I think I hate my stepson

[deleted account] ( 13 moms have responded )

For awhile at the beginning I thought it was me, I thought I hated all children expect my own, until I talked to a very close friend who knows my stepson very well also. As we began talking we realized we felt the same way, and in fact it wasn't us who hated children, there's just something off about this one.
At the beginning of my relationship with my husband I stayed away from being his parent, he isn't a bad kid, other than not being taught how to respectfully talk to someone or picking up behind him, but he's only six. At first you think he's shy and quiet and for the most part he is, but there's something about the look in his eyes sometimes. I don't trust him alone with my daughter for a second she's only 15 months old. I thought at first he might be jealous of her, because his father acts as hers too. He's the only father she knows, but I soon realized he seems to be jealous of my daughter with me? When I started to get my stepson during the day while he's father worked I noticed he would try to manipulate his father and I to fight to gain whatever it is I wouldn't let him have, and I had to have conversations with him about under minding in front of the stepson, but I almost feel like my daughter is in harm's way with him being here.
When she was learning how to walk she grabbed the chair he was sitting in to stand up, and he swears he didn't, but the chair moved enough to let her fall and bang her head against the leg of the chair, I usually don't panic but this landed us in the ER. My daughter hardly ever falls, and yes accidents do happen but this is a feeling I can't shake, and almost one I feel like I shouldn't ignore. I can't tell my husband I think his son is evil but IDK how to deal with this situation


♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/26/2013




I agree with all of the other ladies here.

1) You are describing a normal 6 year old.
2) 6 year olds are not evil. They do not understand the art of deception (purposely throwing his parents past relationship in your face...LOL...He's not purposely "throwing it in your face", he's telling you what his life used to be like) They cannot "plan" to lie about anything at that age
3) By imposing extra limits on him AFTER he's followed your instructions, you ARE being unfair. If you want to impose limits do it at the very beginning of the activity in question, not in the middle. He followed your instructions, only to have you change them. That is confusing to him
4) If you are married to his father, you need to get yourself some counseling to learn how to adjust to a blended family. Relationships are NOT instant. You are coming into the picture as a stranger to this child, and on top of that bringing another child with you. You expect him to behave on an adult level at the age of 6, and immediately understand the situation and what's expected of him. NOT fair to him.

I agree with the rest. If you truly "hate" this child, and think he's "evil", get out of his life now.

Jodi - posted on 09/26/2013




Sorry, but he still sounds like a normal little boy. It also sounds like you are out to find fault with him whatever chance you can get.

Let's look at the ball scenario:
1. You told him he could choose something. You didn't put limits on it except that it may be one thing only. Then, when he chose his one thing, you told him no, pick something else. That's all he knows. He doesn't care why. You TOLD him he could choose one thing. If you wanted to set limits, you needed to spell that out first.
2. BECAUSE all he cared about was that you told him he could have one thing and told him no, of course that's what he told his daddy. There was no way a 6 year old was going to then go on to say why. What he knows is that you told him something and then said no.
3. The problem is between you and your husband. If you feel you need to defend yourself to your husband, that is a problem. And the boy knows it. He knows he can get what he wants from daddy. You and daddy need to talk. This doesn't make the child evil. It is actually quite normal for ANY child (step or biological).

The fact is, kids this age don't understand context. They are extremely literal. He isn't telling his dad anything out of context. He is telling his dad in HIS context, it just isn't your intended context.

If I can just address this for a moment: "I encourage him to come and engage in whatever me and my daughter are doing."

So in order to engage with you and spend time with you, he must engage in whatever you are doing with your daughter? When was the last time you and your daughter engaged in whatever activity he wanted to do? Or for that matter, when was the last time you spent time doing and activity just he and you, no daughter?

Rachel - posted on 09/26/2013




Is he killing small animals? Hurting animals? Saying dark things like "I want to eat you for dinner" and that kind of stuff? If no, he's not evil. He's being a 6 year old child. He's living between two homes correct? Well, that isn't easy for kids and they don't always understand it.
He may be jealous of your child because she's getting some of you and your husbands attention. That's normal.
It's really sad that you hate him and think he's evil. He's only 6.

Jodi - posted on 09/25/2013




I must say, I question the word "hate" too. I am in my 40s and I can't say I have ever "hated" anyone. Disliked maybe, but not hated. I am concerned that you feel this way about a 6 year old. And for that matter, I am concerned that you are clearly only in a new relationship (your daughter to another man is only 15 months old, so this is only a new relationship). You talk about it as if you have been around forever, but in fact, you haven't. This is STILL the beginning of your relationship. As a step-parent myself, it actually took years for my step-children and I to establish the close relationship we have now. My step-son was only 2 when I came into the picture (12 years ago), and I still had to work hard to establish a bond with him. It appears you were expecting this as a given with your step-child, and it simply doesn't happen this way. YOU have to do a LOT of work!!

These children are put in a position of having to share their parents, uproot their lives, take on new relationships, and they have NO CHOICE in any of it. We, as step-parents have to be far more understanding of how this changing households, accepting new people, having new kids around, etc, affects these kids. Look at all these changes through his eyes.

Do this child a favour. If you hate him this much, and you can't find it in your heart to realise that there is probably a hurt little boy in there somewhere, and you think he is evil, get out of his life.

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Alison - posted on 09/26/2013




I don't think he's evil, but there's no reason you have to leave your daughter alone with him if you don't think that's safe. I've heard of a lot worse things that siblings do to younger siblings and the mother at that age though. Jealousy, acting out, trying to manipulate adults to get what you want...all normal. For a kid going through huge life changes--very, very normal.

Make sure he gets extra attention--time alone with dad, time alone with both of you without your daughter etc. Also, make sure you and his father are on the same page following similar rules/discipline methods.

#1: don't take things personally; my kids (5 and 4) have said they hate me and their father too many times to count. We know they don't mean it; they're just angry and don't know how to control their feelings yet.

Valerie - posted on 09/26/2013




wow are you sure your not the one who is jealous of your husband having a child before you married him?? He is six for crying out loud. You need to explain to him his sister is a baby. Not all young children know how to act with younger children.

Dove - posted on 09/26/2013




Rachel... I know that's not exactly funny, but the 'I want to eat you for dinner' line made me chuckle....

Jana - posted on 09/25/2013




I think that if you can't except his child then you should go! It's very hard on the kids when the parents are not together ! I don't thing that any of you need more drama! As a parent I have a big problem that you can hate a 6 years old kid ! Not cool :(

Michelle - posted on 09/25/2013




I think you and your husband need to sit down and discuss the parenting decisions for the household. If you are on different pages then the children will know and "play" the 2 of you off against each other. Set firm outlines of if 1 parent makes a decision then the other will back them up, even if they aren't there.
The problem is between the 2 of you, not with your stepson. He's just doing what a normal child would do if 1 parent is more lenient than the other. In this case it's his Father.

Dove - posted on 09/25/2013




He still sounds normal. The issue is between you and your husband and both of you realizing what he is doing in trying to get the two of you against each other... and don't let him. That is between you and your husband though and not the fault of your stepson for behaving like a normal child. Your daughter may very well do the same thing when she gets older if the two adults in her life don't figure this out and learn how to deal w/ it. Will you hate her and think she is evil too?

[deleted account]

I realize how ridiculous I sound, I truly do. But he just acts in a very different way then other little kids. He goes out of his way to try and hurt me when his father isn't around, by throwing his parents past relationship in my face, it's not in an innocent tone either, he watches me when he thinks I can't see him, and when he does I encourage him to come and engage in whatever me and my daughter are doing. I treat both children fairly, and I sat down and explained we don't favor my daughter over him, she's just smaller and needs more help. He tries to tell his father things out of context to get him upset at me, like one day he asked me for crayons, so I took him and my daughter to the drug store to pick up milk and whatever and like all kids he wanted everything, so I explained to him he can pick one thing but only the one, he wanted a bouncy ball and I told him no because if the baby gets a hold of it, she could choke or if our pets get it they could get hurt too. So he picked a truck. Later he tells his father of this awesome toy he really wanted and his father asked, why didn't you get it he says well SHE wouldn't let me, but I know you woulda right, and his father looks at me as if I starve and beat the kid and I was forced to defend myself for being a logical parent, this was just the tip of the ice berg but it's an example. Still. I know I may be wrong, but I don't act out because of these feelings, I vent here to let it out

Dove - posted on 09/25/2013




How can you hate a SIX YEAR OLD?! Any 6 year old..... :(

Maybe he is picking up on your 'vibes' and simply wants you to love him, but he's 6... so obviously will not have a logical and mature way to go about it.

If you truly feel this way about a child I think it would be in his best interest if you got out of his life. He sounds like a perfectly normal kid to me. He needs love, discipline, guidance, consistency, and supervision. Same as any 6 year old.

Perhaps getting some counseling and sitting down with your husband and deciding on some ground rules and consequences might be a little less drastic than leaving your marriage, but if you can not find a way to get past hating him and thinking he is evil... please do the boy a favor and get out of his life.

Rebekah - posted on 09/25/2013




Other than the incident with the chair and your daughter falling--which, yes, could have been accidental, you don't have proof otherwise-- you need to give other examples that support this response you have to him. I don't get "evil" from what you shared.

Sibling jealousy is normal, blended family or not. Plus he has the added stress of two households and the adjustment of the new family arrangement. I don't know how long his parents have been apart, but who knows what kinds of feelings he may be dealing with over that, or what's going on at mom's house for that matter. Sure, he may be angry or resentful or jealous or sad... and if so, it may come out in unpleasant ways. But know that those feelings are normal and he may need help to deal with it. Kids manipulating their parents to get what they want is typical too (not to be ignored, mind you, but not out of the ordinary). Work with your husband to be a united front and set limits with him like you would any other child.

Hate is a strong word, as is calling someone "evil." If you are looking for advice, mine would be to spend time with him and get to know him as best you can. If he is harboring bad feelings, try to take his point of view and help him to cope with whatever it is that is troubling him. Yes, still be mindful of your daughter...if you are concerned about him being alone with her, then don't do it. He is only 6. I wouldn't expect you to leave him alone with her for long anyway...most 6 year olds can be impulsive and not focused on safety like we are, as parents. But in the meantime, try to ditch the labels and find out what's going on with him and build a relationship.

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