I went abroad for 4 years and left my son to my parents when I came back he is already 11, I find it difficult to talk to him about serious stuff.. And oh the lying is always there, and the being disrespectful, plus the shouting, he would always provoke me and will end up shouting, and to be honest I don't like it because it's draining me and I am hurting him too,i am trying to keep calm but I find him very difficult sometimes, what should i do?
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Bobbie - posted on 09/23/2012
Realizing that your child is hurt is step one.
Seeing the world through his eyes this is what it probably looks like.
~ what did I do wrong to make my daddy leave (children think everything is there fault)
~ what made my mommy leave me here and not take me with her?
~ I still don't have her to myself, there is another man that she gives her attention to
~ All of a sudden she wants to be a mother to me when she hasn't been there for 4 years
~ I don't want to have changes in my life. She doesn't get to come and go as she pleases
~ I can't trust her with my emotions. She will be off again as soon as decides to go
DON'T TRY TO EXPLAIN TO HIM WHY YOU WEREN'T THERE. IT DOESN'T MATTER TO. HIM WHAT YOU WERE UP TO. TO MOVE FORWARD IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM HE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE REALLY SORRY THAT YOU LEFT HIM BEHIND.
Just make that apology and watch the difference it makes. No "but" in the apology, it will just cancel it out. Say something like...."I am so sorry I left you behind and was I was gone for so long. Can you forgive me" (notice how I didn't try to inject any "I did it for you"
To relate you will need to see that he deserves and requires a great deal of positive attention from you. Take the time to show real interest in him. Touch his back when you talk to him to give him a personal affectionate touch. don't ask anything of him, you have already asked way too much from him emotionally. Let him open up to you. Lastly, bf should be way back on the back burner. Son comes first, last and always. If you are going to come back only to date and act single as if you don't have a child to raise then be kind enough to him to not make him watch
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Bobbie - posted on 09/23/2012
In your response below you stated "I do upset him when I shout and get angry but I do hurt myself too and I'd like it to stop.. =( help "
Can you see how putting the fact that you hurt yourself too kind of diminishes the fact that he is the one getting hurt by you yelling at him? It is time to take yourself and your needs out of the equation when speaking to him. If I am not making myself clear look at this statement I make about my children. "I love my children deeply, but I love myself too" That doesn't sound like I focus on loving my children as much does it? It is all in the words that you use.
I heard a therapist say you do more harm with such remarks than you realize. It is better to say nothing than to use "back hand compliments"
Yelling - That is not okay and comes from your lack of communication and understanding. I say you need to read a book on child care at his age and how to communicate. That 4 years has eroded a lot. It seems to have taken your understanding of his emotional needs and how you are doing a lot more harm to him than you know when you don't accept him and show him the proper way to do things with love, attention and a GENTLE FIRM CONSISTENT REACTION TO HIM.
Oh i have to work abroad, because I am a single parent because his father left us..so I have to work to support him, it's not that I left him on purpose. We are not getting any support from his father and there's not communication bet them. I was thinking maybe he is acting up or something. And now I am about to get married again. My bf and him seems to be getting on well, it's just sometimes it's very difficult to deal with him. Like hygiene for example, he will tell lies, even if it's very easy to say oh I haven't brushed my teeth, or cleaned himself. And when you ask him something nicely his response will be in a not very nice voice like very disrespectful, and sometimes I feel like he is really provoking me to get angry or raise my voice. i find it very difficult to talk to him about his father because when I am explaining things to him it seems like he is not listening, i get very very frustrated. And specially if he did something and you tell him that its not right to do that he wouldn't reply to me and instead keep quiet.. Like it seems like he is putting a wall between us and It just upsets me so much.. Or is he approaching the puberty thats why this is all happening I don't know. I do upset him when I shout and get angry but I do hurt myself too and I'd like it to stop.. =( help
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