I think my husband is verbally abusive

[deleted account] ( 9 moms have responded )

I'll try to make this quick. My husband is a neat freak and is verbally abusive when he gets angry. My parents never taught my sister and I to do chores but when we were teens we would help our mother with laundry and cooking duties. And I went through a phase when I had to clean my room spotlessly every weekend for myself (I have a bit of OCD). I hated doing dishes tho, and still do. And lets just say my husband comes from a family who do the dishes immediately after every meal, breakfast, lunch or supper. His mother and sister also have a maid who comes around every week to do the floors, vacumming (spell, crap i forgot) and mopping etc. As soon as we moved in together the problems started, I had never cleaned a toilet before, and I was doing it wrong. The way I did dishes was wrong and I was leaving them to stand too long. I didn't clean the tiled walls in the bathroom properly etc. He eventually started to watch me and point my mistakes out, which usually ended in a fight. We are both strong, stubborn personalities but I am more laid back and relaxed. I also suffer from anxiety and tend to build walls to stop myself feeling and getting too anxious. I will also say that I started getting depressed in my teens and it's escalated to this day, affecting my memory quite badly. So I often forget what he told me to do, or I forget to "behave and do what I'm, supposed to be doing" and it results in him telling me I'm just ignoring him, being lazy etc. Especially as sometimes I only do what I'm supposed to (putting things away, not leaving clothes or dishes lying around etc) for two weeks or so and then I'm back to my old ways. We have now recently moved into a new home and have a nine month old daughter. He knows I suffer from depression and am now on medication. That hasn't really helped me except that I'm not also thinking suicidal thoughts anymore every time we have a fight. Just after we moved in we got a maid in one day who talked more than she cleaned, and took half a day to clean out or new empty kitchen cupboards and the bathroom, by the time it was 4 pm i just wanted her gone. I'd unpacked a lot of boxes and they stood outside ready when for when the dustbin men came. I took her to the nearest station and got home. My husband then came home with our baby and saw all the work I'd done. However he flew into a massive rage because one of the kitchen counters was full of crap and I hadn't cleared it and he needed to study from his internship on it - but he hadn't told me that. He smacked a microwave cover on the counter and told me I was fucked-up, lazy, and my parents did a fucked-up job of raising me. I was also a stupid bitch and if anything doesn't change soon he's leaving and taking my daughter away from me (because when he tells them how I behave at home and how lazy I am he will get the child). He's threatend to leave me a few times because I'm a lazy bitch. He does call me stupid every now and then - in a joking way - my opinions are air-headed and I don't sound intelligent. He does also say he loves me tho and I'm pretty etc. Just recently the verbal abuse is getting worse, and all of it is just over the cleaning. If I step out of line and forget something I'm in trouble. I put out the ironing machine this morning to iron my work clothes - I work from 7 (by choice because If I started later I end work later) to 4, sometimes I have to stay till 5, or 6, and I've been up since 5am.
ANYWAYS, I left the iron out because I saw his shirt folded and thought he still needed to iron his clothes, but I got called back for leaving it out because I was too lazy to put it back, even though I told him I thought he still needed it - But according to him I didn't ASK him first.

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Michelle - posted on 01/02/2014

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You are his wife not his slave, if you want you daughter to grow up thinking that's the way a man should treat his wife then stay but ask yourself this: What would you say to your daughter if her husband was treating her like that?
I bet you would be telling her to get out anyway she can.
He is abusive, no one has the right to call another person "stupid", "useless", "fucked-up".
He won't change though, it sounds like his mother was "superwoman" and did everything for the whole family perfectly and he just stood by and watched because I bet you he didn't lift a finger to help.
Have a look at his parents relationship so you can get an idea of how he was brought up.
You really don't need to be around an asshole (sorry for the bluntness) like that. He deserves to be alone for the rest of his life if he is going to treat others like that.

Jodi - posted on 01/02/2014

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Yes, that is how abusers work. That's why women stay with them - because every now and then they are nice to you. He is abusive and controlling. When you have to step on eggshells for fear of being yelled at or called names, you are being abused.

Jodi - posted on 01/02/2014

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Yes, your husband is abusive. I would easily have told my husband he can blooody well do it himself by now. There is no way you have to put up with that abuse, and it isn't acceptable for him to be speaking to you in that manner or putting you down. Honestly, your husband says you don't "behave"? What is he, your father? How rude, obnoxious and abusive. You are his equal. He should be treating you as one. What you have described is not that, it is controlling and abusive. It won't get better. By all means, you can try counselling together, but he sounds like he thinks he is right, and no amount of counselling will change that. You don't want your daughter growing up believing that it is ok to be treated like this.

Casey - posted on 01/02/2014

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That caring and niceness is called the HONEYMOON phase...... your husband is abusive & if he wants a spotless house etc with a 9 month very active baby maybe he needs to hire a maid like his mom & sister or a sitter to come & babysit so you can clean to his liking..... the audacity of men..

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Amanda - posted on 01/02/2014

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and P.S. I'm a nurse - don't let him fool you into thinking your c-section or gall bladder were I'm any way your fault.
I did everything I could do correctly firing my pregnancy and my body decided to hemorrhage, ending up with placenta accreta, post partum hemorrhage, emergency post partum hysterectomy, on the ventilator, spinal headache and a brain bleed.
IT HAPPENS for reasons we have no control over, even if you do everything right and the medical staff dies everything preventative they can. if the human body was predictable like a robot, medicine would be computer science.
HE JUST USED the birth as another reason to take a jab at you and make you feel like you have lower self esteem so you will bow down to him.

I cannot WAIT until you leave!! YOU CAN!! take that beautiful girl and free yourselves!

Amanda - posted on 01/02/2014

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the cycle of "but he's so nice" - you're making excuses. I'm not trying to be mean to you, but it doesn't matter how nice he acts sometimes.
what matters is how UNACCEPTABLY he acts when he rages at you. if you wouldn't want some man yelling at your little girl that way, after she just did the best she could do with the time she had - then don't lower yourself to it. get the F out and get out now. if it's escalating to verbal abuse now, what excuse will you have if he hits you? he said you were pretty yesterday, and he apologized after?

no man who really loves a woman would say or do things like that to her, period. no excuses.
YOU deserve MORE. you're a smart, working mother! someone else will be lucky to have what he's not appreciating!!

[deleted account]

But sometimes he can be so caring and nice, and it's confusing, we chat over email at work and it's like two different people. Immediately after he rages he says he can't help it, it just comes out. So confusing!

Ashley - posted on 01/02/2014

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Abuse is abuse regardless!!! I was in an abusive relationship for almost 7 years. It started out verbal then led into physical!! Please don't stick around for that. Take your daughter and leave. It's not good for nor her to be around it!!!

[deleted account]

So much for making it quick, anyways he also joking tells me and his friends that my daughter is his alone and I'm just the vending machine she came out of. In a joke of course. He constantly calls me lazy and truth be told I'm exhausted. Our daughter sleeps in her bed because he's paranoid that something will happen to her if she sleeps in another room. It's making us both tired, especially now that she's bigger and spreading herself out :). And honestly I just can't face doing anything, I just want to sleep. I now this makes me look bad, but I've also been forgetting to take my anti-depression tablets. I also have to take iron tablets as I suffer from aneamia which also makes me lethargic. AND when we moved into the house I caught a chest infection and was ill for over a week. I've started to dread him calling me because I know I did something wrong, and it always is something I did wrong, packed something away that wasn't supposed to be there ect. I'm trying to decide whether to leave him or not. I know he might be edgier because he and fifty other ppl are being retrenched. He's also brilliant at winning arguments and I'm never right, he always wins, especially as his memory is better then mine. I know he's not perfect but when he makes a mistake he just laughs about it, if I point something out to him that he crapped me out about that he did wrong, he goes into a whole fight and tells me EVERYTHING i've done wrong in the last two weeks. The laziness always come up. When I had my baby girl we had to do a ceaserain because they had to take my gall bladder out as well, they did both on the same day and it was very traumatic, especially coming out of the anesthetic, I felt like I couldn't breath, and the nurse just kept telling me to relax. Thanks, I'll just die here quielt while you struggle with my drip. I was sooo disappointed in the whole birth. I didn't get to spend any chest time with my baby girl because I was being operated on, and I was so groggy the first night. It was horrible. I also wanted natural birth :(. My husband told me it was my own fault because I didn't drink enough water during the pregnancy. :'(

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