In-laws still have picture of Son's Ex-wife on the wall

[deleted account] ( 23 moms have responded )

Is it weird or am I looking into this too much but my in-laws still have pictures that flash over and over again with my husbands ex wife in them on their computer screen plus a family portrait still hanging on the wall with her in it as well. This makes me uncomfortable when I visit them and not to mention they absolutely despise this woman and she's not allowed on their property which her oldest son lives in a separate home as well. My husband knows this makes me uncomfortable and has actually taken some of the pictures off the computer. I'm his new wife and I don't expect them to throw them away but tucking them in a drawer or photo album is an option and should be done out of respect for me. Might I add his family loves me and is elated that their son is away from the horrible ex wife... What's your opinion???

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Ev - posted on 03/12/2015

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Exactly, Angie. The others have plainly said it. I may not know what its like to be the second or third wife. I chose instead to focus on my kids during the time since the divorce. But I have seen what the kids have gone through with their step moms especially the current one. They came tome crying and upset one time because their step mom and dad were saying bad things about me in front of them. My kids were 17 and 10 at the time. They had also told me of other times their step mom had said things along with dad about me but this time must have been so bad it upset them. I told them that their dad and step mom were hurting themselves more than me because they were talking about a person they did not really know well and were not concentrating on the important things--the blended family and their marriage. My kids got a bit of shock at my reaction but I told them that it did not bother me. And your post here reminds me of that situation greatly. If a person will worry over things like this a lot and do not worry about the important things in life then that person is hurting himself or herself more. And it seems that this has been bugging you a lot. If you worry about it more than the marriage, relationships with family members and the kids and other things, you are tearing yourself up.

[deleted account]

Evelyn- I have had several people I know personally that have said they would like it as well so I'm not alone in this. His oldest is married like I have said and I was at the wedding with his ex and he had pictures taken with Mom & Dad in them and I had no problem with that and I was also in the pictures with my hubby as well and this was all the year before we married. I have no problem with those pics cause I don't see them displayed at my In-laws but wouldn't be bothered if I saw them at my Step Son's home. You said your not a second or third wife so you still haven't been in my shoes nor do you have experience with this and you seeing pics of your ex with his new family isn't the same. I wouldn't be bothered by my ex's new family if he had one either... No I can't dictate what someone chooses to display in their home but I could definitely recognize that someone possibly could be bothered. Like my parents have been divorced for years since I was a baby and my step father came in to my life 2 years after that and I would never display a picture of my parents on the wall out of respect for my step dad cause I love him just as much. I do have pictures of them tucked away in an album and can look at them anytime.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/12/2015

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Angie, the 'type' of person you're displaying here is a very petty, obsessed one.

You cannot demand others change things to suit you.

I, too, am a second wife. If my inlaws chose to display pictures of my sd & her mother, so be it...It's THEIR personal space, not mine. Personally? I didn't even mention it ONCE, let alone go online and rant about it repeatedly, so your talk about judging...apply it to yourself.

Be an adult.

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Raye - posted on 03/12/2015

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Angie, this site can be very helpful. Even when people offer opinions that don't match your own, it may help you to realize what action (if any) you wish to take. We're not meaning to be offensive to you, just offering you a different perspective.

I am a second wife and step-mother. My husband has custody of both of his kids. The bio-mom is still very much in our lives and she creates a lot of drama and hardship for everyone she's in contact with. My MIL does not get along with her at all. Even when the kids' mom is supposed to drop them off at my MIL's house, she will coordinate it through my husband instead of talking to my MIL directly. However, my MIL still has family pictures up in her home of this woman, my husband, and their kids all together. I initially felt a little pang of jealousy, hurt, or whatever, but I got over it. It is a little uncomfortable, but it's her home and she has a right to have whatever photo's up that she wants. My MIL also loves me and says how fortunate they are that I am in their lives. I'm sure she is not keeping the photos up as any kind of insult to me. So I don't let it bother me.

If you are continually bothered by it, then you should (tactfully) let her know that it makes you uncomfortable. If she chooses to change them, then great. But if not, you just have to get past it. It is a small issue to be so bent out of shape about.

[deleted account]

Chana- You are 100% correct I have control of my future not anyone else. I just had a problem with people attacking me from the beginning before getting all the facts & not realizing that this site is for discussions. I'm new to this group & honestly I will probably cancel my membership I am usually a very private person and don't do drama. Facebook is the only social network I previously use and I put nothing personal or drama on it.... Thanks again :)

Chana - posted on 03/12/2015

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Angie, They are your feelings right or wrong and regardless of who does or does not agree with you, you have to accept them and do something about them.

[deleted account]

Evelyn- Believe me this issue is not at the top of my list just something I wanted to discuss with people on the outside. I put my relationship with my husband and my kids and step kids at fore front and put way bigger issues ahead of this... Thanks!

Chana - posted on 03/12/2015

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I agree with what everyone is saying, the one thing I haven't seen and I may have overlooked it is that you have to accept that fact that you are the second wife. I being a second that was hard for me at first and it had nothing to do with my in-laws. Now neither of us had children but there were still pictures in the house. The pictures have since been removed but not at my request, it actually bothered my husband more. As the second wife there are just things you have to accept the biggest and hardest two for me was first that he was married before and the second was that he shared the same house with his ex-wife. That was the hardest for me so in both causes I had to make it my own. I made my in-laws family and I made the house ours. You have to accept his past and make the present yours.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/12/2015

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Ok, so if you are feeling this strongly about it, right or wrong, say something. Bring it up in a very non accusatory manor. Let them know it makes you uncomfortable. Please don't start bashing the ex, or speaking ill of her in anyway, or it will just make you look petty. Listen to their response. Don't debate it. Just lay out your feelings, and own them without belittle anyone elses responses, or being hurtful.

That is all you can do. If they take them down, great. They may not even notice they are their, or know how you feel. Heck, they may not even know how to change them.

Ev - posted on 03/12/2015

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Angie--

I am only trying to point out what the rest here have said to you as well: You can not dictate people's home decor or anything else about how they live in their home.

I may not be a second wife or a third wife, but as first wife to the man of my children, I grew to learn that he was going to have his life and I had mine. If he displayed things in his house I did not like I could not make him display anything about it. Since his mother and I are still friends, if she has something in her house that has pics of him and the family with the current wife in them, I look them over. I do not get along with the new wife at all...I am polite to her and that is it. I am in a few pics with the new wife as it is...daughter's wedding.
The thing is this...these people are still part of the lives of those we dear to ourselves and will always be there. We can not just tuck them away like a memory. What are you going to do when his kids get married? Mom most likely will be there then....you have to learn to deal with it.
As with anything in this life we all have, there are going to be things that are not going to agree with each of us and sometimes there is not much we can say to change it as its not really in our power to do so like taking pics down of an ex in the home of the inlaws or our children.

[deleted account]

Little Miss Cant Be Wrong- No my Ex-MIL does not have pics displayed of me or with her son on the wall or us as a previous family. She does have pics of my kids/her grandkids. I see and talk to my Ex-MIL regularly as well I love her like a mother. She would not display pics with us two in them as to not cause pain to either of us as well. I am a person who is very cautious of others feelings and could actually recognize that something may bother someone. This woman is no longer a part of their lives either they want nothing to do with her nor does her oldest son who had to cut ties to her after she tried to physically attack her daughter in law while her newly born first grandbaby lay next to the Momma. Oh & no apology for her actions either. Like I already said I would not have an issue if this woman were a good person but good mothers don't Alienate her children and try to destroy the relationship with the father...

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/12/2015

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Angie, does your ex- MIL have any pictures of you still in her home with your ex and children? Any at all? Or do you not know cause you don't visit any more?

It simply comes down to you trying to dictate what photos can be on display that reflect your personal level of comfort. It is their home, their computer, and their choice. They may not even notice those pictures, or they want them for sentimental value to try and rememver the good in this women that is still part of their lives.

I am sorry you are having issues with this, but try to understand that them having these pictures is not meant to be a direct insult to you. Especially if they care about you. Please care for them and respect their choices.

[deleted account]

Evelyn- It is not just about the pics but the 30 inch computer screen that has her flashing every 30 seconds that bothers me. Like I said before if she were a good person it probably wouldn't bother me but the fact she has caused my husband so much pain and has bashed me my kids and actually sends explicit messages to my husband is wrong and I want no part of it. I actually could have been cordial to her but from the beginning she hated me for no reason even with her being the one that filed the divorce for a second time might I add. I am not a hard person to get along with and could easily forgive and forget but she doesn't work that way. It's drama that she thrives on and I don't want to look at her its not because I'm jealous of what they had at all I also had a previous life but I choose to tuck those memories away and will pass along to our children in time

Ev - posted on 03/11/2015

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The bottom line though is you can not make demands on other people or what they do in their homes. And if you are mature, then you would also be understanding that this is a place that is seen by women all over the world and that their opinions will not always agree with yours. I am not saying you are not a nice person or anything of that nature or that you do not get along with others even ex family members. But the point is that you expect this new mother inlaw to change her home for your benefit. And that is petty. That is what your post reflects to me. Its the way it reads. If a person can not get over some old pictures with the ex being in them in someone's home, that makes me wonder about that.

[deleted account]

I love my ex mother in law like a mother and visit her regularly and have a good relationship with all of my ex's family which shows the type person I am

[deleted account]

This is not a contest thank you I'm a mature adult as well. However I do know what type person this woman is she is a narciss who is participating in Parental Alienation of the most horrible kind so I'm sorry if I don't want to see her face plastered everywhere while my husband is in pain. Think about it. If she was a good person it may not bother me seeing her pics. Don't judge before you know! Thanks

Ev - posted on 03/11/2015

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I am a divorced mom of two kids 25 and 18. I have been divorced for over 13 years now. Just to make my point: My ex's wife (third wife in the count) had a fit back when my daughter picked out pics for a Senior Sunday that was to celebrate the graduation from high school for the grads of that church that went into a slide show for the event. She hated the fact that my daughter picked out one picture in particular that had me, her father and her in it when she was a baby at her aunt's wedding (my sister who was not in the photo). It was a close up of us three. She thought it should not have been part of the selection but it was not her slide show or her senior graduation. This woman has also had to share in other family events not liking the fact that I am there as well. She needed to learn to deal with it. But on a serious note, you can not dictate to others what their home is decorated with even the pictures. Maybe they do have fond memories of her otherwise you do not know about or that is just how they want their house to be. I am sure that you get along well with the inlaws and that is fine. A lot of second and third wives do or however many down the line they are. Do you think my ex mother inlaw and I are at odds? No, we are not. We get along just fine and visit from time to time. The last time I was at her house over this past weekend to get my son from there because she had things to do that day, she gave me a hug! She has also admitted that she and her current daughter in law do not always get along well.

[deleted account]

For one i don't expect to be talked to like you are thanks. Also I am very much aware there was a family before me and I also had a previous family myself. I don't display pictures of my children's dad on the walls however they may in their bedrooms if they'd like. My parents don't display pics either cause I wouldn't want to see them displayed and we were once a family as well and my parents would respect my wishes. As for my kids they are 17 and 20 so not little kids and his kids are 24, 22 & 16 so no little either. You are right that its their home but their son doesn't care for it either. Oh by the way I'm a second wife so I don't marry just be marrying I was previously married 20 years. Believe me I'm not insecure either i just choose not to look at my husband's ex wife flashing every 2 seconds while i try to visit my in-laws which by the way i love and get along with well. Have you been divorced and remarried? If not possibly you wouldn't know how you'd react :)

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/11/2015

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Here's another second (or third) wife who doesn't seem to understand that it is not HER place to criticize her new inlaws for their choice of photos that they display, or their choice of people to associate with.

You made a choice to marry a man with a history, Angie, and that history does not go away just because he's got a new wife. It doesn't work that way. Your husband had a wife and family before you came along, and that family did not just disappear. The woman was part of your inlaw's extended family, as you are, and most likely birthed their grandchildren, so why in the world would they wish to banish her completely from their sight, just because their son's new wife might get her feelings hurt?

You can't choose friends and acquaintances for other people, nor can you (or should you) dictate to them the 'appropriate' photos, etc to display in THEIR personal spaces. YOU do not have to display these things in YOUR personal home, but you should not presume to demand that others change what they've done or are doing because it makes you feel insecure. Get over it. You're with him now, she's not.

The fact that your husband felt that it was his place to alter displays in his PARENTS' home indicates that some maturity is needed somewhere.

Ev - posted on 03/11/2015

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Okay, this sound similar to a post I answered where this poster was upset about a picture on the wall with the ex wife in it and the husband and child from a previous relationship. She thought the MIL should have taken it down and replaced it with other picture so she did not have to look at it because it bothered her.

You did get married to a man who had a relationship with someone ahead of your and had a family with her. At one time those pictures of his family were put up with joy and happiness until the relationship ended and seemed to still remain. You eventually came into his life and married him knowing that he had a family from previous times and that also includes children as well.

That being said, your inlaws have the right to hand what pictures they want up in their home. If there are children maybe it is to help them when they visit or they just did not think or see the need to take them down. You can not simply go in their home and expect them to follow any demands that they have things to be done your way. By making demands even through your husband that this be done is not going to endear you to the inlaws and cause a lot of friction with your husband.

Also making those demands is going to cause problems with the kids too if there are any because their mom is going to be around until they grow up and leave the home and even after that to some extent as she was in the family for a period of time.

How do you know that she is such a horrid person? How do you know that at one time his parents loved her a lot too? Do not make this a contest.

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