I think I may have gottien into the wrong group my problem is with an older child well 5 older children who seem to treat their old mother pretty badly so many times I have just thought of letting go finishing my life I cant take it any more so dont think any one can help me this time its with my youngest my son again he is 34 and he thinks he knows it all and takes things out on me he is getting married and said some horrid things to me I dont want to go to his wedding I know I will have regrets but what is weighing on me is too great I dont want to chance being hurt again I cant take it

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/06/2014

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Um, I'm sorry, but it sounds as if you want to be overbearingly involved in your adult children's personal affairs.

I mean, you shopped with future DIL, and she didn't acknowledge it EXCEPT TO SAY THANK YOU...My dear, that IS acknowledgement! YOU WERE THANKED! Your son even took a moment to pen a note of thanks as well, and yet you don't think that was acknowledgement enough? What did you want? Groveling at your feet, genuflecting maybe?

Sounds to me as if you have tried to control your adult children, to the point that they aren't putting up with it. It doesn't sound as if they are ungrateful wretches, nor that they really treat you that badly (except to tell you to back off when you overstep...). You admit that you don't like your son's choice in women, that you think she's sucking him dry...Did you stop to consider that they have already discussed this, and determined that she will be a stay at home wife and mother to their future children?

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Linda - posted on 08/06/2014

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do unto others as you would have them do unto you I am always gracious to this girl always

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/06/2014

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I actually feel somewhat sorry for the girl...She can probably feel the hatred of her future sisters in law, and gets the "I'm here, but I am not enjoying it" vibe from her soon to be mother in law...

She probably agonizes and stresses over it too. Its tough when you know there's an 'inner circle' that you'll never be in, simply because you weren't born to it, and you chose to marry in. Thank God my inlaws are all a very loving, welcoming family!

Dove - posted on 08/06/2014

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I sure don't know much about being elderly... but I know a LOT about being disabled... and raising kids w/ an absent father.

And I have an amazing mother.

That's all I'm going to say. It's obvious that you are very bitter and I can't do anything about that other than wish you luck.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/06/2014

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Wow. You have a lot of hurt, and bitterness over this woman that your son is marrying that you don't like!

A few things to keep in mind: She’s not you, nor is she any of your daughters. Therefore, her reactions are going to be different. Where one person may squeal, jump around and very vocally express appreciation for each and every gift, others will not. As a matter of fact, when I open gifts, I’m fairly quiet, even if it was my ‘hearts desire’ in the box…I say thank you to the gifter, and I quietly move on. I don’t jump around like a giddy schoolgirl just because I was given a gift to open.

On one hand, you say she's great, you love her, on the other, you admit that you aren't happy that your son chose her for a relationship. I have a feeling that your martyred feelings are coming through in your behaviour, no matter how hard you try to 'suck it up'. You've mentioned so many times about your other daughter who inconvenienced herself to visit your son and future DIL...I bet you never let your son hear the end of that either "Your sister dropped everything and brought the baby just to visit her brother"... or something of the like.

I'm not trying to be mean, or make you feel bad, but sweetie, your kids are grown. So are mine. I don't interfere with my eldest's choices in life, unless he asks my advice, and then we usually argue, he gets heated, he ends the conversation, he calls back and apologizes, and we continue. I don't push it, if he says 'enough', then that's where it's left. I don't criticize the women he wishes to hang out with (I will say that he has EXCELLENT taste, chooses to date young women that care for themselves, and have self esteem, so no trashy broads are brought around, but if he chose to date someone like that, it would be his choice)

You're complaining about petty things, in the grand scheme.

As far as me needing my kids to help me when I'm older...That will happen. Because that is how we've raised them. We take care of family. ALL family. I have been a live in caregiver for my elderly grandparents prior to their deaths, rotating with my aunt, my dad, my husband & my cousin. I currently accompany my mother & stepfather to their medical appointments. I'd do more for them, but they're still very self sufficient. My husband and I care for his mother, take her to all of her medical appointments, do her yardwork, etc, and she lives 3 hours away. I'm not put out about it, I want to do it.

I want to do it, because my grandmothers both showed me that family takes care of family. My mother continued that, as have I & my husband. However, my husband's sister & her husband don't think that they need to be there for her mom. Different kids, same parent. Neither of my brothers is inclined to be involved in the elder care at this point. Again, different kids, same parent…Different mannerisms.

I've seen kids that act as yours do...They're usually the ones who's parent(s) tried to make their lives 'great' so as not to miss the absent parent...but somewhere along the line didn't show their kids how to really treat others. No fault to you, because it's not easy to be that single parent making sure the kids have what they need, are healthy, happy, and cared for all the while making sure that all of the bills are paid and chores are done. And,. while you may have shown them how you preferred them to be as adults, somewhere along the line, they developed into a different person than you expected.

You did a great job of getting them to adulthood. You just need to understand that not every adult acts as we wish them to, nor do they all exhibit the qualities we'd like to see. So, maybe your son & daughter in law aren't the best choice for your elder care. It does sound like you have other kids that would be happier to help you.

Linda - posted on 08/06/2014

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listen ? that's funny she dosnet talk my girls have commented on that to we engaged her in simple kind conversation that last about two minutes I have tried talking to my son about the way he talks to me and in a proper was side by side calmly he gets it but then does is again this wedding thing is draining me I am sure he is anxious but I cant control that so as I said the only thing I can do is just walk away I live alone I eat alone I eat alone I am so used to it when I go there invited only I am gracious something she might learn my son just busys himself cooking I just sit there if I offer to help no no just enjoy yourself they are on their hand held devices the rest of the time I would rather come home

Linda - posted on 08/06/2014

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wow that was just mean and not being an older mother or a mother in law u don't know what you are talking about and u don't read very well either remember some day u too will be a mother in law and I don't get into my kids lives don't want to but when they bring something to my door and turn it nasty that hurts I never been anything but kind to this girl even when they first met I welcomed her to my home and never said a word when they slept here their buisiness their lives and by the way she was cheating on her boy friend who happened to be my sons friend ,, I just sucked it up and said nothing not my problem and when she moved to another city with him again I let them both come here when they wanted to see friends etc when he got offered a fabulous job she said no and made him move back to home town , said nothing , luckily he found another really fabulous job because he has a brain and she did nothing he had to travel a lot in dangerous driving she complained I worried but again kept it zipped not my business until u really know the truth don't judge I bend over backwards to please her stay away . go when I am invited even if I feel uncomfortable I have learned over my many years to suck it up but when I get blasted for something very trivial and offer to do something the mother or the groom should be doing then I feel very very hurt and that's what I was trying to express I raise smart good hardworking kids did it alone no advice no doctor Phil didn't have time for relationships I was too busy working and make their lives as perfect as possible in a father absent home and no support no man should or want to take on someone elses kids but hey thanks for your kindness to a elderly sick lady and I sincerely mean that u must have a bitch for a mother

Linda - posted on 08/06/2014

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no control here I do everything my self I don't care what they do not my business but I don't like rude comments from a grown son who I care so much for and want him to be happy you are not reading what is being said a lot of other people wish, I was their mother

Linda - posted on 08/06/2014

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I don't know why they do this now perhaps because I am getting old and in the way that's my feelings, so I don't bother them I find it works better I try to manage on my own even getting groceries and manage to carry into house with a cane for assistance I have never asked for help only a drive to hospital for a very serious surgery you make me out to be the villain here wait till u are in a position of being elderly alone and have problems u have to hide , we all get old . maybe I am better out of the way

Linda - posted on 08/06/2014

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we didn't shop she `they ` registered at stores for what they wanted knowing my son returns things he dosnent want I purchased only things from their list not like others especially her family I spent a lot as said my daughter said I spent too much on them the only reason is she didn't have a big shower or showerssssssssss as my daughters so I wanted her to have a lot or most of the things she loved when she opened them she said nothing only oh the canister set I wanted she sent a store bought card not a problem and wrote thankyou on it my son added a note as he was over joyed that I and one of my 4 daughters who insidently came from a long way away with her infant to go to this to shower how much we love and want her what more can I say to express how we feel as a family we were only too happy to do it , her MOTHER and her friend commented on the gifts and I didn't do it for any other reason than making her happy and look like she got a lot of gifts since none of her ,,, friends showed up He commented that he didn't want people to buy gifts they want money gifts

Dove - posted on 08/06/2014

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Good luck Shawnn.... lol I'm about to just start throwing bricks at all the dense posters.

Linda - posted on 08/06/2014

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not correct I have bent over backwards to show her that I care about her even his sisters feel she is rude and lazy I say nothing about it this is his choice and if she makes him happy that is all that matters. The nicer I am to her the worse it gets she is trying to make some sort of point I get it she points out he is hers all hers and that's ok by me I had him long enough. When he said his back yard in his new home is small I said I think its lovely and you have enough room for a child he got mad later at that he said I am putting pressure on them so I stopped speaking of children grandchildren or anything like that in case there is a problem and yet her brother just had his second boy one of 5 grandboys in her family and stated ok now its up to u 2 to have the girl . He her brother, was the one who pressured them about getting married saying rude comments I stayed out of it I am telling the truth all I want is for everyone to be happy if it takes me staying away I will. My son told me and of course I just smiled there is no point in saying anything it just hits me in the face . As for her saying anything more than thanking me if u got everything u wanted would u not be pleased and say something in front of these people ,,, her mother did. Her mother treats me nicer. When my daughter opened her gifts she was just a wonderful person to each guest I was so proud of her and she made such a fuss over her gifts and the fact that I had even made her a beautiful satin wrap for her dressing on her wedding day. I don't get it everyone is different but I try so hard to please her she got mad when they were moving in to their home I live nearby my son asked me to be there to help and remember I am older and ill but I went anyway she was miffed that I was there and treated me with distain ignored me looked over me no eye contact no talking so I did what I had to washed some dishes and quietly left there was no point in continuing. days later she told my son what she did was awful and he apologized for her wouldn't it be nice if she said I am sorry to me I just left it at that . He also gave me a key to their house for emergency she was mad I told her when she came for dinner here is where your key is hanging in emergency honey I would never think of using it and invade your space she just said ok

Dove - posted on 08/06/2014

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Maybe he's smarter than you give him credit for and he can tell that you don't like the woman he is marrying. She said 'thank you'... and that wasn't enough for you? What was she supposed to do?

I don't have adult children... but I AM an adult child... and it sounds to me like you might be a bit overbearing and trying to make everyone happy and give, give, give will make them happy... but life doesn't work like that. I'm sorry I don't have any 'real' advice for you because I do not know your son or his fiance and the way they think. Only THEY know that... and maybe if you sat down w/ them and really listened... you might understand.

Good luck!

Linda - posted on 08/06/2014

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no I stay out ot it this is his life his choices and he has to live with what he decdides this girl is 31 and she dosnent even have a job she just sucks it from him I say NOTHING I try so hard to be nice to her and she is so rude I traveled to her home town with my youngest daughter and her infant and I spent a lot of money on her and go exactly what she had on her request list from two stores she never even said anything other than thankyou. my son wrote on the thankyou card thanks so much mom for coming and supporting us none of their friends went it was just me two daughters and her family I was shocked where were her friends and where was the other wedding party wife I dunno strange to me my daughter said I spent too much on her , I want them to be happy and have everything whats wrong with me.

Linda - posted on 08/06/2014

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he started after he met this girl and I just went along with it I try to keep the peace I say nothing my counselor said I need to speak up when I do it causes more conflict

Dove - posted on 08/06/2014

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And at 34 I have to wonder about your 'he thinks he knows it all' comment... since it is his life. Are you trying to tell him what to do?

Dove - posted on 08/06/2014

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Why are you letting your adult children treat you badly? Have they always treated you badly or did it just start when they became adults?

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