I really need some help and advice

Mil - posted on 02/19/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I really need some help... I've been in a relationship with a widower for almost 3 years. He is not only my boyfriend but also my employer. His wife of 17 years passed away in 2005. He has 2 children at home 18 (girl) and 11(boy) and I have 1 boy age 18. Our kids get along great together. In reality I have one of my own and 2 step kids whom I love very much. It wasn't always easy for me as it was very rocky at the beginning with his older girl, but now, she looks up to me for advice and support in the absence of her mom.

After all this time together, I still had my own place that I had been renting even though I hadn't been living there for over 9 months. Due to a financial situation and the fact that I had been staying at his home for all this time, we decided that it was better that I give up my apt which I did about a month ago and told the landlord that I would be out by Feb 15 th. I distributed my furniture within my boyfriends house, gave some away and put a little in storage. As it is, during this time, we have been looking for a bigger house to better fit all of us. All this said to explain my current situation.

A few weeks after we started dating, I found out that my boyfriend ( we will call him A) had had an affair with a woman that used to work in the same company as his wife but not sure if they actually worked together as this woman lives in another state. "A" and his wife did not have a great relationship. He had been having an affair with this woman for 3 years before his wife died and continued after through his other dating relationships all the way up to us. He would see her usually when he travelled for business or would make the 1.3 hr flight to go visit for a night or two or she would come down to where he lived and stayed in a hotel. He never took her to his house or to meet his kids. He says that she was crazy as she even sent him a power point presentation with a timeline (which he showed me) on how their relationship would work long distance. Nevertheless, that didn't discourage him from seeing her. He has always said that....that is why she is there and he is here. If he wanted to be with her, they would be together. At the beginning of our relationship, she had called and texted a few times, that's when I found out who she was. I told him that was not acceptable to me and I know he stopped it as she sent a text several months later saying that she wanted to know if he was interested in continuing the relationship as she had not had any replies from him to her texts or emails...and his silence was unbearable.

At some point I know they spoke again and she invited herself to a business trip he was going on, but he declined. Later that year I know they spoke again during a long road trip that "A" and his kids took to go hunting. On Thanksgiving day of 2012, while "A", myself and the kids where headed to a small vacation, she texted him. I happened to be holding the phone and saw the text, so, I answered her. I gave her a piece of my mind! I also asked her to respect the fact that he was not a single man and had been in a committed relationship for over a year and a half. She didn't reply to my text, however, she emailed him that afternoon and told him all about it. I was so fed up at that point that I told "A" that I didn't want anything with him anymore and it was over. He pleaded not to let this get between us that he hadn't seen her since he started dating me and she meant nothing to him. He texted her in front of me and asked her to stop communicating with him.

Fast forward to June of 2013, I know they spoke on his birthday this past year. Anyhow, it seemed that she was out of our lives until the other day. "A" took a business trip for two nights to one of our largest accounts. I didn't think anything of it. It did cross my mind ( very briefly) that why hadn't he gotten a flight back the afternoon after his meeting like he usually did, but trusting him fully, didn't give it a second thought. Well he was out the 12 and 13 of Feb. He took a flight home on the morning of the 14th ( Valentines Day). He got to the office at about lunch time and surprised me with a beautiful bouquet of 2 dozen roses with my other favorite flowers, daisies. He also brought a card and a little chocolate cake. I thought that was so sweet. Later I found out that he made the bouquet himself, which really impressed me. That night we had a wonderful dinner and life went on. On Sunday, just as I was finishing my move from my apartment (February 16) I found out that he had been with her on his 2nd night away. He picked her up at the airport and took her to his hotel. They both left on separate flights the next morning. When I confronted him about this, I first asked him if he was happy? He said Absolutely! ( We really do have a great relationship by all accounts....intellectual, emotional, sexual) Then, I asked him to tell me what had gone on while he was away and at first he asked what I was talking about and I told him that I knew what had gone on....told him that I was very disappointed with him, that I had lost all my trust in him. Needless to say he was shocked. I told him that it was incredible that he had told her that I was no longer around and he immediately snapped and said.... "That's not true! As a matter of fact NOTHING happened between us... It was a fight from the time she arrived. He said that all they did was argue about me and at the dinner table, he got fed up and left. She had her own room. He even said... Check with the hotel. Somehow, what he had just told me, seemed sincere. I asked him why he did it? First he said that it was over... That he felt he owed her closure... I said... that's not why she was there. Then he looked at me and said he didn't know. That she just kept contacting him and was the one that wanted to continue. That maybe he needed it for his self-esteem, ( he has gained some weight and doesn't feel great about himself lately ). I have never put him down. On the contrary, I try to tell him that we will work on it. He said he had not cheated on me before and in essence, he still hadn't, as they didn't do anything. He said that he knew it was a mistake from the moment he picked her up at the airport and when he got home the next day all he could think about was doing something nice for me. He asked me not to let this ruin "US". He never said he was sorry, but he did ask me to forgive him... Is this the same? Not sure. He never tells me he loves me, but does show it in a lot of different ways. It is very seldom that he travels by himself as we are always together. Not because I want to, just because we enjoy each others company. We work together.. he is the owner of the company and my "boss" and we deal with some very nice accounts that we call on together.

I am really between a rock and hard place. I love him and I love the kids, my son has been hurt in a previous relationship and I would hate to destroy what he has now. My financial situation is not the greatest and it all rides on my employment as well. I have no apt to go back to and my furniture is dispersed. It feels like my world has crashed in a matter of days. He didn't want a formal commitment even though we did everything as a family. I, on the other hand, do want a formal commitment for my life. I was getting over the idea and feeling that it could work the other way but I realize that... that is not what I want. Problem is that right now, I can't even look at him straight in the face, much less want any kind of commitment with him. The thought of him even touching me makes my stomach turn. He is trying to continue as if nothing happened but... it's just not there. Please do not judge me as I say the following: I am a woman of faith... I am a Christian ( and yes, I know I have been living in sin and that is one of my struggles) He is a practicing Catholic. He serves in his church. We have attended his church every Sunday since I met him. This didn't make a difference to me as we all serve the same God. I really thought that things would be different... I truly believed that God had placed him in my path, that if we both sought God that things would be different. Maybe it's all been a mistake. At this point, as you can tell, I'm so confused. I don't want the kids to suffer, I love him and I feel completely unraveled. I need some advice... an extra head... anything would help. Thank you for reading....

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Mil - posted on 02/21/2014

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Dear Rebekah,

Again, thank you so much for reading my post and sharing your advice with me. As I had mentioned, I sat down with him on Wednesday night and had a much needed conversation. He told me the whole story. He said that she had been insisting that she wanted to see him in person and that his old self came out and felt a little excited and finally gave in. However, he said that when he was on his way to the airport to pick her up, he felt sick to his stomach... A feeling he says stayed with him for days after he got home. He says he was very happy that it had come out in the open because he wanted to tell me as soon as he got home as he doesn't have any secrets from me but knew that it would have created a huge issue and he didn't want to hurt me, he wanted it behind him. When he picked her up she asked.. are you not going to kiss me? He said... We need to talk. From then on, according to him, it was a huge argument that was had at a table at the lobby of the hotel where he told her twice that she needed to lower her voice or security would probably come. At one point, he got up from the the table and told her he was done arguing and went to his room. She got her own room. The next morning, she was waiting in the lobby for a ride to the airport. He says that he doubts that she would ever try to contact him again after all the things he told her. He also says that he realized that she is a little sinister, something he hadn't seen before, as she only wants relationships with men who are in committed relationships. It's the game of conquering. Anyhow, he said that he would do whatever it took to gain my trust back and that he understood that he had really messed up. He did say he was so sorry and again, asked me to forgive him... Which I already did, as we all make mistakes. He immediately deleted her phone and we are going to find out how to block both her number and email. He also promised to tell me if she ever tries to contact him again. I told him that the only reason I was still there is because he had told me that nothing had happened. I have a zero tolerance policy for infidelity and he knows that. I thanked him for making the choices he did because in the midst of the bad, he did the right thing.

I just wanted to let you know that your advice has been well received and very much appreciated. May The Lord bless you and your family greatly and if you think about it, keep me in your prayers! :-)

Many blessings! Mil

Rebekah - posted on 02/19/2014

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Glad I could offer some ideas for you... and happy for you that you have already looked into other work possibilities. I can see how it would be hard to change his phone number, if that is the one that many clients have. Is it possible to block her numbers? Anyway there is only so much that can be done. If its going to work, he needs to not send her any mixed messages to have her think he is still available to her.
I'm sure its perfectly normal for your anger to motivate images of revenge on her! :) Just don't let it get the best of you... keep it in check, and don't let it distract you from the fact that "A" is the one who is accountable in the relationship, not this woman. He is the one that is supposed to be keeping other temptations at bay, and not do anything to compromise the trust relationship with you.
Continue to keep it in prayer... God's timing is different than our own, but hopefully the clarity about what to do next will come soon. Blessings to you too.

Mil - posted on 02/19/2014

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Rebekah,
Your post is so appreciated and full of wonderful advice. I have just started looking for another job and will continue to do so. I actually started to work for him months after we started dating. A position opened up in his company as a sales manager, and that is what I am. I am now running one of his other companies where we were going to become partners as I have brought a lot of knowledge to the table, but now I'm not so sure I want any of that. Unfortunately his number is used a lot for his business, a number he has had for numerous years and one which many clients have... So I know he won't be changing that number. I plan to talk with him this evening as he had asked me to pray about what I wanted to do, however, I haven't really heard Gods voice. I will ask him about the Christian counseling and see what he says. On one last note... I actually scared myself this afternoon as I was thinking of ways to get revenge on her... And I'm not like that.... No bodily harm, but definitely some mental revenge.... :-) I guess this process works in stages. Again, thank you. Many blessings!

Rebekah - posted on 02/19/2014

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Tough situation. I would be suspicious, too with his behaviors, and his history of having an affair in the past. Although he has made some apparent strides to not associate with this woman, why did he not change his number so she could no longer contact him? That's in the past, now anyway.
The fact that he doesn't want a formal commitment also makes me wonder about his underlying feelings toward relationships. Not that a piece of paper will change someone's behaviors, but if he is saying outright that he doesn't want a formal commitment, I would wonder why that is. Is it because he can't see himself as remaining with one person? Does he really want the same things you do? Just wondering about that.
You obviously have a lot of anger about this (rightly so), but there are kids involved, as well as your job. If you (and he) are committed to making things work, it may be wise to get couple's counseling. See if a third party can help you both put things in perspective and help design a path back towards a trusting relationship.
I'm wondering if it also wouldn't be healthy to try to find another job. It is complicated enough (and may challenge workplace policies?) to be dating your boss... you lives are entangled together...which is ok, I guess, if things are going great, but if things are going rough? You can't get away from it, and I'd worry about work issues stemming from that. You may want to try to get yourself financially strong on your own end (at another place of employment) so that if you are not able to work it out (or need to move out while you work it out), you can do so without the financial pressure that keeps you there.
If your faith is a big part of your lives, you can get Christian counseling. See if your faith can help with forgiveness, and him with honesty. Faith is an awesome thing to have in common, but as we are all human, we make mistakes. You have to figure out if this one is going to be one you can work through or not. God will help you through this tough time... but seek out support and evaluate your priorities. If he cannot honor your relationship, and/or you cannot find a way to trust him again, then it is not going to be healthy for you or the kids. Best of luck to you.

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