in laws are starting to get crazy over my baby

Patricia - posted on 02/03/2015 ( 6 moms have responded )

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This has probably been discussed here many times, but I really need to let it out.
I am currently 5 months pregnant, almost 6. And this whole time, I have been under a lot of stress because of my in laws, particularly my MIL and brothers in law. They drive me crazy! This will be the first grandchild from my husband's side of the family so I don't blame them for being excited. I'm pretty happy that they are, but its gotten to the point that they have gone crazy over it. I was barely 5 weeks pregnant and my MIL decided that she will throw me a baby shower. Ok, fine with me. She has been obsessed about it ever since. Every time we see her, all she talks about is the baby shower. The worst part is she speaks very little English so everything she says is translated by my husband, and she can talk for hours about the whole thing. She already picked the day, time, and location without even confirming with me and my husband if it will work for us. She said she will be inviting over 50 people, all of which I have never met. I can imagine it being so awkward :( My family wanted to help out and be involved in the baby shower but MIL said she doesn't want anybody getting in her way. It's her way or the high way. Another problem we are having right now is the name we gave our baby. We decided to name him Noah. But my MIL insisted to change it to William. She thinks its not right because it's biblical and she is not a Christian. She argued about it with my husband which is ridiculous. She went as far as saying that she will call him William instead. She thinks she's entitled to do whatever she wants because she's doing us a lot of favors, all of which we never asked for her to do.Then she is also planning on shopping for the baby. She said she will buy the crib, stroller, car seat, etc. Pretty much everything. She told me not to buy anything. Just diapers. My parents are irritated because they feel like she wants to do everything and they are being left out in the picture. She tells me what to do, what to buy, how to save, etc. She keeps giving me advices I don't need. She is always on my space! Another issue is my brothers in law. They are going overboard with trying to make everyone close. The thing is my husband's family are not close. They have so many issues with each other. Ans for some reason they think my son is the solution to their family issues. They all keep on talking about how they can't wait to have him over for sleepovers, take him out, spoil him, and do everything for him. They keep saying that my son is what's gonna bring their family close together. That they can start holiday traditions and family gatherings. I know that having a new addition to the family can definitely help bring family closer. But I just think that if they really want to get along, they would do it, without the help of my baby. It's like they are depending on him to solve their issues. And I would really hate that they have to always use him as an excuse just to make themselves feel better about each other. They also always invite themselves over to our place. They will just show up or call my husband and say they are around the area so they want to stop by. Then they talk to me and act as if we are close (we were never close before, we hardly ever talked to each other). I find it so rude and also annoying how they never used to come over and act like we never existed and now all of a sudden they feel like they can just come over all the time and act as if we have always been close. And I hate how they keep saying "hi family!" every time they come over. Just because we are having a baby, now we are family all of a sudden? And if there's not baby, then we are all on our own? My brother in law recently posted a pic on his instagram sitting on our porch saying "home sweet home" and that really bothers me. I know it will only get worse when the baby gets here. My MIL constantly calls my husband everyday asking about the baby, and he's not even born yet! I can see her coming over every single day wanting to babysit him and do everything. My family is pretty upset and worried because I'm so stressed. My husband tried talking to his family but they don't listen. They think they are only doing what's right. They are honestly scaring me and I want to move away as far as possible!

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/04/2015

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To add one more thing to what Trisha said, if you want people OUT of the delivery room, TELL THE NURSE! They will clear the room at any point for you. If you need to have privacy with the nurse to tell her about the situation, ask her to check how far you are dilated. They will automatically get everyone out of the room, and then you can fill her in. They can say something like "onlu 2 people at a time are allowed as visitors, one being the husband. You can all take turns" That way it is hospital policy instead of you being rude. I am sure the nurse will be experienced in how to handle the situation. You will not be the first, nor the last.

Trisha - posted on 02/04/2015

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YES! Little Miss mentioned something VERY important.
Mothers, and MILs will push their way in early if given the opportunity. My SIL only wanted my brother in the room, but both Mom's ended up in there, regardless of how much she communicated this with people.
I am even going as far as to not tell anyone I am in labor, and have given birth until my husband, baby, stepson and I have time to rest, relax and bond with just us.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/04/2015

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Also, your husband needs to step up and create some barriers here. I would plan in advance who you want in the delivery room, (everyone will at least want to be in the waiting room) and set up a loose schedule for yourself for visitations of the baby after birth at home. That they MUST call ahead, and if they don't.....tell them baby is napping. To call first!! Also, if they are visiting to often, and if they are calling in advance, then tell them he already has visitors already and tomorrow would be better at whatever time you want.

As far as the name, NEVER tell ANYONE YOUR BABY NAME!!! NOT until it is on the birth certificate. For now on, tell everyone you have not decided. If people keep pressuring, just say you and dad need to be the deciders, and you don't want to talk about names with anyone anymore.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/04/2015

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Well, good thing you can have more than one baby shower! Let his family throw you one, then your family throw you one. Of course invite the IMMEDIATE in laws, but non of their extended family and friends. Let YOUR family do a separate one. They have every right. This one can have all of your friends, and your family and co-workers.

Your mother in law is out of control. Tell her that you need to save things for the baby registry so others can purchase items. Tell her please don't buy anything more for your baby yet. Then do a registry with all the items that you want and need. Let her go fucking nuts! But at least you can pick out what you want this way. Make the baby showers the excuse, and let your family see it also. Anything everyone gets will be checked off. This may not completely control the situation but it can help guide at least. If MIL gets you things off the registry, make sure you ask for the receipt ;P

Raye - posted on 02/03/2015

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I don't usually disagree with Trisha, but I have to say something here. I'm a very private person and all this that you describe would drive me insane. I would want to take my baby to a cave and live there in peace. The MIL wanting to change his name and then saying that she's just going to call him that anyway... SERIOUSLY! Holy Cow! Some of it you probably will have to just deal with. But don't let them railroad you, because then they will keep doing it. If your husband agrees with you but can't talk sense into them, then maybe you both need to force them to back off for a while. It's your baby not theirs.

I have a pushy MIL and I give in to her only to a point. If there's something I really don't agree with, I stand my ground. My husband too. That's why she wasn't invited to our wedding, because she would have taken over the whole thing!

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Trisha - posted on 02/03/2015

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Whoa whoa whoa!
Only my opinions - take heed, and do what you want.
First - let your MIL plan a babyshower for you. I said A baby shower, because then give your side of the family the okay to plan something that is more for you. If you get too much stuff (and you will) you can keep some of it for friends/family that will be having babies soon down the line, or give it away to a needy family you find on kijiji/facebook groups.
The family is right. A baby WILL very likely bring the family close together. They obviously are excited, and you might find that you enjoy the family get together.
This very much happened to my family when the first grandbaby was born.
I remember my family was very close when i was a young child, and then grew apart as we got older. Now that there is a baby in the family everyone find excuses to get together and enjoy each other's company. You will have to set down boundaries of course if you are not interested in people dropping by unannounced.
I live 2.5 hours away from my family, so I know that I have no options, other than paying a babysitter to watch my baby when it comes (I am 6 months as well), but my brother and sister-in-law can BOTH work, and not pay a dime to childcare because everyone loves having my niece over.
My niece benefits 100% from this situation. One couple barely has the amount of energy that child does, so the child isn't stimulated by the level of activity she needs, whereas during these get togethers SOMEONE always has enough energy to chase her around the house, play hide and go seek, do a puzzle with her...
Try to embrace it. It scares you now, but I bet you will enjoy the freedoms you will get from their excitement and involvement.
Regarding the name, well...that is just dumb. You will disagree on many things with your In-Laws. Just stick to your guns and let them know your boundaries.
To be fair...:) I am relieved I live far away, so I don't have to put up with a lot of the things you are talking about, but at the same time... I miss a lot of it, and wish I had some of the advantages of being close to them.

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