i want to leave my husband but i don't want to take my kids

Me. - posted on 12/01/2014 ( 29 moms have responded )

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please don't judge me so hard
i want to leave the father of my children , he treats me so badly i mean he does whatever he wants , it has been 2 days and he hasn't come home , i don't know where he is , he does this every week . i just want to leave him , i think i have depression and i feel the only solution for me to get better is leaving him , but i don't want to take my kids because i don't trust myself with them while i go through all the process of the separation , i feel like i want to get better before they live with me . i am also feel like if i take the kids is unfair that he gets his freedom back and he can live like a single person again and not me . i LOVE MY KIDS one is 3 years old and the other is 2 months , i dont know what to do
is like is ok if a man leave without the kids but not for a woman

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Laurie - posted on 12/05/2014

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Wow, I just read your second post as well. Never feel like you are a bad mother, being a stay home mom is really hard. I, too, am a stay home mom. I have two children, one will be three in February and the other is four months. It is really hard to transition from one child to two. It is also possible that you have post partum depression or just the "baby blues" - which I write them as separate things because there are different degrees of PPD, I had the "baby blues" when my first was born, but I wouldn't classify it as PPD, but it probably was a mild case. I was lucky enough not to feel that way after the second. Perhaps you didn't have it with your first and are now experiencing it for the first time with your second. It's really hard to understand those feelings because in your brain you know that you should be happy and you should adore your children but there is a little part of you that is so sad, all the time, and you just don't want to have to be a mom all the time. If this is what it is, with some help, you can get through it. It took me several months to finally break down in front of my husband and try to explain to him what was going on with me, but when I did, he was a lot more supportive. But, you need to be confident enough, or just at your limit, to talk to him, and then to tell him what you need. Tell him you need him home after work, tell him that you understand that he wants to go hang out with the guys, and that once in a while it is okay, but just to check with you first. Tell him that you need some hugs. Tell him that once in a while, you would like to be able to leave the house without the children, even if it is only for half an hour. If he is a good father, which I believe you when you say he is, he will be happy to help, he just doesn't realise yet that he needs to. I hope that you are able to get through this!

Sarah - posted on 12/05/2014

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This phrase really worries me;
"feel i am an bad mother, i have no patience , kids should be better without me"
If you are considering hurting yourself or your kids please call the National Suicide Hotline 1-800-784-2433.

Julie - posted on 12/05/2014

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I was in the same situation as yourself with two young children. My husband was going out and having fun all the time while I would stay home alone with the kids all night. I was depressed as well. After a lot of thought one day I just kicked him out. The very next day to my surprise I found myself happier than I had been in years. A weight had been lifted and I stayed happy and did not even need therapy for the depression. I also had a sense of newfound freedom because even though I kept the kids they went and stayed with him every second weekend and I had to whole days to MYSELF. Please think twice before leaving the kids with him because if he is selfish enough to abandon his family for two days then he doesn't sound like someone to entrust your kids with full time. If you find you can't cope by yourself with them there are like the other mums said groups that can help you with that.

Cecilia - posted on 12/04/2014

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I'm not sure if they have it your area but check out safefamilies and then get then start working on getting things together. They give you a boost and check in on your progress while caring for your children. I'm not going to post any of that they need their mother stuff right off the bat, sometimes you just can't and it takes a good parent to know that and not to let their kids sit in the middle of things when they know they can't work things out at the time. This place is legit and when ever you want went they will send your children back. This place will motivate you to get you on your feet asap. It is still a hard decision and I'm sure you know that and have been thinking on it and may not know where to turn.I hope things work out for you. The site is http://www.safe-families.org/ And if you can get them back asap (here it is) they do need you.

Jess - posted on 12/05/2014

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Been there just did it please do not leave your kids you will be charged with child endangerment and abandonment. If it's bad for you it's bad for them . I spent 6 months in a domestic violence shelter with my kids . I have no family here no friends and no money an immigrant as well. The shelter will help you get on your feet find a safe place to live and start over. I did it so can you. Call a hotline make a safe plan and leave write all important things down like numbers out of your cell some places take phones for safety. Take birth certificates I'd cards health insurance cards with you . Clothes for everyone and call a cab. Go to a hotel or local welfare office they will put you in a hotel. Or find some where he does not know of. They will get you meds for depression if you need them . I'm sure he put you down but your better then that. God bless and good luck.

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Zahrah - posted on 12/10/2014

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You can't leave your children with a man like that. Especially a 2 month old baby!! They need you. Please don't take the frustration about your husband out on your small children. Do you have family around? Can you move to your mothers house with the children so she can help?

Raye - posted on 12/08/2014

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You don't really go into detail on how your husband treats you badly. Okay, he "does whatever he wants" and leaves for a couple days. Have you talked to him about feeling overwhelmed and that you need him home more often so you can get a break? If you haven't told him, then he can only assume that you're okay with how he's been acting.

You also don't say how old you are. If you both had kids young, he may feel like he had to grow up too quickly and is acting out because he's not ready to be a responsible adult yet. I'm not trying to defend him, but we don't know the whole story, and there are two sides. I do know a lot of people that bring on their own unhappiness because they have expectations of their partner that the other person couldn't possible live up to, because they were never told about it and don't know what's expected of them.

A lot of men don't pick up on subtle clues. They barely get the idea when you hit them upside the head with it. You have to talk to him. Let him know that being a stay at home mom is a job, and you need a break sometimes, too. Don't be scared to ask for help. You're only human. You need to take care of you, too, not just the kids, and he should understand that. Tell him you're glad he has such confidence in your abilities, but that it's a lot more work with this second child, and you need some time to recharge every once in a while.

If he really does treat you badly and you can't (or don't want to) make it work, then there are options to leave. You're right, it's almost expected and more accepted for men to ditch their families, where women who leave their families are thought of and treated more harshly. Don't abandon your kids just to get back at your husband. That is not fair to them. But if you seriously need help before you feel you'd be fit to be a mother, then get the help you need on your own. Just know that it may be more difficult later on to get your kids back, if you decide you want them back.

M - posted on 12/08/2014

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OMG! How can someone not judge you? I don't think he is ready for kids. If he doesn't treat you right, what makes you think he will do so with the kids??? Why don't you have your mother, sibling or trustworthy family member temporarily help with them. Maybe take them for a weekend so you can have time off to yourself?... I see that you have a 2 month old. You might just be going through Postpartum Depression. Call your doctor. He/she might be able to help. Good luck. Wishing you a speedy recovery and please don't leave your children.

Michelle - posted on 12/06/2014

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You need to call your doctor ASAP. You might be experiencing postpartum depression. Please remember you're a parent now, and your children's well-being should be of utmost importance. They need you, and I know it seems difficult and nearly impossible to deal with things on "your own," but you can do it. Utilize any support you have near you, like family and friends. Maybe you need company. Maybe you need a few hours to recharge. You need to take care of yourself, so please please please call your doctor.

Good luck!

Cecilia - posted on 12/05/2014

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I just read your second post. Have you talked to him? If you haven't you need to ASAP. It may be difficult to say your going through a rough time but it sounds like you two have a lot to work out. Get him to sit down with you if he's honestly thinking that the kids are okay with you and you doing alright right now when you feel this way he's not seeing things entirely. Sometimes significant others can get selfish and do not notice what the other is going through. He may need that wake up call. Please do talk to him if there isn't danger of abuse. Adjustments may be able to be made and he may need that extra pressure to step up. Let him know things are not right with you and you need support from him.

Jasel Galvez - posted on 12/04/2014

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Hi the father of my child left 3 weeks ago and yes it truth he is living a super life when I can barely feed out own kid by the way he is 2 yrs and 3 months but I would do it all over again you need to take that toxic person out of your life it will destroy you believe me take the kids and slowly you will make it :) you have a friend here if you need someone to talk I had been there
The dad when we were together told me 1 I will take a trip to Mexico for a conference and I bought another ticket en Mexico to go to Cuba after he he had told me that he had not money listen your men like my ex aren't going to change they will lie live theirs life anyway they want like they have not family so I really please beg you to find help like I am doing too and leave him behind
I know this isn't the life you plan but everything happens for a reason just take your babies and You and I will be fine ;)
A lot of love and good luck to you

Sarah - posted on 12/04/2014

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@Cecilia Smith, I just checked out the link you provided. I had not heard of Safefamilies. What an amazing organization! Thanks for posting!

Sarah - posted on 12/04/2014

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You sound like you really do feel out of control. Do you have any family or a girlfriend that can come stay with you for a few days or you can go there with your kids?
You are still recovering from childbirth and you are tired and sleep deprived and unhappy. All okay ways to feel. I think with some support you may feel less helpless.
I do agree that you most likely need treatment for PPD. Call your doctor and tell him how you feel. You are not alone.

Jaja - posted on 12/04/2014

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Dont let your kids suffer without their mother.
If you want to leave, take them. Think about it properly.

Caroline - posted on 12/03/2014

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Talk to someone (therapist, minister, etc) before you do anything rash. Also, realize, once you leave your kids with your husband, getting them back will be VERY hard. And, not to sound harsh, but it sounds like you might be using your children to "teach" your husband a lesson. If you want to leave him, let HIM go. Not your kids.

Brittany - posted on 12/03/2014

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I am sorry to hear that you are struggling, I would also encourage you to get some help before making a decision. I know of a place that you can call for free licensed counseling if you are interested let me know. Your children need you, and I would also encourage you to speak with your doctor about some medication for depression if that is the case.

I will keep you in my prayers

Live, Laugh, and Cantor on

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/03/2014

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You need to seek help for yourself before you can make this HUGE decision of leaving your children. You very well may have PPD or other forms of depression, and your husband being absent is not helping.

I cannot help but feel that you leaving him and your kids behind is suppose to be some for of punishment for your husband abusing his freedom. NOT the way to go with this.

Laurie - posted on 12/02/2014

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I agree with the ladies before me. Get some help. You need to get yourself better and to a point where you are happy, confident and comfortable being a sole caregiver for your children as it seems their father is not prepared to be one at all. I definitely think you should leave if this is how you are feeling. I would suggest calling child services and having them find a safe environment for your children while you get better.

Dove - posted on 12/02/2014

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I agree w/ Jodi and Michelle. PLEASE seek help immediately. Don't be afraid to reach out and tell your doctor what you are feeling and get a referral to a psychologist of some sort. You have to take this step. Not just for you, but for your kids as well. They deserve a happy and healthy mother. You CAN do this.

Michelle - posted on 12/02/2014

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Don't be scared to seek help. I agree with Jodi that it sound like you have PND. Please go to your doctor and let them know how you are feeling. They CAN help you.

Jodi - posted on 12/02/2014

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Go and seek some psychological help. Please. You sound like you have post natal depression and that neither of you are dealing with it particularly well. You need help. There is no shame in asking for that help. I assure you, I have been there. It was many years ago now, but don't leave this unattended. Please go and talk to someone.

Me. - posted on 12/02/2014

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he is a good father when he is here , he only doesnt come home because he knows i am an stay home mom and he thinks the kids are ok with me , so he goes hang out with his friends . i am scared to ask for help , i want everything to be under control but recently ,i am getting worse , i feel i am an bad mother, i have no patience , kids should be better without me

Michelle - posted on 12/02/2014

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I agree with Jodi, get yourself some help before you decide to leave. Make sure you have things in place: somewhere to go and professional help.
I wouldn't be leaving my children with someone who doesn't come home for day at a time, especially a 2 month old. Your babies need YOU, not him. Please seek proper help before making any decisions.

Jodi - posted on 12/02/2014

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So....you want to leave a man who doesn't come home, and you want to leave the kids with him? You trust a man who never comes home more than you trust yourself?

I'll be honest, you do sound like you have maybe PND. I think the first thing you need to do is talk to your doctor and get a referral to talk to a psychologist. I'm not saying that leaving is the wrong thing, but is it really the right thing to leave the kids with him? Right now you don't seem to be thinking very clearly in the best interests of your children and maybe some counselling will help you makes the choices you need to make with their best interests in mind.

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