I still hurt over the loss of my children

Connie M - posted on 06/14/2014 ( no moms have responded yet )




I lost my only daughter on my birthday 1/19/2002. I was 38 weeks pregnant. She was a still born. I had headaches a few days and on the night of 1/19/2002 I went to the hospital because of these headaches. The nurse put the monitor on my stomach and there was no heartbeat. She told me the monitor was broke. Another nurse came in and put the monitor on my stomach, still no heartbeat. I began to panic. All of a sudden I knew something was wrong. The doctor came in with the ultrasound machine. I remember seeing this image clear as the day. There was no moment. It was as she was in space. Everything was still. The doctor then said your baby dies not have a heartbeat. I heard him but I still didn't understand what that meant. As the doctor left out if the room, I turned to my hubby and I asked him what does that mean. My hubby gentle lay took my hand and said baby she's gone. I still couldn't believe it . He said bae she's nit breathing. That was the hardest thing to hear. I was in disbelief. This can't be true. She's fine. I just saw the doctor a few dats ago. I did everything right. A few hours later I was induced and I would have to naturally deliver my baby. I was so out of it. I was in so much emotionally pain. I prayed and asked God to wake her up. Labor was so long and hard. When I began pushing, I wanted to hear her cry. I was so quite, I just believed she would cry. The nurse came to me and said do your baby is not with us, do want to see her. I initially said no. She said I'll walk you through this. She brought her to me and I screamed so loud. I cried my heart out. I yelled for my daddy to make it all better. It was the toughest mist intense pain I've ever felt with in my life. I faulted myself. I should have known something was wrong with her. Heaven was do perfect. She was my twin. Full round light brown, thick Curley black hair, beautiful long fingers. Why dud my daughter have to go? I failed her ? God is not pleased with me? Are some of the questions I asked. I cried a lot. I was in so much pain. The pain was intense day and night. How could I let my only daughter down is the question I would always ask myself. I should have known was a constant song that played in my head. From that moment I stopped living. Trying to pull strength from my then 4 year old. I needed a reason to live and Kelsen gave me that. I thought of ending my life so many times. The pain was so severe that I didn't know how to go on. How can I live without her? How do I move from he death. I wanted her to live. I wanted to hear her voice. Just to her her laugh or cry. Oh God why..

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