In my right mind or just being territorial as a BioMom?

Brandy - posted on 02/12/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )

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Just a little background - My ex and I divorced when our daughter was just an infant. And given the circumstances, we get along pretty well. He started dating a "friend" of mine, who was also my co-worker at the time. They are now married, and I am also re-married (to the man I've been dating since my daughter was two).

I feel like because of our "history" and that we used to be friends, she now feels like she has all of these "rights" as a step-mom. She is very involved in mu daughter's life, which is fine. But she is definitely involved beyond what most step-parents are. I do understand that my ex is in the military and is away a lot, so she fills it is her responsibility to take care of the things that he normally would, but there is still a limit, still boundaries.

Her taking my daughter to get her hair cut (and without asking or even telling me) - NOT okay.

Her deciding she doesn't like my daughter's Dr. because his treatment was too aggressive (my daughter has had the same Dr. since she was two) so she insisted to my ex that we get her a new Dr. - I wanted to avoid confrontation, so I obliged and found a new Dr. even though I didn't want to.

Her deciding that my daughter isn't progressing "fast" enough at the gymnastics facility I was taking her to, so she insisted we switch her to a different one (which is where she went as a child and closer to their house so I was no longer able to take my daughter to gymnastics, her step-mom does) - Seriously? Again, to avoid arguing and make her feel included, I obliged.

Her completing portions of my daughter's school paperwork on my ex's behalf or attending "Meet-the-Teacher" night before I got there... again, on my ex's behalf. - I understand he is away, but I'm still her Mom and that's what I'm here to do whether he is in town or not.

Her telling my daughter who she should or shouldn't call Aunt and Uncle. (My daughter calls a couple of my closest friends Aunt and Uncle because she's known them her entire life. Her step-mom felt it was necessary to explain to her that those people aren't her REAL aunt and uncle). - Of course I got upset.

Her STATING that she would be going to my daughter's school on picture day to make sure her hair is brushed and she is ready for pictures. - One of our first big fights given that her and my ex weren't even married yet AND she didn't even ask if I was already handling this, or if I would like her to... she just STATED. (Her reasoning... they pay for pictures too and she has the right to make sure my daughter is freshened up before pics are taken).

Last, for right now, but certainly not least... our most recent issue (which we haven't spoken since - last Friday). I sometimes feel she is too hard on my daughter. She is constantly on her back or getting on to her for the smallest things. She personalizes everything. She jumps to punishments that (to me) aren't deserved. Even her and my ex have had arguments about her getting on to our daughter so much. I used to receive calls from her almost weekly with just complaints about my daughter. Things that I normally wouldn't even think about. She's 8, makes straight A's, only gets into trouble at school for talking or "visiting" too much in class. Has the occasional attitude or "talking back" that needs adjustment (like most girls her age), but overall, one of the most polite and well-mannered children (and I'm not just saying that because she's my daughter, I get compliments all of the time about her)... So overall, I feel like... chill out. Relax and stop breathing down her back for every little thing. Stop analyzing everything she does and says. Obviously, me saying that (as politely and with as much sincerity as possible) didn't go over well.

Am I overreacting? These are just a few examples of issues over the past few years. I just need advice to help keep things as civil as possible and get an outsiders perspective.

Thanks,
Desperate BioMom

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Michelle - posted on 02/12/2014

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From some of the examples you have posted you have let her get her way for a while so now she thinks she can make choices all the time. You need to have a talk (all 3 parents) about what she can and can't make decisions about. Maybe even set up mediation so you have a 3rd party taking notes and helping with the different scenarios that can happen.

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