In need of serious advice

Karina - posted on 03/18/2012 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Basically I don't think I want to be with my daughters father anymore.. we have been together 5 years our daughter is almost 2 and he does everything to take care of us he works while I stay home and take care of baby and focus on school he is a great dad and wants to be with me forever but I just don't feel the same at all but I feel bad because I know it would hurt him to know how I feel and I don't want him to feel like he worked so hard to take care of us and get me through school and now I want out... What do I do I know so many women would love a man like this and I have the power to stay and give my daughter a life with mommy and daddy together but I feel I would be sacraficing my own happiness if I stay

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

You need to address WHY you want out. What is missing from your relationship that you think you can get from being free of it?

Once you know that, you will be able to seek ways to fulfill that need within the relationship.



You may also want to seek professional help--it never hurts. Ask your husband to go with you. Just tell him that you are feeling unfulfilled in your relationship, and that as far as you can see, it is from no fault to him, but you need his help to be happy again. If he really loves you, he'll go with you. If not, see counselling on your own before ending the relationship.



From what you have posted here, I don't see any reason to end the relationship without giving it your best shot first. ALL relationships go through a phase of monotony--they get boring, a bit claustrophobic for a time--it is during that time that we are forced to look at what we truly want in our lives, for the rest of our lives, what made us fall in love in the first place, and make our relationship stronger. When you come out of that phase, the feeling is amazing.

Connie - posted on 03/19/2012

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my dear, love is something that you choose to do or not to do. you have to work at every day. you have to decide for yourself first why you want out...exactly. what is missing? I know this is going to sound hooky but go get the book the love dare. we are often under the belief that love just is and requires no work on our part so we never learn how to work on it...that is what the book teaches. ultimately you have to decide what is most important to you and the cost you are willing to pay to achieve it. Good luck and God bless!

Louise - posted on 03/19/2012

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Karina you have obviously been thinking this for some time. Why? If the love has gone from your relationship you either put the effort in to get it back or you call it a day. Another thing is to say to yourself if your child was not here would you stay in the relationship. If the answer is no then you need to get out. A child knows when parents are not happy and two unhappy parents can damage her. Think long and hard what you want from this.

Alicia - posted on 03/18/2012

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I agree w/ Kelly. WHY do you want out is definatly the first question that needs to be asked. My DH went through the same thing, he told me, we got help and ended up getting to the bottom line of what he was feeling. It was the best thing we could have done because our marriage is so much better now.



One main thing we did was schedule "date nights" at least once a month & that helped. It was a challenge to come up with date night idea to do cheep and at home after the kids went to bed, but in the end it gave us something to really laugh together about.



Good luck.

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Kirsten - posted on 03/27/2012

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Sounds like you have a great family. Why do you want to leave when you say you can give your daughter a great life with loving parents that are together? What is making you unhappy?

Janessa - posted on 03/20/2012

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It is not good necessarily to stay for the child, but you could stay for you. I'm going to say this because I know it is true through my own experiences. God can help you to love him again and be happy in the relationship if you have just the desire to make it work and if you ask him to help you be happy. I don't think you will be better off without him considering what a good man he is, especially if you have had a child with him. But neither are you expected to be unhappy. Prayer is a powerful thing. I say this only because I know it is true. Good-luck.

Kay - posted on 03/20/2012

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Karina,



You probably already know this, but relationships are not flat lines--they don't level off at the top, and stay that way forever. They are waves--peaks and valleys, good times and bad times. I have been with my dear future husband for five years also. Sometimes the only thing that keeps us together is our commitment to us and our children.



If you leave your relationship without fully exploring the issues and possibilities, you run the risk of carrying that into every relationship you attempt hereafter. Sometimes, if you can work it out, a professional counsellor can be very helpful. Sometimes, relationship books can help too.



Good luck.

Mysti - posted on 03/20/2012

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I have a friend who was in a similar situation to yours. She did end up leaving. She wound up in another relationship about 4 months later, and after about 1.5 years, she got out of that one, too. Both of them were good, solid, caring, hard-working men. She ended up going to therapy after a few more brief relationships, and discovered that it was never the man that she was unhappy with...it was herself.



I agree with Kelly, that you need to figure out exactly what it is that is making you unhappy, or at least making you feel claustrophobic. If it is legitimately something within the relationship that you (and he) cannot overcome, then perhaps leaving is your best option. But I would strongly encourage you to exhaust all your options first. Love is a commitment, not an emotion...and regret is a terrible thing.

[deleted account]

Karina,

Are you otherwise happy? Do you think you could be depressed? That could be blocking your ability to enjoy your relationship with your child's father. In any case, I do think that, while unhappy parents are perhaps not as good for a child as happy ones, that doesn't mean you should end the relationship. It does mean that you should work to find out how to both improve your relationship, and to find a deeper source of happiness. Your husband isn't responsible for making you happy. You are responsible for your own emotional well being. A good relationship helps, but making you happy is too much to ask from another person. I agree; try couples or individual therapy.

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