Ideas on how to make your partner more comfortable about the pregnancy?

Cherrian - posted on 04/09/2011 ( 25 moms have responded )

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When i found out I was pregnant my bf freaked out now when I mean freaked out I mean cussed me out called me names and made me sleep on the couch. Since then he has calmed down a little bit. But things still aren't the same since we found out. I am not sure what to do anymore. I was told by the dr that if the stress i was carrying didn't lessen and I didn't change things I would loose the baby. They gave me some suggestions about how to relive stress and the one way they suggested my bf wont even give me (sex). He thinks that he is going to hurt the baby if we do. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to explain to him that he wont hurt the baby? Its kind of a weird subject but I have no idea any more I've tried just about everything I know. Any ideas or help would be much appreciated. Thank you.

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Annette - posted on 04/09/2011

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i just read your other post.. sunshine.. people will treat you the way you let them. if he is already texting other girls ... you will be a single mom.. if you decide to abort (not suggested) you will end up single without being a mom.. from what you have described if you dont go to counceling now and get some serious help for your relationship it will not work out.. so now you have to decide what is best for you. i would think of your bf as a bonus... you live your life and get yourself together.. if he hops on bored bonus!! if he doesnt you prepared yourself to be without him and you wont be affected much.

Annette - posted on 04/09/2011

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cheri i dont know how old you are but, is certainly does not sound like you are in a loving relationship. he cussed you out and made you sleep on the couch.. who does that to the mother of his chilren? now he gives no affection and makes you feel fat.. his only job (after impregnating you) it to be there in in way shape or form for you. for your comfort physcally, emotionally, spirtualy, econmicly.. (my spelling sucks sorry). anyway.. at this point the only thing i would suggest is couples counceling. and if he refuses to go or to participate then you have a more important question to ask yourself. do you want your baby to grow up learning that daddy is not there for mommy, that daddy does not care about the welbeing of its mother. and you need to hope that what ever resentment he is projecting on you he doesnt project onto your child.

Sarah - posted on 04/10/2011

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I'm not trying to be nasty, but honestly, you'd be better off without him. Any man that would disresepct you like that when you are pregnant with his child is Not someone you should have in your life. He sounds like an incredibly cruel, selfish, childish jerk. He has no respect for you if he thinks it's your "fault" you are pregnant (not like you can do it by yourself!). I am stunned that you even want to have sex with him. If my husband treated me like that he'd find every bit of his shit packed and outside when he came home. The baby in me is Our responsibility and if wants to cuss somebody about it, try looking in a mirror. He certainly wasn't saying "no" when we were doing the making, if you know what I'm saying.
I know that's not really your question, but I felt like it needed to be addressed only b/c IMO if you let this go on, it willl only get worse. In your state, he should be waiting on you and doing anything he can to make you feel loved, secure and to be making your baby feel wanted. If he can't do that, he's no kinda man. period.

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You may not WANT to let him go, but if he's going out w/ other girls while he's still 'with' you.... he's already gone. If he's going out w/ other girls, he's probably having sex w/ other girls which means he could end up getting a fatal STD and passing it on to you. Then where will your baby be?



I don't mean to be harsh cuz I know you're having a rough time of it, but you deserve to be treated better and your child deserves to be treated better. Only YOU can make that happen though. If your baby is a girl.... do you want her thinking it is ok to be treated the way your boyfriend treats you? If it's a boy.... will you be happy w/ HIM treating his future girlfriend the way you get treated?



I know this is a stressful time for you, but you CAN do it and you WILL be ok.

Sarah - posted on 04/11/2011

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Cherrian- you are doing the right thing! I know it is hard, and scary and it will be lonely. But, you're a mom now and the most important thing is your baby. And that means making hard decisions for the best interest of the child. I am so sorry that this is happening while you're pregnant and with your first baby too. However, I know you can do it! We moms are way tougher than even we think we are. You are setting a Wonderful example for your baby by being strong enough to demand respect, honesty, integrity and love in your relationships. Any child who sees it's mother is strong enough to do that will repeat that behavior in their own life and really, isn't that what you want for the baby??
I hope you weren't hurt in the accident! Stay calm and Carry on!

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Jenni - posted on 04/11/2011

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Wow. Hun, don't be a doormat. Walk out the door and don't look back. Find the strength in yourself to say I deserve to be LOVED and my unborn child deserves to be LOVED. What you've described is not LOVE. It sounds to me he's already moved on and you have no other choice but to let go. I can imagine how tough it is to go it on your own. Turn to family if you can for support.



If you're looking for LOVE in your life. You have that now! Your future child! That is all the love you need. Trust me. When that baby comes into this world and you hold him/her for the first time, gaze into their eyes. You will know that that is all the love you need. No relationship will ever compare to the love you feel for your child. Hell, I'll be the first to admit I love my children 100x more than my husband. He knows that too and isn't hurt at all by it. He wants me to love them more than him.



If he doesn't want to be in your child's life, don't force it. Leave all contact up to him. He'll have nobody to blame but himself for not being involved. If you need help financially to support your child he IS responsible for that. But you can't make him be involved if he doesn't want to. Don't make up excuses for him like his PTSD. Your baby doesn't need a half-assed dad. He should only be there if he actually wants to be there not because he's being forced. It's his loss. If you stay strong and learn to love yourself way more than any man. Someday you will find a father for your child. One that loves you and that child and respects the both of you. One that wants to be there for you and support you.



I wish both of you the best of luck. Be strong! Imagine yourself as a big mama bear who will tear anyone to shreds who tries to emotionally harm you and as a consequence physically harm your unborn child.

JuLeah - posted on 04/11/2011

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He cussed you, called you names, and made you sleep on the couch? This is how he deals with news? This is his maturity level? To strike out, to throw tantrums, to hurt you?
You have a really big problem. You are choosing to have a baby with someone who is abusive.
It is not your job to 'make him comfortable' with this. A man would have heard the news, supported you, then gone to find his best friend or his father and freaked out there ... A man would be educating himself about what to expect. A man would be seeking ways to make himself comfortable with all of this.
You need to make some hard choices. Take care of you and your child, or continue to cater to this fellow who tells you with his actions that he cares nothing for you.
I hope you have family support. If not, seek out friends and community. This kind of abuse never gets better on its own, only worse. So, now, while you still carry the baby inside and have two free hands, take action.

Tina - posted on 04/11/2011

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As difficult as it is you're doing the right thing both for yourself and for your child. The main thing you need to focus on is you and your child. You don't need to be worrying about him when you have a little baby to look after. Just be sure you have a close friend or relative to support you through the birth and at the beginning. Don't let his actions make you feel bad about yourself some people are just selfish and don't know when they have a good thing. Goodluck and congratulations on having a baby there is no better feeling in the world than holding your very own child.

Cherrian - posted on 04/11/2011

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I understand everything that everyone is saying and I see everyones point of view. It just hurts so bad. Today was he worst day ever I got in a car accident and I get home and big suprise he isn't here. I tell him he didn't care. All he could ask was if it was my fault. So now as hard as it is for me I'm asking him to leave. Its obvious that I don't mean a damn thing to him in his life. He's with her. I know its over I just can't bring myself to accept. I guess his first child isn't anything to him.

Chelsea - posted on 04/10/2011

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I just had my 1st child in january and my bf and i kind of planned(more me) but when i told him i was pregnant he still freaked out.i even asked when he was going to tell his mom (whos been wanting a grandchild for years) and he said he wasnt.he didnt seem into it that i started thinking i ruined his life.it took him a long time to completely come around to the idea.he would become excited about 1 thing once in a while then it was all the time til he couldnt wait for the baby.my best advice is to try to involve him.sometimes fathers feel left outin the pregnancy since we carry the babies.reading to the baby is beneficial for everyone so maybe if you tell him its important to the baby he might try it.ultrasounds definetly work if the father wants to be in the babies life.seeing the baby and hearing the heartbeat are amazing.let him help make decisions to he feels useful.have him go to dr appointments just to be involved.and when the baby starts moving and you can feel it,let your bf too.try to get out and do other things without your bf too kind of forget the stress.baby shopping is always fun.also when your child is born and he holds him for the 1st time it could change him and make him an instant father.but if he doesnt come around my mom raised 2 girls on her own and did a great job.hopefully you have a supportive family.that makes a difference.and no matter what having a baby is worth it.being a mommy is the best thing in the world.when they smile just because they see mommy,it melts your heart.it will be worth it.hope some of that helps.

Bonnie - posted on 04/10/2011

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First of all, the fact that you are pregnant is not your fault. It takes two. Second of all, many men out there are afraid that sex will hurt the baby. Some even say that they can feel themselves poking the baby, which is not the case.

Your boyfriend needs to start treating you better. You need to be calm for the baby. If you were to lose the baby, i'm pretty sure in the end, your boyfriend would not forgive himself. I don't know how you are planning on handling doctors appointments, etc, but make sure he comes with you. Let him be apart of everything. To see the ultrasounds, listen to the heartbeat, feel the baby kick. He will see the light eventually.

Annamarie - posted on 04/10/2011

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im sorry to hear you are having problems so early on but one of the hardest jobs in the world is to be a mom and right now you have to do whats right for your baby and from the sounds of it. its to leave him NOT forever but at least for now.. maybe he will then wake up if not you still have to be strong and safe for the baby and stress is VERY bad

Cherrian - posted on 04/10/2011

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I dont want to let him go that is the last thing that I want to do. I'm just not sure what to do. I know he wont go to counsuling. Theres times where I just wanna give up. But...... I cant keep crying everyday when he picks up his phone and hes making plans to go hang out with another girl. Hes going to dissaper tonight or tomorrow for god knows how long and to where. I don't even know if my baby is going to survive cause this feels way to much.

Tinker1987 - posted on 04/10/2011

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Get your boyfriend to go to your dr appoitment.and have the doctor tell him its safe to have sex while pregnant. maybe he will ease up a bit and not be so bitter. sex is EVERYTHING to a guy so if he think the baby is in the middle of that that could be why he is resenting.Its safe as long as dr advised you not to for some reason. i was concerned about it in the beggining and didnt want to do the deed until i was far along but my doctor said there is alot of protection in there..im sure as time goes on he will get more and more excited.

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I am in a loving relationship with my hubby for almost 7 years and I love being a wife and having him and he's a great day but the bottom line (brutal honesty) is that the single GREATEST thing that has EVER happened to me is becoming a mom. I tell my kids that EVERYDAY - it is my favorite thing about my life and it is what I believe to be the MOST IMPORTANT thing that I do from the moment a child is conceived in my womb through their entire lives. The role of mom changes from pregnancy to labor and delivery to parenting to becoming a friend and support when our kids are adults. All this to say - you are doing and amazing and BEAUTIFUL thing - you are co-creating a little human being inside you and that child in you needs you every moment of everyday starting right now - I can only imagine how frightening it is to anticipate being a single mom and I want to encourage you to pursue therapy with your bf - at least get him more involved but DO NOT let him ruin this experience for you. I had a miscarriage because of stress about 5 months before getting pregnant with my now oldest child and it is still devastating to me sometimes to think that I COULD have done something about all that stress and just focused on myself. Let yourself be consumed by all the beauty of pregnancy. You are beautiful! Turn it around on your bf and let him know that he has to fight for you.... you deserve only the best of treatment right now and if he can't give that to you then that is HIS LOSS. you have to turn it around on him (for yourself) because YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM - only he can change him - you CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF and by that I mean you have to change your perspective and your expectations and you have to focus on yourself. And you should get therapy as well just for yourself or at least some sort of support group where you can speak and feel freely and express yourself freely. You should pay special attention to nutrition and try to exercise a little everyday to keep yourself feeling as good as possible - get PLENTY of Vitamin D and antioxidants and treat yourself when you need to. This can all be done on a budget too just find ways to do it. Go out and dance and laugh and plan all the amazing things you are going to do with your baby. I had a rough 1st/well 2nd official pregnancy and I had to work really hard at getting away from all the stress. Starting around week 9 I began writing letters to my baby and collecting things that meant a lot to me. Sometimes I would do little art projects or just create something and I saved it all in a time capsule (later did this with all pregnancies) and since I had home births, I had extra stuff to prepare for. Anyways, point is that I focused.... i also read the letters out loud to my kiddos and I read books to them, played LOTS of music (my favorite stuff) and danced and I worked out everyday and ate super healthy drinking lots of water.... funny thing - all my kids started talking really well by the time they were 1, LOVE music and muscial instruments and dancing and going to the library to read and check out books, and LOVE to eat fruits and vegetables and help in the garden, and they are all SUPER bonded to me. This is it, girl. This is your moment when your life stops being just about you and starts being about your precious little one. you are a mom now. And you know what you need to do deep inside you.... you'll be great at it..... just believe in yourself and trust yourself and FOCUS ON YOURSELF and YOUR BABY! If that man misses this it's HIS LOSS. I know he's been through a lot and it seems like he has moments of excitement but you need him all there but your are NOT HIS MOM. You can make suggestions and let him know you're there when he's ready but what he is doing to you is downright abusive in my opinion. In the end though he'll never be there for you if he doesn't take the time now to focus on himself and that DOES NOT mean texting his girls or playing stupid video games that means getting help and preparing to be a dad both in pregnancy, in the delivery room, and in the years to come. BUT if he doesn't get his act together by a certain point, you may need to muster up the strength and courage to move on - maybe not forever but until he gets his act together for your sake and the sake of that sweet, sweet, INNOCENT child!

Jennifer - posted on 04/09/2011

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It sounds like you are having a really tough time right now. I have done the single mom thing, and it is HARD, but doable. Right now you have the choice on what to do with the pregnancy because you are less than 12 weeks along. It sounds like you need to be prepared to do it alone if you are keeping the baby. Take a good hard look at the man sitting there texting other girls and playing video games - are you prepared to rely on him to support you and a child? Are you prepared to put up with his behaviour for the next 18 plus years? I have all the compassion in the world for people suffering from PTSD, but it is no picnic to live with. Perhaps you need to closely examine what your possible future will be like with this man.

Sorry for being so blunt, but often people won't come out and say the hard truths. I wish you all the best.

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I totally agree with Teresa. I would try counseling. Mostly for him since he suffers from ptsd. I would tell him you are concerned about his well being and offer to go to counseling with him for the ptsd, this way you both can have an understanding as to what he is going through. Also try to go to couples counseling for your relationship. Oh and btw he should be the one out on the couch. Best of luck to you. Hope you two can wok it out.

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Other 'girls'? ......

Being a single mom IS hard, but it's doable. I've been doing it since my 3rd child was born 3 years ago. It definitely isn't ideal if your relationship is workable though. Maybe counseling would be beneficial? If he would go w/ you, great, but even if not YOU could help get the tools you need to talk to him and make whatever decisions you need to.

Cherrian - posted on 04/09/2011

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Its hard to have any conversations with him. He flips out so easily he was in the military and has been to Afghanistan twice so he has some ptsd. So he isnt very open with his emotions. At first no he didn't want the baby when I told him i was only 4 weeks along and now i'm 7weeks. Three weeks i know not that much time but he is showing signs that he is excited for the baby. But a big problem is he just lost his job and disappears to his friends house and i dont see him very often he is always on his phone now. Its like he is slowly slipping from me and I have no idea what to do. Like here is an example of him being excited for the baby this morning I was looking at baby stuff and he was looking with me. But now he is sitting at the age of the bed playing nothing but video games and texting his other "girls". My biggest fear is being a single mom. Especially with how young I am. Anyone have any ideas on how to talk to him?

[deleted account]

Have you had an open conversation about why he is acting this way? I'm assuming this wasn't planned if he freaked out on you so badly..... Does he even want the baby? Is he willing to be helpful and supportive after the baby comes or is his behavior now just an indication of more to come?

I'm sorry. I don't have any answers.

Karen - posted on 04/09/2011

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maybe see if he'll go to a doctors appointment or ultrasound with you. The doctor can help him with those questions and the ultrasound will let him 'see' the baby and maybe help him bond with it.

Cherrian - posted on 04/09/2011

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He wont even cuddle with me now. Its like ima forgein disease. I feel so unwanted and ugly. So I know thats effecting the baby as well. Cause isn't it ture that what i feel the baby feels? This is my first.

[deleted account]

I think then what you might want to do is start out slowly. Maybe have a nice quiet evening. I found that even without sex for us body to body contact was helpful. You might want to start there and then move into having sex. It will help your stress and make him less anxious.

Cherrian - posted on 04/09/2011

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They told me it was a form of stress relief and they said it might help the relationship between him and me. To be honest hes the reason why im stressed and he doesn't understand why.

[deleted account]

Honestly my husband is the same way.... but he still feels guilty about having sex a few days before we found out I miscarried our first child. If you are having problems... I'm actually surprised that your doctor would recomend it. Mine has told us not to until 14 weeks along. But I have a hard time staying pregnant.

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