Mil - posted on 02/19/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )
I really need some help... I've been in a relationship with a widower for almost 3 years. He is not only my boyfriend but also my employer. His wife of 17 years passed away in 2005. He has 2 children at home 18 (girl) and 11(boy) and I have 1 boy age 18. Our kids get along great together. In reality I have one of my own and 2 step kids whom I love very much. It wasn't always easy for me as it was very rocky at the beginning with his older girl, but now, she looks up to me for advice and support in the absence of her mom.
After all this time together, I still had my own place that I had been renting even though I hadn't been living there for over 9 months. Due to a financial situation and the fact that I had been staying at his home for all this time, we decided that it was better that I give up my apt which I did about a month ago and told the landlord that I would be out by Feb 15 th. I distributed my furniture within my boyfriends house, gave some away and put a little in storage. As it is, during this time, we have been looking for a bigger house to better fit all of us. All this said to explain my current situation.
A few weeks after we started dating, I found out that my boyfriend ( we will call him A) had had an affair with a woman that used to work in the same company as his wife but not sure if they actually worked together as this woman lives in another state. "A" and his wife did not have a great relationship. He had been having an affair with this woman for 3 years before his wife died and continued after through his other dating relationships all the way up to us. He would see her usually when he travelled for business or would make the 1.3 hr flight to go visit for a night or two or she would come down to where he lived and stayed in a hotel. He never took her to his house or to meet his kids. He says that she was crazy as she even sent him a power point presentation with a timeline (which he showed me) on how their relationship would work long distance. Nevertheless, that didn't discourage him from seeing her. He has always said that....that is why she is there and he is here. If he wanted to be with her, they would be together. At the beginning of our relationship, she had called and texted a few times, that's when I found out who she was. I told him that was not acceptable to me and I know he stopped it as she sent a text several months later saying that she wanted to know if he was interested in continuing the relationship as she had not had any replies from him to her texts or emails...and his silence was unbearable.
At some point I know they spoke again and she invited herself to a business trip he was going on, but he declined. Later that year I know they spoke again during a long road trip that "A" and his kids took to go hunting. On Thanksgiving day of 2012, while "A", myself and the kids where headed to a small vacation, she texted him. I happened to be holding the phone and saw the text, so, I answered her. I gave her a piece of my mind! I also asked her to respect the fact that he was not a single man and had been in a committed relationship for over a year and a half. She didn't reply to my text, however, she emailed him that afternoon and told him all about it. I was so fed up at that point that I told "A" that I didn't want anything with him anymore and it was over. He pleaded not to let this get between us that he hadn't seen her since he started dating me and she meant nothing to him. He texted her in front of me and asked her to stop communicating with him.
Fast forward to June of 2013, I know they spoke on his birthday this past year. Anyhow, it seemed that she was out of our lives until the other day. "A" took a business trip for two nights to one of our largest accounts. I didn't think anything of it. It did cross my mind ( very briefly) that why hadn't he gotten a flight back the afternoon after his meeting like he usually did, but trusting him fully, didn't give it a second thought. Well he was out the 12 and 13 of Feb. He took a flight home on the morning of the 14th ( Valentines Day). He got to the office at about lunch time and surprised me with a beautiful bouquet of 2 dozen roses with my other favorite flowers, daisies. He also brought a card and a little chocolate cake. I thought that was so sweet. Later I found out that he made the bouquet himself, which really impressed me. That night we had a wonderful dinner and life went on. On Sunday, just as I was finishing my move from my apartment (February 16) I found out that he had been with her on his 2nd night away. He picked her up at the airport and took her to his hotel. They both left on separate flights the next morning. When I confronted him about this, I first asked him if he was happy? He said Absolutely! ( We really do have a great relationship by all accounts....intellectual, emotional, sexual) Then, I asked him to tell me what had gone on while he was away and at first he asked what I was talking about and I told him that I knew what had gone on....told him that I was very disappointed with him, that I had lost all my trust in him. Needless to say he was shocked. I told him that it was incredible that he had told her that I was no longer around and he immediately snapped and said.... "That's not true! As a matter of fact NOTHING happened between us... It was a fight from the time she arrived. He said that all they did was argue about me and at the dinner table, he got fed up and left. She had her own room. He even said... Check with the hotel. Somehow, what he had just told me, seemed sincere. I asked him why he did it? First he said that it was over... That he felt he owed her closure... I said... that's not why she was there. Then he looked at me and said he didn't know. That she just kept contacting him and was the one that wanted to continue. That maybe he needed it for his self-esteem, ( he has gained some weight and doesn't feel great about himself lately ). I have never put him down. On the contrary, I try to tell him that we will work on it. He said he had not cheated on me before and in essence, he still hadn't, as they didn't do anything. He said that he knew it was a mistake from the moment he picked her up at the airport and when he got home the next day all he could think about was doing something nice for me. He asked me not to let this ruin "US". He never said he was sorry, but he did ask me to forgive him... Is this the same? Not sure. He never tells me he loves me, but does show it in a lot of different ways. It is very seldom that he travels by himself as we are always together. Not because I want to, just because we enjoy each others company. We work together.. he is the owner of the company and my "boss" and we deal with some very nice accounts that we call on together.
I am really between a rock and hard place. I love him and I love the kids, my son has been hurt in a previous relationship and I would hate to destroy what he has now. My financial situation is not the greatest and it all rides on my employment as well. I have no apt to go back to and my furniture is dispersed. It feels like my world has crashed in a matter of days. He didn't want a formal commitment even though we did everything as a family. I, on the other hand, do want a formal commitment for my life. I was getting over the idea and feeling that it could work the other way but I realize that... that is not what I want. Problem is that right now, I can't even look at him straight in the face, much less want any kind of commitment with him. The thought of him even touching me makes my stomach turn. He is trying to continue as if nothing happened but... it's just not there. Please do not judge me as I say the following: I am a woman of faith... I am a Christian ( and yes, I know I have been living in sin and that is one of my struggles) He is a practicing Catholic. He serves in his church. We have attended his church every Sunday since I met him. This didn't make a difference to me as we all serve the same God. I really thought that things would be different... I truly believed that God had placed him in my path, that if we both sought God that things would be different. Maybe it's all been a mistake. At this point, as you can tell, I'm so confused. I don't want the kids to suffer, I love him and I feel completely unraveled. I need some advice... an extra head... anything would help. Thank you for reading....