I would love to see my Grandson who is now 12 week old.

Patricia - posted on 10/07/2009 ( 46 moms have responded )

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We live 6 hours away and I am willing to drive there but the Mom can give me all kinds of excuses why I can't go to visit my grandson. If I have done something to offend her I wish she would tell me. As a grandma this just breaks my heart, I have lived my life for my children and looked so forward to having grandchildren to love and care for. I have only seen my grandson 3 times 2 of those times where for only about an hour. Please give me your opinions.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Crissy - posted on 11/06/2009

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just thought i would add another thing about all these women suggesting the Grandparents Right Law... you make me sick how dare you. and if you are the type of person to do that then you have no right to see those kids.



being a grandparent is a privilage not a right

Cyndi - posted on 10/08/2009

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Quoting Jill:

Remember how difficult it can be for first time Mums. You may not intend to, however mother inlaws (grandparents) can be threatening, intimidating and judgmental. You don't mean to have this affect, but new Mums put enough pressure on themselves, the last thing the need is someone who has done it all before and assumes trust should be given with the baby - when it really should be earned.
Sorry if I am being too direct - just trying to help you see the other side of things to then better communicate with your daughter inlaw.
Perhaps just ask of how you can assist the Mum when you visit, instead of expecting baby sitting time. Eventually she will learn to trust you and then comes the dependency of needing you around more. This will take time remember!
Goodluck.

P.S. Little tip - things of this generation have changed from when you raised children 30+ years ago. Us new Mums have alot more knowledge and education provided to us. We like to learn things for ourselves and experience motherhood through our own eyes. We will ask for help and advice when we want and need it - please don't insist on giving it or comparing now to 30+ years ago, or how things were with your son.



that was helpful for me to hear!  made me feel less guilty for my feelings after having baby girl

Jill - posted on 10/08/2009

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Remember how difficult it can be for first time Mums. You may not intend to, however mother inlaws (grandparents) can be threatening, intimidating and judgmental. You don't mean to have this affect, but new Mums put enough pressure on themselves, the last thing the need is someone who has done it all before and assumes trust should be given with the baby - when it really should be earned.
Sorry if I am being too direct - just trying to help you see the other side of things to then better communicate with your daughter inlaw.
Perhaps just ask of how you can assist the Mum when you visit, instead of expecting baby sitting time. Eventually she will learn to trust you and then comes the dependency of needing you around more. This will take time remember!
Goodluck.

P.S. Little tip - things of this generation have changed from when you raised children 30+ years ago. Us new Mums have alot more knowledge and education provided to us. We like to learn things for ourselves and experience motherhood through our own eyes. We will ask for help and advice when we want and need it - please don't insist on giving it or comparing now to 30+ years ago, or how things were with your son.

Cynthia - posted on 10/07/2009

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Oh if my MIL just showed up demanding her right to see my daughter Id love to get nasty so do not do that!

Teresa - posted on 10/08/2009

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I would not just show up. Everyone is different. When i saw that you already saw him 3 times, I thought that was alot, remember, you are not the only one dropping by to see the new baby, the first few weeks are exhausting not only from being a new parent, but all the guests that want to see the little one. It may also be that the new family is trying to get used to each other, so give her time. It's all new from her perspective too. I loved having time alone with my kids, so it may not be anything personal.



Now that being said, if there were issues before, then they need to be worked out.

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Hattie - posted on 11/30/2012

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Whilst your love of your new grandchild is admirable, you are not thinking of the new mother at all here. With a 3 month old baby, her sleep is fractured, shes still getting used to having a child that changes every day, and her life has turned upside down. Please just wait and give her time to bond with her baby. By writing, how would that help the new mom? Unless of course, your letter says simply , let me know how i can help. Dont place any pressure on the new mother. Your expectations are different to what is actually happening. So my advice would be , stop having expectations. Let your son and daughter in law know you can help. When you visited the other times, did you help out, or did you just try and cuddle the baby? Understandable , but did your children have to cater for you as a guest when perhaps you could have helped them instead. Eg offer to shop for them, clean and wash clothes, etc. i would try and stay positive, keep fit and happy and relax. There is plenty of time to get to know your grandchild, but at 3 months its more important that the new mom gets to know the baby, not you.



Good luck. There will be cuddles if you relax

Sonia - posted on 11/10/2009

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Give her a call and try and hash things out. I love my son spending time with his grandparents.

Robin - posted on 11/07/2009

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Communicate with your daughter, for she is that now. Tell her how you feel and just straight up ask her what the problem is. There may not be a problem, she just may be overwhelmed with all the newness of the situation. Try to be patient and understanding...remember when you were a "new" mom. I have 5 grands and have not ever seen two of them because we live so far away. It is difficult!

Bonnie - posted on 11/07/2009

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Don't mean to offend anyone with the grandparents rights issue, but it exsist, and I'm sure if sometimes helpful. Being a mom does not make you a good parent and there have probably been grandparents that stepped in and make the kid's life better or God forbid mom and die die in an accident, who takes care of the kids? It is just in the post as a last resort type decision and to be use with extreme caution. It'd probably be could to talk to a counsler before considering this because of how many people would be affected. I'd never do anything to hurt my children or grandchildren (someday), but who knows what the future holds. We have very good relationships so I don't think this will ever be a problem that I would have to deal with. 3 mths is definately too soon to think about that. There are so many emotions and your hormones can be off for a long time, especially if you nurse. Some people get depression, which can last a long time. You never know what someone is going through. Just keep trying to talk to them, but probably don't call everyday, that could be the problem. I still like the plan a trip to the area and try to get them to join you for lunch, but if not, that's okay, give it more time. She could even just be terrified that the baby will get sick by being out or around other people. Best of luck.

Bonnie - posted on 11/06/2009

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See is you can get an answer out of your son, if he's not sure, ask her, of plan something to do nearby and call when you are there and ask if you can come see if or take them out for lunch or something. If it was really, really bad, Grandparents do have right, although it would probably destroy other relationships, but no one is going to tell me I cannot see my grandkids when the day comes. I'd sue if it was my last option, but I would be careful with that too, you don't want to hurt the kids in it either. I know he won't know yet, at 12 weeks, but you'd have to set up visitations this way and he'd know later. Just saying, I look forward to it someday and it would break my heart not to be in my grandkids life. 12 weeks is about the time they start interacting with you though so right now they may be going through some changes.

Robbie - posted on 10/22/2009

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Many daughter-in-laws are like this with their mother-in-laws. I do not get it but I hear my friends complain about their MIL's constantly. My husband was orphaned as an infant and I would give anything to have a MIL and another grandmother for my children. I think you should speak directly to her and tell her your feelings or you could try talking to your son and see if he knows what is going on. But be forewarned, she may feel attacked and react badly. Choose your words carefully.

Venessa - posted on 10/22/2009

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I would tread very carefully. Phone and say you'd like to visit or ask them would they like to visit you. Do not show up or demand rights etc. At the moment she's probably just very hormonal, hyper sensitive, exhausted and any little thing could be blown completely out of proportion right now. She will relax control when she gets used to her new role.

Diana - posted on 10/12/2009

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Quoting Jennifer:

Maybe you could just flat out ask her if something happened that may have offended her....the best way to deal with something is head on. Have you had issues in the past ? Ask you son ?
I know that for me the 1st few months were really hard and all I wanted was to get to know my child.....that isn't an excuse, you have a right to see your grandchild !


 

Bonnie - posted on 10/12/2009

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I don't know what it could be. I"m not particularly found of my MIL, but the kids are so she's over more than I'd like but I'd never tell her "NO" You should talk to her or your son to see whats really going on. Best of Luck

Vicci - posted on 10/12/2009

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Hi Patricia, first of all its really nice to hear you want to see your grandson. I moved awya from my perants a few months ago with my daughter so they dont get to see her much, I think maybe you should write her a letter asking if you have done something to offend her adn ask her why it is she makes excuses for you not to see your grandson, im guessing it was your son who fathered the baby is she still with him if not then maybe thats the reason. If nothing comes of the letter then i would advise you to see a laywer ask then wheather you have rights as a grandmother (only as a last resort tho) wish you all the very best.

Cindy - posted on 10/12/2009

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THIS IS A HARD 1... My mother inlaw & i got on so well b4 we had our baby then every thing changed... i feel u should just ask her if u can come for the wk end if shes busy have a back up plane 4 every time shes busy just keep going down the calender till she;s 3... this has to b addressd u need a family talk some thing has upset and it needs to b sorted.. Yr the bubs nan the bubs needs u U NEED TO TALK B4 IT GO'S TO FARE TRUST ME

Crissy - posted on 10/12/2009

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im not being mean but please leave her alone, i am going through this at the moment except i have had to tell MIL she is allowed nothing to do with my baby i have good reasons for this.....she will come to you when she is ready, dont stress her out as this will push her further and further away

Terri - posted on 10/11/2009

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My MIL used to try to take over whenever she would come around when my girls were little. It would really hurt my feelings and make me defensive,I would avoid her as much as possible. She was probley trying to be helpful,but made me feel like a horrible mother and was doing everything wrong. We finally had a big blow out,she said she didn't realize what she was doing.Afterwards our relationship got better. I would ask her if you may have accidently stepped on some toes. Even though your an experienced Mom wat for her to ask for advice,don't just give it.

[deleted account]

Ask her why she seems to be avoiding her bub seeing you or have a quiet word with your son and see if he knows what the story is. Its difficult but then my Mum just called me one day (after having only slightly more contact with my daughter than you have had with bub) and told me that they wanted a designated day with her and that I was to go away for the time they were together - not tactful but it worked for us. The in-laws are a bit more suggestive than demanding and they dont have a regular time with her because the best time for them are the worst times for me (e.g. when we have mothers group) so it may not be personal and just needs some talking through. Good Luck :)

[deleted account]

Why don't you use Skype (video calling)? It's free. You'll be able to see you grandchild and get your fix without having to travel for hours and be in their space. My son loves seeing his Grandad (who's overseas) and it maintains their relationship. Keep it friendly and light so when you do go to see them it'll be easier. Good luck x

Beth - posted on 10/10/2009

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Kamber, I guess the question would be why they felt the HAD to use the Grandparents rights act to see their grandchildren. My MIL and I have ALOT of differences in how we see child rearing and such and in the beginning her demanding that I put the baby down so I could eat and such was highly annoying. But most Grandparents want the absolute best for their grandkids even if how they approach it is different from you. As long as there are no safetly concerns (and by safety I mean life and death not screwing up you carefully planned nap schedule) kids need their grandparents. Please don't be so selfish as to deny them that relationship, even if it means you have to spend some time hanging out with someone whos company you don't enjoy. My grandparents died when I was 4 and I have spent my whole life being jealous of those who had that sense of family and support.

Kamber - posted on 10/09/2009

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Patricia,

As a mom that had her partens use the "Grandp parents Act" against her can I just ask you t oplease DO NOT TAKE THAT ADVISE! Each state has a different version of hte law but you may not even be able to use this to see the grandchild if you have never been a primary care giver for any amount of time. Additionally when this was done to me I stopped talking to my partents for 8 years. The damage will never go away the bad feelins have fadded but it still hurts that they took the action. They ended up with visitations with my kids, but nothign with me! That is a big cost in my opinion!

I do agree with Jill about mom's today. I personally hate taking much from anyone that hasn't given me a chance to tell them how I feel or view things. You do need to get in touch with her and open a dialog. Going through your son could place him in the middle and that is unfair to him.

Take this slow, I know the time seems like forever but you have much more in the future to enjoy once things are settled.

Wendy - posted on 10/09/2009

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My oldest daughter doesn't allow me to see my grand children. She did this before my grand daughter was born then changed her mind saying my grand daughter needed her grandmother, my grand daughter was then 9 mo old. Sadly, she has done this again, now I also have a grandson that I am also not allowed to see. There is no valid reason given for this from either my daughter or my son-in-law. I do think it is a form of control. For months prior to my grandson's birth, (it is my grandson's 1st birthday today) until this summer I was constantly at my daughter and/or SIL's beckon call. I was asked to move in with them following surgery my daughter had. I always had a thought that I had better use my time well with my beautiful grandchildren because I felt at anytime that time would end, and it did. I have talked to both my daughter and SNL neither gave me a reason other to believe I was used and now they are done with me. I would advise anyone to NOT show up un-announced. I know my daughter/SNL would call the police. As for presents etc.; like another grandmother on here said "keep your cards/presents and some day when that grandchild looks up their grandparent(s) give those children everything you saved in a box for them". Legally, yes we do have grandparent rights, but no money for an attorney. Good luck.

[deleted account]

My question to you is... how were things before your grandson was born? My mother in law lives very close to me and doesn't bother much to see her 3 grandsons. I commend you on attempting to see your grandson, but what does your son say? I would talk to both of them and see if maybe she's having problems, or maybe she doesn't want anyone's views pushed on her. It will be best to talk to both, not just your son, things get misconveyed and it makes it worse.

Zheny - posted on 10/08/2009

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Have you had issues in the past? You can come to thier place and talk. Open your heart to her, i think she only misundestood of what you have done to her. And also, its the baby your visiting, tell your son about it, if theres any problem between his wife and you, he should have plan on how to solve it.Try to talk to him, and open your request.

[deleted account]

Most states have some form of a law call Grandparents Rights. You have a right to see your grandchildren as long as the parents can not prove that the grandparent had anything to do with any kind of harm to the child. They have to let you see him. I'd ask a lawyer about it, just to find out more.

Carol - posted on 10/08/2009

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I would simply call your son and tell him that you are planning to come for a visit, in the next few weeks, give him a couple of dates and ask him to talk it over with her, and see which one fits with their schedule..that way you are putting the ball in their court and they are making the decision for the visit...You do not want to put your son in the middle of anything, but this might break the ice and take the pressure off of all of you...good luck, with everything...

Nadine - posted on 10/08/2009

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I have a MIL that I had a lot of problems with when her son and I first got together, but had worked things out but I know she is very over bearing when it comes to her sons life and so was worried about her doing that with our daughter. When I was pregnant her son talked to her and explained the whole we were the parents we would make the rules and if we needed help we would ask. She said she agreed and would stand back and just enjoy her. That was untill she came home then every time we saw her she went on and on about what I should be doing and how I should be doing it. Never wanted to wait for the baby to wake up to hold her always wanted me to wake her up so she could play with her then couldn't understand why the baby would start crying withing 5 minutes and wouldn't stop till I took her back so I started limiting her coming over. I wasnt trying to be mean but it was getting exhausting for not only me but my daughter. Now I'm not saying your like that but obviously something is going on and needs to be worked out. I saw that a few people have said just show up I would NOT do that it will only make whatever is going on worse. Plus if you start just showing up even if she puts on a smile when you leave it could cause fights between your son and dil and you don't want to add to their stress. Talk to you son first and have him talk to her and go from there. Also as far as I know in the U.S. grandparents can only fight for custody if the parents lose it or the grandparents think the parents are bad and want custody I wouldnt recommend taking them to court unless you think they arent good parents and want full custody because you risk makeing them both mad and never getting to see the grandchild again. Good luck

Beth - posted on 10/08/2009

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I don't know what I would do if I suddenly couldn't see my grandson,which I know will never happen because my son has him every weekend and I think that is great.



Like one poster mentioned about Grandparents Rights,I think maybe you can take those steps to ensure that you can see your grandchild.But.................

First call her,speak to her and flat out ask her what the problem is and why you can't see your grandbaby and then if that doesn't work then the next step would be to go the legal way and enforce your right as the grandmother to see him.



Good luck hun and I hope you get to see your grandson really soon.

User - posted on 10/08/2009

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I agree, writing a letter to her, your son, and even the grandkids. Make them all personal and tell her that you are so desperate for contact you would do the letter thing and then ease into visits if she can't do more. Some Moms get carzy about MIL coming over. I was, I admit it. Hormones or something. That would be my suggestion, not having known the past history. Head on, yes, too harsh, NO.

Maggie - posted on 10/08/2009

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ask your son if there's something going on. He'll be more likely to tell you and try to resolve it because he probably wants his son to have a relationship with you. Tell him you can stay in a hotel if staying at the house is a burden on them. I would NOT just show up. That's pushy and she might just tell you to leave, then you've driven 6 hours for nothing. What are her excuses? I'd be very interested to know. I limited visitors for the first few weeks but I let the grandparents come as often as they wanted. At 12 weeks there should be really no reason to limit visits in my opinion.

Jackie - posted on 10/08/2009

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I would just show up. If the house is a wreak don't judge!! Be helpful but not harmful. So if you do the dishes.. just do them with a smile and don't offer any advice on how she can fit in time to get the dishes done or when she should do them or anything like that. Spend time with her and not just the baby. Remember they might have joined your family but you are joining theirs when you walk through their front door. Its their rules and their home/family. So you need to respect that. If they are laid back you be laid back. If she is uptight about everything having a spot then you need to be mindful that you listen to where she wants it not where you think it should be. Its hard for daughters to be mothers and still a daughter. Its even harder for us to be a daughter inlaw while being a mother and a daughter too. Help her find the balance without making her uncomfortable or angry.

Kathleen - posted on 10/08/2009

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Dont rush it. There is lots of time to see him. Take your time and maybe they aren't excuses. New moms are busy moms. The first few weeks are the worst and the best. Just try offering to help if she needs anything and let her know you would like to come see him. If this is her first she is probably still trying to find her place as a new mom. Goodluck and just take your time. Maybe try talking to your son about it.

Danielle - posted on 10/07/2009

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I would make pick a weekend maybe a Saturday and just drive over there. I would call on the way and be like Surprise!! were gonna come see you for a few hours. Maybe bring sme dinner, maybe play cards when you get there. I would just surprise them. I am 20 years ld and my family lives close, but sometimes they just show up out of the blue. I am not rude to my FIL, or MIL, when they do this.

Brandy - posted on 10/07/2009

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I don't know where you live, but in Canada, we have something called the Grandparents Act that has laws that assure that the grandchildren are allowed to see their grandparents and in some situations ( usually where the parent on that side of the family doesn't want custody or can't for some reason) they even give the grandparent partial custody. Definately talk to her first and see if there is some sort of issue that can be resolved but if she won't cooperate look into the laws for grandparents in your area.

Jacqueline - posted on 10/07/2009

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You call her "the Mom" in your post instead of your daughter in law... so that might be part of the issue. Just because your DIL had a baby with your son doesn't make previous issues go away. I imagine there are many other issues between her and yourself and even your son long before the baby came.

First you need to work it out with your DIL and maybe spend some time with her... not just make it all about the baby. The more you make an effort with her the more she'll want you to be around her... which means you will get to see the baby as much as you want.

Liz - posted on 10/07/2009

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Have you asked her if there's a reason why? Don't know anything about her or the situation. Maybe it's not even you. Could be post partum, a bad experience with her own grandparents growing up, or even that she is breastfeeding and very shy about it. Or maybe the excuse are really valid and she's just having trouble juggling normal life and her first baby. Don't know until you ask. As a new grandma I feel for you hon. One of my new grandbabies I have only seen twice. The mother lives with her parents and they don't like my son. Don't even want him in their home so she has to take the baby to her sisters so he can spend the day with them. Sometimes you just have to wait it out I guess. Here's hoping things get better for the both of us. Good luck.

Jessica - posted on 10/07/2009

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well you need to ask her if you have done anything to offend her! And if she say's no what i would do was go anyway.. Don't tell her your on your way bring a gift or something... So I am guessing this is your son's child if so i would for sure talk to him about it.. Trust me she is going to break and she is will need someone there before she pulls out her hair cause it's alot of stress dealing with a baby.. Dont let her get in the way of seeing your grandchild... If you have done nothing wrong then that is just ridiculous of her!!

Sharon - posted on 10/07/2009

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Maybe the house is a wreck and she's afraid to have the MIL over?

Cassie - posted on 10/07/2009

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Maybe she is just feeling overwhelmed with everything and doesn't want the added stress of having others over. I know when people come over I need to have my house clean and when I got hom from the hospital I didn't let anyone come over cuz I didn't have the umf to clean. Try and call or white her and tell her how your feeling and maybe reassure her that you don't care what the house looks like and that you might even help clean, do laundry and cook if she needs help. Good Luck.

Cynthia - posted on 10/07/2009

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she may just need time with him alone he is getting to a good age where he is fun to play with so just give her time. *hugs*

Candice - posted on 10/07/2009

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Well that is messed up i want my kids to b in there grandparents life but there not willing to travel but if i was u i wold just show uo when u no she is home with the baby u have rights to as a grandparent and i think u should act on them

Marcy - posted on 10/07/2009

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Patricia-
Maybe you should write her a letter. Sometimes its really hard to try and figure things out verbally and its much easier to write them down. My mom lives 3000 miles from us and I would give my left arm to have 6 hours away. If you have had a strained relationship with your DIL before the baby then you need to address that. It just seems weird to me that she is "offering excuses". Sounds like there is a control issue going on here. Good luck!

Jennifer - posted on 10/07/2009

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Maybe you could just flat out ask her if something happened that may have offended her....the best way to deal with something is head on. Have you had issues in the past ? Ask you son ?

I know that for me the 1st few months were really hard and all I wanted was to get to know my child.....that isn't an excuse, you have a right to see your grandchild !

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