IM A STEP MOM WHO NEEDS HELP

Samantha - posted on 12/05/2013 ( 7 moms have responded )

8

0

0

hi, i am a step mom to two teenage kids, we took them on full time over 6 years ago, but i have known them for 10+years now. however the older they get the more harder it is.
their mom only sees them everyother weekend from a friday to sunday and occasional school holidays. they get to do what they want and go to bed when they want when they are with her, however in our home there are certain rules such as for the lad he is 15 his bedtime is 10 and then lights off by 10.30 and the daughter who is 17 we ask that she leaves her phone out of her bedroom on the landing at 11 the latest as last year her college work suffered.
for the past 6-7 months she has started to lie to us all the time, and the son well he has a chip on his shoulders all the time, always has a answer and thinks more about what he looks like than anything else.
i have been helping our daughter to get a job here every weekend so she has lots of her own money, she finally got a job but took her 3 weeks for her to give her passport in and now its been a few months and they clearly are not going to call her to work. so i said well you have not shown me that you are mature enough to even call them, its not even about being mature she is just simply bone idle. She asked for her £20 pocket money and i told her that i had pre-warned her that if she doesnt sort it or even call i will stop her money, which i have now, so she is in a mood with me over it, the problem is her mom just transfers money into her bank accoutn so why should she bother to get a job when £30-40 a month keeps her going!
we sat down and spoke to them and it ended up their dad asking well whats going to make this household work? does she (me)have to move out is that what you want? they didnt say anything an then he asked again and clearly the silence said it all. he them moved onto saying that well as you can not respect her and can not get on with her (me) then you need to do your own thing, ie cook, wash your own clothes etc as she (me) is not your slave. the only time they warm to me is when i find out they want something from me.
so the household is in diastrates and none of them are talking to me, apart from hello. it is very upsetting and also im becoming bitter towards the situation as i really do not feel this will get better.
since we got enagaged in April 13 they have started this!!
we have moved into a beautiful home, given them more than waht the average kid would get, sky in their rooms, double and kingsize beds and always provide for them not matter what.
their mom has always played I CANT AFFORD in the past and now she clearly must see and i know they tell her what is going on in the house so she plays on this! one christmas she didnt buy them anything another she was not speaking to the son so didnt bother seeing him on christmas and the following year she went to Australia. so im thinking now if they continue to do this do i not bother with any christmas presents? she did it and they were not bothered!!
i am really lost as what i need to do!! there is no love there with them for me and they clearly do not care anymore, they are not exactly respectful to their dad so its not entirely me PLEASE HELP

7 Comments

View replies by

Samantha - posted on 01/08/2014

8

0

0

FYI, our daughter, my step daughter decided to leave and go and live with her mothers mom.. this was all on christmas eve.... she has now changed her mobile number and taken us off facebook so we can not even search for her!!!
she and her real mother who is a joke are welcome to eachother....

Samantha - posted on 12/05/2013

8

0

0

Hi Jodi, yes i agree on the spoilt part, that is going to bé my next stage taking away the luxorious items. They live with me an have done for some time now. The issue is they have told us that their mom is saying things to them about me. Dont listen to her, well if shes not going to give you pocket money i will make sure you have money, whilst we are trying to teach her the value of money an its a hard world out there. They have few rules which up until a few months back have started to not adhere to. I can only try my best as i have been, i feel i just need to take a step back, they ignore me, so what can i do???

Jodi - posted on 12/05/2013

3,561

36

3907

Uh, this has nothing to do with mum. She is just a spoiled brat. I stopped paying pocket money to my son the minute he got a job and we haven't looked back. He gets away with whatever at his dad's house, but he has more respect than to come home and expect the same. Rules are rules. Do you really think the way to discipline a child is to decide not to bother with Christmas presents? You don't have other tools in your tool box? What about removing the sky in their rooms? Their phones? Seriously, this has nothing to do with their mother. It has to do with the discipline in your home.

Samantha - posted on 12/05/2013

8

0

0

it sounds like you have come out of the other end of this with your S/M so once again thank you and i will keep your words close to me. i wish you all the luck with your family. thank you

Sam xxxx

Emily - posted on 12/05/2013

6

0

1

Im glad this has helped!!
And it sucks that you grt the brunt of it all but i promise u it will get better once they wise up!! They will realise that their mum is not the queen they think she is now but u who have put up with all their crap and still stuck atound ate the real queen!!! Dint worry one day it will all make sense to them and u will finally get wat u want! A family that gets along!!!!!! Good luck i wish u all the best!!!

Samantha - posted on 12/05/2013

8

0

0

Hi Emily, thank you for your words of wisdom, as you are a stepchild this is fantastic to hear your views.
i will try out what you have said below and see how it goes. you are very true on alot of what you have said, i like the part about the Christmas presents as yes you are right i would only hate myself for this, even though their mother did that for a few years i am not made that way and i took them on because they were unhappy, it just feels like they have slapped me in my face so much and she is the good one, so frustrating!!
i will take everything you have said below on board and fingers crossed it will get easier. i did think it would have been hard in the beginning but that was the easy part lol .. thank you once again :) xx

Emily - posted on 12/05/2013

6

0

1

Wow it seems like u have a lot going on. First of all sorry for everything you are going through it must be rough. I am 27 and i also had a step mum so i will try help u from both sides. Now i was never down right rude to her but she had kids of her own and always seemed more harsh on me and my brothers so i never completly trusted her. To be honest i was scared to death of her. So if u think by any chance the kids are scared or feel threatened by u or your personality just take a step back, they can and will never open up to u if they think u will snap at everything they do . Now obviously if they are doing wrong they need to be told but dont let it drag on this is wen thry resent you... Say wat u need to say walk away anf calm down. Now this goes the other way if u are too nice u need to speak up dont let them walk all over u!! They are old enough now that u should be able to have a proper convo with them ... And u need to tell their dad to step up !! Every kid hates rules but we all need them.... But also a little break from them once in a while will guve u major points ie break curfew once ir teice a month or let them have a friend stay a bit later so at least u no where they are... Sounds like your giving in but ur not its just a little reminder that hiya im not really a monster lol! And make sure they know its coming from u not dad!!! As fir the xmas presents well they only get wat they deserve dont spoil them but dtill make sure they have a good xmas u will only hate yourself if u dont. Even pulling the old water works will hopefully show them u are a person with feelings and all u want is to get along,... Now in all reality if u are worried about them hating you forever there really is no need... Everything i went through with my stepmum i thought i would never speak to her once i moved out i preyed and longed for the day!! But i have been out of the house for 7 years and we have never had a better reletionship now i have my son we speak everyday!! And my mum was horrible to me growing up.... So if i can forgive that lol u wikl have no problem.... Once they mature some more they will realize and feel terrible about how they have treated u....... Even try find a movie about a stepmun that shows her perspective to get them thinking not si they know lol just like a happy accident haha.. Although stepmum with julia roberts us a good one bur kinda hard with a title like that lol... Hope u can pull something out of this!!!!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms