I WANT to get along with stepmom!!! Help!!

Cody - posted on 08/04/2013 ( 19 moms have responded )

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I really want a relationship (of some sort) with my ex and his fiancé...problem is either he refuses to let her talk to me or she is deciding to ignore me. I am not a needy ex-wife. I do not call the kids every night when they are there. I feel they need their time with their daddy, too. I am trying to stay out of their business...but when my kids come home talking about how she is always in a bad mood, dad is never around...and now I found out she has been spanning my son!! I can't do this anymore!! People keep saying give it time. I understand why they say this. It has only been two years. But my kids cry when they leave now. She made the statement that her fiancé did not ask for this divorce so I (as in me...the ex) should not get everything I want. All I want is for us to have a civil working relationship for the kids. I know this will not happen over night. I just need advice please...am I trying too hard? I don't want to be best friends but I would like to be able to talk to the two of them if there is something going on. Sometimes I think I am the only mom ever who wants to get along with stepmom...

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Exotichush - posted on 08/07/2013

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I'm a Step Mom and I would say have a meeting so all three can get there opinioma out. I personally would like to have that chance however its not that easy when the bio mom hardly ever contacts. I wouldnt worry initially about the spanking. Like the other poster said..the kids might be trying her. I dont beliebe in spanking (yes I have kids of my own) however I have had to pop him a few times. Ive never tolerated disrespect and was told it was ok for him to do so and not to worry about it unless its directed at me(side eye). Hence the few times I popped him. He has lived with us for a few years now. His mother might feel some kind of way about certain decisions (ex. School) but she doesnt pick him up or drop him off..why should her opinion matter. She said.i was being controlling.
.no I just wont let noone else control my household..if you dont like it..feel free to come get him. I love him like my own and he is treated as such...i think alot of.stepmom/biomom issues.come from lack of communication mainly but also ignorance. She might be feeling a way herself....reach out to her..maybe you can come to a common ground. Good luck sweetie!

Cindy - posted on 08/08/2013

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I'm lucky to get along with my stepdaughters mom; we've been good friends since the beginning. That said, there are certain UNwritten rules that a step parent should follow and a person doesn't have to be told, they should just know. First, she should keep her opinions to herself. Not only will it get back to you and change your opinion of her, but if she is with your husband forever she should be wanting to get along with their mom; kids don't like anyone speaking badly of their mom. Second, if your kids are naughty, your ex-husband should be handling anything beyond timeout; she can yell at them but her hand should NEVER come into contact with them. Ever. If it requires a spanking, I think only the bio-parents should be doing it; I've never spanked my stepdaughter nor have I hit her and yes, she likes to push the envelop at times like all kids :). Your ex-husband needs to sit down with you both and take responsibility for her actions since he allows it happen. If he wont, I'd speak to a friend of the court and request supervised visits; he wouldnt see his kids very often which it sounds like he's never there anyways and your kids wouldn't be traumatized by his fiancé. Quite frankly, I don't think she wants to get along with you since she KNOWS you asked for the divorce...aka she fears you change your mom and you have your ex back.

Eliza - posted on 08/06/2013

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What you should do is make sure you have her details and talk to the department where they deal with child abuse, go talk to some one about making a statement about her spanking your son and how the dad is rarely around etc. Than get a receipt number about your claim. Than go take their arses to court! shes not legally a step mom to them. You lose time with your kids giving them to a family they rarely wanna see! Go find your rights and the possible steps you can get to make sure this lady doesnt touch your kid one bit!

Sara - posted on 08/06/2013

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I would be upset if she was spanking my kids and they didn't want to go over there. To be honest I would give up on being friends and focus on the welfare of your children. The fact that they don't want to go is a bad sign, is it possible for them to jus stay with you? Who filed for divorce is not the step moms business, and I would tell her so.

Leesa - posted on 08/05/2013

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Hi coby
I too am a step mum have been for over ten years and only now do I have an ok relationship with the bio mum. One of my sd lives with us full time and her bio mum treats her like dirt both mentally and pysically her mother couldn't handle her so she sent her to us and now I am the one taking her to the councillor and getting her anti depression tablets because of what her mother did so as u can see I don't like the bio mum or have any time for her but I put up with her for the kids THAT'S IT. The bio mum is always trying to stick her nose into our business and still thinks my husband will do anything for her ( which is does sometimes as other wise SHE holds his other 2 kids that live with her against him) this is another thing she has always done. Everyone one is different but like I said its taken me over 10 years to have some kind of speaking relationship with the bio mum and hopefully it will get better for u with time good luck

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Kaylee - posted on 08/08/2013

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Also I do not agree with spanking or hitting a child in anyway at all no matter how much they push your buttons and test you, the naughty corner has always worked for me you sit the child away from everything for as many minutes as the child is old , I no all kids are different but it does work if they get up u be persistent smackin/tapping hands whatever is not the answer in my view and is wring

Kaylee - posted on 08/08/2013

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I no where you are coming from on this my child's father has a new girlfriend and he has intruduced my son to her his relationship never work he is a differ child when he comes home from being with them he is always dirty, has attitude and recently started saying mummy stupid. I would like to be able to speak to them for my sons sake to be able to feel as though I can ask questions about what my child has been doin whilst with them but I don't feel I can. His father is impossible and his girlfriend too.. I need advice on the matter also plus would love to hear how your dealing with it all

Kim - posted on 08/07/2013

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I feel for u.its been 13 yrs I am divorced 4 kids. my x has been with his wife about 10 yrs. we have yet to meet! since u have said she has spanked your kids I would be knocking down the door.NOBODY should spank your kids. I too am remarried my husband treats my kids like I do. so if she is spanking your kids then he is spanking or not aware she is. if they won't talk to you contact the courts for mediation immediately. my x"s wife just doesn't bother much with the kids do I don't have that problem. my problem it's my x. my eldest turned 18 and has chosen to never see him again. 3 more to go...lol good luck you don't need a lawyer to get him into mediation.

Hnoemi02 - posted on 08/06/2013

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My fiances ex was a lil problem for about a year i think. But i never stayed away if my fiance was going to go get the kids. Infact i would go in the house with him and sit where i pleased or whatever. Our case is diffrent of course. Now we joke around and go to the kids doctor together n just b cool. Buh i was the one who made the effort because they have 3 boys together n i didnt want baby mama drama. I just showed her that at the end we gota deal with eachother.
My ex is a problem. He thinks he is in total control when it comes to our son. I let him have residential custody. But we both have legal custody. And now that he has his girl friend home (Shes nt alowed outside i believe cuz no one has seen her buh i have met her twice) he doesnt bring me my son on his days when hes workin. Now i feel like im goin to go bak to court to get residential custody.

Anyway. U might b tryin a lil to hard if hes being hard for u to speak to them. He sounds like my ex. But u should deff try to get some help to find out wat is really goin on with the spankin.

I dont touch his kids and he doesn't touch my son. Thats how it goes

Rivka - posted on 08/06/2013

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Eliza and Cody,
Before you file for abuse, you gotta get down to the truth.
Maybe your children are checking out her limits and being plain naughty ...
Some children do that for two reasons: The new Parent/Teacher on the block and the second a bit of revenge for bio Mom - protecting her name with her absence from the family with Dad.

My Brother in law's Second Ex as I told you before had her own two kids from her own Ex.
I was the one that they came to for consulting with and working out their feelings. I wish I lived closer to them but when I was there we all had a much more peaceful time together.

Now this Ex's Ex manipulated the children to get to their Mother and continued interesting way's off abuse just as if she never left him. They were at courts to get him out of her life but a Judge that was on this case was about the time of political upheaval set their divorce as an example that 'Men have rights'. So they had joint custody but he was the main opotropus.
Every time the kids needed 'time out' or any uncomfortable( for the kids) parenting, they were told by their bio father to call the police and complain of abuse. So they would call him and he called the police.
My Brother in law was arrested three time that way. The Judge knew it was a setup and said so in court, but forgot to erase the police file.
My brother in law is the best parent there is. He raised his two boys and still takes care of his first Ex (the anorexic). It is terrible that he has such a file on him. In Israel the Ex can only get alimony if they are the main caregivers to the children. So she gets the alimony, lives in their house and he still is the one that buys the children their clothes, laundry, school equipment for school and food. The kids stay with him after school or go to their grandmother to do their homework and eat dinner. Only then they go to their bio Mom. When they were babies in preschool the preschool sent the social worker to pickup the children, wash them , dress them and take them to school. The pre school Psychologist wrote a whole paper and gathered evidence that bio Mom was not fit to raise the children. So Their Father told her that it is better that he lived in the next building and they stayed with him whenever they wanted or when the bio Mom was sick and to stop court fighting now because the children are feeling it and feel guilty as if they are in the wrong. And that is how they lived. The oldest is 17 and the second is 16. They are wonderful children.

We are the the Uncle and Aunt all the nieces and nephews go to when they are feeling lost or need a hug/ear/shoulder.
Good luck. Rivka

Cody - posted on 08/06/2013

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Sara I think you are right...they are with me the majority if the time over the school year so I am ready for the year to begin. My kids happiness is all that matters and if that does not get to include friendly parents then so be it.

Jenna Paige - posted on 08/06/2013

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Oh Cody I have the same problem and my ex won't let me talk to her he broke with me after we had 5 kids and went for Denny her name is Denny and she has huge breast so

Rivka - posted on 08/04/2013

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My brother in law got married three times.
First Ex is my childhood friend that is an anorexic mess. They have two boys.
Second Ex was jealous of the first because My brother in law still took care of her and the children and her Ex was driving her crazy through her two children.
They had no mutual children and got divorced because her Ex was bothering my brother in law.
The third wife is amazing. They have a year old son and she is dew in November with a second child. The two big boys are ecstatic. When the oldest came down with crohns disease She drove the first Ex to the hospital back and forth. When the first Ex is sick the third wife takes her to the doctor. They are family wether she like it or not.
I suggest you set up a meeting with your Ex and his new fiance with a third party to discuss running the family life the best way for the children.
Keep all the angry words somewere ellse away from the kids because the children think they are in the wrong.
Rivka

Ev - posted on 08/04/2013

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Also it sounds like she might be the drama type. I would watch that too. Once when my ex had just married their second step mom, we had been discussing an issue at the front door of the house about my son before me and the kids were to leave. Another topic came up and I was not going to allow it because legally where we live the homeschooling falls on parents or legal guardians to do. The step mom was not happy that I said no and told me to get out of her F house. I never use the word but she said it in front of my son too. Drama...as I said. She has tried to make it all about her. Avoid this as much as you can and set the tone too. With that conversation about homeschooling, she finally learned she was not going to get to me.

Cody - posted on 08/04/2013

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Jodi...yes I did mean spanking. Sorry about that. I have been to see my lawyer...their dad just wanted to defend her...I will protect my babies!!!

Jodi - posted on 08/04/2013

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Evelyn is right. You don't know what she has been told about you. It probably isn't nice. My ex's partner he has had since we divorced (he has had 2 in the last 14 years) haven't heard nice things about me. I can understand you wanting to just get to know and have a civil relationship with her - we all want the best for our children, and we want to know the significant people in their lives. After all, this woman WILL have a significant impact on your children. However, it does sound like she isn't interested, so continuing to force the issue is not going to help.

However, having said that, you used the term "spanning....did you mean spanking? If ANY partner of my ex's had been spanking my son, I can tell you I'd be beating the door down and sending lawyer's letters. Sorry, but nobody hits my kids. Ever.

Cody - posted on 08/04/2013

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Thank you for replying...sometimes their dad will talk to me as sometimes he won't. If he is angry he tries to punish me with the kids. I don't worry about her trying to take my place at all. My kids and I are very close. I just wanted to be able to get along. I think I am tired if trying and always getting the short end. Thanks again!!! Helps to hear from someone who has been there...

Ev - posted on 08/04/2013

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You are not wrong to want to have a civil or polite relationship for the care and well being of the kids. I know you want to get along. There are a lot of us that would love to have that. Unfortunate as it is, this is not always going to be the case. You do not know what all has been said about you to her to begin with, what ideas she has formed because of that information, and you can only ask once to see if she is willing to communicate where your kids are concerned. She is just a fiance right now not the step mom so to address the issue of spanking, she has no rights to do that. She needs to be made aware of this from now on. Another issue in trying to establish constant, good communication is the want of the other party to do so. It seems from your description that neither is into that idea. You are just going to have to talk to dad about things from here on out. And if she is talking bad about things like in saying the divorce is your fault, chances are she could be downing you to the kids too. You need to address that too that he and she do not need to talk bad about you in front of the kids. Most of the decisions for the kids are going to be up to you and dad and she will not have a direct choice in the matter. She will say something though. You need to be prepared for that. All in all, as much as you want to have the communication, it sounds like she is not going to do this nor is he. Two yeas is ample time to set up a course of action in communication of the needs of the kids. I know this from experience and two step mothers in my kids lives. They both did not want a thing to do with me and only knew what had been told to them about me. Needless to say, I dealt with dad directly.

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