If you knew then what you know now...

Kiki - posted on 12/22/2014 ( 8 moms have responded )

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If you'd known how horrible the ex-wife would be and how toxic she could be on your relatationahip would you still have married him?

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Jodi - posted on 12/22/2014

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I'm glad you are in premarital counselling and it is a positive thing to be addressing this now, rather than after you marry. Often, these things don't get better until the children get older and more able to have their own say, and you do need mature strategies to manage it without negatively affecting the children. What you have to learn to do is disconnect yourselves from it. Have you heard the term "like water off a duck's back"? You and your boyfriend need to be the duck to her water. It isn't always easy, but if you can learn to just detach yourselves and not take the bait, you will eventually find yourselves barely batting an eye.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/22/2014

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Kiki, so far it sounds as if you're handling things well. keep moving forward as you have been! Its good that you're doing the counseling, etc.

If the custody orders are specific ( which days, etc, that the children are with you) then she is bound by that. If they are not specific, your boyfriend can request amended orders specifically outlining the time with each parent. She's treating the children as 'property', which is not right, but you won't be able to change her. The best you can do in that regard is to not let the back and forth between the parents affect the kids (as much as possible).

Good luck!

Kiki - posted on 12/22/2014

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There is a divorce decree and they have a joint custody stipulation. Taking us to court won't do her any good, it's just an example of how quickly she escalates things.
Blocking her number is a good idea, I've thought about it but was hoping she'd calm down and be civil. You are probably right to block her.
The boyfriend and I don't argue about it really, we discuss it and are in premarital counseling to learn how best to react to her outbursts. I had heard from other women that it doesn't get better.

Jodi - posted on 12/22/2014

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So have her number blocked (it can be done). You don't need to have any communication with her at all.

As I said, if her actions and communications are being toxic to your relationship, then someone is allowing that to happen. She can't ruin a relationship that is strong. If you and your boyfriend are arguing or having issues because of her, then you are letting that happen.

Let her go to court. If your boyfriend doesn't have custody.visitation orders, then he should get them. If he chooses not to get them, then tough luck, she can pretty much do what she likes. It doesn't make it right, but as long as she is threatening taking the kids and there are no court orders, then really, he's asking for it to happen.

Kiki - posted on 12/22/2014

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The ex likes to send me threatening text messages even though I've never had a quarrel with her. Most of the time I don't even know that they are having a disagreement until she messages me. She threatens to go to court and take the kids when she's upset.
I've never responded to any of her slights. She is unstable and I assume hurting that her ex is moving on. That's gotta be tough.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/22/2014

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I did know, DID marry him, and we're still happy, 25 years later.

and, I agree with Jodi. You have nothing to do with the ex. That's between him & her. If you don't have a strong relationship, it's not going to take an ex to ruin it.

Jodi - posted on 12/22/2014

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The new wife doesn't have to have anything to do with the ex wife. Let's face it, if the ex wife is capable of destroying your relationship, then the relationship probably wasn't strong enough to begin with, because nobody can destroy someone else's relationship without someone allowing that to happen.

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