I really don't know what to do. I need advice and I need it fast.

Renee - posted on 02/16/2016 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I have never gone to a website for complete strangers to read what I am about to write. I have great friends who I talk to about this kind of stuff but sometimes it's good to get the opinion of people who don't know me. And please, no judgment here. I am not here to judge any of you and I would appreciate it if you kept snarky comments to yourself. You do not live in my shoes so don't pretend like you know what's best for my family and myself. Thank you.

I am the future step mother of a very difficult child. She is in first grade. She lies, manipulates, bullies, has complete meltdowns and is downright mean. My own daughter is in first grade as well and for as long as they both can remember, they have been best friends. My fiance and I recently bought a house together and his ex (his daugher's mother) and her husband live two miles away from us. His daughter's mother, we will call her Jane.... she is something else. She is mean spirited, not warm, not loving or affectionate, she has a problem with every single female in her life including her best friends who she is always on the outs with, her step mother, her mother, my fiance's mother and sister, etc, me, etc. I have never once said a negative thing to this woman because I know that it will cause nothing but problems because she is what I call the Queen Bee. She is horribly nasty to my fiance who has always been a really good father to his daughter and took him to court for the max amount of child support which is an astronomical number with what he brings home. In our state, the woman at the office even said it isn't fair for dad's. She did so because she bought a new house with a man she married right away (a few years ago) and they can't afford their mortgage. She told my fiance she would be taking him to court for child support (even though he already gave her a lot of money a month and paid for all of his daughter's before and after school care on top of it) the day after he asked me to marry him. She did this knowing she would ruin our happiness just like she did when we bought our home. Their mortgage is extremely expensive and their property taxes there are almost unaffordable. She is also 9 months pregnant with her second child.

When I met my fiance, he had his daughter half the time. Her mother was living with this boyfriend or that boyfriend, her dad and step mom's, her friend's house, etc until she met her now husband. But she likes to act like we are beneath her because my fiance lived a total of three places since his daughter was born. All with her own bedroom. I can't even get in to how horrible of a person this woman is but I guess I need to give you all a little bit of a background before explaining what happened to his daughter.

Ever since she became pregnant, my fiance's daughter has been acting... for lack of a better word... crazy. It's the only way I can define it. She's always had a bit of an attitude and has always had that "mean girl thing" going on like her mom does, but nothing like this. She doesn't listen, she has horrible meltdowns when people don't pay attention to her, she refuses to brush her teeth, she is a bully to my daughter, she is so disrespectful to her father and the way she speaks to him. She does things I would never think a little girl could do or even think of. For example: she told my daughter to pee on the floor in the basement and if she didn't, she wouldn't be her friend anymore. So she did it and so did my fiance's daughter. My daughter came upstairs immediately and told me what she had done and said she was sorry and told me what my fiance's daughter (we will call her sally) told her. Sally was right behind her like she always is ready to speak before my daughter and coming up with every lie she can think of. The cat did it. The dog did it. My daughter knows better and told me the truth. Then she goes home and tells her mom that i say things to her and ask her things when I have never and would never do that or put a child in that situation. I have been the epitome of a good step mom. I have been there (the only one) when sally is sick, I do fun things with them both, I never EVER show her any less love than a child deserves and always make things fair for the both of them. I go out of my way to be good to her. I even had a talk with her one night she was crying and asked her to tell me what is going on in her heart. She told me her mom never plays with her or dances with her or cooks with her (the three of us were in the kitchen doing that earlier that night). It broke my heart and I told her we would talk to her dad and maybe he could talk to her mommy and things would get better. Well, they didn't.

The other night my daughter was completely amazed by this furbie. She had never seen one before and she loved it and she was really excited telling sally about it and sally said. "Cool... that's awesome... you keep playing with it" in the most sarcastic, nasty tone there could be. Then my daughter came to tell me that sally took all of her doll furniture and won't give it back and of course sally was right behind my daughter ready for the lies and excuses (this is constantly occuring). She said she has no doll furniture which is a blatant lie. The kid has more stuff than any kid i know. At the end, my fiance and I said it's not nice to take people's things and claim it as yours just because they let you play with it (which is what she did) and she said, "fine... then get it out of my dollhouse." That dollhouse was a special doll house I gave her that my daughter had but since we live together now and hers was broken, we gave it to her.

I'm listening to her in the bathroom with her dad right now. Usually I would be the one taking care of her on a Tuesday but her dad is doing it because I need a break from her. She is saying no to getting dressed, no to brushing her teeth, demanding things and giving him an attitude.

This past weekend we got accusatory text messages from the Queen Bee herself saying how Sally has a meltdown every time she knows she has to come here for the weekend. She said she hates it here and no one pays any attention to her and we are mean to her. That couldn't be farther from the truth. Her Mom always has a hard time accepting responsibility and also told us that she doesn't like sally's therapist and doesn't know how much longer she will be seeing her because the therapist told Jane things she doesn't want to hear and accept. We met with the therapist as well who told us that She isnt a warm and loving mother (which we already know) and showed us a picture sally drew which depicted her mother not paying attention to her. I guess the therapist brought this to Jane's attention and Jane decided she doesn't want Sally to see her anymore. But Sally loves her and this broke my heartt because I felt like we were finally getting somehwere. The therapist also suggested we speak with an attorney and seek 50/50 custody and sally needs to be in a warm, loving environment which our house always is. We are all affectionate and loving and we do a lot of laughing. Well, at least we used to. Her Mom being pregnant again and always on some sort of a war path with someone, sally's behavior and my fiance's lack of being able to communicate has left me rendered completely helpless and feeling alone. Until June my daughter is with her father who I used to live near and she is finishing the school year there and i have her on the weekends. Every weekend Sally is with us is a nightmare and my daughter doesn't even want to come here which is making her father ask questions. I explained the situation to him. I almost feel like I should leave this home before my daughter starts here next year and move back to the area I was in before this all gets worse and my daughter switches schools.

Jane is not a good person and neither is her husband. They are mean, careless, people and Sally gets spanked regularly there and gives her Mom a hard time every single day apparently. Jane likes to post about how horrible her child is on facebook and people tell us about it. We fear Sally is only going to get worse once the baby is born. My fiance hates confrontation so much that the thought of hiring a lawyer makes him sick. His daughter's mother is so difficult. She always wins. She can't lose and she is constantly making threats.

I'm sorry if that was all so much. I know there is so much more. I don't even know if what I wrote just made sense because I am writing this through many tears. I used to love my life with my girls and my fiance and now I hate it and know that I deserve more and so does my daughter and sally and my fiance but I don't know how to fix it.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Raye - posted on 02/17/2016

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I am a step-mom, with a bio-mom that is completely self absorbed. So, I feel your pain. I really do. It's a hard road. If your fiancé won't work with you, with the child, and with the child's mother to make it better, then run for the hills. Neither biological parents seems to be doing what's best for that kid. And you and your daughter are stuck in the middle.

Sarah - posted on 02/16/2016

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I am not sure what sort of advice you want? If she is truly that awful, then until she gets help I would nor marry into her family. She sounds like a sad lost kid. You can't fix this, only your BF, and the mother can.

Dove - posted on 02/16/2016

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You can't pursue custody. It has to be on him. You can encourage and support him, but HE is the one that has to get the lawyer and file and be in the court room. In court where I am... only the parents and the lawyers are even allowed in the court room. You would not be permitted to enter unless you were called to testify... and then you would only be in the room during your testimony. If the therapist will write a letter... great. If the therapist is willing to testify... even better.

Dove - posted on 02/16/2016

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She's 6... and her life is full of emotional turmoil and upheaval. She obviously needs a lot of help and support and w/ the conflicts w/ her mother it doesn't sound like she will ever get it.

11 Comments

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CeCe - posted on 02/19/2016

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I don't have any advice but I do want to offer my support. You're doing a good thing, reaching out for help, out of love for *both* of your daughters. And yes, I do count your stepdaughter as your daughter. It sounds as if you treat her that way. It's too bad you guys can't get full custody of her. It seems that would be the best solution. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

Renee - posted on 02/19/2016

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I have been debating that. It's sad because my fiancé is my best friend and I know he should be standing up to this woman and for his daughter but he doesn't because he's afraid of her. I understand she makes it hell for us if he ever voices his opinion about anything and we don't want that but It infuriates me. I Iove his daughter and our home and him but this is going to tear us apart.

Renee - posted on 02/16/2016

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He wants to. He's just worried about what tricks Jane has up her sleeve. I know I can't go in there. I just went through my own custody battle. Only my daughter's father and me get along and do what's best for our daughter. I just don't understand people who can't see how they're hurting their children. I will talk to the therapist with my fiancé. Thanks!

Renee - posted on 02/16/2016

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So do you think I should take the wheel and get at least 50/50 custody? Her therapist seems to think we can get it and can see we love her and want what's best for her and not what her mom thinks is best. We think she might write a letter on our behalf. I don't want her to grow up in that house with that mother and it's clear that's what the problem is. We are very open and honest here. I just need my fiancé on board and although he says he is, he is very non confrontational and would be an anxiety ridden disaster but when it comes to our children, I would go to the ends of the world. He needs to as well.

Renee - posted on 02/16/2016

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Dove, what do you mean by that poor kid? Just curious to know. That poor kid because she bullies my kid? That poor kid because we give her all the love and attention in the world and she lies and is disrespectful to her father, her mother, me and her stepfather? Just want to get an idea of what your one liner means.

Renee - posted on 02/16/2016

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Nothing is the mom's fault and my fiancé doesn't try to talk to her about anything. She used to not be a sad, lost kid. Her mom got pregnant and all this started happening because she isn't the center of attention anymore.

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