i see my 5yr olds future being a Maury guest, HELP!

Tootie - posted on 09/28/2010 ( 18 moms have responded )

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Hi All. I'm a 31yr old married, mom of 3 girls. My girls are 13,5 and 2 on the 1st of Oct. I'm a SAHM with a blood dissorder called sickle cell anemia. I'm in a lot of pain and I take a lot of medicine. This doesn't stop my disciplining but it mite have had something to do with the way she was treated by everyone around us. I wasen't suppose to have children, let the Drs tell it. and after 5yrss of trying I had her. I can't gaurantee my life span and because of that and she's my first, she was treated "special". Now I'm speaking of my 5yr old. She's teqnicaly my oldest, my 13yr old is my SD. She's been in my life sence she was one and we've had custody of her for the majority of her life. Thats why I say the disciplin hasen't changed.
Now about my problem with Destinee. Ok, so due to my sickle cell she was born 2 months early and i was taking morphine for pain while i spent the last 3 months in the Hospital. She wasen't addicted and she went home soon as she got bigger. She was just little from being early but outside of speaking late, there were no problems, per say....
Destinee has allways been an INCHARGE Type of kid, in your face, wants all the attention and SPOILED! Due to everyone around us, grandma, aunt,uncle and cousins...My husband and I NEVER did the "spoiled" thing in my house. What your allowed to do at grandma,you understand that you can't do it here. I was raised a military Kid so the way i think a child should be, isn't how most people think nowadays. I have rules, I'm the adult and your the child, no talking back, no questioning when i say no to something, You WILL Respect ALL Elders to you. You are to be seen and not heard and yes, my children say "yes ma'am, Yes Sir" and so on. I believe your child should fear you. And My Baby Girl Doesn't care about ANY Of the rules. She does what she wants when she wants. She knows the consiquences, she knows what will make me mad, I Do the discipling and daddy "talks" and All the kids get treated with the same consiquences for the most part. She laughs when your telling her not to do something or when your yelling at her or even if she gets a whoopin, she thinks EVERYTHING is a Joke! I raised my SD and she was NOTHING like that and now my youngest is doing what the 5yr old does. My 5yr old HAS to have the last word.."Destinee, STOP SPINNING YOUR SISTER"!.."Mommy, we're JUST Playing"..stuff like that. She has to have a response to EVERYTHING..Your only 5, you question me "WHY" I said no But she will. I now a child is who they're going to be by 3 and thats what scares me. If she's SO Defient NOW, What is it gone be when she's 14,15. I tried therapy and the Dr basicaly said it's my fault. I stopped seeing him,lol but I'm lost. I see our future sittin on the Maury Stage telling them how out of controle my 12yr old daughter is.She Has a father in the house, hard working and commited to his family and Loves the HELL OUTTA his Girls.If she don't get her way,SMH..She wines and cries over EVERYTHING,I mean EVERYTHING! More than my 2yr old and that drives me CRAZY! She's such a loveling girl and Respectful, she's my heart and I wil NEVER Give up on her but I realy DON'T KNOW what else to do anymore. Her father is callmer than I am but I expect more. What do I do to get her on track. to understand SHE'S NOT the Boss,she's a child. I'm just stumped, Any suggestions? Please, what am I doing Wrong? HELP!

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Patricia - posted on 09/30/2010

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Ok I have a two year old daughter that is extremely strong willed so I understand the strong willed child, but my comment will be more about your parenting style! I was raised exactly like your raising your child, my parents were both military to! We were definately afraid of our parents and we had very severe consequences for stepping out of line. We were also expected to be seen and not heard and if that didn't happened we were in huge trouble! And your right it did keep us out of trouble till we all hit about 16 at that point is when we realized, yes we knew the consequences...so we better make it worth it! That caused us to get in even bigger trouble! Now I am grown and married with a child of my own and I love my parents but not for the way they raised me, in spite of it! I am a well rounded adult but I have to fight my instincts daily not to hit my daughter because thats what I was taught. It also helps that I married a much more well rounded man who helps to balance me. I'm not saying that everything my parents did was wrong but they didn't allow us to be kids and I will always resent them for that! I try to deal with my daughter by talking to her and giving her choices that are acceptable to the situation but I leave smacking her butt as a last resort! I do not use that option often!

Louise - posted on 09/29/2010

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You have lost control of this child and you need to reinstate your position as top dog. What you do is remove her from situations so that she can not take control. Even the crying is a type of control. You start the day with getting down to her eye level and say we are going to have a good day today you are going to listen to me and not talk back. So lets see if we can have a good day shall we. When she starts to play up you say are we having a good day if she takes no notice you send her to her room. Here she can not talk back to you, you can't hear the tears and tantrums and you will be able to control your anger and frustration. This gives you the control and power. When she is quite go to her and say you are here because............Then let her rejoin the family continue to do this all the time even if it means she goes to her room 20 times. She will get fed up with going and will modify her behaviour. There is no point in her arguing if you will not listen to her so she will give up. Always try and give a warning before you send her to her room. It does work and you don't have to smack or shout at your child you simply remove her from the situation. Less stress for you and effective. Good Luck

Iridescent - posted on 09/30/2010

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You're making a good start. It is about consistency, and it sounds as though you're trying. She's old enough that time outs may not be the answer to everything (or anything, if she's not finding it a punishment or deterrent). Turning off the television, taking away favorite toys (at this age, for an hour or an evening is generally plenty unless it's a pretty major offense), always discuss what your expectations are of her (we don't spin the baby, because it will make her sick, and we don't want her sick. You can play ____ with her though and both have a lot of fun). Try to give choices in everything you can. Even issues that don't look like it's possible, it almost always is. "Would you like to get dressed now, or eat breakfast first?" "Do you want oatmeal or cereal for breakfast?" "Should we pick out your clothes for tomorrow before bed, so it's not so hard in the morning, or would you rather wait?" "Do you want the pink outfit or the purple one?" Really, the more control she feels she has, the more secure and less frustrating she will be, and it will make things so much easier on you as well.

Marcy - posted on 09/29/2010

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While I do not agree with your form of parenting I wont comment on it because I found that it just shuts the door of communication. That being said, all kiddos are different. What works for one may not work well for another. it sounds to me like how you raised your SD isn't working for your daughter and now its transferring over to your youngest child. Rather than threaten, give a "whoopin" (your words) or be seen and not heard why not see if positive reinforcement would work. Provide her with the tools to understand the difference between right and wrong before she takes you to that point where you want to lash out at her verbally or physically. I know there are lots of moms out there that think this is the soft approach but with time and consistency it does work. Our son is 4 years old and I have never had to raise my voice to him or physically punish him. I simply explain the situation, give him choices and we move forward. There are days when he cries because he isn't happy with the situation but more often then not its because he is hungry and/or tired. I have bumped in to moms in the playground and at the park who have asked me time and time again how I maintain my level of sanity and stay calm. There are days when I just don't know how I do it but I truly believe that it is paying off. I think that some moms feel like if they parent this way they may lose control of the situation. I really don't think that is the case. It seems like you have tried to handle it the way you were brought up and its not working so why not give this a chance.....it may just surprise you.

Iridescent - posted on 09/29/2010

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Why did you even have kids if you wanted miniature adults? You need to realize she is a child, is learning, and most of her experiences should be positive. Teaching a child to respect you by making them fear you does not work; that's proven over and over, and it simply raises scared or defiant adults, which is really visible by your statement. So congrats, you did exactly what you set out to do by your parenting method. If you want her behavior to change, yours must change first. She is 5 and incapable of changing unless her environment does (you, discipline, rules). I'd suggest finding a psychologist to help you, as there are many issues you obviously need to deal with and it's hard to know where or how to start.

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Pearlie - posted on 03/23/2014

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Im new to this and have a question this is my second pregnancy my last was a still born im 12 weeks as of today and my baby is 10cm long should I be worried in anyway please help nervous and freaking out

Tootie - posted on 10/01/2010

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Honestly, when we talked to her Dr, he suggested that she mite have adhd but hhe would recomend me see a therapist. He said that was possibly it but wanted to focus on us more and thats when it became it was just my fault and the ADHD thought kind of dissapeared and I haden't thought about it again. Maybe I will bring it up again.

Angy - posted on 09/30/2010

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Ok before I get yelled at I am NOT a big fan of medicating kids etc but I have done daycare for 6 years. My nephew acted exactly like you say for your daughter. In the end he was found to have adhd. he could not control himself. I am not saying she has it or needs medicine but have you talked to her dr to have her tested to see if there is a medical reason?

Tootie - posted on 09/30/2010

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Thank you for understanding EXACTLY what it is I'm dealing with. And it's crazy to hear someone say the way I feel out loud. Your so right about the loving them but inspite of it. And we turned out VERY diffrent from most kids and in a good way, for the most part. And I have a problem with raising her like that because i always say we weren't aloud to be kids but thats all i know and i've tried it the "normal"way..time outs, standing in the corner for 3 or 4 mins depending on her age. Getting on my knees and explaining. You know, all the things our parents didn't do to us. It was automaticaly in trouble. My daughter hasen't gotten a whoopin in a year. I stopped "poppin" her and started talking to her and she laughs. I feel as if she feels like I'm not seriouse but i don't know any other way to be but stern. I don't know how to have a happy medium- And I've totaly been willing to learn new teqnices, Thats why I'm here. It's nice for someone to realy understand what this is about. Not just me being an Evil Person.

Amalea - posted on 09/30/2010

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First off, saying your 5 year old will be a Maury guest is ridiculous. Shes 5, not 15. You have no idea how she will be as an adult at 5! I really think you should reevaluate your ideals on parenting, its time to upgrade dear. Having your kids fear you will make them hate you later on. you cant be afraid of something AND love it. now Im not saying be a pushover and a friend, but back off alittle on the 'drill sargeant' parenting. That whole 'seen and not heard' whats gonna happen if someone tries to hurt your kid? Theyll be too afraid to speak up for themselves bc uve taught them to not defend themselves. Talking back is not encouraged in my house, but you need to let them have some independence. Theyre children, not miniature adults, not 'little soldiers'.

Marcy - posted on 09/29/2010

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Changing the way we parent is a lot like dieting...the first few days are great and we are all gung ho about our new way of parenting. We lose a few pounds....things are going well and then we lose the motivation to continue because its so hard. Its when you stick it out for the long haul and realize that this new way of thinking is really working that you see the results of your efforts. Good luck....

Tootie - posted on 09/29/2010

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I realize it's not working for her and i've questioned a lot of parents and diffrent tecniqes. Iunderstand there IS a diffrence and i've read the pamphlettes and I've gone to the therapist to learn diffrent ways because again, The ONLY Way I know isn't working. I appreciate ur input and I realy am taking all of this in. The comments that are truley trying to help. Thank You.

Tootie - posted on 09/29/2010

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Post another commentI thank you for ur input and not going about it in a way as to attack me. Your right, I understand I've lost controle but i'm not sure when it was lost. This is what I've been trying, Time outs more often and standing in the corner and also going to her room. My children rarely do things that they get in REAL Trouble for, they are good kids and I think when they stopped getting in trouble then it became a problem. but again, I thank you for your opinion.

Tootie - posted on 09/29/2010

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I some what agree and disagree. My oldest LOVES me and was raised the same way, with no problems, a straight a student,envolved in the communitee and is a respectable child. She still gets in trouble for REGULAR Child things but she knows the consequences that her father and i have put into place. My children are Regular kids who play and get dirty and have fun in life, they just know what we expect. I and my brother were raised to fear but we also know that our parents wasen't gone stear us wrong and that we were and still are loved. I Fear my mother, I know i will never talk back to her, or dissrespect her because even as an adult she is still my mother. And we are BESTFRIENDS. I do realize that maybe my parents methods weren't the best but my brother is a MAN, A Respectable man who has served his country and we both graduated and are respected by EVERYONE that comes in contact with us. We Respect peoples feelings and thoughts and I don't see anything wrong with my ways. I do see that the children in this day and age are diffrent from the way I Was Raised and I need to go about things in a diffrent way because she isn't me I just need to figure out another way to go. So I appreciate what your thoughts are because this is what I asked for..Real feed back but not to be attacked because you don't understand my ways.

Tanya - posted on 09/29/2010

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WOW! Maybe you should get over some of that children should be seen and not heard. This sounds like a cry for attention. I feel sorry for your kids.

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