I would appreciate some understandment

La - posted on 01/30/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hello to all of moms out there,
My name is Lataie and I am a 24 yr old that is in a relationship with a man that has a beautiful 6yr old daughter. I am a kind and respectful person that pretty much tries to keep peace with my surroundings. I always cared for children because I had my fair share in helping others raise or babysit when times are hard. That's just a little about me :)
My reason for joining was simple, I am trying to keep my sanity and stay positive as a stepmother or supporter. My man and I have basically been together for almost 4yrs now and as some relationships with a child by another lady goes, there is misunderstandments,ups and downs. The mother of my man's daughter was basically horrible to deal with in the beginning (I always figured she must have wanted things to work out but her actions were the wrong way to prove it). One thing led to another that she went off the deep end at one point (the daughter was about to turn 3) and with held vistation from the father for a year of his daughter's life. It was a rough year trying to set things right with finding a good lawyer. Finally after things where straitened out we all got together (father,mother, stepfather, and myself) and talked it out with a mediator to conclude we are all a part of her life and a joint custody agreement. My man little girl was already 4 1/2 yrs old when we started the reconnection. His daughter basically was as we remember her: silly, sweet, and a girlie girl. The sad part about it for me though was even though this could have been prevented, the mother is still acting up sometimes like she owns the daughter as a pawn. I know the mother can be a good person and I believe she doesnt mean to be this heartless but just does it because she thinks she can. She currently has two daughters now (one with the man she's with) and I figured it would be easy on her for us to spend time with my man's daughter while they do what they need to or take care of their new toddler but it wasnt that way. My man has a honest daughter and I don't know how honest she is to everybody else but she tends to tell me things that concern me and kind of puts my mind in thoughts. When the story came up of her dad the daughter basically told us that her mom said she cant call him dad because her mom said he wasnt ther for her when she was small (yet he drove her mom to the hospital and was there for her throughout her infant yrs). That brought tears, but rather than fight fire with fire my man told his daughter idk why your mom would say that I wish she was nice to me. His daughter then hugged him and told him not to cry. I don't know what to do because his daughter talks to me about her cousins bullying her and pulling her hair.I tell her to tell your mama you getting picked on so she can talk to your auntie about it. His daughter tells us she wants to stay over and wishes we could pick her up and drop her off at school sometimes. She wishes we could go to her school events but all we keep telling her is to talk to your mommy first or what does your mom say but she forever tells us that her mom says she cant stay over or not to ask. When we drop her off she says Ill miss u guys or i wish the day was longer. It's kind of mixed emotions for me because when that time comes her mom has to accept the agreement made on the parental agreement and Idk how she is going to be. I don't know both sides of the story of what went wrong in their relationship but don't care because it's the past and they both moved on. I just always hope that is will work out and that the mother will grow out of the resentment she has for her 6 yr olds father because she is blessed with another beautiful daughter with another man that seems to care about her and the girls. I know that how my man's daughter is being raised by himself and the mother is none of my business thats why I don't speak my mind to him about it. But I have so many questions in my head for you mothers as a way of easing my mind and finding the right support. How long did it take for any of you single mothers to tell your child about the father? Do you think it was right of the mother to tell the story this way? Should I be concerned that the daughter is honest with me about what goes on? How do some of you handle the stress of another living person being difficult when you just want the best for the child? I would appreciate any good feedback or understandment to why she might still be acting this way because its kind of stressful keeping this to myself and its hard trying to keep peaceful when a child is trying to love both parents but one parent is making it difficult. I wish all of you mothers out there the best and always continue to put your babies first, keep up the hard work :)

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Dove - posted on 01/30/2013

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*His daughter tells us she wants to stay over and wishes we could pick her up and drop her off at school sometimes. She wishes we could go to her school events

If he has a joint custody agreement.... there is no reason in the world why he can't do these things. If for some reason he isn't.... he either needs to just go ahead and do them or go back to court to get it specified that he can do them.

*all we keep telling her is to talk to your mommy first or what does your mom say but she forever tells us that her mom says she cant stay over or not to ask.

That is you guys putting the child in the middle just as much as she is doing. Stop it. She is 6. It's not up to her to ask her mom about visitation issues. That is for bio father and bio mother to work out together or take to court. You tell the child that you all are following the court order and that's that.

No one here can determine why bio mom does or does not do things. Your job is to love and support your husband's decisions and to love and care for your stepdaughter when she is with you. If the daughter is telling you things that concern you... talk to your husband and see what, if anything, he wants to do about it.

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La - posted on 01/31/2013

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Hello Dove,
First off, I appreciate your thoughts and comment on the situation. Yes there is no reason for him to not do those things but like you have said respect the descions he makes. I guess I didn't clarify enough but we are waiting for the mother to come arnd and be comfortable for us to earn trust that the daughter clearly has for us...when my husband asked she got offensive and assumed we were trying to take away her daughter from her when we just want time with her to reconnect and be there for her as well.I can't suggest to my man to go back to court and say that she is not obeying the order because that's his business like you stated. I have to be supportive even though he let's her treat him that way. I feel like he limits his rights because he knows good fathers who have been in a situation like this and the female gets away with it. I just make sure that he keeps track of the times when she feels like being the villian. So that explains the second when we ask her to tell her mom about it. But after reading your comment I didn't realize the strain we might be doing as well so again thank you for putting that in, I will restrain from commenting back about that to the child and just maybe tell her "don't worry it will happen" instead of us telling her to talk with her mother because your right, the mom and father handles that and eventualy the mother has to come arnd because she shares a daughter with my husband not just her daughter that she made on her own.I kind of don't knw hw to bring up the touchy subject about the concerns I have with the daughter telling me things because I dnt want to start drama between the two. My man is trying to be peaceful so I enjoy what time we have with his daughter. I hope that any suggestions you or other mothers might have to being a good steppmother or as her mother puts it a good friend to this little girl, I realy would appreciate it .like I said, I joined to look for understandment and some support so I remain in my lane. Its hard dealing with a situation like this but I love my man and his daughter. Some wld just leave and not deal with the stress that comes with a difficult mother but I have me a gd small family when were together.

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