I want to have a baby, but should I? So torn.

Janet - posted on 10/12/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )




Hi, I am 47 years old, in basically good shape, and considering an Egg donor to conceive. I am so torn and losing sleep about whether I am doing the right thing. This is my story: My husband and I happily married 10 years ago but since then I have had fibroid tumor issues etc. (resulting in no pregnancy) which now have been resolved. The Doctor said I am good to go if I want to do egg donor but here is my situation..And my question to you.. My Husband and I have only about $40,000 in the bank. We both work full time. He has an income of only about $45,000 a year and mine is about $30,000 right now (of which I would need to give up). Bills are tight but we keep above water right now. I would need to quit working and stay home with the baby as we couldn't afford a daycare program in our area of New Jersey. I do not have any relatives or friends that could be baby sitters as so many people today are lucky to have. All of my relatives that I am in contact with are older and have grown children. Sadly, I dont have any real friends, just co- workers.. My Mom was always my best friend and all I ever felt that I needed. We were inseperable! She passed away 3 years ago which has left me broken hearted. My Husband is now my only real friend to speak of. So this is why i ask for help. Is this the wrong environment to bring a child into. There would be no other children in my family to play with. They will have No grandparents(on either side). Parents (us) who will now be struggling financially and me, and older-than-everyone-else mother. Do you think I would do this child an injustice by having him/her? Other than the dearest Love I can give, I am wondering if I have anything to offer this child-to-be. But I feel it will be a long lonely existence for both myself and husband, if we dont have a child. I am so sad and confused. Maybe someone has an opinion that might help me? Thanks for reading, Janet B.


Firebird - posted on 10/13/2012




lol I raise a kid, alone, on less than $10,000/year. Not on welfare either. I'm sure you can make it work.

Ariana - posted on 10/13/2012




If I were you I would pursue an older child adoption.

You're planning on putting a lot of money into getting pregnant (which may or not work out) and no resources to take care of the infant once they are around. You will also be almost 70 by the time they're stabily out of the house.

Ultimately the choice is up to you, a baby is a wonderful thing, but there are other options.

You could pursue an older child adoption. There are, of course, possible issues with this but you can prepare for those. You could adopt a 5-8 year old, it gives you the benefit of having a child already in school, possibly choosing a child who will work well in your paticular family. There are many children who need homes but won't get adopted because they are considered 'to old' (even 3 and 4 year olds can be considered to old to adopt to some).

Just check out all your options.

Denikka - posted on 10/13/2012




Have you thought about adoption or fostering?

Liz is right, there will never be enough money. II is possible to raise a child on your income though.

But IVF treatments are an extra expense that most people don't have to take into consideration. You're looking at well over $10K and quite possibly over $15K for a single treatment, and you don't know how many will be required.

I hate to go here, but really thinking out all the angles, you have to look at your age too. Just as a quick run down, if you got pregnant right away (and there are no guarantees) your child wouldn't be moving out on their own until you were 65-67 (as a rough figure, between 18 and 20) Statistically speaking, when a person waits until they're older to have children, their children are likely to also wait. If your child waited until they were even 35 to have children, you would be in your 80's. You would most likely not be able to run around and play with your grandchildren.

You really have no support system (outside of your husband), which in and of itself does not make things impossible, but it can make things more difficult.

Not to mention that the child would be young when you hit full swing menopause. Taking care of a toddler while dealing with hormones and hot flashes, among other things? Not for me at least.

I, personally, am against older women (over 40, and especially over 45) getting pregnant, especially for the first time. I know they may have just as much love to give, if not more and there may be many good reasons why they waited. But I was raised by my grandparents. I know what I missed out on. All the things they couldn't do with me when I was young, purely because of their age. They just couldn't run around and play with me. Even when I got older and just wanted to do something like play cards, many times they were too tired or had their aches and pains and couldn't sit long in the chair, or were too cranky.

I dealt a lot with the fear that one or both of them would pass away. I know anyone can go at any time, but with someone who's older, it becomes much more realistic. Part of the reason I got pregnant at 19 (although not specifically planned) was because I wanted them to be around for MY kids. I felt that pressure. I feel the pressure to compromise on the wedding that I want, just so that I have it when they're still able to be there. It's a lot of pressure for a kid to live under.

In your case, I can understand the bioclock ticking. I can understand the desire to have your own child. But I would greatly suggest looking into adopting or fostering an older child. The love and rewards can be just as great, if not greater, than having your own. :)

Good luck with any decision you make. Ultimately, you're the only one who can decide what's best for you.

Liz - posted on 10/12/2012




It sounds very much to me like you want to have a child. Believe me, there will ALWAYS be excuses and reasons and complications to NOT have one. But there are few things greater than having a child. It will be hard, no question about it, but if you do this, you will make it work. There will be stressful times, but there will be joyous times as well. Sure, money will be tight, but that wouldn't matter even if you made $100,000 a year. There is never enough money!

It sounds to me like you are a very logical thinker. That being said, you would be going into this knowing there will be trials and difficulties, and I think that will make you better prepared to handle them. Good luck in whatever you decide to do!


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Janet - posted on 10/13/2012




To Liz, Dinikka, Ariana. Thank you for your input. I am taking all that you have said into consideration. It is great to get some opinions on this from all sides. I am so, so torn and the decision is so important.

Janet - posted on 10/13/2012




Thank you for responding. My question was more about my family situation and age than the income. I mentioned that to put it all into perspective.

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