I need to establish what I will and will not tolerate from my 18 year old daughter

Mary - posted on 07/02/2011 ( 20 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 18 and thinks she has the right to come and go as she pleases. She is out all night and sleeps all day. Her newest thing is she goes and does not come back for days. She does not work and does not have a care in the world. She just graduated about 2 weeks ago and that was only through the grace of GOD. Ever since that day this is what she has been up to. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can lay down the law with her being that she is 18 and still lives under my roof. Doesn't want to work hasn't payed her car insurance for 2 months which she pays me and my husband 150 dollars a month. She is on our policy. And their is so much more. I just don't know where to begin with her. Please help. Thank you and GOD bless.

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JuLeah - posted on 07/02/2011

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Pay for NOTHING ... kick her out. Do not pay her cell, her car, for gas, for food ..... how, without money does she go for days on end?

Little birds sometimes need to be kicked out of the nest. Half way to the ground, they usually make effort to fly, find they can, then soar .... give her this chance ... the chance to live her life and not be dependent upon you

Tamara - posted on 07/02/2011

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I think you and your husband need to sit down and write down what you expect out of her. then together go to her with them.

She wants to stay out all night fine BUT don't let her sleep make her help with chores and what not.
She don't want to pay for her insurance fine she looses the privilege to drive.
I understand that kids like to spread their wings I do also think that it shouldn't come with the cost of respect of the parents and putting a strain on them emotionally or financially.

I would put my foot down hard then after she learns that yes she is an adult but this is still your house and you have rules still then loosen up on some of them as you see fit.

[deleted account]

Is she enrolled in college full time? If not... she has 2 months to get a job and start paying rent, her insurance, and contributing to buying food or she's out. She would also have a curfew if she is coming home and be expected to call before the curfew time if she is not coming home for the night. If she threatened her life.... I'd be calling 911 and putting her on a suicide watch.

If she's willing to TRY and WORK at it.... I'd help her every step of the way if need be, but if she's just going to be a lazy, manipulative mooch.... it's not gonna happen.

Of course, considering that my oldest 2 are only 9.5 right now.... I'm all talk. ;)

Tamara - posted on 07/02/2011

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Youre very welcome :)

I can understand that fear, she knows that this scares you and she is using it to manipulate you. instead of saying ohh no dont hurt yourself, say Oh okey that is something we will have to live with. not in a fighting tone just a very calm tone. My son tried it a few times I just replied with if its Gods will it will happen if you do it to yourself or fall down the stairs.

When you are dealing with mental issues its better to stand firm. structure usually helps them thrive. (i have two bipolar and one of them also has PDD-NOS)

Keep in mind she will fight you tooth and nail to start with its part of the disease as well as being a 'new' adult. just stand firm and be there for her, let her make mistakes and help her fix them don't fix them for her.

Good Luck

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Mary - posted on 07/04/2011

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Happy 4th of July. I just want to thank everyone again for all your support. I never knew sites like this existed. I don't even remember how I found it honestly but I'm so glad I did! Thank you again for all of you who truly take the time to read my post and answer me. GOD BLESS!

Alison - posted on 07/04/2011

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Mary, if your daughter has borderline personality disorder, you may want to get some help from a social worker. Taking away her car privileges seems like a no-brainer for me, but please get the help you need. That way, you can feel confident about the boundaries that you are setting (otherwise, you may just back down and she will never take you seriously).

Tonya - posted on 07/04/2011

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Good for you on taking a stand. Maybe giving her tough love is what she needs. The one thing you and dad may want to think about is if she returns and says she will abide by your rules then what. If she wants to act like an adult then she gets treated like one. For example she has to get a job she is not in school so there is not one good reason why she does not have one. She pays rent/electric/water as if she is living on her own. As for the staying out all night even though she is paying you rent and all then there must be a set time on when she is too come home this way you all can compromise and be able to deal with the situation and if she does not plan on returning that night then let her know the doors will be locked and she will not be allowed in just incase she changes her mind or is trying to misuse your trust. Whatever you do don't back down now make her stand on her own two feet she will thank you later.

Tamara - posted on 07/04/2011

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Glad you took a stand. I understand how hard this can be. Sounds like a step in the right direction even if it don't feel like it now, these things take time she will come around and one day thank you. Not soon but one day. I hope you have a good 4th.

[deleted account]

Borderline personality disorder is very destructive. I think she needs therapy before anything else can be accomplished.

Jane - posted on 07/03/2011

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Good luck! I know you will worry about her but she has some lessons to learn. Since she won't accept the lessons from your experience, she will have to learn the hard way, just as my step-son did.

Mary - posted on 07/03/2011

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It's 1:46am Monday July the 4th. Just got back from crisis. Yes you guessed it. I made the list and lets just say she wasn't to happy with it. She decided it was a bunch of you know what so she decided she was leaving. We didn't kick her out but she decided we were crazy and that she is doing nothing wrong so she thinks. She decided to just hand over her car key, house key and cell phone over to me and said she was leaving. She asked to use her phone for a second so I give it to her. little did I know she would send a mass txt message to her friends saying goodbye my parents are kicking me out of the house and they took my keys. I'm sorry for everything and everyone Thank you so much for being my friends I appreciated my time here on earth with all of you but is's time for me to go now. So I call the police and long story short they locate her and take her to crisis. The counselor met with her gave her a good scare and felt it would be ok to release her and so they did. My daughter knows how to play the system well she was sweet as pie and only told them what they wanted to here. In bring her home and this trouble maker kid pulls up infront of my house and she decides to leave with him. This is all so hard but you will all be so proud that I stood my ground and made her take the list with her and reminded her these are our rules if you can't abide by them you cannot come home. Well I'm going to try and get some sleep and pray that the good Lord keeps watch over her and keeps her safe. Night night

Jane - posted on 07/02/2011

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Yes, you do need to put your foot down. And yes, you and your husband need to do it together. Sit down and write up a contract that states what you will do for her if she does certain things for you, and what will happen if she doesn't want to comply. Give her a deadline, and stick to it.

If she doesn't pay for her insurance, take the car off your insurance policy and transfer the car to her name or sell it, so it is no longer your responsibility. If she spends all night out, she still has to be up by a certain time, or she can move out. If she leaves and doesn't come back the same day or the next, change the locks and do not give her a key. Don't pay for her cell phone, buy her clothing or beauty supplies. Don't fix her favorite meals and don't fix meals for her outside of normal meal time. Don't do her laundry or tidy her room. And, something we had to carry through on for my stepson, tell her that you will NOT go bail, but will find her an affordable lawyer.

Legally she is an adult, so she needs to take on the responsibilities of an adult if she wants the privileges.

Jennifer - posted on 07/02/2011

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PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN! Life is not carefree. She needs to go get ajob and help with rent and food ect and if shes driving she needs to pay for her own insurance. Life is about responsibility you cant get anythign for free and she needs to realize that now before its too late. we had issues with my stepdaughter, she turned 18 and moved in with us cause she had htat grass is greener syndrome and her mom was horrible to her, she abused her when she was younger and stuff like that... so we let her move in, but she didnt even make it here a year because she didnt lilke our rules that she had to ask before going out with her friends especially if i was driving her places and she had to chip in for gas which i was spending almost 200 bucks a week in gas just driving her back and forth to school and work. she hated the fact we made her go to bed at a decent time on school nights and be off her cell phone by 10pm cause she would keep my daughter up at night being loud and what nit, she hated having to wash dishes adn help clean the bathroom... it was basically these are our rules, you live under our roof you will follow them, eventually she decided to move back in with her mom cause her mom would let her do whatever she wanted when she wanted to and she didnt have to pitch in for gas adn food, wash dishes, ect if she didnt WANT to and could run around with whoever she wants whenever she wants... you just have to be firm with your kid and let her know if shes going to remain in your house she has to be respectful and follow YOUR rules and help out thats just how it is. if she doesnt like them she needs to find her own place and shes not gonna like that much either cause its gonna be haarder for her in the long run. hope i helped some... :)

Stifler's - posted on 07/02/2011

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Tell her to get a job and either pay board or move out if she feels she can do whatever she wants.

Mary - posted on 07/02/2011

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I dropped out of school when I was in the ninth grade but got my GED @ 22. I've always taken my responsibility as a young mother very seriously. I never hung out with friends and never partied thank GOD. I never thought I'd be going through what I'm going through either. This is all so hard. I'm kind of learning as I go along and its all so hard and painful. My husband GOD bless the man works 2 jobs he's never home so it's like I'm holding down the fort on my own and just don't know what to do. Every time I try to talk to him he can barely keep his eyes open. Its like I'm oblivious to what a lot of these kids are doing today and my daughter is such a good liar but I'm really starting to figure this out and she just disrespects left and right it's like she has me in the palm of her hand. It's like she is in control and I'm not and she just walks in my house like nothing and walks right back out. So any advice that anyone can give me I greatly appreciate it.

Mary - posted on 07/02/2011

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Teresa thank you also for your words of advice. She is not in college. She says she wants to go to beauty school but she's just a lot of talk and no action. Kind of like how I've been with her but not for much longer. My daughter was institutionalized on May 16 th for one week and is in an intensive outpatient program which is 3 times a week for 12 weeks and she's starting to ditch those meetings to but like Tamara said she knows how to manipulate me and I need to stand firm with her. It's just this is all so new to me and I just didn't know how much I should keep taking from her cause GOD only knows how much I've taken so far.

Mary - posted on 07/02/2011

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Tamara you were so right in everything you said to me. My sister was just saying the very same thing to me yesterday. I'm a great believer in the great Lord and all that you said to me today was total confirmation for me on what I need to do. You've already helped me more than you know. Thanks again

Mary - posted on 07/02/2011

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I've typed up 2 nice long posts and they didn't go through. Is this normal for this website. I had so much that I said and twice I lost my post :(

Mary - posted on 07/02/2011

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Thank You so very much for answering me back. You are absolutely correct in all that you said. I've always been all talk and no action and she knows that. It just amazes me of how much balls she has and then always acts as if she is doing nothing wrong. I've always been afraid to take things away because she is quick to threaten her life and that just scares me to death. The doctor says she has borderline personality disorder and some traits of bipolar disorder. I'm just so scared to lay down the law but I know I have too. Especially because I have 2 teen age boys to raise also. They are 15 and 17 years of age. GOD give me strength. Thank you again for your advice it means so much to me. :)

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