I want a second child and my husband does not

Ashley - posted on 10/03/2012 ( 29 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been together for 6 years and we have been married for a little over two years. We have a two year old son. He was an unexpected addition to our lives, but has brought us joy. We have a great marriage and are best friends. Before we were married and when we starting dating; I always stated I wanted three children. My husband was always fine with this. Now that my son is two years old I would like to try for #2 within the next two years. All of the sudden my husband says he doesn't want any more kids. I was so hurt by this because all of the sudden he has changed his mind. We live in a two family house my parents own on the first floor (they just remodeled for us) and they live on the second floor. We both have good jobs and make good money. We get free child care when we need it from my parents and sisters who live upstairs. We have all of the equipment and clothes we need for #2; so the expense would be less. He says our son now is a lot of work and that babies are a lot of work. To me this is a selfish excuse. Everyone knows being a parent and taking care of children takes work. Also we had a wonderful baby who slept through the night at 2 months old (once in a while he would wake up until six months). I breastfed him so I always got up and I was always the one feeding him. I made all of his baby food from scratch. He is a happy toddler with a funny personality and is starting to talk and play more with us. He is healthy and we have been blessed. I can't help but have this burning desire to have another child. I can't picture my life without another child. I have more love to give and I want my son to have a sibling. If and when we die I want them to still have each other. I have two sisters and I want that same joy I had in my life for my son now. Also all we have and leave behind in this world is our children. I feel as though I will forever resent my husband for taking this away from me. I feel like he is being selfish and maybe wants more time for himself (he likes to play baseball, fantasy football and baseball, bowling and yadda yadda) and also maybe he is jealous of the time that has been taken away from him since the addition of our son. He says he doesn’t want another one because he is not the best father he could be. He works a lot of hours and he is not going to change that and he doesn’t see our son now. I feel like that is on him and things he can change if he feels like he is lacking as a father. I am so upset and feel like he is being very selfish. Maybe he doesn’t love me as much as I thought he did? I agreed to make a concession and have only two children and let him pick the timeline. He still refuses. I want another child with him. But this seems impossible. Every day it tears at me and I have never been so depressed and felt so cheated.

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Dove - posted on 10/03/2012

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If your desire to have a second child means more to you than raising the child you DO have in a stable, loving, two parent household.... You need counseling to find a way to get over it. I totally understand how you feel wanting another child, but if your desire to have a second child tears your marriage apart.... your child/ren will be the one/s to suffer 100%. That doesn't make your husband the selfish one.



Sorry this is harsh, but the child you have NOW deserves the best.... And that is two parents that love each other and would do anything for HIS well being. Do you think your son would rather have a baby sibling or a Daddy?

Gwen - posted on 10/05/2012

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It sounds to me like you are being the selfish one. The fact that you would even consider walking out on a "great marriage" with your "best friend" and ripping apart the stable life of your "wonderful baby" because you can't have your way sounds very self-centered to me. How in the world does divorcing your husband, uprooting your beloved son, and then quickly chasing down another man, purely for the fact that he will give you another baby, sound even remotely sensible?

Judith - posted on 10/03/2012

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If you want another child, either convince your husband that it's important to you or just get pregnant. Yeah, it's sneaky, but plenty of women get pregnant when the man doesn't want kids. Men will be men. It's up to you to convince him he wants more, after all, he's changed the rules, knowing full well that you wanted more kids. If you have a strong marriage, it should survive making him live up to that promise.



And don't worry about the people saying that you need to get over wanting more kids. You only have a certain time in your life that you can safely have children, and you might not be able to have more. I've learned from experience the regret of waiting too long. If your marriage doesn't make it, another one might. I am also a firm believer that you don't need two parents under the same roof to raise stable and happy kids.

[deleted account]

I have to write my response in a biased viewpoint as a proud and very content mother of one child. While my circumstances are very different from yours, please know that it is not the end of the world to raise a happy, healthy, and productive only child. The myths & stigmas associated with raising an only child are just that: myths and stigmas. There are many benefits to raising an only child: finances, vacations, smaller homes/vehicles, greater opportunities for events and activities, strong and solid relationships. I’m not saying that parents of multiples do not experience this, but from my perspective as a parent of an only child, I don’t have to worry about scheduling multiple kid events or splurging on events and vacations.



The very worst thing you can do is bring another baby into this world that was not conceived in love and mutual desire; yearning to add more to the family. Intentionally getting pregnant is the worst betrayal; entrapment really. There is never any guarantee that siblings will like each other, get along, enjoy childhood together, or embrace adulthood as they grow older.



My son may be an only, but he is far from lonely! It is my mission to see that he is outgoing, social, has friends, and independent. From an early age, he was enrolled in activities in order to meet other kids. He has plenty of friends in the neighborhood and in school. While cousins do not replace siblings, he is close in age with his cousins, as well as attend school together. When my son was a toddler, he was in both a traditional daycare setting and then transitioned to preschool. He thrived at both settings! Again, only does not mean lonely. At 7 ½ years old now, the occasional “I want a brother” surfaces, but I simply tell him, “There are many things in life you can and cannot have. And a brother is one of those things you cannot have.”



The way I read your post, you sound utterly depressed. I truly hope you seek private counseling to come to terms with what the couples counselor shared with you. It is difficult to parent a child when there is blatant depression. Taking your child to the park or the library, or anyplace that parents bring their children will set off waves of emotions for you, since, in all likelihood, you are witnessing other mothers with 2 or more kids. If anything, speak to a professional to learn how to embrace life with the possibility of raising an only child. It is NOT the end of the world! Love the child you do have, let him grown and thrive. Perhaps in a few more years, your husband may change his mind. Perhaps not. I wish you all the best.

Sarah - posted on 10/08/2012

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I think it is wrong of you ladies who are calling her selfish for wanting another child and potentially being willing to end her marraige over it. She was honest, told him what she wanted. HE was the one who lied and deceived her. The heart wants what it wants, why should she have to change her desires because she was lied to? I also agree that getting pregnant on purpose is wrong, but maybe more counseling might help. Does he realize he risks his marraige? He wouldnt regret having one, he would love it the same as his son. I have never heard someone say they regret having their kids, but have heard plenty say they regret not having them. Her husband is the one being selfish here, not her.

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Eleni - posted on 06/13/2014

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Hi,
Can u mentioned the list when u only have one child. Maybe I can only have one so would like to hear this list...
I have a 5yr old and won't a second but my husband doesn't. He thinks his to old. He is 50yrs old and I'm 43 yrs old and desperately won't a second. I have a miscarriage when I was 42yrs old and that devastated me and him.
He didn't want a second child when I fell pregnant the second time and said he said his only doing it for me cos I want another child but had a miscarriage at 6 weeks.
Now I'm ready to try again and he definitely doesn't want other child and very
Adamant about it. I'm so upset but not giving up. I know we r old but I'm not complete. I have a wonderful son and husband and love them both. My sister passed away from breast cancer when I have birth to my son. I was very close to her and miss her everyday. I'm blessed to have had my son cos I love having people around me. I just won't one more child to complete my beautiful family. I pray and hope. Xx

Hannah - posted on 03/21/2013

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I am in exactly the same situation, my child is 2 1/2 and I would love for her to have a sibling but my husband doesn't want another and resents my first child for the attention she wants off me. Its a horrible situation to be in.

Keri - posted on 10/27/2012

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Have you talked calmly and rationally about this? Too often I think discussions like this tailspin into huge fights about the subject. The saying "men are just big boys" seems to apply in his case and he's taking it to an extreme. If these are the only reasons besides "kids are a lot of work" that he doesn't want another, then there are probably other things going on with him - not cheating or anything - but he has issues he needs to face. I agree that a one-child household isn't the best, but I have plenty of only-child friends who are as well-adjusted as kids with 2 or more siblings. You need to talk calmly and rationally, get to each others' real feelings - maybe a marriage councel would help - but don't force him into it he will only resent you in the way it sounds like you already resent him.

Mary - posted on 10/08/2012

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I think you should find out how serious he is about not wanting another child. Does he have interest in a vasectomy? If he does and would actually go through with it you need to leave because he obviously is not changing his mind. This may sound harsh but husbands can be replaced children or lack of children can not. He will always be that childs father regardless of what happens between the two of you.

Melody - posted on 10/08/2012

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I think you should get pregnant and have a second child. Call it an accident. Women do this ALL the time. It is likely if you have another child you husband will be so in love with him/her he will get over the work. However, even if the marriage dissolves it is likely you would NEVER regret having a second child. I also absolutely think it is best for a child to have at least one sibling.

[deleted account]

This was similar to my story, 5 years ago. My husband had always resented me for having a baby in the first place (I told him I wanted a family or I was leaving) but I didn't recognize it until well after I left him. He loves his son but does not want more. This is entirely an emotional decision, not a financial one. I resent him for that among other things.



I am now too old to have another baby, and I am a little too jaded to enter into another relationship at this time. In all fairness, he also resents me for "forcing" the issue of having the first child, but in my mind, I was just putting my cards on the table. I don't think either of us can ever forgive the other after all that has transpired. I often wish I had recognized his rigidity for what it was before we married, when I was still young and full of options.



My son asks for a sibling, every single day, ever since he was aware enough to know what it meant. And it hurts to tell him I can't anymore.



Sorry I'm not more upbeat. I hope your situation ends on a better note than mine did. I definitely recommend couples therapy, if you can get him to attend. My ex came once and literally just sat there silently.

Linda - posted on 10/06/2012

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If u don't have another baby u will regret it for the rest of your life you will end up resenting your husband anyway which may even destroy the marriage I'm sure once the baby comes he will want it

Leslee - posted on 10/05/2012

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Listen we do get menopause, men don't. You are the one that will live miserably if you don't have the children of your wish. My husband always does the same things. But I usually don't pay him no mind. So I get prego anyway, he will be mad on the beginning, then Dow the road he changes his mind and take care of me, and make sure the baby have all he or she need. He also do go with me to the Dr appointment, and be there all the way to the delivery room to stay with me in the hospital. Now we have 4 children, just had our 4th one less then 6 months ago. So as you can see men sometime they scare of that, and also say it to us to see if we,are,not pushing. Just be strong and do what you have to be. He will be ok.

Alexandra - posted on 10/05/2012

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Before we have children, it is very easy to say we want one or ten children. We can always change our minds, our lives change, so we change too!

I do not think your husband is going against his word. I do, however, think that he needs to explain a little better what is going on in his mind. And so do you.

Have you told him everything you wrote in here?

It is very important that you talk to him openly and calmly. Maybe over a romantic dinner.

And, between us, he is a man, so you will be able to convince him no matter what. You just have to find the best way, he is your husband, so only you know the best way.

Do not get pregnant on your own, on purpose, behind his back. That would be a disaster, and from what you say, neither you nor him deserve that.

You will get there, it will just take some time.

Amber - posted on 10/05/2012

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I personally don't understand the urgent need to bare multitudes of children, but to each his own. I think the only thing that is certain in marriage is the right to change your mind. It isn't selfish to think you want something then to later decide you don't. I at one time felt I wanted more than one child, but decided I was content with my beautiful girl once I became a mom. I enjoyed every moment while it unfolded and continue to look forward to her future, but I realize I'm the type of parent who enjoys the one on one with my child. It took me having her to understand what worked for our family and one baby is what worked for my husband and I. You can't unilaterally decide what works for two people, because it's what you want. He has to forge ahead and decide what works for him as a parent the same way you have. Give him some time and meanwhile enjoy your son rather than mourn the one you don't have. Good luck to you!!

Kappy - posted on 10/05/2012

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Okay. I totally hear you and sympathize with how you feel. I am so very very sorry. I have just one child and have loved having just one. My husband was an only child and we had already discussed "only one or maybe possibly two" before we got married, so we are in a different situation, but here is my question for you...



How would you like to be the second kid that was unwanted by the father?



Because it would SUCK to be that child who would spend his/her life not understanding why Daddy didn't seem to love him/her as much, I believe the parent who says, "No more kids," always wins. If you cannot explain how important having a second child is to you and have him see and agree, then I think you have a decision to make. Find someone else to be the dad of your second and third children and get married to that person, or find a way to enjoy having just one. Holding it against your husband forever will just wreck your marriage and you might as well just leave right away, so staying married and resenting him is not one of the options.



I can give you a list as long as my arm of all the awesome reasons to have only one child if you want, but this is your decision. I'm am so very very sorry you are now in this spot. I fully agree that it sucks. :(

Danielle - posted on 10/05/2012

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I wonder if you've considered becoming a CASA or emergency foster parent? It would possibly allow you to get your baby fix by helping Child Protection Services have a temporary home for a baby while it not being permanent.



If there really is no way for you to have another child in your home at this time, then you should research CASA. CASA is a court appointed special advocate that works with Child Protection Services, counselors, parents, lawyers and judges to advocate for children who have been taken from their homes.



In summary, maybe if you found ways to volunteer to help other kids it would decrease your burning need to bring another family member permanently into the fold before your husband is ready.

Sally - posted on 10/05/2012

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Marriage is supposed to be more important than kids but you made a deal and he broke it then you offered to compromise and he said no deal. Regardless of his reasons, he's changing the rules in the middle of the game and expecting you to play along and be happy about it. You already know you don't want to play that way and who knows how many other rules he'll change with future whims.

You need to decide whether you'd rather have him or more children. If you choose him, you're going to have to mean it or the resentment is going to blow your marriage anyway. Being a single mother is hard and statistically kids do better in all ways in a two parent home, but your marriage isn't going to last anyway if he can change the rules of your relationship whenever he feels like it and you have to always give in to keep him.

Good luck

Suzie - posted on 10/05/2012

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Have you brought up the fact that he was ok with multiple children before your son was born?



He could seriously be worried about not being able to love another child.



I also think he might not have wanted a child in the first place due to his reaction to this one. And the fact that your son was unexpected.



I would ask your husband out on a coffee date to an all night diner and let him know ahead of time that you want this to be a discussion about your family and relationship. I think you should call him on the bs about football and money, but not in a "well you know this and that". But in a way that shows you have done your research. You need to show him that you have all the facts in order because he is not going to respond well otherwise. Also it might help to have facts on siblings and how that affects children. Then you should ask him his concerns and listen, without interrupting. After that is when you both should talk about it together. Maybe you can come up with a comprimise. For instance, my husband and I recently decided to just let nature take its course. We aren't trying, but we aren't preventing either.

Shona - posted on 10/05/2012

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I just want to encourage you to focuss on the fact that you have a good marriage and a healthy wonderful child... give him time, and encouragment, and he just might surprise you

When my husband and I got married , I said 4-6 kids...he said 2 or 3....then after the 4 fourth I booked his vasectomy and you know what, he cancelled it and we went for a fifth..who is now 14 months... so keep the faith and do not let your mind get carried away....

Dove - posted on 10/05/2012

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Oh, but Sapphire.... who cares about trust and having a solid marital relationship? Didn't you know the entire world is supposed to revolve around your own personal, selfish desires? Who gives a damn about someone ELSE, right?



@@ This world disgusts me. :(

Louise - posted on 10/05/2012

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I just had my second daughter 8 months ago. My oldest will be 6 in Nov. It took me 5 years to agree on having a second child. I wasn't too ready for our first and I just needed time for it to be comfortable for me. Sometimes people come around. I wish you luck and I hope all turns out well.

Angela - posted on 10/05/2012

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It took me about two years to convince my husband it would be good to have a second child. And that was going from only ever wanting one. So you still have a chance. Unfortunately we had a miscarriage and are not able to have any more, so we have decided to foster, which I think must have been an even more difficult step to take for my husband. So what I am saying is, don't give up and keep the faith, if you really want something God will find a way..

[deleted account]

"If you want another child, either convince your husband that it's important to you or just get pregnant. Yeah, it's sneaky, but plenty of women get pregnant when the man doesn't want kids."



I am vehemently opposed to this statement, and find it downright immature and a sure-fire way to end a marriage. Marriage is built on trust. If you just go and get pregnant, you lose your husband's trust. Then saddle him with an unwanted child. Very selfish, IMO.

Janessa - posted on 10/03/2012

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Right now, focus on your marriage. You cannot change him, only yourself. I understand your need for wanting more children. I have four and still feel a burning desire to have at least 1 or two more. All men have their distractions. My husband likes his share of video games, he does pretty good at managing that, he usually doesn't get too carried away, but there are times; but what I have come to realize is nagging him only makes things worse. If you want to have a stable marriage for your son, you have to look within yourself and see how you could change, because you can only change you. I heard a story of a lady that heard a talk once about changing ones attitude, and acting like you have the perfect marriage, acting like your life is the way you want. She was in a rocky marriage at the time and began to do that, long story short it transformed their marriage. I'm not saying this is easy, I fumble at times, but I also pray for help, and that gives me the strength that I lack. Maybe with time, love and patience, he'll change his views about having another baby. You just need to love him as he is, because honestly it sounds like he's a pretty good guy, and there aren't a lot out there like that. I try and focus solely on my husbands strengths which are many. Not his weaknesses.

Ariana - posted on 10/03/2012

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You should tell him that you had been upfront about wanting 3 children and he was ok with that, now he's saying he only wants one. How can this problem be solved? I think having only one more child would be a reasonable response. You may want to explain how you are feeling and then if he still disagrees drop it for a while. He may feel more comfortable having another child once your child is in school and watching a second child might not be as hard.



Although obviously you can't wait forever to have a second child you can wait 2 years and bring it up again. This isn't a WE MUST HAVE KIDS NOW moment. If he still disagrees then you have to decide what is more important to you, and if you are willing to make some sort of ultimatum. This is a really tough spot for you to be in.

Ashley - posted on 10/03/2012

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I agree which as makes it hard to "convince" him because I will always feel like I made him. Does he resent me or the child now. We saw a therapist twice and she said this will end in one of two ways. Your husband concedes and does this because he loves you and your family, not because it is what he wants but because it is what his wife wants or we separate, She said she doesn't see me not having a second child. Both not the best outcomes. Either I have a broken home for the son I have or maybe my husband resents me for forcing his hand. Is my desire greater than my marriage anyways??? It might be. I think if I give in I may hate him and that causes the end of our marriage. Or if I give in and we divorce over something else and its too late for me to have a second child and I gave it up for a divorce anyways. Or worse what if he then remarries and has a child with someone else...that happens. Its hard as well because we have no marital problems besides this issue and have a good life, that makes it harder.

Sherri - posted on 10/03/2012

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I understand your feeling and need but it is also unfair to make him have more children if he doesn't want them and could very well be the ens of your marriage if you make him.

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