Impossible to cope!

Holyn - posted on 04/12/2014 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I don't know what to do or if this is acceptable but I don't know where else to turn! I lost my 16 year old son on October 15, 2013, he was killed in a street bike accident. My little brother was killed on his street bike on March 2, 2013, just a short 7 months prior. People tell me that I need to get over it already but I can not function!! I know that I need to be a mom to my other children who have also suffered and I not a selfish or crazy person...I just literally can not move forward! I can not have 1 minute of any day without them on my mind! I wander if they were scared, I wander if they were in pain, I beg for them to come to me in my dreams or send me signs that they are ok and I pray to God to let them visit me for 1 more second and it's not happening! I have investigated as much as humanly possible for answers in both accidents and received nothing that helps me! I've questioned the people who were with my brother extensively and I know they have a hard time talking about it but I feel like I need to know every single detail...some people say I am crazy for wanting to know but I have to! My son was alone but a girl who witnessed his accident and ran to him, who was with him from the time he hit the brick wall to the time the coroner took him, I have questioned this girl many many times and it's horrible of me because she is dealing with it herself and she was only 17. I all but forced her to tell me what he looked like and still can not get satisfaction or answers. I feel like I have to see his body on the ground...I have to know EXACTLY every injury from his crushed chest, to his mangled limbs, to his smallest scratch. I was allowed to see my brother in the ER after his accident...yes he was gone already but I was able to see his body and I inspected it for any signs of injury and couldn't find 1! I was not allowed to see my son when he died, he was never brought to the hospital because he was gone before anyone got to him. We were not allowed to view him at the morgue. We were able to open his casket but he was so covered with makeup and his body was wrapped with wire meshing, I know this cause I all but undressed him while he laid in his casket...sounds so terrible I know but I had to try to see what happened to my baby!! I have other kids and a husband and parents and siblings who are all having their own difficulty with these losses but I am the only 1 who can't seem to live...I have absolutely no will to live!! I feel as though I am dead and I wish I was 99% of the time...even to the point that I can really justify suicide! I am no good to anyone anymore!! I can't be a mom to my other children! I can't be a wife! I can't be a daughter or a sister...all I can do is ask questions that it seems I will never get the answers to! Please someone help me!!! Please???

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Jocelyn - posted on 04/14/2014

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I am so sorry to hear that!. That is very painful to what your going through right now. It hurts losing someone special. I prolly go crazy as well and trying to find some answer as well. But be strong. Sometimes things that is happening in people lives, it makes you more stronger than yesterday but yet its hard to overcome. Moving forward is the hardest thing to do but you gotta do it for the sake of your other kids. I am sure he is watching over you and his siblings. May god bless you and your family.

Alison - posted on 04/13/2014

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I am so sorry from one mother to anther I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through :( That cliche about time healing all wounds is not true BUT as mothers we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I would strongly advise you to talk to your doctor, and access your local crisis line. What country do you live in? I would like to pass on some links but I want them to be accessible to you. Even if you are not religious I think it would also be a good idea to talk to a Chaplain, Rabbi or any Spiritual Leader. There are support groups for people who have lost a child (which NO mother should have to go through) You are not alone, please hang on for the sake of your other children. Praying for you and your family. http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/ http://tcfcanada.net/2010/the-bereaved-p...
http://www.griefnet.org/resources/parent...
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org...

Holyn - posted on 04/12/2014

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Thanks you Wendy these are great ideas and I will try them! Thank you so much for taking the time you have to comfort me! God bless!

Wendy - posted on 04/12/2014

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Congrats on riding solo! I also wanted to say to you and you're husband, its only really been a short time since you lost them both....A year only after losing your brother and 6 months ago your son.....That's not enough time to grieve for most people, especially 2 very close family members......Allow time to pass, support each other, love each other and lots of cuddles........lol......but seriously you need more time......I lost 3 close family members 23 years ago, 2 were children, in a house fire.........it hurts so badly you cant even think................but in time its lessons, trust me........Do things to help the healing, get a nice tattoo......Plant a flower, bush, tree or roses in there honour......just going threw the motions of those things will help, even if you've done something already, do another one.........Time...................a lovely poem my grandmother had stuffed in the bible, she wanted it said at her funeral and it was...................
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Holyn - posted on 04/12/2014

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Dearest Wendy, Thank you for the kind words...my husband and I were the ones who bought my brother his motorbike and our family used to ride often...it was a passion we shared! 1 of my brothers and a older son still ride but not nearly as much as they used to & my husband and I have not found the courage to ride since my sons accident! I actually learned how to ride solo about a week before my son died and I felt as though my brother would have been so proud and I was so excited about riding in my brothers memory but once my son died some of us just can not ride! I have looked for support groups, counseling, etc. Which actually lead me to this site but have not had any success so I thought I would just put it all out there on here and hooefully find help, support, the will to cope, ways to cope, anything, & I appreciate your comment so much more than I can express! I do know everything you say is 100% true and exactly what I need to do the problem is I just don't know how or where to start! I am literally frozen with grief, shock, depression etc....I have panic attacks, I don't sleep, I barely eat and although I know this is not what either my son, whose name is Gregory and brother, Robb would want and not at all what my family needs I still can not make a change. I have read about PDST and before now only thought it was seen in soldiers, surviving victims etc....but I actually think I may have this! I need some knowledge as to where to go to see if I in fact do have PDST and if so where can I find the help and if not where might I still find help! Thanks for your thoughts and feedback I really appreciate it more than you know and may God bless you!

Wendy - posted on 04/12/2014

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Omg! so tragic......I feel your pain in just your writing, tears in my eyes as I reply.....you need to talk about this, a therapist, doctor, friend, group grieving parents........I ride, i'm a mother and a sister, I can't imagine your pain....unbearable for sure......But as u stated you have other children, family and friends that love you and want you to move forward, hard as that may be, I get it.......also don't forget your brother and son both were doing what they loved, Riding......I ride also and I can tell you when on my bike, the smile on my face couldn't be bigger.......I feel free, strong, fierce, top of the world, cool, the wind and sunshine on my face, the open road, all beautiful when on the bike..........its a lifestyle, a brothership, a passion...........Your brother and son would not want to see you cry forever honey......they would want to see that beautiful smile and you living life to the fullest......they are together, each other to comfort while looking down apron you and your family.....show them a strong, proud, capable, beautiful person, who can smile, love laugh at the beautiful memories you have of them.....be thankful for the time you had with them, it was a privilege and a honor to have shared and loved them as you did.....please, your pain will lesson with time. For now you must look forward to support and love your children and yourself.. to live life to the fullest knowing they are looking down of you cheering you forward........God bless

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