I resent my baby HELP

Anonymous - posted on 11/26/2017 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I'm posting this as anonymous because I'm honestly super embarassed and horrified by myself. I currently have an 11 month old, beautiful, funny, amazing kid. She really is great and I do love her but.... Some days I have these awful thoughts towards her.
I have thoughts that I just don't want her, I feel like I hate her so much and just want her to leave me alone. I don't know what to do.
Her dad and I aren't together, he hit the road when she was 3 weeks and never looked back. He was a cheater and compulsive liar as I came to find, and I know I am better off without him... But some days I find myself resenting my baby. I KNOW it's not her fault she was born or that her dad didn't care.
In fact I have always wanted children but she wasn't planned... And although I love her... Like I said sometimes I just hate it and I want to off myself. It's like this huge burden. I work full time and I'm blessed to have a family member who's willing to be paid to watch her - but I'm over my head. I find myself bored with her when I'm with her. Constantly. I don't want to play with her. Sometimes I really really just want to smack her in the face when she won't stop screaming (I NEVER have done that, but these feelings come and go). I honestly scare myself I'm afraid I'm putting my anger and frustration that I have toward her father against her and I know she doesn't deserve it.. Some days I'm just so stressed I just want to put her in her crib and forget about her.
Before I had her I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. She's given me a reason not to off myself because I really wouldn't do something like tht to her. But I don't know what to do. I feel like I see my friends posting about their babies and their awsome husbands / baby daddies that love the kid too and I feel so jealous. Has anybody else ever had thoughts like this? When she was first born I believe I had ppd as I had all the symtoms but I never saw a doctor. I would never actually harm her but my thoughts take me by suprise and they scare me. Sometimes I just want to run away- like her dad did, but my deep feelings of love toward her keep me from leaving and I'm Mad about that too.
I'm mad about being mad haha.

There was once, only once that I actually yelled back at her when she wouldn't stop throwing a fit. I screamed at her and the look of utter fear in her face scared me too. I dont want to be a bad mom :(

4 Comments

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Tammy Sue - posted on 11/27/2017

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I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. A lot of things can contribute to this: fatigue, being a single parent, etc. I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to someone - a counselor or pastor or even a trusted older Mom. Getting into a support group of a Mom's group would help too.
Also, I use the internet a lot to help with these kind of issues. I found some articles that might help: http://bit.ly/2sRePvx
Please check them out.

Sarah - posted on 11/27/2017

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I agree with James! You are not alone. I had so much guilt; I had a beautiful baby, and everything I wanted and yet I was miserable. Talk to your doctor. No one will take her from you but you need to get some help! You are not a bad mom! You are reaching out for help which is more than a lot of people ever do! Keep posting and I am hear for you to listen and support you as best I can. Talk to someone!

James - posted on 11/27/2017

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To honest with you it does sound like a case of post pardom depression and I think you should see a doctor. I know you love your baby girl and want to give her a wonderful life but letting those thoughts go without taking to a doctor can be really bad for you and your baby. It also sounds like before you had your baby girl you were clinically depressed. So as a suggestion from one who is also in a state of depression you should really talk to a doctor. And you should also track down the father for child support.

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