I wanna stop my ex cing my babt

Clare - posted on 05/12/2015 ( 15 moms have responded )

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my ex left when I was 8mths pregnant, he has been in trouble with police 4 small offences, he was at the birth n has seen her 5tinef n she is 31mths, his name is not on bc, anyway I dont want him involved in ny daughters life

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Jodi - posted on 05/12/2015

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Firstly, the word is "seeing". Please, it took me a while to figure out what the heck you were trying to say.

With regard to the baby, you don't get to dictate whether he sees the baby or not. He has rights. He could take you to court any time to exercise them. If you have been denying him visitation and not doing anything about establishing custody and visitation legally (like talking to a lawyer), he could claim parental alienation.

You should file for custody, establish visitation (which he will get if he wants it, unless you can prove he is a danger to the child) and file for child support. This way, you will be protecting your interests, his interests AND the interests of the child.

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Ev - posted on 05/15/2015

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Aleksandra--Yes, a lot of men would be shocked if they find out they are to be a father and had not planned on it. So do a lot of moms. But the facts remain that if he has the chance to have a relationship with his child then he should have it. It is up to him to maintain that relationship. Also, here in the states, if a man is a father of a child no matter what the situation is; he does have the right to get visitation etc so he can parent his child. A lot of men do stay away for a number of months or years or are sporadic in their visits with the children. But there are just as many mothers out there that do the same thing and I do not care what country anyone is from. As you said in your post a child is not something you put away and pull out when you want to do something with the child...its the same with withholding the child from a parent--its like two kids fighting over a toy and the other child is dangling it out of reach because he or she is bound and determined to keep the toy away much like the one parent wants to keep the other parent away.

Dove - posted on 05/15/2015

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Aleksandra... it doesn't matter what you agree with or what you like. Unless the OP also lives in Europe... your opinion on what 'should' happen is 100% irrelevant. Now... I don't know if the OP lives in the US or not, but I know I do and Jodi, who has also responded, lives in Australia... and we are telling the OP the way it is... in at least those two countries. And the fact that the OP's ex has seen the child 5 times in 31 months means that he is 'somewhat' involved already... plenty enough to get visitation rights if he goes to court. That's just a fact (in a lot of countries) and you can't change facts.

Aleksandra - posted on 05/15/2015

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Dear Evelyn,

I see your point of view but can't really agree with it. So let me also quote your answers to my post:
"{{Again this may not be wrong in the fact he left, but its the wrong attitude. How would you handle it if you left your child with the father and he refused to let you have a relationship with the child after several months or years?}} As a mother i would never abandon my child to come back after a few years and totally mix in his/her life. A kid is not a toy that you put to the wardrobe when do not wanna play and after few months you dust it off because you decided it's not such a boring thing.
So if i give my child up for adoption but after years i decide i want it back, should i knock the adoptive parents' door??? If you are a parent you are there every day, not when emotionally ready and not too busy with personal life to show up. But that's just my opinion.
{{He might not be immature but it is a shock to find out that you are to become a parent unexpectedly. It was immature to have sex with someone unprotected to prevent pregnancy in the first place.}} Ok, it was immature to have sex with someone unprotected, but the lady wasn't there alone...he was also there and he could have been careful when he sticks.....Both of them were irresponsible, but if it happened, take responsibility for the results of your actions. We are adults, not kids to run away when the music does not play like we want. You are saying he might not be immature but shocked... Why a man can be shocked but a woman has to stay with a belly 9 months and smile to everyone expecting the child? Then it's a great explanation for all the ladies doing abortion - ''sorry i regret but i was soooo shocked''. A woman cannot run out of the situaton when uncomfortable and men can cuz they're shocked??
A bit more support among women and the world would be different.

By the way, some other ladies mentioned men who come back after years and fight for their rights. Then i must apologize, cuz in Europe we have different regulations, and the guys who were not interested in the kid for years, if show up in the court then usually end up paying child support without any rights to the child.
Plus, ok, i might be repeating myself from other posts, but i have many adopted friends, and to be honest, they've been always asking about the bio mothers, never ever mentioned the bio father. Even if i talk to them about it, they admit they never wanted to find out who he was...what matters was the mother cuz she's the one they expected to be with them and raise them up.
I'm not saying a father is not important. I have a wonderful dad myself, and i can't imagine my childhood and my life without him. But he is a very supportive, responsible, loving, caring person who never disappeared even for a week from my life. THAT'S A FATHER!
I would never want a once-a-month or once-a-year father for my child, cuz this is an example he sets for the kids: ''you don't like some situation? run as far as possible! Never take responsibility for your actions and behave like a di*khead cuz you are allowed. You can always explain yourself you've been shocked''.

Dove - posted on 05/14/2015

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lol Well, since I got quoted i suppose I should mention that MY ex that left the day our third was born is about to see the kids for the first time in 2 years... and there isn't a darn thing I can do to stop it... if I would, which I wouldn't because my kids have a right to know their father and even though he's spent less than 3 months total w/ our youngest (who is 7 years old)... my kids LOVE their father... and this isn't about me... or him... or the OP... or her ex... it's about the innocent kids involved and THEY have a right to a relationship w/ both of their parents... period.

So shove it wacko.

Ev - posted on 05/14/2015

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Aleks--I had to quote a portion of your post as follows:
"I see you got kind of attacked in here. Don't worry, most fuckers who leave pregnant women do not make any effort to go to the court and fight for the child who they do not care about.{{That is where you are wrong. There are men out there that do come around and decide that they want to be a father to their children/child. They still have as much right to this child as the mother does. And they and they can take it to court to get the visitation of they want to.}}
And when i see someone saying '' It isn't your right to keep your child away from HER father just because you no longer like the man you created a child with...'' it makes me laugh. It's HIM who left and he had NO RIGHT to leave HIS baby!!!{{Again this may not be wrong in the fact he left, but its the wrong attitude. How would you handle it if you left your child with the father and he refused to let you have a relationship with the child after several months or years?}} How come LADIES try to put other LADIES down because of an immature fucker?{{He might not be immature but it is a shock to find out that you are to become a parent unexpectedly. It was immature to have sex with someone unprotected to prevent pregnancy in the first place.}}
My advice is, be concious and prepared he might appear one day at your door step but it doesn not mean a war between you two.{{I give you credit on that statement but it is not as easy as it sounds. All you can do is try to make it more peaceful.}} Enjoy day at a day without him, live as he does not exist and do not worry too much.{{I would love your explanation on how to tell a child why their father is not around. And kids will ask. You can not live like he never existed. He does! He helped create this child or children. Its like you are telling her that she does not have to tell anyone about that part of her life when in fact the child needs to know.}} If he appears THEN you will worry or maybe you will not have to because you guys will get along somehow for the good of the little princess."{{Again this is a good statement but in reality, things will not always work this way.))

Raye - posted on 05/14/2015

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Aleks, we weren't trying to attack her. There are many women who have had their children taken away from them by a father who showed up out of the blue. We just want her to protect herself and her child by doing things in such a way so she has legal standing to keep them... that means going to court.

Aleksandra - posted on 05/14/2015

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Clare,

I see you got kind of attacked in here. Don't worry, most fuckers who leave pregnant women do not make any effort to go to the court and fight for the child who they do not care about.
And when i see someone saying '' It isn't your right to keep your child away from HER father just because you no longer like the man you created a child with...'' it makes me laugh. It's HIM who left and he had NO RIGHT to leave HIS baby!!! How come LADIES try to put other LADIES down because of an immature fucker?
My advice is, be concious and prepared he might appear one day at your door step but it doesn not mean a war between you two. Enjoy day at a day without him, live as he does not exist and do not worry too much. If he appears THEN you will worry or maybe you will not have to because you guys will get along somehow for the good of the little princess.

I wish you good luck.

Ev - posted on 05/13/2015

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Good luck in that. He can and will exercise his rights to see the child if he chooses to do so.

Dove - posted on 05/13/2015

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All he needs is to go to court and petition for a paternity test... and he has rights. He WILL get visitation legally if he wants it. Even drug addicted abusers can get visitations (though likely supervised if there is solid evidence) w/ THEIR children. It isn't your right to keep your child away from HER father just because you no longer like the man you created a child with...

Raye - posted on 05/13/2015

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If the father chooses to take you to court, he can fight for his rights. You may live in a state that awards the mother primary residential custody if the father is not named on the BC, but that doesn't mean that you own the child, or that the father has no rights. He just has to take you to court to get paternity proven and to get visitation.

Jodi - posted on 05/12/2015

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No, I'm not actually. He can go to court and establish paternity any time he chooses and you wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

Why bother asking for advice if you think you know it all anyway?

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