I really need some advice!!!!!!

Jeannie - posted on 05/26/2016 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Im 6 months pregnant and am unwed and single. The father of my child and I split up bc I found out that he was doing drugs and had been hiding it from me even after we found out i was expecting. This resulted in our power getting turned off and getting $1300.00 behind in rent, neither which i had an idea about until after the fact. He wasnt excited when we found out i was expecting, never asked about my dr appointments or wanted to go to any, and when i bought things for the baby, he could of not honestly of cared less. Now after I left him, he suddenly showed interest into my son and says he has been trying to stay clean, which i found out wasnt completely true.... I told him we can communicate but only if its about my child. He has not followed those guidelines,and has sent me hundreds of messages not inquiring or asking about my son at all, but instead about him and I getting back together. I have told him numerous times that that will not happen. Now its gotten to the point of harassment. He has blown up my mom, my little sister, and even my boss at my Job, still not asking anything regarding my son. I have threatened a restraining order if this continued, which did nothing. Im to the point now that I want to tell him that he is not the father, because honestly, it feels like he only shows any interest in my son because he thinks it will get me back with him. Hes not going to be put on the birth certificate and my son will have my last name. I really just want him out of our lives. I need help on what to do or what I can do.

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Dove - posted on 05/26/2016

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If he WANTS to be involved and takes YOU to court... you could potentially LOSE custody of your son. Do you want him to be raised by this man and you have no say in anything?

You don't have all the power simply because you are the one giving birth. Father's have rights and if you aren't willing to work w/ him through the court to protect your child... you run the risk of permanently losing your child. WILL it happen? No one can tell you. CAN it happen? Yes it can and it has happened to women like you in your situation before.

You asked for advice... the best advice is to get it all done through the courts because a court order is the BEST way to protect your child.

Raye - posted on 05/26/2016

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Dove gave some good advice. You can give your child whatever name you want. It doesn't have to be the father's last name, even if the father is listed on the BC. When the baby is born, there's no reason not to name the father on the BC. It could be fraud if you don't, and the child could be eligible for benefits that they wouldn't get if his name isn't on the BC. And you will need proof of paternity anyway to file for child support. The father has a financial responsibility to their child and should pay support. It is not being mean to the father to file for support. It's all well and good if you can support the child on your own, but you should still file for support and sock away that money for the child's education or unexpected expenses. Just because the father pays doesn't mean he automatically gets more time with the child. And if he doesn't pay, that doesn't mean you can withhold the child. It doesn't work that way. Get custody and visitation worked out through the courts, then each parent knows what their responsibilities are regarding the child, and can't manipulate each other for their own agenda. If you have no interest in getting back with him, then do try to keep communication only about the child. You can get a restraining order if he is harassing you, but that only extends to you, and not the child unless you can prove he's a danger to the child.

Dove - posted on 05/26/2016

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You can certainly seek a restraining order for the harassment, but not putting him on the birth certificate and/or trying to keep him out of his child's life is wrong. Your child has a right to a relationship w/ both of his parents. Your choice in sexual partners is not his fault and it is not OK for you to make him pay for that.

Now... if the father IS doing drugs... document any evidence you have of that fact and get a lawyer. When the baby is born you go to court to get custody, visitation, and child support worked out. Request that the father have to submit to drug tests and prove clean otherwise he has to have supervised visitations (your lawyer can sort this all out and tell you what needs to happen).

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Jeannie - posted on 05/26/2016

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No i completely agree, i do want to do everything legally and through the courts. I have recently talked to a lawyer and he agreed that i should not list him anywhere on the birth certificate especially since we werent married and are not together, so thats my plan with that. I have been documenting any evidence i get that he is still on drugs to take to court if needs be and as of last week, hes still making regular visits to his dealer. I wouldnt of gotten with him if i had known he still had a problem, but at the time, he had me believing he had been clean and had been receiving help, which turned out to be a lie. I do not mind him seeing my son as long as he can prove he is clean, but i dont want him to be able to leave with him or with his family because his family ignores the fact that he has an addiction problem and does nothing about it. I am filing for a restraining order tomorrow, Im just worried that doing so is going to upset him and make him act out or try to fight for more rights to my son. I just dont trust him and have a lot of reasons and examples of why i dont, and Im worried for the safety and well being of my child. Child support doesnt concern me, i understand what you are saying about getting it, but i can very much support a child on my income alone. Money isnt my concern, a safe environment and healthy, stable life for my child is. Im all for Fathers having the same rights as Mothers, but I also believe that DNA doesnt automatically make you a parent and that goes for Mothers and Fathers. Your actions do and he literally showed no concern for our child until after I left and even then he only mentioned him a handful of times. I want to do everything by the book and whats best for my son.

Jeannie - posted on 05/26/2016

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Like I said, he is still doing drugs, and honestly I dont know any responsible parent that would voluntarily want their child in that type of environment. Now, if he was clean and being a responsible adult himself, i would not mind my child being around him at all. But I will not put my child into that situation where he will be around it. The father chose the drugs over his child and is still choosing to, which is why I do no want him around. Would I rather the circumstances to be different? Yes, but I am dealing with the hand Ive been dealt and am trying to make the best and safest choices for my son.

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