In need of advised!!

Carol - posted on 10/04/2010 ( 33 moms have responded )

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I am a new mother to a 9 old month baby. My problem is the father of my son. he wants us to be together and be a family. thats what i would want to, but theres a problem. this man is always abusing me emotionaly and sometimes fisically. he calls me bad names in front of my son. i fight back because i dont like that even though his little, i think he feels the environment too. after doing it all this which I call it his episodes, he apologizes and says that he was wrong. after that he forgets and he goes back to do it again. he insist that his not leaving the house because he loves his family. im confused of what to do, i feel like leaving and never coming back but he need to be part of his son also. sometimes I feel trap,and I want the best for my son.

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Cheryl - posted on 10/07/2010

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Sounds like he wants his "property" back. Of course, neither you nor your son are his property. Neither you or your son are being cherrished, which is the type of love you need and want. I don't think this father has the ability to do that at this time. It's time for you to focus and get the skills you need to be independant. There are many programs available to help women in abusive situations become independent. You need to find them in your community. What ever you do at this point, do not find another boyfriend to take care of you. You need marketable skills, your baby needs you. You need the self respect that marketable skills can bring you. You are on the edge of a trap, that you can choose to escape from at this point. Take the advice of these ladies, move out, do not accept him back. He has no self control, he is a 2 year old wearing a man's body. One of you needs to grow up and take responsibility. You have more motivation, you are seeking guidence and you are a mother. Check out these links by copying them and pasting them.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic...

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic...

The following was pasted from Helpguide.org.

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Do you:

feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does your partner:

humiliate or yell at you?
criticize you and put you down?
treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
blame you for his own abusive behavior?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:

have a bad and unpredictable temper?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?
Does your partner:

act excessively jealous and possessive?
control where you go or what you do?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
constantly check up on you?


Physical abuse and domestic violence
When people talk about domestic violence, they are often referring to the physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack.

Sexual abuse is a form of physical abuse
Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, people whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.

It Is Still Abuse If . . .
The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.
The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship. Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to physically assault you.
The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted!
There has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.

I used Bing and typed in domestic abuse help. There are a lot more sites that can help you find help. God bless and keep you and your son safe.

Patricia - posted on 10/06/2010

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hi i was in your situation but i was the child in this case. my mum met this guy and had a baby with him but he would have episodes at least 2 times a week (more if he drank) it started off him beating my mum even when she was pregnant and i was always scared to return home from school then one day he started turning on me and even held a knife to me. it broke the family apart and social services got involved and took us kids away from her, this is something i would never wish on someone else but my point is it was horrible seeing my mum get kicked about like that i thought he could end up killing her and it's a horrible upbringing. i'm sure you want the best for your child so don't put him through that. it might not get that bad but they always say im sorry and it wont happen again but it always does. he's still a part of his daughters life but there is always someone there when he visits as he still can't be trusted. men like that can easily turn on there kids specailly if they see red. sorry for the long comment lol hope this helps xx

Brenda - posted on 10/06/2010

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Carol,
From one battered woman to another...It is never going to change. It does get worse and can lead to your child being abused.

When I was 24, I was so in love with this man. I had a son prior to us being together. He took in my son as if he was his own. We had a wonderful relationship for the first 2 yrs. One night I was cooking supper and he came in from work mad. I still don't know about what. All I do know is he decided he wanted something different for supper after I had spent all afternoon working on it. I ask him to go ahead and eat what he had ask for that morning and I would fix him the other the next night. As I turned around I caught a 9x13 cake pan to the side of the head. (My toddler son was sitting in his high chair next to me and was covered with the HOT contents of the pan. My ex stomped out of the room telling me to clean up the mess and shut up my squalling brat! I was mortified. My son was beet red from the heat of the food, I managed to get it all off him before he was severely burned. After getting everyone and everything cleaned up, I went to find my ex. He had left the house and gone to a local resturant for a steak dinner alone. I went back home and after putting my son to bed, cried myself to sleep. The ex didn't bother coming home that night (found out later he had went home with the waitress). The next day I received 2 dozen roses, a new diamond set of earrings, and an apology. To make a long story shorter...It never changed. Each time it got worse and the presents got more expensive. When it finally hit me that I was nothing but a high priced private punching bag and hooker for this man, I ran with my son, a bag of clothes for each of us, the diaper bag, and my purse. I ended up in a battered women shelter two states away with no one I knew or loved able to know where I was. This fool hunted me down for a long time.

Now that I have had the time to heal, work on myself esteem, and do what was best for my son...Everything has changed. I have a wonderful man in my life that treats me and my child like we are more precious than his own life.

I am guess what I am trying to say is you will never find what you truly deserve in life if you don't get away from what you are settling for. I know it is a hard step. There were times when I thought I would be better off going back. I WAS DEAD WRONG! I hope hearing that you are not alone and that someone else has been there and made it through it to a happier ending helps.

Trust your gut instincts! YOU ARE SOMEONE SPECIAL! YOUR SON AND GOD LOVE YOU! THEY BOTH WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY AND BE TREATED THE WAY YOU WOULD WANT A MAN TO TREAT YOUR OWN DAUGHTER! Good luck! I know you are headed to a lot bigger and better things in life than you are accepting now!

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33 Comments

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Jessica - posted on 08/08/2011

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well then your in luck. he is not what is best for your son. You CAN leave and never go back. take your son and go.

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If you want what is best for your son then please don't go back to his Dad. If you hurts you in any way then its a bad relationship. You may care for each other but think of your child and what the fighting does to him

[deleted account]

Leave him! My sister went through the same thing, what's scary is that both myself and my mom where living in the same house and never knew about the physical attacks until months later.

It isn't worth staying. By leaving you are showing your son that what his father is doing is unacceptable behavior. It will help him not be abusive himself.

Karen - posted on 10/07/2010

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Run as fast as you can! This man will not change. I spent 34 years thinking if I stay he will change. Never happened. We had five kids, and this effected them. The oldest put up with the same thing from the man she married for 15 years before she got smart and left. Your child will grow up thinking this is the way it is to be, because he saw you put up wth it. Leave if you have no where to go find a shelter for batteed women. Donot go back unless he agrees to get counseling. Then wait a few months till he goes and proves he is willing to change his behavior. You must think about what this is doing to you son. Do you want him to grow up and treat his wife like you man is treating you? How long do you think it is going to take till your man starts to treat his son the way he treats you? Beleive me he will!

Amy - posted on 10/07/2010

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he is setting a bad example for your son. i dont think he is right for you or your son. every mom wants whats best for their kids and i think you know what you should do. your son does not need to be around that. go to a safe place if you feel scared.

SHAMILLAH - posted on 10/07/2010

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I AGREE WIT GRACIE SHE HIT IT ON THA NAIL...I KNOW U WANT TO BE A HAPPY FAMILY BUT IF ITS NOT ONE NOW THAN ITS NOT GOING TO BE ONE... AFTER YOU HAVE KIDS YOU HAVE TO STOP THINKING FOR YOURSELF AND THINK WHATS BEST FOR THE CHILD.. IM GLAD YOU ARE GOING TO GO GET COUNSELING CAUSE YOU R GOING TO NEED IT.
IF HE IS DOING THIS TO YOU WHEN YOUR SON GET OLDER HE WILL DO IT TO HIM SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT...........

Mary - posted on 10/07/2010

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I am a mother of three kids and if my husben ever thought of hitting me or anything I would leave and never look back cause children learn what they see and I know that you do not want your son to learn that it is ok to hit a women or to cause her emotional abuse when he grows up! So I say leave and do not look back go to court and let him see is son by what the court say and then he will know you are not just a lot of talk you can walk the walk!!!

Carolyn - posted on 10/07/2010

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You as a parent, your job to protect your child & your self. If you go back & listen to your own words, you know what you should do. No one else should have to tell you, your gut feelings are telling you. It sounds like your afraid of him or more of what he might do if you don't stay. You both need to talk to each other let him know how he makes you feel. Does he know or realize what it does to you, worse yet does he care? Talk, find out if things can change for your sake as well as the child. Communication is the foundation of any relationship. Best of Luck.

Kelly - posted on 10/07/2010

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Don't allow him in your life! His bad behavior is not a good example for your child, and it won't get better. Seek help from a crisis counselor, and a women's domestic violence group. You really need to understand why you are attracted to this situation, and find a way out. No man, should ever emotionallly, or physically abuse you. You are worth so much more, and when you can find the strength to value yourself more, you will find that your baby's daddy is a bad unhealthy place for both of you! I know this, because I spent 10 years with an abusive man, and we never had children, because I had 2 miscarriages, because of his abuse towards me. I went through 7 years of therapy and finally, through a domestic violence counselor escaped with my life. I am now Married to the most loving and supportive man, I ever met, and he is a role model, among role models. I was nearly unable to have children because of all the abuse from my previous relationship, but thank god I am pregnant with my 2nd child and am so grateful to the counselors at the domestic violence groups in New Jersey, they never gave up on me. Please seek help, if not for your life, than for the life of your child, he deserves a good life! AS DO YOU !!!! Your boyfriend abusing you is abusing his child too!!!!

Artrivia - posted on 10/07/2010

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A lot of people feel that staying is in the best interest of the child, but it's not always the case. Emotional and verbal abuse kills from the inside out. You are so drained and beaten inside that you have no strength to function. Don't wait for it to get better. As stated in a previous post, he is controlling every aspect of your life. He won't leave because he knows you won't make him. He's on a cycle of doing wrong and apologizing. It's easy to say leave. It's harder to do it, but you have to. Start now making provision for a "margin of safety". You can save for your own place and move, get a friend or family member to be on call so that when you are ready to make a move, you'll have somewhere to go. Be encouraged! The best thing for your son is giving him a strong mother.

Sophie - posted on 10/06/2010

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hi carol, you need to take your son out of that situation. if the father of your baby really wants to be in his childs life, he needs to seek help and get counseling to control is anger and 'episodes" and to show him how to be a better man and deal with you and his child. and realize.. you dont treat the ones you love that way and maybe professional help for the both of you. just to see if this relationship can be saved. good luck.. and remember you are blessed with a beautiful child and the childs safety and happiness comes first. keep me posted...

Tracy - posted on 10/06/2010

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Everyone on here is right! You need to get out and make a life for you and your son! He will not change and every apology you accept gives him permission to do it again! It will only get worse and there is nothing to stop him from starting in on your son! It only takes one wrong move for either of you to be dead! Be a strong woman and get out!!!!!! There are lots of resources for you no matter where you live! Good luck and God Bless!

Jena - posted on 10/06/2010

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i think its best for you and your son to leave.. you have to think about your son.. if he sees his dad treating you this way he might treat you the same.. my brother was like your baby daddy and my sister in law kicked him out (had to get the cops over) and took him to court.. she told the court how he treated her and they told my brother that he was allowed visitation.. men like that feel the need for control.. there has to be some way to get help.. some orginizations will help in any way

Alondra - posted on 10/05/2010

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you have to think of whats best for your son. and honestly i know what you mean that you want the father with your son but sometimes you have to also think whats best for you. would you want to still be physically abused and have your son watch while it happens? he doesnt deserve to be with you or your son.

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Maybe I am a little confused...but why on earth would you even think about having your baby around someone that doesnt even respect you?.....eventually that anger will find its way over to the baby.....this is no good.....

Missy - posted on 10/05/2010

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Well u really need to have a good think about you and ur son..I would never let a man treat me that way its just not right!!! if u don't get rid of him now he'll just keep doing it over and over and i'm sure you don't want ur son growing up like his father do u becoz dat's wats going 2 happen if he (dad) hangs around

Krista - posted on 10/04/2010

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Carol, he is CHOOSING to abuse the mother of his son. You ARE his family, and if he truly loved you, and truly loved his son, he would not lay hands on you in that manner.

Being a family means caring for each other. So he SAYS that he wants to be a family, but his actions do not back that up. And you need to ignore his words, because it is very easy to say, "I was wrong, I didn't mean to, I lost control, I love you, I want to be a family." Heck, I just said that, and I don't know you from a hole in the wall. You need to look at his ACTIONS.

Would you be happy and proud if your son grew up and treated his wife or girlfriend that way? Because children who grow up seeing abuse are FAR more likely to be in abusive relationships themselves. You want better than that for your little boy. And you deserve better than that for yourself. NO woman deserves to be hit. Ever.

You DO need to leave and never come back. If he wanted to be a part of his son's life, then he shouldn't have been abusing his son's mother. He's a big boy, and he's made his choice, and he'll just have to live with it.

If you look online for "domestic abuse hotline", you should find a toll-free number for your country. These people can help you. They can show you how to make a plan to leave and how to get you and your baby boy to a place where nobody will hurt you. Just make sure to clear your computer's browser history after you do the search, just in case he is checking your history to see what you're looking at.

[deleted account]

You need to figure out a way to leave. It's not going to be easy but I think you know you have no other choice?! Be strong

Sara - posted on 10/04/2010

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Leave his ass. You and your son don't need an abuser in your house. You both deserve better.

Alison - posted on 10/04/2010

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Carol, stop holding on to a dream. Do what you need to do (counseling sounds like a great idea) to find the strength to move out with your son. You do not want to form a family with this man, you want a family with the man in your head. Leaving does not mean he cannot be a part of your son's life.

Tyrae - posted on 10/04/2010

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If both of you want to be together suggest to him couples councelling. In order for someone professional to make him understand what it is he is doing to you. He obviously needs a good talking to, if he isn't willing to fix the situation with help, than there is no point on being with him. He is being a horrible example for his son. No one deserves to be treated that way, by anyone.

Tracy - posted on 10/04/2010

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Run. That's the ONLY answer to this dilemma. He lays hands on you. A real man NEVER lays hands on a woman, and most certainly not the mother of his child. There should be a battered women's shelter where ever you are, go there. They can help you find counseling, give you support, help you find a new home for you and your child, and help you with legal issues. You need to get a restraining order against this male child, establish custody and set child support and visitation (I'd reccomend supervised for now). You need to protect yourself, and raise your son to know that what his father does is NOT right and will NOT be tolerated under any circumstances.

Louise - posted on 10/04/2010

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Well Carol there is nothing left in this relationship for you. This man has thrown away his respect for you by treating you in this way. Take your son and leave it is never going to get any better it will only get worse. Do you really want your child seeing this? If this man is sorry then why does he not get help from an anger management programe. You need to start your life a fresh away from this man and I suspect he will come looking for you so seek advice from a solicitor for the best way to stop him interfering in your life. He will have access rights to the child but if he is unreliable and violent then I would ask them to be surpervised for your own protection. I know you want to be a family but believe me this is not the right man to spend your life with. There are lots of good men out there you do not need to put up with it. You only have one life Carol don't waste it.

Gracie - posted on 10/04/2010

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I guess Im not understanding the problem. Hes abusive both physically and emotionally and you are asking whether you should stay or not? Umm hello! Its not about the adults at this point, you have a 9month old to worry about. You really want to subject your baby to that! If you want him to follow in his footsteps, sure. If dont then you have to leave, for the benfit of your son. The father is never going to change if he knows that you are never going to do anything about it. I say, if you want whats best for your son then you should leave. Later, when your son is old enough to understand he will be happy you made that decision.

Emily - posted on 10/04/2010

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I can assure you your boyfriend doesn't "forget" about his promises. Abusing you and then apologizing is his way of having control over you. It's not an accident. You have to take a step back and see this for what it is: an abusive relationship that you NEED to get out of, if not for you, for your son's sake. This is not the example of a father that your child needs. I agree with finding a women's organization or other agency that can help give you the resources to be able to leave.

Carol - posted on 10/04/2010

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I am going to attend to counseling in my school because dealing with this situation makes me very depress.

Angie - posted on 10/04/2010

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What a horrible example your baby's father is for his son. I think you're right in not wanting this environment for your son. He doesn't have to leave the home if he doesn't want - maybe you should gather up your son and move out instead. I'm sure there are women's organizations in your area that could help you and your son get into a healthier environment.

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