I received a very disturbing email!What should I do?

Erika - posted on 09/09/2011 ( 26 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 13 a beautiful young lady,her father is white and I am black.He has never attempt to buy her anything or try to even spend time with her.His mother and also his brother are a big part of her life,his sister-in-law recently told me that her dad is always asking her why do you allow her to come over.



I never knew and no one has ever bothered to tell me that he was making a big stink about his own daughter being around his relatives.

I have not saw this man in 8 years.Recently he sent me an email through his girlfriend's profile.He goes on to say that my daughter is a half breed nigger and that I was a dirty low down nigger.His exact words were if you was on fire I wouldn't waste my pee on you.



My daughter has never tried to contact him nor myself, I am married to a wonderful man of 7 years.He treats my daughter as if she was his own.I have never asked him for a penny in her 13 years of being on this earth.I can't believe he has a nerve to send an email when my family doesn't bother him the letter was so hateful I can't even post it.He also states he hates that nigger,how can a person have so much hate when we ignore his existence.



He pays very little child support and I never ask him for anything,my husband does well for his family and we always treat people how we would like to be treated.I am not sure what to do the email was so graphic I'm afraid for her to be around his family the email was awful.



I could really use some advise on what to do!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Christy - posted on 09/10/2011

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MAKE 100% sure this email came from him, and NOT his GF. You never know. Why didn't he email you himself, or call you? Has he EVER said anything like this to you before? Think before acting is all I can suggest, and do your research. HUGS!!!!!! And kudos to you for being a SUPER mom.

Bridget - posted on 09/11/2011

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Erika, I really dont want to sound like a broken record, as you have been told by several replies to keep the e-mail. BUT PLEASE print it out, keep it in a safe place and make sure your daughter doesnt read it until she is old enough/mature enough to handle it. As it would be terrible to read by chance, and even worse knowing it was said by her "father"! I think it would be a good idea to have a sit-down with his family members that do want contact with your daughter and inform them about this e-mail. Dont accuse ANYONE of sending it, but do let them know that you are VERY CONCERNED as to the content of it, and that YOU NEED to make sure that your daughter will not be in any danger while on visits with them, in the event that the biological father happens to come in contact with her. I think that by having a talk with them in person, it will give you some insight as to who might have sent it and also if you know them well, you will know by their actions if they are telling the truth about knowing how this man feels about you and your daughter. After meeting with them and seeing their reaction to this e-mail, you will then be able to make a better decision on weather or not to stop the visits with them. Because you really dont want to stop a "good" relationship she has with his family if its not warranted. If you walk away from the meeting feeling like they might not have been truthful with you, then you probably are RIGHT! And I would stop the visits right away. And just explain to them that you cant put your daughter in harms way knowingly. And I would try to explain things to your daughter in a way that she doesnt feel like it was in any way HER FAULT! Tell his family that until you can be absolutely positive that he wont be around her during a visit, that she will not return for visits, but that they are wlcome to call her at anytime. And when possible you can meet up with them somewhere for a "mini-visit" with YOU present. Tell them how upsetting it was receiving an e-mail of this magnitude. Dont mention the authorities as this will probably spark something in them to make them want to "protect one of their own." Also I would start a log entry in a folder on the computer, or a notebook as to all contact you have with the "dad" as well as his family. And I do mean write EVERYTHING thats said, and done by all involved. Do it right as it happpens as we tend to forget things as time passes expecially when we are upset. If in the event you have to petition the courts, you CAN use this contact log as evidence. Not to mention you may have to show it to your daughter later as a testimony to the fact of how her Father feels about her. I wish I would have done that with my oldest daughters father! She had very little contact with her dad after the divorce and only listened to his family say that I was the one that kept him away. Which in turn, made her think I was the bad guy in all of it and thought HE walked on water.!!! That is until she graduated high school and started having contact with him. Thats when she found out that mom was telling the truth about him as he treated her just like I said he would. We try to shelter our kids from being hurt, even when its the other parent who is doing the hurting, but sometimes we just cant, and they have to learn on their own. Anyway, I wish you luck, and DO NOT LET YOUR GUARD DOWN where he is concerned! It very well could be the girl friend doing it out of jealousy and that could be dangerous as well.!!! I hope you keep us posted as to what happens.

Jane - posted on 09/10/2011

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If you also have a good relationship with this guy's mother and brother, you might show them a print out of the email, raise the question of whether it came from him or his GF, and also simply ask them if they believe he or the GF might harm your daughter either physically or emotionally. Make sure they understand that your concern is simply for the welfare of your daughter, that you want for her to be safe wherever she is, and that you and she value the contact with his family greatly. You hope that by making them aware of this email that they can be prepared in the event that anyone should try to harm her in any way.

You also need to show it or summarize it to your current husband simply so he can be forewarned, as long as you know he won't get angry and confront your daughter's birth father.

My children are both mixed race. They are adopted (my husband and I could not have our own). We have a wonderful relationship with my son's birth father's family, who are black, but have an odd relationship with his birth mother's family, who are white. As long as we do not try to see them they are fine, but they refuse to have direct contact with us. I recently found out that when my son's black grandmother went to visit his white grandmother, the latter said no black people were welcome in her house. Yet this same woman sent gifts and loving letters to our son for several years.

Right now we have no relationship at all with my daughter's birth parents. Her birth mother (white) was disowned by her family for a number of years and her family pretend my daughter does not exist. Her birth father (black) refused to ever meet us, although he (or possibly his mother) wrote her one lovely letter at the time of her placement with us. HIS family include followers of Mr. Farrakhan, so there may be some religious tension about his having consorted with white "demons." I don't know, however, because he has never talked to us.

Racial prejudice is a very odd thing. I have a very hard time understanding it. I am white and Hispanic, my husband was Asian, and our kids are beautiful. And we are all human.

Good luck! Hopefully this will be a one-time event and he or the GF will never do anything further.

Remember to save a copy just in case he or she does something harmful.

Brianna - posted on 09/10/2011

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well his family probably never told u about what he was saying because they were afraid to loose ur daughter since they love her so much. I think u should let ur daughter see her relatives (as long as hes not around) but i think u should show u relative the email he sent. also i would consider taking that letter to a lawyer and have a restaining order against him for u and ur daugher

Kimberly - posted on 09/10/2011

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Maybe ask his mom about the letter. He could feel this way but that doesnt mean the other people in his family are the same. I wont let your daughter see her father after that letter but I would hate for her to lose the other members of her family because of something he did. I have never been in a situation like this and I dont want to be so good luck with what you do.

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26 Comments

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Joann - posted on 02/24/2013

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Perhaps he did not send that e-mail....it sounds like to much hate there for a parent even an absent one to have. I would guess that the e-mail that came from his girlfriends e-mail was from HER and not him. I would print it out and show it to his mother let her get to the bottom of it. I cannot imagine she will like this "person" calling her granddaughter all these horrible names. Thank god you do not have to worry about your daughter being around him and his horrible girl friend !

Fit2BMe - posted on 09/21/2011

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I found this shocking. Not sure where you are from, but I am from southern Canada (GTA) and have to say, honestly, I have never heard any language like that about someone in my life--and I'm in my 30's!

I'm sorry you had to be the recipient of such ignorance.

My first thought when I read this was that this individual clearly has a lot of SELF-hatred, and he is therefore spewing his garbage out on you. When someone comes out with something like that, that is so vile, random, and over the top, it's clearly about the sender and not the recipient. Personally, my advice would be to not dignify it with a response. To ignore it on every level and dismiss those ignorant words from your life. It's cause for celebration that he is not in your life anymore, that's for sure.

My family is mixed-race also. I want to say, on behalf of the Uneducated, ignorant, god-less and disgustingly hateful white people that are out there, (tho I certainly am not one), I am truly sorry for how some of my skin tone have treated you and others. This upsets me to my very core.

Fp. - posted on 09/21/2011

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terrible, it says all about his attitude and personality. lucky u did't end up with him. keep the mail but ignore, life goes on, and for 13yrs it has. ignore.

Rhonda - posted on 09/20/2011

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If I was in your position I would save that hate mail and use it against him in the future to keep your daughter safe, I would talk to the in laws and show a copy of letter b/c maybe they have heard/seen this dangerous hate and kept it hush. You are doing great in a safe happy life you do not need his poor excuse of support, so dump the idea of him and if the relationship with his realitives are positive and safe then dont ruin that they shouldnt have to be punished for his wrongs

Michelle - posted on 09/15/2011

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emails like that probley wound hold up in court because anyone could have wrote it but i would have his rights as a parent taken away .go to court for full custody and ask your husband to adopt . life is to short to be around people like this .

Christine - posted on 09/13/2011

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It sounds like you are married to a wonderful man now and if he is ok with it, I would suggest that when you have birthday parties or get togethers maybe it would be best if his family came over to your house. With that much hate coming from her own father I wouldn't let her anywhere he could possibly be. If you tell his family what happen I'm sure they would understand.

Barbara - posted on 09/12/2011

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tell your husband and tell this other wimp to leave his thoughts to himself he doesnt deserve to reproduce

Svialva1 - posted on 09/11/2011

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Sadly, It appears that his connection his past is something that this jerk can't face and with your daughter visiting his folks ,it's a reminder.It's not right,but you sure did the right thing by moving on to a better place in you life. That e-mail probably did come from his girlfriend that was a bit threatened by your daughter's existance and a lot racist. If he did send it,hit "reply" and say You didn't hate me 13 yrs and nine months when you were humping on me like the dog in heat that you were".

And let you daughter know that there are two kinds of fathers/men, sperm donors like him and real fathers

like your husband.Focus on the real father,forget the bum.

Tillie - posted on 09/11/2011

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OMG, this man is sick. He obviously can't accept that he fathered your daughter, but isn't it great that his Mother and Brother accept and love her unconditionally. I would focus on that, but I believe it's very important that his Mom and Brother know exactly how he feels. You want to cover all your bases; to make sure your daughter is safe when she is with his family. They should not treat this lightly, neither should you. I would never share his ugly thoughts with you daughter, although if you have make sure your daughter knows that some people are very unhappy (as the case w/her Dad or should I say sperm donor). Good luck!

Jackie - posted on 09/11/2011

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I would have your husband now adopt her. Forget those nasty people. She is a child and who cares what color she is.

Katherine - posted on 09/11/2011

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I agree with Christy. It may have come from his GF now. It doesn't make sense that he would all of the sudden attack you in this manner. I would save it. You do never know when you might need it. And if it continues you can get a PPO.

Jessica - posted on 09/10/2011

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I'd document that and pass it to the court. I'm sorry but it sounds like your daughter has a wonderful momma and step dad and doesn't need such horrific people around her.

Mary - posted on 09/10/2011

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Forgive him and move on. YOU were blessed with a beautiful daughter and a man who does love you and her. So you are twice blessed. He is the one who is loosing out and nothing you can do will change how he feels except himself so therefore you win and he looses but he will have to stand in front of GOD. I have a different situation that I will not go into but I have learned to forgive and my life is sooooo much better cause I have Jesus on my side.

Corliss - posted on 09/10/2011

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Thats a really sad situation because every child should know both parents. Its nice that his family accepts her...atleast we know that some members of his family has sense. The best thing i feel u should do is stay away from him...keep your daughter away from him also. He seems like the type that might harm you both. It would have been nice to know what kinda person he was before u had a baby by him...but i know u dont regret your beautiful daughter. Keep your head up and u are in my prayers!!!

Hope - posted on 09/10/2011

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This definitely cyber bullying. I would be concerned for your daughters safety, whether it is truly from the father or his girlfriend. I would do everything I could to make sure she is never near that man or his girlfriend but because it sounds like other members of this mans family love your daughter, I would try to keep her relationship w/them intact. Keep that e-mail and try to talk w/his family members to try to find out if he has ever expressed such hatred towards you or your daughter before (this could be the rant of a jealous girlfriend) If there are any further issues I would take this to authorities! Sorry you have to deal with such things but there is ignorance everywhere..... just be happy you are a much better person than him!

Jennifer - posted on 09/10/2011

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I would ask his mother how she feels about her granddaughter and tell her what her son said to you about his own flesh and blood and then go from there so sorry to hear that a father would say that though good luck

Stifler's - posted on 09/10/2011

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That's so racist, what a cunt. Why didn't he send it from his own email if it really was from him. This is called harassment and cyber bullying.

Ez - posted on 09/10/2011

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Yeah I agree with Christy. It's very odd that it came from the girlfriend's account. It could very well have been her who sent it.

Danielle - posted on 09/10/2011

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If it were me, I would forward the e-mail to his family.

I am wondering if it were his girlfriend who sent the e-mail, and not him. Do you know anything about her personality?

In any case, I would stop sending her to visit.
It sounds like you have a beautiful, stable home. After receiving an racist and hurtful e-mail I would see no reason to send her back.
If her father (or whoever he is romantically involved with) is that angry, and close-minded, she could only benefit from distance. If his family has an issue with her non-involvement in their lives then you can refer to the e-mail sent. They can handle the issue from there. You do not owe them anything.

I would also hate to think what would happen when she starts to feel the tension of her fathers (and spouse's) disapproval, and bigotry by being in such close proximity to other family members.

I would also keep a copy of the e-mail as a safety precaution.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/09/2011

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Um. Yeah. I would not let her near them...period. If the letter is a strong indication of how he truly feels, then he does not feel anything good for her.

I am so sorry that you received something so mean and disturbing. The more I read, the more angry I got. Hold onto that e mail. Do not delete it. You never know when you may need it again.

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