Holyn - posted on 04/12/2014 ( 7 moms have responded )
I don't know what to do or if this is acceptable but I don't know where else to turn! I lost my 16 year old son on October 15, 2013, he was killed in a street bike accident. My little brother was killed on his street bike on March 2, 2013, just a short 7 months prior. People tell me that I need to get over it already but I can not function!! I know that I need to be a mom to my other children who have also suffered and I not a selfish or crazy person...I just literally can not move forward! I can not have 1 minute of any day without them on my mind! I wander if they were scared, I wander if they were in pain, I beg for them to come to me in my dreams or send me signs that they are ok and I pray to God to let them visit me for 1 more second and it's not happening! I have investigated as much as humanly possible for answers in both accidents and received nothing that helps me! I've questioned the people who were with my brother extensively and I know they have a hard time talking about it but I feel like I need to know every single detail...some people say I am crazy for wanting to know but I have to! My son was alone but a girl who witnessed his accident and ran to him, who was with him from the time he hit the brick wall to the time the coroner took him, I have questioned this girl many many times and it's horrible of me because she is dealing with it herself and she was only 17. I all but forced her to tell me what he looked like and still can not get satisfaction or answers. I feel like I have to see his body on the ground...I have to know EXACTLY every injury from his crushed chest, to his mangled limbs, to his smallest scratch. I was allowed to see my brother in the ER after his accident...yes he was gone already but I was able to see his body and I inspected it for any signs of injury and couldn't find 1! I was not allowed to see my son when he died, he was never brought to the hospital because he was gone before anyone got to him. We were not allowed to view him at the morgue. We were able to open his casket but he was so covered with makeup and his body was wrapped with wire meshing, I know this cause I all but undressed him while he laid in his casket...sounds so terrible I know but I had to try to see what happened to my baby!! I have other kids and a husband and parents and siblings who are all having their own difficulty with these losses but I am the only 1 who can't seem to live...I have absolutely no will to live!! I feel as though I am dead and I wish I was 99% of the time...even to the point that I can really justify suicide! I am no good to anyone anymore!! I can't be a mom to my other children! I can't be a wife! I can't be a daughter or a sister...all I can do is ask questions that it seems I will never get the answers to! Please someone help me!!! Please???