NEED TIME TO DECOMPRESS FROM THE KIDS!

This is NOT the time to place BLAME on either of your! There is NO NEED TO 'BLAME".... there is ONLY THE NEED TO GET BACK TO NORMAL! Playing THE BLAME GAME will solve NOTHING! Restructuring the relationship will be work..... but if you think it is worth the effort YOU WILL DO IT!

YOU are WORTH THE EFFORT and for now I PRESUME YOUR KIDS ARE WORTH FAR MORE EFFORT! HEY! IT IS WORTH A SHOT!

PROFESSIONAL HELP WILL GET YOU TO THE DOOR! Then it is up to YOU and HUBBY to determine IF you care enough to walk through that doorway and GET ON WITH THE HAPPY LIFE YOU BOTH DESERVE!

WHATCHA THINK??? CAN DO or CAN WALK????

Raye - posted on 04/27/2016

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If you started out with trust issues, why did you stay and marry him and keep having kids with this guy? It sounds like you both should be in counseling to work out these problems. Him avoiding his family obligations is not good, but you've allowed it this long, so why should he change? You either accept the way it is and keep allowing his behavior to happen and be miserable, or you step up and tell him that something has to change.. either you start counseling together or you plan to leave (and be willing to go through with it). It's not going to get better without intervention and counseling. If he refuses counseling or doesn't really try while he's there, then you know he doesn't want it to work out with you, and you can finally move on without regrets.

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