In-laws before wife

Jess - posted on 02/08/2016 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Married to my husband for 18months.
Before marriage I knew he ran the family business - an optician.
They told me that I would have responsibilities marring the eldest son and support him.
Post marriage I left my career to start a life in a new city with my husband. My intension was to apply for jobs in the career I wanted and help out full-time out at shop whilst I was not employed. Which I expressed clearly.
First 6months I lived with my inlaws and worked with my husband 6 days a week, leaving the house at 8 am and coming home at 7pm. After a arguing I manage to drop a day.
Tension started to grow, I felt I was not a good enough worker at the shop. I started to loose my confidence. Any mistake, my inlaws would find out as they could see the tension.
I told my H that I wanted to start applying for jobs as I wasn't happy there and I wanted to do something that I enjoyed and linked to my ambition.
His response was that I was being selfish and I needed to support him to make a success. His ambition was to grow the business and have an empire of opticians, which benefit us.
I was working on a small salary taking a huge pay cut from my previous job and it was a family business owed legally by my father in law. So no information of profits or anything of that nature was discussed with me. All future plans was discussed with father and son- my H. My H told me that our relationship will not work if I don't support him in the business.
I felt uncomfortable with it all.
We argued, argued and argued.

Inlaws felt I was not integrating into the family and was not making the effort. - I thought I was.
Mother in law and sister in law gave me the cold shoulder on many occasions.
E.g I invited them to eat at our house and they rejected my offer in a rude manner.

It made them uncomfortable when I visited my family and felt I should be going with my H, who showed no enthusiasm to see my family and never had the time.

My inlaws now wish to set me free from the mortgage ( which I was paying along with all the utility bills and council tax).
My H couldn't get a mortgage on his name when we tried to apply for joint tenancy so ended up on my name. We tried to change it post marriage, banks refused.
Inlaws was very disappointed and unhappy, they even stated we should not move into our matrimonial house until my H is on the deeds of the property. I moved into our house despite their wishes as the relationship between all of was growing sour.

In order to set me free I would have to FIL take a mortgage and add his name on the deeds. I refused politely they stopped talking to me and my H was disappointed.

My inlaws are very controlling and have a lot hold on our relationship.
The business - financial, and now our matrimonial house .
The authoritarian personalty treated seem to match their relationship. FIL being the authorities figure and MIL the influencer.

My husband has supported my inlaws decisions and views. We argue a lot.

I no longer work for their business and found a job that enjoy.
My husband has recently told me he doesn't think our relationship is going to work as his family will never accept me and he doesn't feel I have supported him.

I feel my husband puts his family first and I don't know how to win his heart.
I respect my husband for caring for his parents but also wish he can stop hurting me to please them.
I've made so many efforts but it's not worked.

How do i change a mummies & daddies boy to a man?

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Sarah - posted on 02/09/2016

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So at this point you need to choose; work in the family business or pursue your career. You aren't choosing your career over your husband; you want both. That is fine, and you can tel him that pursuing your career will make you happy and in turn a happier partner in the marriage. If that is not good enough for him then that is sad; but his decision. He may not like it but perhaps once he sees how you are happy and helping to support the family in your own career, he will realize that you aren't his property or employee by marriage.

Jess - posted on 02/08/2016

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Yes I agree I didn't know my husband before I married him.
Culturally it is frowned upon to live with someone before marriage. Which I certainly don't agree with especially now!

I'm a Hindu and my husband is Sikh.
Yes I do believe in out culture it was common for a girl to leave her family and take her inlaws as hers.
unfortunately i didn't understand my husband before I married him. I thought we on the same page - priorities - us, our individual careers, families, friends.
I wasn't told that I was expected to work at the shop as I had already expressed where I wanted to go in my career.
I didn't know my husband loved his family soo much that he would sacrifice our relationship.

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Sarah - posted on 02/08/2016

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You probably can't. Unless he agrees with you that things need to change. Is there a cultural basis for this need to support the family business? You will be most happy working in a career you have a passion for; and you will make money to support your family. You need to get on the same page with your spouse. This should have all been worked out BEFORE you married the man

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