i want to start my family however my fiance has a different opinion

Jess - posted on 12/06/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Me and my fiance since we started dating we talked about the future. However lately since we've got engaged we been fighting more and more about this, i wanna start our family, were stable we both have jobs and in a place we can easily afford, and have all our bills covered an have a lot of money to spend freely. but still i run in to the brick wall, mainly my finance. i don't know what to do anymore, i'm at my last end. i don't want to wait forever or never, he claims we'll never move we'll never finish any thing we set out to.. i know this is making me seem selfish but that's the furthest thing from the truth. ive been waiting patiently for the last 2 1/2 year for the okay to even bring it up civilly it always end up being big fight, its the only thing were fighting about lately what should i do.

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Michelle - posted on 12/07/2013

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It's sad that you think marriage is just a word. To me (and most people) it's a way of showing your loved ones and the world that you are committed to each other and will stand by each other for the rest of your lives.
To me being engaged is being in a state of permanent limbo, not completely committed but more than just dating.
I agree with Jodi on your counseling issues though, there are a lot more thing that you need to sort out before having children. If you have issues then having a baby multiplies the problems you have. All the little things that you let slip really start to piss you off when you are sleep deprived.
Maybe your fiance is right in not wanting one with you yet.

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Stephani - posted on 12/07/2013

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If it isn't an issue of commitment then he must just not be ready for a kid now. Or if he told you he never wants kids then you won't be able to change his mind.
In the end it is just as much his decision to have a child as it is yours. You should both be ready for it mentally and financially.

If he has his mind made up about waiting then trying to force him into it will only cause problems. It may come down to you deciding if you want to wait and be with him or if you want to look somewhere else for what you want.

Jodi - posted on 12/06/2013

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If marriage is nothing, then why are you even engaged? I don't quite understand the point of calling someone a fiance if you have no intention of marrying. The reason I raised it is because by getting engaged, you clearly intended to get married, but somewhere along the line this has become a sticking point too. Did you not have the discussion about children BEFORE you made a decision to commit to each other in marriage (which is what you did when you got engaged)? This is generally what most people do. This is one of those deal breakers. You want kids now, he doesn't, causes tension.....you won't be together forever if you don't come to some agreement on this.

With regard to your anxiety when you go to counselling, I think maybe you need counselling for this anyway, whatever your personal reasons. You clearly have some issues you need to deal with and if you can't last 10 minutes with a counsellor, you have more issues than wondering when to have a baby with your fiance.

Michelle - posted on 12/06/2013

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We are missing a lot of details. How old are you two and when did you start dating?
Are your finances really as good as you say they are? How much excess money a year do you have? A baby usually costs upwards of 10,000 in the first year and around there after that. It isn't something to jump into without a lot of thought or preparation.
What is both of your net income and total bills?

Are either of you in school and do you have time or means to watch the child every hour of the day? If not are your parents close enough to help watch the child anytime?
What reasons does he give about the situation, you make it sound like he is just selfish and doesn't want one.

How long have you been together? You say you've been waiting 2 and a half years, you must have been together for over 4 or 5 years then right? Has he given you a time frame in which he thinks he will want a kid? If so how long does he want you to wait or did he say he never wants kids?

If you think he will never want a child and you do want a child then you should leave him. If he truly doesn't ever want a child and you do then you need to find someone else. It may be hard to hear that but it is doing neither of you any good going on with it if you both want completely different things.

Jess - posted on 12/06/2013

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marriage has nothing to do with this, marriage ultimately just a word. we both know we want to be together for the rest of our life's so its not a question of commitment. as the third party is brought up, we've tried, i cant be in a counseling environment for more then 10 minutes with out my anxiety taking control due to personal reasons. and none of our friend really under stand our situation, due not having to deal with it themselves.

Michelle - posted on 12/06/2013

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Jodi has hit the nail on the head.
Most people that have been together that long and are "comfortable" with the finances are married.
You may need to make a tough decision though. Maybe go to couples counseling, that way you can bring up your issues with another party there to stop it turning into an argument. Let him know how you feel and what you would like. If you aren't on the same page now then it won't happen in years to come.

Jodi - posted on 12/06/2013

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Have you ever questioned why you aren't married yet? If you have been waiting patiently to discuss having a family for this long, ask yourself why you aren't taking your own relationship to the next level before you bring children into that. It sounds like there is a commitment issue.

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