I need some serious advice and support!

Kat - posted on 08/15/2014 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I’m REALLY needing some advice and support right now. First I’ll give you a little background on my situation. I have 4 children. The 3 oldest are with the same man who I left while I was 6 months pregnant with our 3rd child and a few months later he was sent to prison for multiple drug felonies. I have suffered tremendous amounts of trauma and abuse in my life and as a result started using drugs at a very young age. I was 14 when I started using meth and quit when I got pregnant with my oldest child when I was 17. I still was smoking pot, drinking and taking pills in between my pregnancies. In 2011 my children were taken from my custody by CPS due to my instability, and an abusive relationship. About 7 months after that I relapsed on meth and thus continued my downward spiral. A few months after my meth relapse I started dating another man who obviously was using meth with me. We broke up and about month later he came to Portland to see me for the weekend. That’s when I got pregnant with my 4th child. I hadn’t spoken to him in 2 months since our weekend together and when I told him I was pregnant he laughed about it and never said much else. When I was 5 months pregnant I went to inpatient treatment for six months. I found out while I was in treatment that he was dating a woman who just so happened to be pregnant by someone elses child. I sent him a letter asking if he would do a paternity test and never got a response back. I talked to his sister and she told me that he was denying my son was his because he was actually dating that woman when he came to see me the weekend I got pregnant! I had no idea he had a girlfriend at the time. I feel like he is denying his own son because of a lie he is keeping from her. Not to mention the fact that her kids not even his! On a good note I can happily say I have 2 years clean and sober and have custody of ALL my children back! My son is now 16 months old and the state of Oregon child support division has just sent him and me a court order to do a paternity test. If he still refuses it then by default will be listed as my sons father weather he is or isn’t. His sister tells me he is still using meth and was just in jail last week for a PV. He has a previous son who he signed his rights over to his mother because he wasn’t fit to take care of him. If the test is positive, I don’t feel that he deserved to see his son who he has never wanted anything to do with. Not to mention the fact that he is a mentally unstable tweeker. I just don’t know what to do and how I can protect my son. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation and can give me some solid advice? Thanks and sorry for the NOVEL J

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/15/2014

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The thing is, Kat, even if there is a similar situation out there, the outcomes could be completely different.

With PTSD it's hard to handle things sometimes, but in this case, I'd recommend a 'plan for the worst/hope for the best' scenario. In other words, plan to have to work out visitation, but hope that he just wants to sign out. That way, if the decision is for him to have access, you won't be totally blown away, but if it runs the other way and he signs over his rights, you can proceed as normal.

Keep up with your support appointments and groups, because they are super important right now. Its good that your current husband has been there and can be a good source of support for you as you continue to work on staying clean and moving forward. My hubby's a 25 year recovered addict, so I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS.

Hang in there, and stay positive, hon!

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Kat - posted on 08/15/2014

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Thank you everyone so far. I think I'm going to get a copy of his criminal record and gather as much evidence as possible. I met my husband when I was 6 months clean and he has 10 years himself. He has been the only father my son has ever known and he loves my son more then life itself. We're hoping that my ex will sign his rights over to him so he can adopt him. Unlike my ex, he has a great job and even financially supports my 3 older children too. I'm dreading this test. I have complex PTSD as well as gen. anxiety disorder so I dont handle this kind of stress well. Thank GOD I still go to therapy, outpatient, & tons of na meetings. I was just wondering if anyone else has been through something similar and could tell me the outcome of their case so I know what to expect.

Dove - posted on 08/15/2014

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Ditto the other ladies. Congratulations on getting yourself clean and sober and regaining custody of all your kids! That is a great accomplishment. Second... you need a lawyer and hard evidence of his drug use (if he's been in jail... it shouldn't be too hard to get and to request that he be drug tested if he is awarded visitation). Hang in there!

Gena - posted on 08/15/2014

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I cant really give you advice,but i also just wanted to say good job for being sober and stay like that! Its important for yourself,your kids and everybody that loves you!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/15/2014

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First: GOOD JOB on being clean & sober for 2 years so far. Keep it up! You can do it!

Second: If he refuses the test, and is by default listed as parent, he'll be tapped for support. He'll also have opportunity at visitation. You'll need solid proof of his drug abuse, etc in order to have his rights restricted.

However, since he's already signed away rights for one kid, you can pretty much figure he'll do the same by you, so you may have nothing to be concerned about as far as visitation requests go.

Either way, you'll need an attorney.

Good luck with everything.

Michelle - posted on 08/15/2014

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You would be better off talking to a lawyer and getting accurate advice. You could be given wrong advice from people here as it's an international site and laws are different from state to state let alone country.

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