Im looking for older Moms who are raising grandchildren. Mine are 12,13,14 and I need advice and support.

Becky - posted on 08/22/2014 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My grandchildren are 12,13,14 and I need advice and support. The problems I am facing are new to me. Many things are different now than in the 80's and 90's.

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Jodi - posted on 08/22/2014

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Becky, can I ask what the circumstances are surrounding you having to raise them? Where are mum and dad? These circumstances could very well have caused trauma to the kids in some way that you may not even see, it actually can alter the brain connections. So this could very well explain their behaviour and mean you have to manage them in a very different way than you managed your own children.

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Jj - posted on 08/27/2014

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You responded and I can tell you that being an "older mom" does create issues, however, I do find that I do have some patience I didn't as a younger person. I also understand more, so that works in our favor. The downside is we don't have the energy that we had, that is the down side. They do learn to understand and will adapt. Don't start trying to "adapt" to their world before your parenting skills, that is not gonna work. You don't have to "keep up" with technology, you can still evaluate and control. It isn't the same world, but the kids still need the "rules", "love", and consistency". the rest is just "words". I am 62, raising a grandkid,, (however, only one), and it works if you convience both of you that you have their best interest at heart. They will "try" you because of being abandoned by their parents AND they are kids after all.

All you can do is your best. Get them on your side. At least you provide them a home, and they really do understand that. Your kids are at the age they want to rebel anyway, and you are the only one to repeal against.

Jj - posted on 08/27/2014

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I have decided that I should tell him about his siblings, but while trying to track them down, I find that my grandson's grandfather, who had guardianship over his two older sister is now in prison for molesting those same girls. Ok, now what,, how much worse can this story get?

Jj - posted on 08/22/2014

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THIS is my kid,, my youngest. I have tried for years to get him on the road to success, and he has failed me at every junction. I am raising his son for the last 9 years, and the "son" finally go caught on an old warrent and wants to come live with me when he is out of prision and I say NO. I have allowed him to enable me to enable him,, and NO. He is on his own this time. I am done. I refuse to put his child up for fodder with his "sobriety with time spent"... NOT. I refuse to let my son move in with me, to the detrament of his son. The really, really sad thing, is that his detrament to his son never matters to this person, my son. he doesn't really care. How sad,, but I won't ever,, he on his own. He wants out of jail to go back to same drug world he left. I know people think I am a bad mother. Well, I am a mother with his child, and i refuse to let this child disappear down the same rabbit hole that his father did. His father will be out in a few months, and I will have think if I will even allow him to see this child. The other thing, the father and gf have had over 10 more kids,, when do I tell this child about them? When, anyone?

Becky - posted on 08/22/2014

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Jodi and Dove, my son is an alcoholic who uses drugs and breaks the law on a regular basis. He is a felon much to my shame. Their mom was the same except for the jail times she never served though deserved. I got the kids when my son and dil got into the huge drug rage fight that the cops responded to as we drove up to get the kids. They became ours permanent when six months later my son was arrested in family court after we got temp custody. They have been with us since they were 1,2,and 3. My dil is dead of a drunk driving wreck..she was the driver. and my son has recently gotten out of jail again and moved across the country. He is not allowed to be with the kids but now that they have gotten older they go around me and contact him through email and fb from friends phones and computers. Mostly phones because they have been going to other homes less this summer ...lots less. I have three sons who are model citizens. Two college grads and one that went half. One is a firefighter captain paramedic just a block away from that stuff going on in St.Louis, Missouri right now. I have two grandchildren by that one that are wonderfully well behaved and polite. He single parented them three years and they are now 8 and 11. I even raised a sister from sixth grade to graduation back in the eighties and she has a masters degree and is a teacher. I am not a bad parent and I am at a loss now. Its all so different and my son ruined my confidence in knowing what to do to protect them from drugs and drink and all that stuff that is so darn present in everything around us. These kids lie and sneak as do their friends and I don't know what to believe most of the time. They are not bad kids really but their problems are scary to me. The girl has been caught cutting twice and refuses to talk to her therapist or school social worker or the church teen who is her mentor. She wont talk at all. The boy who is oldest is so behind in social skills and self care that it is scary ..he cant even make koolaide or put on his socks right with out being reminded or helped. I feel like they are making a huge mistake putting him in h.s. even though he is 14. He is two to three years behind in all studies and has been evaluated at age nine socially. They skipped eighth grade with him because of his behavior being inappropriate ...he was caught playing with himself in class. I was so embarrassed. We are a very conservative family and I don't enjoy watching shows that are sexually oriented in humor plot. He is not allowed to go on line anymore because he cant seem to stay off the porn sites. He also has to be with us to watch extended cable tv because he rented porn three times in four months. Then you get to the one who makes me most afraid. He is like his dad in defiance and much angrier than his dad was. He tries to shock me with obsessing over piercings and fire and guns and stuff that is totally out of my realm. I try to be patient but he is one kid who never, ever lets things be. He never lets a subject drop. I am not a parent that expects them to have no say in appearance and believe in letting them be individuals for example he is growing his hair long and the only stipulation for that is it has to be clean and not colored. They are all nice and cooperative at church even holding positions of responsibility. They do get in trouble on the bus mostly for normal kid stuff. They are in band and active in church youth things that they like. We are southern Baptists and they are happy with it. We have a small church so the parents there help me parent when we are at activities in a good way. They have my back you could say but they are all young and have not had to deal with the troubles I have had with kids and I pray they never do. They either are the extreme as in home schooling or they have younger kids or they don't share what their kids are doing that is out of line. I know they have problems too but they wont open up about it. That's okay but its no help to me. I guess you can see that I am just confused and tired and worried and prayer helps but I am human and still seem to worry. I need to hear from other parents. Parenting at 57 with a husband who is sometimes very upset that retirement is not as near in the future as he planned and who's working much harder physically than his body likes is difficult. We do all that trust and wait to see if they blow it thing and we try not to yell and our punishments are what we have been assured by the councilors and therapists are right yet nothing matters to them. I feel old and inadequate.

Dove - posted on 08/22/2014

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I agree w/ Jodi. Finding a counselor willing to work w/ your family as a whole would probably be very beneficial to you at this time.

It is totally within your right to monitor all internet access and forbid it in your home... but w/ all the friends that have it as well it's not that easy. The best thing on that is teaching them what not to share online and why... but it's a lesson that needs to start much earlier than where she is at now.

Maybe give a call to their doctor and ask for counseling recommendations. That would probably be the best place to start. A good counselor will talk w/ ALL of them and you... separate and together and help you all come up w/ a plan of action to address each of these issues.. Hang in there!

Becky - posted on 08/22/2014

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Well, one of the boys, the one that is 23 had become very belligerent and disrespectful to a degree that is not the average. I raised four sons and never had one this angry acting so much of the time. Also the girl who is 12 is always so wrapped up in girl drama, even to the point of contacting men on kik, getting banned from being her best friends friend, cutting a little. I tell you I have never had to deal with such stuff. The oldest boy is adhd and so far behind socially. About age nine but they put him in h.s. this year skipping eighth grade. I am not sure how to navigate the waters of the internet and ipods that go on line and all this sneaking around to be friends with friends who are not supposed to talk to you and gee, just everything!

Dove - posted on 08/22/2014

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What kind of advice do you need? I'm not a grandparent, but I HAVE a 12, almost 13 year old.

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