in laws

Leslie - posted on 08/04/2009 ( 45 moms have responded )

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it seems everyday when i talk to my mother in law, she seems to have done something that irritates me.

she and my father in law watch my daughter 3 days out of the week, they have done so since she was 6 weeks old. they totally adore her. they would obviously do anything for her, accept listen to what my husband and i tell them.

a few weeks ago i found out they are letting her crawl along the couch without anyone making sure she didn't fall off. apparently this is a regular game they play with her. when she does fall off(usually head first), they don't comfort her or pick her up because "she needs to know that she needs to stay off the edge" i couldn't believe it, what the hell are they thinking?? she still has a soft spot on the top of her head!! why is it ok just to let her fall headfirst into the floor?

when she was 4 weeks old she wouldn't stop puking all day, so i took her to the hospital, they then told me i needed to go to childrens hospital to see if her intestines were ok. thank god everything was alright, but the doctor told me i needed to just feed her pedialite for a day. and of course, i dropped her off at the in laws and learned that my mother in law when behind my back, and against doctors orders and fed her some formula, because poor myah was hungy. THEN FEED HER MORE PEDIALITE!

they fed her peanut butter when she was 7 months old,when i told them they can't do that until she's a year old, they said im such a prude and i don't let her have any fun. but when her best friend said the same thing, automatically it was a different story.

she's had problems gaining weight all her life. and just recently she actually lost weight. so i left them with some nice fattening beef and cheese to feed her. my mother in law didn't like that, so she is feeding her watermelon and ice cream insead. and little bits of beef in between. when i said something about the nutritional value of this whole feeding regiment, she snapped at me and said "well you tell me you want her to gain weight, what the hell do you want from me" sorry but ice cream for a nine month old as a staple in her diet is not necessary!!!

i learn all these things about her online and in books, and any time i repeat anything new i learned to them, they always always say "i never did that with any of my boys and they turned out fine". just like with honey, i just learned that you can't give it to infants younger than a year because it could contain a deadly disease (linked to 10% of sids cases) that could kill her. and of course i got that exact line.

everything i think is wrong, everything i do is wrong. everything they do is right. i am to the point where i don't want to bring her over there anymore. or i just want to tell my mother in law off in the worst way. it is really getting beyond rediculous. i don't know what to do.



"grandma's are supposed to spoil the grandkids..right???"

"grandma's are always better than the mom and dad"

-mother in law

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

Take a deep breath, honey! I've been there, too. If I listed all the things she's done behind my back, this post would be a mile long. But we are here for you, so here is a little bit of advice. I started taking her with me to check-ups. She thought I was being really nice by including her but I made sure to ask all the right questions. She heard it all straight from the 'expert'. It seemed to help a little bit. She was no longer going against just me but my daughter's pediatrician who she actually liked. So...hopefully that will help you. Good Luck!

MIRIAM - posted on 08/05/2009

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OMG! In Africa grandmothers are like angels.Real angels.I cant believe that she does all those things to your daughter.I feel like i can come there and give her a piece of my mind, but no.There is always a solution for anything including this one here.Now do not worry , why don't you get a house help or an aupair?My dear they will take care of your child so well.I feel so sad that you have to go through all this.But the grandparents can watch her once in a while.

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Sharlene - posted on 10/27/2011

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Hi .She sound like living nightmare of a mother in-law god help you LOL , Can probably get your parents or a babysitter maybe.Best luck with the nightmare LMFAO

Michele - posted on 10/27/2011

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OMG....Reading your story is my living nightmare. My in-laws are snowbirds and they come out right before Christmas and leave the week of my son's birthday, June 3.
I am already dreading their arrival and it's not even November.

My in-laws never listen to anything my husband and I say. In fact, I think my mother-in-law goes out of her way to undermine me. My father-in-law thought it was cute to give my son diet coke because he was drinking it. My son was 2 at the time.

He tasted all of his firsts in terms of processed junk with them at the age of two. While in my presence, she would literally give my son a king size of bag of M & M's to walk around the house to eat until I realized and took them away from him. She thought there was nothing wrong with that. After that, I find him walking around the house with a large bag of goldfish; I of course take that away. I had a talk with her after the M & M's, but of course she never listens. She then wants to give him chocolate milk and cookies. This time my husband begins to get angry. Even after that she tries to gives him some crackers. Mind you, we came over to have dinner with them.

This scenario repeats itself time and time again. Now when we visit, they sneak and give him stuff when we're not looking or when we go in another room. If they're doing this in front of us, I can't imagine what they're doing when we're gone. Their house isn't childproof to my liking, but that story would take a lifetime to tell, not to mention the large pool in the backyard without any type of fencing or anything. Did I mention that they can't swim....I only leave my son over there when I completely desperate because I don't trust them. By the way, did I mention that they're 81 years old.....

I know they love him dearly, but they just don't get it. I have given them books on nutrition. My husband and I have talked to them so many times that I have lost count. Luckily, my parents live 10 minutes from me and they follow the same routine that I do. My son sees them a lot more because personally it's easier and convenient and their house is childproof. My husband practices natural medicine, so we eat a lot of organic foods and try to stay away from processed foods as much as possible. I allow my son a little junk food, but nothing compared to what in-laws consider acceptable. You would think that they would understand since they sent him through medical school.
I think what's really sad is that they lose out in the end.

The only thing I can suggest is pray and find somebody else to watch your child. You are ultimately responsible for the safety of your child and if they can't understand that then they lose out. That is pretty much what I have decided for my child. I do supervised visits and I really try hard to avoid anything else.

Malinda - posted on 08/17/2009

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I empathize with your situation. In my case it is my own mother who really truly endangers my child. Thank goodness she doesn't watch him (nor would I allow that) but the fact that my brother and I survived our childhood with a drug addict mother who did/allowed things that permanently scarred us and today would certainly have us taken away sort of negates the whole "and her kids turned out just fine" arguement for me. Children survive... most of the time. That doesn't make it okay. I my case, I have a child with food allergies and a mother who continually tries to feed him things that could really harm him. In your case it's more of a nutritional issue at this point (except, of course, for the peanut butter) but it could always be more serious and you have to ask yourself would she *truly* protect your child in the face of something like that?



I agree with taking her to doctor's appointments if you can (though my mother always just says "well doctors don't know everything" when they disagree with her and "we should listen to the expert" when they do, so be prepared for that) and when/where you can offer her articles that back up your wishes. She may not read them, but it's the best you can do for the moment. If that doesn't improve the situation, then you might have to start considering alternate care.... I know that isn't easy, but sometimes we have to take the less easy route. That said, as a proud working mother I *do* know that when we chose to put our children in the care of others there are battles we have to let go of. Our caregiver doesn't do things exactly the way I would have them done 100% of the time, but when it comes to issues of safety you MUST make yourself the authority and enforce desicions. And then promise yourself that when you're the grandmother... you won't be the same way.



Good Luck to you!

Katie - posted on 08/17/2009

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Find someone new to watch your child. You are the parent, and she should respect you.

Halie - posted on 08/15/2009

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i know the feeling of some of the things that your talking about i ;will not let my mother in law watch my girl i rather have a babysitter when i go to work cause they really don't watch her and your right they don't listen to anything that you let them not to do they just go ahead and do and it really gets under your goat. so if i have t work on a saturday i get someone to watch my girl her dad is working all the time.and plus they just sit there and smoke heavy around her it's outside but still that smoke still get's to her and she has a mild cause of asmha nothing agaist smokers cause i was one and they drink so i rather have a babysitter at least i'll have someone respondable (can't spell)

Terrill - posted on 08/14/2009

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Hi Leslie, Just read your letter and yes, you do have room to gripe. If I were you, and I don't know anything about your finances ,but I wouldn't leave my child there. I raised 12 kids and now I'm raising 3 grandsons because my daughter and her husband got involved with drugs, I'm my grandsons guardian and I'm 65 years old. I wasn't planning on the 2nd time around but I couldn't see them going into foster care. Two of them have mental disorders and trust me , it hasn't been easy.No matter who you have watching your child, you have to have peace in that they'll take care of them. If you don't have peace about it, imagine that your child WILL suffer emotional damage as well as physical if not now, but later on. You've been given enough RED flags to tell you something isn't right. Your child is YOUR responcibility, YOU have to keep her safe. You can't fix some things after they're broken, and you'll never change your MIL's way of life. It's all up to YOU.

Keri - posted on 08/13/2009

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i am afraid i am about to have to deal with this, as i am due with twins in about 3 months. I've had problems with my mil already that got real bad when she learned i was pregnant with her son. i ended up writing her an email putting my foot down. Her response to my fiance was that it was ferocious and attacking, which it was not. She eventually chilled out and was much nicer to me but never apologized. I did call her out on a lot of things that really she had to have looked in the mirror and faced herself. I hope she knows that when i give birth to these twin girls she cannot and will not raise them in any way that i do not approve of. She takes her other grandkids to McDonalds. That will not happen here. If she does not respect my do's and do not's then she simply will not see them as much as she wants. And this is where my advice to you is this: If your mil is not changing how she raises your child by what you ask as the mother, then do not take your child to stay with her anymore. simple as that. it may be saving you money to take them there, but what is more important? Please don't allow anyone, not even your husband's mother to raise your child any other way than you would. you are letting them take your power. so, empower yourself! Be strong! They might not like it at first, but eventually they will learn to respect you and how you stood up to them. :) good luck!!

Christina - posted on 08/12/2009

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Honestly it is time to find a new sitter and I would not leave them alone with her. Honestly since when has head trauma been ok. The honey thing yeah you were right about that as well but also it can make them sick. There is an actual disease you can get from eating it before the age of 2. I understand her boys have survived, but dont we want more than just survival for our kids. This is your child, your gift from above and your priority to protect and if she cant respect that then her and his time should be very limited. Spoiling is one thing trying to explain to social services that yeah I knew she was letting her fall off the couch and did nothing is another. Sorry I am very upset for you.

Michelle - posted on 08/10/2009

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I don't have this problem because my MIL will never be left alone with my daughter! We don't get along at all and my hubby and I have this agreement. I would be mad about the crawling on the couch, the honey, the peanut butter and large amounts of icecream too!! Your the mommy and you have the say in everything! I would maybe start looking into daycare for your little one. Good luck!

Jacqueline - posted on 08/10/2009

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Wow! according to your account, it makes you wonder is that how they raised your husband. Sometimes, grandparents need to be reminded that they had high expectations when they had their own kids. 'Cause, I'm quite sure they did not let your husband drop on his head as a baby. That is actually unsafe, not party-pooping. Sometimes, I find that grandparents tend to look at this time as fun for them different then it is raising children, but they need to be reminded that they provided safety, structure and good parenting practices overall with their own children. They should understand that you want them to balance their desires and what you need for their children. Sometimes, firmly holding your ground is good, not telling them off for the sake of the grandchildren. 'Cause even grandparents have a place in children's lives, but balance is needed definitely. Good luck knowing your not alone!! Take care.

Amanda - posted on 08/10/2009

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Quoting Leslie:

in laws


"grandma's are supposed to spoil the grandkids..right???"
"grandma's are always better than the mom and dad"
-mother in law



i totally know what you are going through!  and sometimes i wonder how my MIL raised her 2 kids, without killing them?!!!!!!!!

Pricilla - posted on 08/09/2009

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Im so sorry to hear this. I know just how frustrating it is to have your MIL say everything you do is wrong or always making snooty remarks at things you say. If I were you I would just put your foot down and say she is your daughter and if things are not done your way then they cant see her!

Amy - posted on 08/09/2009

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Yup, I'd be pissed at the grandparents too. Yeah your kids are okay, but safety and nutritional guidelines have come a long way. There is a reason all of this has been published...because it is factual! Her kids may have come out fine, but you child does not have all the same genetic make up as hers, your child only has half, the other half comes from mommy, so grandchild may not have the same reactions.
Heck back in the days, playgrounds were twisty rusty metal death traps, now most are plastic or have rubber matting all over the place (for safety)
Again, there are reasons for changes in safety guidelines, it's not keeping your child in a "bubble" it's called, protecting your child from life threatening injury and illness

Christie - posted on 08/09/2009

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I am a mom, but also a Grandma. I watch my grandkids sometimes too. My advice is, don't fuss too much over everything - pick your battles. If the child's life and health are truly in danger, then by all means it is your responsibility to correct the situation. (Correcting the situation may mean finding someone else to watch the little one, however. ) You don't mention whether they are watching your child so you can work, and are therefore saving you a fortune in childcare costs. Sometimes we feel trapped in the situation we are in, and the emotions we feel have more to do factors far beyond what is on the surface. Take some time to center yourself in your role as a mother.

Bring a copy of a printed article on infants/honey to them. My nephew had infant botulism and it was very scary! But don't be such a fuss-budget on every single dietary thing.

She does have one point - she has raised her children, and apparently they have lived to have offspring. :) But if you are so stressed and troubled about how they care for your children, it would be better if you made other arrangements for them, and just visit Grandma when you can be there to watch over your child

Sharon - posted on 08/07/2009

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Really Lisa? You think someone going against your childs pediatricians' orders is ok? You think an infant rolling off the couch to land head first on it soft spot is OK?

Raw Honey for infants is never ok and you'll never get a doctor to say otherwise.

Regardless. She is the mother and what she says goes. The grandmother has no legal rights to make decisions or reverse the decisions of the mother and I'm willing to bet that if she keeps it up she'll lose the contact she has now to paid daycare provider.

Lisa - posted on 08/07/2009

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dont you think you might be over reacting on some of these things? Yes its not a good idea to let a kid jump around and smack their head, but its also not a bad thing to allow them to grow..explore and experience, and i do agree some honey is not a good idea

have you thought about sitting down with grandma and grandpa and say OK- i dont mind icecream occasionally, I dont mind some other food occasionally but i need to know you will follow the diet restrictions i have set in place for her. As for being a grandma and grandpa we have no knowledge of that but, i do have to say our parents didnt touch our kids with a feather by no means were they being bruits either they are doing what they know and if they know the child isnt going to die from a food its not entirely a bad thing for them to encourage a pallet in small amounts OCCASIONALLY!.



I am sorry you feel the frustration but i must ask is this your first child? alot of mothers over react and if i may can i make another suggestion STOP READING those books will have you raising your child in a bubble. Do you think your parents raised you with kid gloves? sorry if you think this is a bit harsh.

Paula - posted on 08/07/2009

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I feel for you as well. When we had our first (she's 10 mths) it felt like his parents had the baby they way they acted. It was extremely annoying. My MIL thinks that my baby should be walking, talking and be potty trained like her children. I think she is forgetting some minor details like how old her kids were when they did these things. She also has a problem with my childs diet. I guess it is a little nice just to know your not the only mom struggling with your in laws. I pray things get better, but I have a feeling the older my baby is the more that will be expected from her :(

Deborah - posted on 08/07/2009

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I see your point you want the best for your child but hon why leave her with them if you don't like the care they give her if you have to work ok but get someone else to whatch her peomlem sloved ands as for visits with grandma stay with her at all tiomes

Maggie - posted on 08/07/2009

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Oh and also your in laws should be paying more attention to your child because if something happens in their care guess who the doctors are going to blame when something really bad happens

Maggie - posted on 08/07/2009

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I'm really sorry to hear all that but u know what if I were you I would not let the in laws watch her anymore if they can't listen to the parent of their grandchild. I went through the same thing with my mom and my step daughter. My mom would give her sugar and of course me and my husband don't give her sweets because of how she acts well anyways mom gives her a donut when I told her I already have a snack for her when she gets hungry but nope she didn't listen. then my step daughter starts to act out and I had to call her dad and told him what happen and then he called my mom and of course she hangs up on him. So from that day on its like okay my mom is not allowed to watch her over at the house if she doesn't listen to what me and my husband have say about our rules when she is watching the kid. Now that I'm pregnant I don't even trust my mom watching the kids.

Pauline - posted on 08/07/2009

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You have to stand up to her. How would you feel if at some later stage they try to teach her something else which could be fatal. Tell your husband that you both have to speak to them at the same time, this is your child they should be there to help not hinder. They have brought their children up it is now time for them to be Grandparents not Parents. Just a thought ask her how her parents and parent in laws treated her when she had babies. If it is the same as she treats you then tell her times have changed and you are not her and she needs to allow you to bring your children up the way you choose and if she cannot agree be very clear that you will take the children elsewhere. I had problems with my MIL but I made it quite clear if she ignored my wishes I would not allow her to see my child. It had to be done. It was for the best and we all get on like a house on fire. Me,my husband kids and MIL

Chris - posted on 08/07/2009

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Honey, it is going to be alright believe me when I say this. You and your husband is the mother of Myah and what you and your husband says goes, beyond what anyone else thinks or says. Myah is the daughter you and your husband conceived. Yes, it is grandparents job to spoil their grandchildren, I know because I am a grandparent, but, it is also a grandparent job to respect the parents of the grandchild. I know that your inlaws are your inlaws, but I really think they are disrespecting you and your husband wishes, I really think that you and your husband should consider moving your child to a childcare facility where you will get more respect. And just tell your inlaws you still love them but, you don't like being disrespected by them when it comes to your child. Let them know she will be able to come for visits but not for childcare. Good luck.

Jeannette - posted on 08/07/2009

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ive never had that problem they just chose not to be in her life but my bestfriends inlaws were doing whatever they wanted after she had instructed them not to to she told the mother in law that if she didnt stop she wouldnt be able to see her grandkids it took a couple of times but now she keeps her mouth shut and knows her place ,shes the grandmother not the mother good luck

Doreen - posted on 08/07/2009

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You are doing the right thing for your child by reading books and such..I am going to be a grandmom any day now and I can't believe they are going against your good advice..If I were you maybe you should look for another sitter that agrees with your ways in raising your child. I'm sure they mean well and love there grandchild they just have different ways. Maybe you should try and give them some books to read on raising healthy and safe children. Sorry for you hope things work out..I know they will..Maybe your husband should speak to them about the situation.

Laura - posted on 08/07/2009

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Unfortunately the sons don't seem to want to stand up to their own parents when things go wrong. I feel your pain and that's one of the reason I don't feel comfortable leaving my kids w/their grandparents. "They don't follow my Wishes" It's ok for a grandparent to spoil their grandkids, but creating bad habits (giving them candy, junk food etc...) is not helping their grandkids in the future. I wish they would look at it that way. Its sad because you know they love them but I do know why they would try and under mind the (daughter n law). It only creates bad feelings and distrust. I guess they just have to learn the hard way and hopefully over time they will realize to respect your wishes. Everyone needs to be on the same team. When raising kids.

[deleted account]

I'm a nana and I love my grandkids and yes, I do spoil them and leave the discipline to the parents. But, I don't go against what my daughters or daughter-in-law wants. I have my own ways and thoughts on how I raised and would raise my kids. But, I'm the nana and their the parents. As you can see, when grandparents over-step their bounds, there are problems. I have to disagree with the reply below when she says, "You know deep down your inlaws would not do anything to seriously jepordise their grandbaby." Maybe not, but letting the baby crawl, allowing her to fall, and not cuddling her after the fall, in my book, is totally not a good thing. I'm not the perfect nana, but I strive to be a blessing and not a thorn. My advice to you is for you and your husband to sit down and have a heart to heart talk with his parents. If they refuse, then look for other alternatives. My feelings is that they are set in their ways and there is nothing you can do about that, but you can change your position. There are always alternatives if you take the time to find them. Don't take the easy way out and complain and complain. Make some changes. "Grandma's and Grandpa's, just love your grandkids, spoil them, mind your business, tackle the big/important stuff, the other little stuff that the kids ask you to do, just do it, it's not hurtful and maybe we as the older generation can learn some stuff. Let your "ADULT" kids raise their own.

Lorrie - posted on 08/07/2009

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Boy can I empathize with you. When my daughter rolled over for the first time, it was right off the change table. I beat myself up for days over that but my mom-in-law basically stated that I was an unfit mother and should have my child taken away. "there are no such things as accidents" she stated. She accused me of poisoning my child when I fed her wafer cookies because the social worker she spoke to said they were unhealthy snacks. Even better, she said I was not a "real mother" because I left for work at 7:00am so her son had to get the baby ready to go to grandma's for daycare and a real mom would do that. I could go on, but after one last battle with her, my husband and I agreed that she was to overbearing and opted for daycare/preschool when she was 2. Look into subsidized daycare if necessary. I doubt your MIL will ever change. Mine was angry when we ended our daycare arrangements, but now when we are together she focuses on having fun with our child and nothing else.

Gloria - posted on 08/07/2009

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Hi, I am so sorry for what you are going through, and you should not have to but in-laws and your own parents will do these things....they do not realize what they are doing. I grew up in a large family and I was the second youngest. With all of my sisters and sister - law we all would complain about my mom giving our babies cool aide in their baby bottles and would lay it cocked to the mouth while she put them down to sleep....man that killed me!...I would tell her mom....please do not do that, it will rot her teeth....and then she stopped but she gave her Soda pop in the baby bottle oh boy!....lol it was things like that...that really bothered me....I asked her if she did these things when I was growing up?...and she said yes.....I said wow mom I can't believe I didn't get my teeth rotted...but you know...I knew she loved my babygirl....and I would sit and tell her honestly....mom...I love you very much but could you not do these things?....and she would comply. My mother-in-law bless her we no longer have her with us....but she was never around to spend time with my daughter..until my daughter was 8 yrs old on up.....and she irritated my daughter....lol she treated her like she was a baby or a todler.....she would come home from her visits and would be so upset of how she treated her.....so she limited her visits with her. My father-in-law would do the same thing my mother would do.......with the soda's.....and would ask him to please not do these things......he would smile and tell me....oh come on I only see her very little let me spoil her please.....lol...so I would let him.....but when she was with me afterward.......I made sure she had good meals and plenty of water to drain all of that yucky stuff that day....haha....I guess we all have to live a little.....and yes...the the about the couch.....that is a little bit out of line....they should have known better.....it is like telling your kid to walk the tightrope without a safty net and seeing if he or she would fall. Maybe you should use that annalogy with her see what she thinks about that?....Just like Jesus did with his followers he used stories to get their attention...something they would understand because of where they came from. In one of the posts "Yani Feller "I believe she is right....many marriages come to divorces because of this.......mine did somewhat....and he would never stand up to her. It got to a point to where I just did not want to go visit her anymore.....I would sit in the car while he took my daughter and himself to the apartment. I would always take a book to read. He would never stand up to her. He was a mama's boy....he has never remarried and will not contact his daughter as much.....so she is the one that is hurt. granted she is much older now but it has been like that throughout her younger years. I would talk with your husband and ask him to talk with her about these situations and to have them respect those wishes just like they want her respect....respect goes both ways...anyhow....I wish you luck and lots of prayers go out to you both and your daughter.

Charity - posted on 08/07/2009

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I completely understand your situation. I've been there myself. Unfortunately I still don't have an answer. In my case, my husband thinks that it is also the grandparents right to spoil the kids, I do not. I believe that grandparents are suppose to come alongside the parents and help them, not undermind them.



What I have started doing is taking a step back and deciding what is worth arguing about and let the rest go. I may let them know that I would prefer something different, but if it is not really important I let it go. If it is worth it to me, I stand my ground to the point to where I have said that if it continues they will not be allowed to watch our children, which I do not want. I know that they love our children deeply, but I am still the mama, and me and my husband are the ones ultimately responsible for our children, so we have to do what is best for them in the long run.



It is funny though because I have heard the same, that I'm just over reacting, over protective, and their kids turned out just fine. I sometimes think though that they have forgotten that they probably had rules too that others didn't understand. Also, like with the pedialite thing...sometimes there are very good reasons for the rules and they need to respect us as the parents and even if they don't agree still do what we ask. In your situation I believe that I would try to find someone else to watch kids on weekly basis and only let ML watch them occasionally.

Beth - posted on 08/07/2009

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i really feel for u i no its a little different but when my daughter was born my mum was in there like a shot do it like this no not like that i did it like this u have to be firm but fair tell them straight if you cant abide by my rules with MY daughter then i will no longer need you to watch her you may have done things different to me but this is my daughter not yours and its my way not yours.

Margaret - posted on 08/07/2009

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maybe they feel a little inadequte because of all your up to date knowledge and modern information, could be if you back off a little and pretend that they are two responsible adults that although they have different values to yours do love and cherish your daughter. Then the only thing you need to give them help with is the distress you yourself feel when they allow your daughters dangerous escapades on the sofa.you can tell them how thankful you are that they are there to stop her from falling off and hurting herself. you can often achieve more with a honey aproach than with vinegar. as for the rest let them get on with it on the days the are watching her and you can be in control the other days; this way you will find she will have lots of wonderful and different experiences thanks to the two apposing ideas of care... children tend to survive in spite of us. also grandparents can be very valuable later on as they grow.
believe me I know I am one and care for my grandchildren three days each week.

Yani - posted on 08/06/2009

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I really understand your situation. I am so sorry. I never thought a problem with a mother in law could really affect a marriage. One of my friends just filed a divorce because she can't stand it anymore. Her husband is truly a Mamma's Boy :(

Patsy - posted on 08/06/2009

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I am a MIL and my belief is that there is a difference between providing care for grandchildren and getting to spoil them. Of course it's fun to be able to do little extras for them, but when we are in the role of care giver, we have a responsibility to them that is different. Part of that responsibility is to support the authority of the parents. Also, there have been many advances in the area of medicine since my children were the age of my grandchildren. I admire the fact that my daughter-in-law keeps abreast of these changes. I am sure that I do things that get on their nerves and I would hope they would talk to me about them rather than stress in silence.

Trish - posted on 08/06/2009

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Well, here's the thing: Your MIL did raise your husband...and you love him? So,she must have done something right!! LOL! Seriously, nowadays, there is so much to worry about, that we didn't have to even think of "back in the day". But really, assuming that your MIL doesn't know anything about raising children?? I think you need to relax a little, and I also know that making a big to do every time a little one gets a bump or fall isn't very productive. Kids do need to know boundaries, sure, but I really don't believe that your in laws just sit there and let her fall on her head!!

Kim - posted on 08/06/2009

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I get real upset sometimes, too. I feel like I am no longer the "MOM" just a third party to the situation. Don't get me wrong, I am very fortunate that my son (age 9) has been able to go to my MIL and never to day care. He did go to a montessori day school for 2 half days a week a year before kindergarten which did help with socialization (there are no other children in the family, he is a little adult) and probably needed more but sometimes they do just overstep their boundaries.

Nichole - posted on 08/06/2009

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I really feel for you. All of these things would drive me crazy as well. I have been in your position too many times and over the years as the kids get older it does get easier. I think you might need to make a decision as far as how often they get to watch your baby...not to punish them, but to simply keep the peace. You probably feel tense alot when you are around your in laws because of the way you feel and its not good for you or your baby because he/she will pick up on that. I learned a long time ago that its very important to let them know what your boundries are but also learn how to pick your battles. They dont need to except your boundries but they do need to respect you boundries. My mother in law spoils my kids and i think its great but she is very clear on what my rules are...but it didnt happen over night it was a learning process for all of us. In the long run everyone will get along better when the communication is regularly practised. I wish the best for your family. I hope my experience and advise will help you.

Donese - posted on 08/05/2009

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I think it is a problem everyone has run into along the way with thier inlaws and even your own parents, I known me and my husband did. The only thing I think you can do is for you to sit down and talk with them. If they won't listen to you put your daughter in daycare. I hope you can work this out with htem. Good luck

Sharyn - posted on 08/04/2009

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Thats just the reason why i dont let my inlaws watch my daughter, granted she is only 8 months old but i've already had a request from the nanna to let her watch her grandaughter for a week, i said no flat out ...
My MIL wont listen to me and i just know she'll do something behind my back.

Sharon - posted on 08/04/2009

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Its frustrating ain't it? My mother is asian and they do things WAY differently over there. I tried to keep this in mind when my first child was born. I let her get away with some things that in the end weren't going to hurt my child. But other things I put my foot down.



Although in keeping him safe, omg, she was worse than me. He started walking at 6 months and she freaked out thinking it would cause his legs to bow permanently. She bought bumpers for all of her furniture and mine and wanted to put a double layer of premium padding under the carpets in case he fell down.



when she says "nothing happened when my boys were little" tell her, "OH my you got so lucky! My doctor says ........ so please don't feed her honey."



And try asking for her opinion on something not very important.



People who have BTDT and are going into their senior years have a hard time believing that child in front of them knows better than they do.



Is this their first grandchild?

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I would be finding a new babysitter and fast, especially with them letting her crawl across the couch like that.



its one thing to spoil a grandchild but it sounds like the in laws are taking it overboard, you need to find someone that is going to listen when you tell them that she needs to be taken care of the way you feel is right.



You are going to need to sit down with them and see if they can change, if they can all the better but if they cannot dont live with it find someone else you trust to do it. You cannot jeperdize her safety over their being happy.



Oh, and sometimes grandparents aren't better or more knowledgeable than the childs own parents (you'd know what I mean if you met my mother! lol) You know your child and how best to raise her, try to find a like minded person to watch over her.

Leigh - posted on 08/04/2009

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hmm, when do we learn not to sweat the small stuff? In all honesty we all go through stressful times where our inlaws & babies are concerned, especially if it's the first grandbaby. Just the other day, I was saying to my husband that when it comes to our time for looking after our grandbabies (which should not be for quite a few years yet) I won't be telling my son's or daughter in laws anything that we will be doing, I just want them to leave the baby & go. You know deep down your inlaws would not do anything to seriously jepordise their grandbaby. So far they've done all these disagreeable things & yet she's survived just fine. Grandparents are there to experience all the good bits from the grandbabies, all the crappy bits get handed back to the parents. I assume that you have returned to work/study for them to have so much time with their grandbaby, as such they have probably changed their whole routine to suit, which can be a big ask, so maybe you need to sit & have an honest discussion on what you're feeling. Good luck.

Angie - posted on 08/04/2009

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I am so sorry for you troubles, but is there someone else that can watch your child? I had problems with my MIL, but I stood up to her and saying that if she didn't do I want for my child, then I have no problem taking them away. You are the mother...she had her turn with her kids and now it is YOUR turn... I have started to tune her out...and it works quite well!

If you can't find someone else, have your husband stand up to them!!!

Yes they are grandparents and they should spoil, but they should also respect your wishes as a parent...

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