I need to know that I am not alone.

[deleted account] ( 58 moms have responded )

My husband and I got married in aug 2011. I knew that he looked at porn before we got married and it is what it is. It never really bothered me. I am now 20wks pregnant and discovered on his phone a couple of weeks ago that he has been on a social networking site and pretending to be a 17ish age boy and befrending 16-17 yr old gils to get raunchy pics of them to exchange w other men. He also was texting another women who lives 2 hrs away who is the ex of one of his good friends. I know that these are symtoms of a bigger issue. He has never really been serious w anyone other than me, he has always been very overweight and super insecure. We have been having issues lately anyway and I have had really bad depression and mood swings. I had completely shut him out. We have alot on our plates but I love my husband and waited to get married (I am 30) and have a baby. We are going to counseling together and individually. I am struggling but am not willing to seperate or even consider divorce. If this info got out he would be so embarrased and shunned...as he should be,.,,, Are there any moms in similar situations?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Lisa - posted on 01/23/2012

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Excuse me, but forget the fact that it's an unhealthy relationship, what he is doing is ILLEGAL. He is trading in CHILD PORN! Thats even w/o other women.



I'm sorry, but in my opinion he needs to be reported to the police.

Brendalee - posted on 01/23/2012

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You are going to do what you are going to do, but please heed what everyone is saying. Besides the receiving of child porn he is distributing it by passing it on to his friends. Both of these are illegal, but distributing carries a lot more weight. Just like with drugs for example if you have a little for personal use you get into a little trouble, but if you have enough for distributing you are in a lot more trouble. What he is doing is WRONG on so many levels. How would you feel if some man did this to your precious daughter. Make him think about that - how would he feel if someone did what he is doing to his precious daughter. As he is in couseling that is showing he is trying to take responsibility and correct his behaviour. As long as he is taking it seriously great, but he doesn't get another chance. If he does it again CALL THE POLICE ON HIM. He obviously has serious issues and you should not have to put up with them. Also do you want your son learning these behaviours? Do you want your daughter to be taught that it is ok to be treated that way? This is no longer about how much you love him or your vows or any of that stuff. You are pregnant and as a mother it is YOUR JOB to protect that child and you should have more self respect to protect yourself. Now that you know and haven't gone to the police you are now an accesory and can also get into a lot of trouble. Your child can get taken away from you. PLEASE THINK THIS THROUGH COMPLETELY!!!!!!!

Kimberly - posted on 01/23/2012

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I'm not trying to be mean to you but what your husband is doing texting underage girls for nude/sexy photos is child pornography and ILLEGAL!!! If he was texting my 16 year old daughter, I would have him arrested. You need to firmly tell him to stop or you need to get out. My ex husband did the porn thing and refused to stop, so I left, and now he is trying to hook our son and ruin his life too!!! I loved my ex, but he loved porn more, love yourself and get free of this!!

Jennifer - posted on 01/24/2012

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Ok I will answer this from a person on the receiving end. I was molested as a young child by a family member and everyone knew about his "issues" but no one stepped up to help me. People were too concerned about him and getting him help and being sympathetic to him. This may have already been said, but what are you planning to do if when your baby comes he starts taking pictures of him/her to send over the internet or worse? Are you prepared for that?If you do not address these issues now that may be your reality and the reality of that little baby. YOU are to protect your child, not your happiness, not his happiness. I understand you love your husband and I do not condone divorce, except if for a biblical purpose (which I feel adultery has taken place) and I think its wonderful that you want to make your marriage work, but in some instances it simply cannot. Looking at porn is one thing ( not biblical, but not the larger issue), breaking the law and preying on young children and becoming a pedophile is something else. It angers me to no end that you have not reported him, knowing that he is violating those young girls! What he is doing is sickening and repulsive on so many levels and you are allowing it to continue by not taking action. You have to stop thinking of him and think of that baby you are carrying inside you and about all those girls he is hurting.

Heather - posted on 01/23/2012

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I would turn him into the police. I am sorry, but that is WRONG. That's child porn and what he is doing is Illegal. I am sorry that you will probably be a single mom, or married to someone in jail for child porn, but your husband isn't going to stop doing this, no matter what you say or do. I would call the cops on him, and turn him in.



If I ever caught my husband, father, or any other man doing that, I would turn him in.

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58 Comments

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Ez - posted on 01/24/2012

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** Mod Alert **



Due to the graphic nature of this thread, we are closing it to further comments.



Erin - TWP Mod

Alexandra - posted on 01/24/2012

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After reading the comments of other mommies, I realized I did not understand how illegal his actions were and I went back to read your statement. Yes, it is illegal what he is doing and he must be reported to the authorities.

Think about this way: what if you were in yoru 50's and you had a teen girl who was showing herself to your husband, who's pretending to be someone else? You would not like that right? Please do the right thing.

Alexandra - posted on 01/24/2012

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Honey, you might reconsider your decision, for your own good and your baby's good. You say he has never been serious with anybody else. I am sorry sweety, he is not being serious with you either. The fact that he does these things behind your back, and pretends to be someone else in those descriptions you gave us (which I am sorry - I think it quite abnormal) is not good.

If you don't terminate your relationship right now, you can be sure you will have a hell of a life. I do not believe, see this is my point of view, that he will change. I do not believe people like this ever change.

I don't think you should be worried about the shame it would be for him. What about you? Are you not ashamed of his behavior? You want to put up with this all your life?

What's counseling going to do? Yes, for a while, you will pretend everything is well, you will even get a lot of hope from the psychologist's talk, but you will eventually find out that the reality is a little different than what you want it to be.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

I am so sorry if I am being to harsh, by no means I want to hurt you unnecessarily. I am concerned about you, your relationship and your future sanity, therefore I REALLY had to give you my opinion.

Please think very well about what you want to do, ok?

Julia - posted on 01/24/2012

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I agree that his behavior seems to indicate he is a sex addict. He should consider joining Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA). And for you I highly recommend COSA (Co-Sex Addicts). You'll find the support and resources you need. Check out COSA-recovery.org (http://www.cosa-recovery.org/states/Texa... for local meetings). Good luck to you!

Julie - posted on 01/24/2012

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My husband I have been married for 13 years and have had issue since we had our first child 8 years ago. We went to marriage counseling twice and it just smoothed things over for a while. Last month I discovered he was seeing another woman. I filed for divorce and then he approached me on Christian Couseling. It is on hold right now though. We had our first session a week and a half ago and it was a real eye opener that was much different than any of the other couselors we have been to. It is a 2 hour session every other week and their is book that you read, and a ton of other stuff. It is very intense and I like to call it marriage reconciliation boot camp - she is tough. If you can find one I highly recommend it. The book we are reading is The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real. There is quite a bit of work that accompanies the book as well. Don't let the Christian part of it throw you off it doesn't talk much about Christianity or that women are less than men. In fact it empowers women and basically says men are living in the 50's and need to come into the current century. Hope this helps.

Janet - posted on 01/24/2012

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Well I've been married over 22 years and I love porn and he does not. Once in a while he will look. But as 4 under age crap....&%##&-6'3#&. That's a No! NO! HE MAY need other council. ...

Theresa - posted on 01/24/2012

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Sandy, it is illegal. Look it up. If a child under 18 is exposed in anyway it is considered child porn. The fact that he is posing as a 17 or 18 year old doesn't make a difference much. The fact that he is a grown man, posing as a teen, getting nude pics of teenagers and passing them out is horrible. He's breaking the law in more ways than one.

Patience - posted on 01/24/2012

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My hubby used to do the same thing from when I got pregnant until our son was 5. That's when I found out by catching him in the act. I was mortiied & threw him out of the house. It didn't help that he was an alcoholic & bi-polar.



When he wanted back in our lives a few days later it had escalated to hookers. I told him that if I so much as thought any of his monkey business was going on again, I wouldn't think twice about giving all the evidence I'd collected to the police and filing for divorce.



He's stopped all of that, is on new meds, gets a VD test monthly & sees a therapist weekly. Our son is 10. And he can't apologize or thank me enough.



No one deserves what you're going through. Make sure you both know that!

Beverly - posted on 01/24/2012

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im very sorry but an illegal act has been admitted to and as a mother i want to know what circle of moms is doing about it. i truly believe it is their responsibility to report such things to the proper authorities!

Beverly - posted on 01/24/2012

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im very sorry but an illegal act has been admitted to and as a mother i want to know what circle of moms is doing about it. i truly believe it is their responsibility to report such things to the proper authorities!

Beverly - posted on 01/24/2012

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im very sorry but an illegal act has been admitted to and as a mother i want to know what circle of moms is doing about it. i truly believe it is their responsibility to report such things to the proper authorities!

Sandy - posted on 01/24/2012

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The bit where he poses as a 17 year old boy is an issue. He could get into serious legal issues doing that. You should probably tell him that. Oddly, posing as an 18 year old boy isn't as illegal. Go figure.



As long as the raunchy pictures of the underage girls aren't pornographic, it's not technically illegal. You'd have to look that one up to be sure of just how little clothes constitutes pornographic though.



Otherwise, he's just a guy who likes pretty women in pornographic situations. As long as it's legal, and you're okay with it, then keep on with the counseling and hope that you're both happy enough to be a positive influence on your child.



If it's illegal, or you're not okay with it, then you should probably step away. If he refuses to change illegal behavior, then report him. Most guys who like porn and are otherwise normal, will listen to reason when it comes down to being arrested.

Dawn - posted on 01/24/2012

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Being a mother of two of my own and of two stepchildren, do understand what you are going through. My husband looks at porn too but not to the extent as to chat with or looking at girls under 18. Also has never done it while the kids are present. I can tell you that communication is always the key to addressing issues in any relationship. Weather it be in counseling or just the two of you sitting down and talking.

This issues of posing as a 17ish age boy though really does need to addressed. By this behavior it is not only legally endangering himself but you and your unborn child by you just knowing he does this behavior. A person can go to jail for just having child pornography, even if it seems to be a really innocent picture. If he is unwilling to change these habits and get help knowing he has a child on the way then you need to think what is best for your child and walk away. I know you mentioned you do not want to leave or divorce but the child is the one you really need to protect.

Rachael - posted on 01/24/2012

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I have been going through a similar situation and would be more than happy to share my story or offer some sort of counsel if you would want to email me @ rachbou@gmail.com and no you are not alone an addiction of any sort is very difficult and truly does affect the whole family and in my case divorce isn't an option for me either! Keepy your head up and remember you didn't cause and you can't control it :)

Donna - posted on 01/24/2012

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Don't cover for your husband. This needs to come out in therapy and your husband need to get help. Make it clear that you will not stand for it any longer. He needs to grow up and be a man and soon to a father. Good Luck.

Cheryl - posted on 01/24/2012

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This is very sad. You are not alone but porn is addicting and dangerous for family and marriages. It sounds like it has already escalated. I know so several families torn apart by this kind of thing. Even escalating to sexual abuse of wife and daughters! Be careful!

Hulya - posted on 01/24/2012

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Watching legal pornography is by no means an issue unless he is doing it constantly then it's a problem.



Like others have already stated the issue is this man is a predator if he is doing what you are stating. What makes all this even more concerning is he is sending these images to other men who could be sending him worse. Some girls who are 12 look quite older. He could be viewing such images and being groomed himself for worse by these men. You need to protect your child. No one thinks someone they know could do these things but the fact is people hide things everyday.



Any police doing investigation will see that you have asked this question on a public forum. You now need to do the right thing and at the very least discuss this with your councillor who can advise you the best step to take.



There are many mothers out there who have stayed with their husbands because they are scared of being alone and turn a blind eye. Again you need to protect yourself and your child. I URGE YOU TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

ANNA - posted on 01/24/2012

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I am thankful no, have not had such issues personally what so ever. However I do have friends who have, some have ended their marriage over them and others have worked it out...others the jury is still out.



I do feel it is a form of adultery for a man to do such things. ( Bible agrees it says who ever continues to look at a woman so as to have a passion for her commits adultery in his heart...notice it does not say it is if he innocently comes across seeing something and then avoids it)



I would be extra concerned that this obsession involves people he is interacting with, not just porn movies and such where there is a total disconnect ( which is bad bad bad for lots of other reasons) the fact it is very young girls he is doing this with is a downright danger sign across the board as far as if he is even a safe person......



You are in a hard place. You must make a clear line you will not stand for him crossing and let him know what you consider this type of behavior to be. Will be thinking about you and hope you can work things out.

Ruth - posted on 01/24/2012

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The sad thing is that this can progress. A woman (illegal alien) and her daughter (who could speak English) came knocking on our door last year because they were very frightened. It seems that a man down the street from us had his Venetian blinds wide open and was masturbating in front of the windows for the little girl and her young friend to view as they walked home from school. My husband told them to call the police. The police came out and said there was no law against what he did in his own home. He has since moved but I checked and there are men convicted of sex crimes in our neighborhood and all over our town. This is just the ones who have been caught and convicted. Please urge your husband to get some professional help before it's too late. God bless.

Julie - posted on 01/24/2012

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Something else to consider...these girls are daughters to other parents. How would you feel if you found out an older man had passed around raunchy pictures of YOUR child? I would want to kill the SOB...and you're married to him.

Lisa - posted on 01/24/2012

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There are harsh penalties for what your husband has done. You need to think of the safety of your child, just as social services will. Defending or hiding these kind of actions could have severe consequences for you, your child and your husband.

Anna - posted on 01/24/2012

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Im sorry but you need to turn him in. What he is doing is illegal. And you knowing about and not doing anything means you could get in trouble too. That puts both of you on the sex offender list and you might get your baby taken away from you if the police find out and you didnt report it. What would you do if you r daughter was 15-16 met a "17" year old boy on the internet and come to find out hes an older man. Id be turning him in. I know you love him but you have to do whats right.

ROSE - posted on 01/24/2012

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I feel sorry for you and your husband. He is a prisoner to something he can't let go and you are hurting and feel unloved by him ..Please find a good church..and call out to God and he will give you the Grace you need as He heals your husband....Anonymous

ROSE - posted on 01/24/2012

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Just need to say...Sin takes us Farther than we want to go keeps us longer than we want to stay and costs us much more than we want to pay...I have been going thru this for 30 yrs

ROSE - posted on 01/24/2012

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Just need to say...Sin takes us Farther than we want to go keeps us longer than we want to stay and costs us much more than we want to pay...I have been going thru this for 30 yrs

Brendalee - posted on 01/24/2012

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Leonie I'm sorry, but you are missinformed. Any pictures of a sexual nature of anyone under 18 (a legal adult) is child pornography. Yes some states have the age of consent lower then 18, but this is strictly attached to sex and because of statutory rape, not pictures. Also he is passing them onto others. What he is doing is illegal on many levels.

Samantha - posted on 01/24/2012

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I'm sorry to have to agree with everyone, you need to get out for the safety of your child. If he is pretending to be 16 or 17 that's a felony. Take care of yourself and your child. You are the only protection that baby has. Do something now before it's too late.

Yurena - posted on 01/24/2012

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Sorry about all this that is happening to you, but this is illegal what he is doing and you do not want somebody like this living with you and your child, even if he is the father. I think count your losses and go to the police, before you find something else than pictures in his computer. The fact that he is sending the pics of these young girls he has deceived and manipulated to other men is terrifying. It is not a question of shame, you haven't done anything. This is not porn addiction, you can buy a magazine or watch a video of women doing stuff and that's that. Grooming young girls is another level all together. He is not the person you love, the person you love, I'm afraid, is only a facade, did he marry you as a cover so he could do this without being suspected? Grooming takes time and effort, it doesn't just 'happen'. Sorry you waited to marry him, but he is not the man for you, he is not the man for anybody actually. Councelling doesn't solve anything. The police needs to get involved and stop him and the net he belongs to. I'm not married to a predator but to a nice man. I had my fair share of creeps as a child and youngster and know many others who have gone through adult-child abuse. If you find out that your child in his/her teens is sending this type of pics to a man, who in turn is sharing them with other men, and then found out his wife knew and was quiet about it...what would you do? I know what I would do to him AND her. Being alone is not a shame, being an accomplice in sexual activities with teen IS. Good luck, do what is right and don't look back. x

Beth - posted on 01/24/2012

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Just so you understand, I want to tell you a long story short. A wonderful lady I buy wholesale from had the police burst into their home. She had no idea but her husband was doing basically the same as yours. He was charged, she wasn't but she still had to go thru the interrogation. Children can be taken from the home, etc.. You do not need all this especially during pregnancy.

Misty - posted on 01/24/2012

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Serious red flags! That is predator behavior. Would you be so willing to look the other way if the girls were 15? That's where it is headed and it's illegal and disgusting! You need to make sure your counselor knows this info before he ends up arrested and labeled a sex offender!

Theresa - posted on 01/24/2012

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And it IS illegal to have ANY picture of anyone under 18---"Any image showing a person under the age of 18 years exposing their breasts, sexual organs or anal region, or that shows any person under the age of 18 to be engaged in explicit sexual activity is considered child pornography," states a news release the police issued on Friday. It adds that convictions for manufacturing, possessing, distributing or accessing child pornography can lead to a minimum penalty of 45 days to 1 year.

Theresa - posted on 01/24/2012

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What Katherine said is true. He can be arrested & in jail for a long time for this. If you knew about it and didn't report it, you can go to jail too. If he's degenerated to trading pictures of teenagers (!!!!) there's no guarantee that he won't progress further-think sex with teens, etc. Look, you are in a lot of trouble. You really need to protect yourself and your baby. This is not a simple porn addiction. It's breaking a very serious law. And you can bet that if that were my teen I'd be pulling out everything I knew how to do to get him in jail. If you know he's exploiting these girls, you are just as guilty as him if you don't do something about it. It's like knowing your husband is molesting a kid and ignoring it! This is very, very serious. I'm not trying to be mean, but you HAVE to deal with it. And your counselor is obligated by law to report it as well. Your husband could be being watched by the police right now!!!

Lorre - posted on 01/24/2012

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Did you marry him because you are pregnant? I left my husband because he was sneaking around watching porn videos and I did not want this for my then 15mos & 1mos. Porn has and will always be his addiction. Let the authorities know now before it's too late for you. Stand up and fight against child pornography. DO IT TODAY! I'm curious if you are going to counseling why haven't they encourage you to report this? If you remain with this man, and if your baby is a girl, can you really trust leaving her with him? You know he will take photos of his naked girl and share them with his friends. This alone should make you sick to your stomach, stop living in DENIAL. You are your baby's only means of protection. Your BABY has to come first.

Keli - posted on 01/24/2012

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You are not alone. I divorced my husband when my children were 1 and 3 because of the porn issue. I hope your husband is putting himself into the counseling and not just telling them what they want to hear like my ex did. We tried counseling. Porn is an addiction and he will struggle to break away from it. I will pray for you and your husband to be able to make it through these issues.

Leonie - posted on 01/24/2012

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yes it's wrong talking to girls 16-17yrs getting pictures etc but it's not CHILD PORN as some people are saying we become legal at 16years old! its not morally right though at he's age. i hope you can sort out your problems and that your husband realises that he has done wrong and is trying to prove to you that he only needs you.

[deleted account]

dear Brendalee

You covered some issues that I didn't even think of and I agree with you 100%. My response is towards the bottom with the little baby as my profile. One of the things i said to the person who is reaching out for counseling was that she knew about this before she married him, and she said it didn't bother her. Did she think by marrying him it was going to change him? I told her I thought the problem went much deeper even than what she knew...and that something should be done early on so as not to threaten her or her soon to be new baby.

[deleted account]

Dear one. I will offer a word of counsel as you have asked. No i don't live with that type of situation but many women do. My first comment is: you said you knew about his "porn looking" before you were married. Did you think he was going to change just because he married you? Like you said, you do not want a divorce..so you will either just live with it and make the best of it and just shake off the depression, or eventually you will leave him. One thing shouts loud and clear, do not allow yourself to be destroyed...or your soon to be new precious baby. It sounds like his problem stems deeper than just looking at porn. God sees and knows all things. Talk to HIM about your problem and HE will guide you with your decision. I don't know how long you have been married or how long you are willing to live with the situation. You said you love him and it appears you do or you wouldn't be reaching out for help. I will pray that the counseling helps and your husband sees how wrong the whole thing is...and turn from his wicked ways. He is basically already committing adultry in his heart by the degree of his involvement with all the porn and other women...and he may be more involved than you even know.

Christina - posted on 01/23/2012

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My now ex husband use to do some of the same things when we were married I even caught him on camra one night when I got up to feed our son. It went beyound just the text, and porn he ended up haveing at least two affairs before I found out and left. Make your feelings known and if he still refuses to change then it maybe time to think about moveing on even if it hurts. It is better for your emotional well being in the long run. After a while it can affect they way you feel about yourself as a women.

Annie - posted on 01/23/2012

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Eve Dear, your husband has a serious problem! He's a sex addict, and it's not your fault. So please acknowledge the problem and go from there. He needs you to confront him with the truth and get help if he wants it. If your marriage is going to last and you are going to be satisfied in the relationship, please do some research and educated your self on the subject. Maybe even before you talk to him.

Heather - posted on 01/23/2012

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I didn't think about the kids getting taken. I guess she is right, if you have knowledge about this and children are involved, they can take them away or make for a very long drawn out process. I am still in the middle of one.

Katherine - posted on 01/23/2012

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Eve- The fact that you know what he is doing and are not reporting it is a bad sign. Underage porn is illegal. You may be accountable if it is found on you computer. This is preying on children.



Many will tell that porn in general isn't bad, but from my perspective it is. just like any other addictive activity it takes away focus from your family. With a young child that can be a fatal mistake. Do you really want to raise a child with this guy?

Heather - posted on 01/23/2012

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If you can get through it with counseling, I am all for it. I was in a similar situation, and we are now divorced. The epidemic of pornography readily available and free on the Internet has made people look at and do things they would have never even dreamed about before. If counseling does not work, move on. Getting minors to give you inappropriate pictures is something people go to jail for daily. I think he has an addiction. I am not judging, but something to think about, your baby boy or girl gets online and ends up sending pictures to a strange man, would you want that man walking the streets? I wouldn't at all, and the fear of being single again is completely normal, but this too can be done, I did it as a single mom of two, and got my BA while working full time! There is hope! Have faith, look into your heart.

Kyleigh - posted on 01/23/2012

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Looks like she shut down her account here on CoMs but I hope the counseling helps out and hope things turn around for you although its criminal of what he's doing. I agree with the others turning him in and still go for individual counseling for yourself. Sounds like you will need it to get you through this.

Jill - posted on 01/23/2012

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He could go to jail for what he is doing with these underage girls! I would confront him with those very words! Maybe he doesn't understand the seriousness of this! I would confront him with it and if he doesn't stop it, I would seriously think about not continuing the relationship! That is a deal breaker!

Paula - posted on 01/23/2012

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It;s not healthy in the realtionship for him to be doing what he is doing with other women. It can screw up the realtionship with u and the baby.. He is so hooked on it. It;s like being hook on drugs or drinking that he want stop. If I was u divorce him you and the baby are more important then what he is doing... He can get into a lot of trouble for what he is doing acting like a 16 year old for younger women. What happens if your baby got to be your age and she/he started to do what your husband it doing? If your husband doesnt stop what he is doing for you and the baby then he is not worth it in my eyes casue he doesnt love u at alll!!!!!!

Bec - posted on 01/23/2012

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The councilling a good idea. im not in your situation but I doubt your alone either as watch dr phill you get all sorts of issues and some are simmillar to yours. some good advice from other people on here from what i read on their posts. just beaware and follow your gut guts always right quite often we know before we get the whole picture. it that internal alarm bells!!

Tinker1987 - posted on 01/22/2012

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Porn is one thing.alot of men are guilty of that,but the other stuff is disturbing... its great he is open to councilling i think its good you got a grasp on the situation,before it went on farther. im not in a simular sitation but years ago when we were alot younger my fiance got into checking online dating sites and we had some bumps in the road but we worked it out.. its a eye opener,you know the red flags and warning signs so just keep a eye out

[deleted account]

The couselor definately know some of the details. We go for our individual sessions this week. I feel he did it as an escape. I dunno. The girls didnt look super young but I know that they were. I love my husband and he is a good man I fell like his porn issue just got outta hand. He admitted he had a problem and that it is something that just got way outta control. Believe me the age issue is VERY disturbing to me. I know I wasnt supposed to ever find out about this but I did and it makes me wonder hoe foar it would have ever gone.

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