I wish my husband would work on being a better step father

Monica - posted on 11/13/2013 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I've been with my husband for 2 1/2 years, married for one. We are both 25 years old and have children from previous relationships. He has 2 boys 6,3 and I have a 5 yr old daughter who hasn't seen her dad in months and before that for almost 2 years. We just had a son together who's one month old.

Making a blended family work is harder than I thought. I strive to treat our children fairly and to show them all love. That isn't the case for my husband. We get his boys on the weekends and my daughter full time. On the weekends when my hubby gets home from work he will go say goodnight to the kids if they are already in bed or he will be the one to tuck them in. However during the week when he comes home he doesn't even say hi to my daughter or ask how school was, it's like she doesn't exist. He doesnt go say hi if she is already in bed or go tuck her in. If he gets home at 7 the first thing he will say to my daughter at 8 pm is, "hey isn't it your bedtime now" get to bed"

There is a huge distance between them that wasn't there before we got married. He used to be so loving and playful towards her. My daughter is very active like most kids, he makes comments all the time about her not being "normal" because she can't sit still or she is always moving around... It's not normal for 5 year old to sit still and be quiet, am I right? He also makes comments about her being half mixed race of Hispanic and its getting out of hand. She is a you g child, my child and I'm so tired of his unfair actions and comments.

When his boys are here he lets everything they do slide, yet she can do the same thing and he is furious and calls her out immediately.

When it's dinner time we ask the kids to focus on eating and not chatting or they will be at the table for an hour. When the boys are here he will say like "hey buddy time to eat your dinner" but when my daughter talks at the table when it's us 3 he has yelled at her to be quiet and eat!... The way he talks to his boys and my girl is very very different and I think she can tell. I do not want to be with someone who makes my daughter feel unwanted and unloved because she deserves better!

At times I feel like he truly doesn't like her, yet he says he loves her. He is always on edge and short with her and I do not understand why. I treat all of our children the same and love them all.

Please help with some advice. I've mentioned councling but he won't go. He is not sincere to my feeling and my love for my daughter. He has said before that if I think he isn't a good Enough step dad or if I feel he treats her badly to go and find someone else.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/13/2013

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Family counseling, with emphasis on blended families is a must.

If he doesn't think so, then you know that he isn't the man you thought he was, and he was just putting on a front for you.

Have you explained to him how important it is to you? He sounds like an asshole to me, with comments like "if you don't think I'm good enough, go find someone else".

IMHO, he's NOT good enough to be around your blessing, and he's going to eventually demonstrate the same behaviour towards his kids as well. Personally, I'd have not gotten involved without him submitting to family counseling, but I'm not you.

My opinion? if he won't do counseling, show him the door. Your daughter needs you in your corner more than you need him in your life. Trust me.

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LalaBoom - posted on 11/15/2013

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Your husband has essentially told you that your daughter is a nobody in his eyes.

No further explanation needed. Take your daughter and find someone else who can at the very least have some common decency.

I was inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt (new bio baby so emotions are stronger, she's a little girl and he's a man so maybe that explains the bedroom situation, etc), but after reading the entire post: Nope. I have no doubt if you continue in this situation, you'll have bigger fish to fry as she grows up and becomes more aware of her surrounding.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/14/2013

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First of all, he should NOT be disciplining her if he has no desire to connect with her as his daughter.

He married you so he could have convenient sex when he wanted it, and most likely someone to do his laundry, cleaning and cooking. He did not marry you so that he could be a father to your daughter. He admitted that.

Were I in your situation, it would be counseling or the door.

LaChaven - posted on 11/13/2013

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Its not worth it.... I dont know ur situation but just by that I married u not ur daughter says nothing will change... n thats wrong in every way... at the end of the day when he marries you he commits to being a father not a step father.... personal you baby girl will pick up on how she is treated by him quick and it can go either way... she will get distant from him n that will cause more problems in the relationship. But u still have the chance of her getting distant from you as well. PERSONAL OPINION for ur daughter sake let it go he will not change...

Monica - posted on 11/13/2013

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Thank you for your comments. I haven't given him an ultimatum for staying married and counseling or leave but I have mentioned it several times. He said he won't go when I had mentioned it.

When I have talked to him about my daughter he has said " I married you for you, not your daughter" in ways that does make sense but seems so hateful to even think that way. Something is wrong in our relationship/marriage when our biggest issue is my daughter. Really, the only time we argue is about her and I'm always defending her. Of course, she is my baby girl. I expect her to respect me and her step father but my bug question is, if she can sense his negativity wouldn't that make her want to be distant from him? He is always just the discipliner and needs to be more loving as he is to his kids.

LaChaven - posted on 11/13/2013

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I had that same problem with my boyfriend.... we have a 7 month old together n I have a 3yr old son from previous relationship.... talk to him bout it... if u really love this guy keep pressing the issue with him, tell him how u feel and how u want him to treat her like his own.... also encourage her to speak to him. Encourage him to go talk to her.... even though it might suck but ask him he can speak to her or ask her bout her day.... if he means that much to you. If not move on cause thats not right....

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