Shawna - posted on 05/04/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )
I am really trying to grasp the fact of what i have been through in the past 7 months of my life, losing two babies to what the doctors say is just bad luck. No reason at all other than something wasnt right with the baby. i can totally understand that, but to happen twice what are the odds of that, they responded "very slim". which then makes it that much harder to believe that something wasnt wrong with me or my body or somehow someway it could have been prevented. I havent smoked in a year i dont use drugs and i dont drink, i dont even drink coffee or eat lunch meat or any other stupid crazy thing that they say not to do when ur pregnant.i dont work anymore and i am not overwieght. i just dont get it and probablly never will. but to think im only 25 and im scared to even get pregnant again is just plan crazy. i am a dedicated christian atleast to the best of my ability and i try not to question God and why this has happened but to be greatful with the two children i do have. but i still feel like a peice of me has died, or to think about this little being and what it could have been that is no longer, it just hurts. this time around i knew something might go wrong because it did last time but i didnt really think it would. if u can understand that. i havent even really broke down and cried yet i just keep trying to push it to the back of my head and tell everyone im ok with a smile, but i know im not deep down i do hurt and i want to just lay in bed and cover myself with my covers and cry and scream and yell at God asking him why. but that would ruin me and i dont want that. i just had my surgery last night at 635pm and i find myself all day today not wanting to eat and cleaning all day like crazy cleaning like deep cleaning shit no one wants to do. i guess i just dont want to stop and think about it. i know the painwill get better as the days go by but it never fully goes away ever. i guess i just needed to talk about this. i really havent talked to anyone not that i dont have support because i do but i guess i push everyone away cause i cant talk about it aloud without completly falling apart.