In the delivery room...

Teri - posted on 09/27/2009 ( 108 moms have responded )

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My daughter, 17, is having her first baby in a couple weeks and her boyfriend thinks it should just be her and him in the delivery room. I want to tell him to go straight to you know where but I kind of understand where he's coming from. I'm gonna be there know matter what but just wanted some input from you all.

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Caitelyn - posted on 09/27/2009

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I myself was 17 when my 4 month old son was born. I have a fantastic relationship with my mum, and I wanted her there in the delivery room - and my ex was okay with that (we were together then, but split later), he just wanted what was best for me, and for our son - even though him and my mum sometimes had issues.



I know that my mum sat with my ex and had a really long chat about what the birth could be like. and he says that that talk was what made him decide (at first he had been upset that i wanted my mum there too) that it would be better for us to have her there as she knew what labour was like, knew how i would be feeling, knew that he would need support too - she was there for BOTH of us, not just me - and she was an absolute godsend.



In my labour, I - because I had my ex and my mum - didn't really need the midwives (they actually told us that it was the first labour they'd experienced together, where they pretty much were onl needed once my son was actually crowning) because my ex and mum worked together to keep me happy. I was really lucky.



Maybe, you need to sit and have a talk with him (and make it just betweeen the two of you, I knew what my mum was going to say, but I let them have a moment together that created a bond between them that has been fantastic for my son) and try to begin a positive relationship with him.



And when it all boils down to the absolute end, its HER labour. NOT his. while I understand his thinking - it is his baby too - labour is NOT about him, but about what she needs.



Does he really want her to resent him for denying her all the support she needs?

Shel - posted on 10/03/2009

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Hi, my 17 year old had her baby back in June, she always knew she wanted me there and if her BF said anything she certainly didnt tell me. As it turned out on the day he was upset as he wanted to be the one to be the main comforter for her but then just sat in a chair and did nothing, he just had no idea how to comfort her. I watched this for 5 minutes while she was in pain and grabbing for a hand to hold, then i removed him to the other side of the bed and took over. My daughter tells people that it was me who got her through the labour which i am very proud of.



so my advice to you is to be there for her, if not in the room then let her know your in the waiting room and ready if she needs you. you will all benefit from it in the end, good luck to you all xx

Brittany - posted on 10/02/2009

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I believe its the mother to be's decision because its not like the boyfriend is having the baby.And if she feels she needs u there then that will calm her while shes in labor. And that will help the delivery go smoother but if she doesnt want u there then u shouldnt. I was 18 when i had my daughter and my mother wasnt there & its not that we dnt have a close relationship it just would have made me very uncomfortable. And it was a very intimate moment for me and fiance so i wouldnt recommend being there if she doesnt want u there. So all in all u need 2 talk 2 ur daughter 1 on 1 without her boyfriend around so u can find out what she wants.

Stina - posted on 09/29/2009

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I think this should be your daughters decision, not her boyfriends.



With my first born, had all gone as planned, I wanted my husband (married at 5 monts preggo) and my sister in the delivery room. I didn't want my Mom in the delivery room because I wanted a natural birth and didn't feel she'd be able to hold it together well enough to give me the support I would need since she's very emotional and hates seeing her kids in pain. My sister on the other hand is relatively level headed, we have always been close and I figured that she could be our secondary support so James could go to the bathroom, take a rest, whatever might be needed during all the unknowns of my first childbirth.



My son was delivered by emergency c-section two hours after I had called my sister to head to Seattle. They only allow one person in the operating room for C-sections and that was my husband.



Whatever happens, I really appreciated my Mom's support of James and I through our entire pregnancy and at the beginning of our marriage. Your daughter will appreciate your continued support no matter what they decide to do. In the end, all that matters with the delivery of this baby is that the end result is a healthy baby and new Mom.



You can always be present in the waiting room- who knows, they may get into the labor and decide they would like you in there.



With my second and third babies, we delivered by C-section and my mom was a huge help with my son when I delivered #2. # 3 was delivered during the school quarter and my mom was in class... she's an amazing lady purueing a masters degree.



Do whatever your DD wants. This is a huge life change.

Cheryl - posted on 09/28/2009

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if you are there it will not be very long before your little girl is saying i want my mommy! Dont cause a fight in the family cause that will only make it bad for you at that time in wanting to be there!



good luck and congrats

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108 Comments

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Sarah - posted on 10/04/2009

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at the end of the day its your daughters decision whether she has you there or not. but to be honest i think it'd be lovely to have mum there with you when you give birth. my grandma was there with my mum when she gave birth to me and some of my siblings.

and when i gave birth to my son in january my mum was there .. but my partner was also there too because i felt he'd want to see his son come into the world.

the hospital fully respected that i had 2 birth partners and i never got told once that i was only allowed 1.

my mum ended up cutting the cord and my boyfriend was the 1st person to hold my son (i had no time to take out my birth plan but they were the 2 things i desperately wanted to happen from it and they did)

it still makes me smile that my mum was there to see her 1st grandchild come into the world .. another reason i wanted her is because she has 6 kids so she'd definately know what i was going through and would have helped a lot emotional much more than my boyfriend.

Brooke - posted on 10/04/2009

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Sorry but maybe you need to just let it be until the day... when the pressure comes in that room they'll let you know they want you therre and if they dont then you just have to deal with it....

Frenchell - posted on 10/02/2009

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I had my mom with me, but my husband and i both agreed on it. It really has to be her decision..and if she says no, i think it would suck to make a big deal about it. Being pregnant is hard enough without having to deal with family drama about who can and can't be in the delivery room

Stephanie - posted on 10/02/2009

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Ask your daughter what she thinks first, ask her when she is by herself (some boyfriends can make it hard to say what you really what to say). I was 18 when I had my first and my mom and husband were in there with me. She may really want her mommy in there with her. Either way just be proud of her, you will get to see the baby. Congrats.

[deleted account]

Quoting Teri:

In the delivery room...

My daughter, 17, is having her first baby in a couple weeks and her boyfriend thinks it should just be her and him in the delivery room. I want to tell him to go straight to you know where but I kind of understand where he's coming from. I'm gonna be there know matter what but just wanted some input from you all.



Well whatever you do DONT tell the guy to go straight to you know where. :)



You need to fully open that door to your daughter, it is HER choice. If she chooses to not have you there, tell her with a big smile that that's fine. And like another mentioned that you will be thrilled to be the first in line at the door to greet your grand baby. :)



And never mention it again, dont ever bring up her discussion to her face. Its a small price to pay to.



Congratulations!

[deleted account]

Quoting Teri:

In the delivery room...

My daughter, 17, is having her first baby in a couple weeks and her boyfriend thinks it should just be her and him in the delivery room. I want to tell him to go straight to you know where but I kind of understand where he's coming from. I'm gonna be there know matter what but just wanted some input from you all.



Well whatever you do DONT tell the guy to go straight to you know where. :)



You need to fully open that door to your daughter, it is HER choice. If she chooses to not have you there, tell her with a big smile that that's fine. And like another mentioned that you will be thrilled to be the first in line at the door to greet your grand baby. :)



And never mention it again, dont ever bring up her discussion to her face. Its a small price to pay to.



Congratulations!

[deleted account]

Ask your daughter what she wants. It's her decision and no one elses. I didn't want anyone in the room except my husband, but thats me. If she wants you there go for it.

Lorin - posted on 10/01/2009

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I agree with lots of the others... it's your daughter's choice. Now, if the boyfriend wants to override her decision to have you there, THEN I encourage you to tell him off. After the whole thing's over, everyone (who's sensible) will forgive and forget. I'm having my first in a few months and the jury's still out on who will be in the room, and I fully expect my mom and my husband's mom to understand if they're confined to the waiting room.

Cindy - posted on 10/01/2009

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What does your daughter want? This is her discision NOT his!!! She is the one in charge of who is going to be there....it is HER body being exposed.

Kristy Lee - posted on 10/01/2009

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i had my mother there its was fantastic!!! and u know some boyfriends husbands need someone to help them out to, depending on how long her labour is, he was thanking my mother for days after i had our son. he thort her help was fantastic and they really worked as a team.... hope you get to see your granchild been born. its just amazing!!!!!

Ashley - posted on 10/01/2009

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Ask your daughter...without his oppinion around and make sure she know that she may want you there in the middle of the whole thing and they may not let you back into the delivery room after a certain point. I had every woman in my fmily and my in laws too. I needed them there through all 23 hours and the hour of delivery time would have been a night mare without my mother and mother in law. They told me that I was going to have c-section and the only person that could calm me down was my mother in law. But that was a surprise and you never know what is really going to happen so something may come up where she needs you. Let her ask if other women needed their mothers and I'm sure she will find her answer...hoping for the best!!

Jeanette - posted on 10/01/2009

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hi teri go for it if your daughter wants you there go in with her who cares what the boyfriend says.I got to kids and my mom was with me when I had the two of them.and I had my gal-bladder out she was with me, and I had my tubes done so I can't have any more kids she wes with me then to.

Jo - posted on 10/01/2009

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Every girl always calls for there mum when they r in ur daughters situation. i have 2 children and still had my mum by my side, she was the first person i rang when i went into labour with both my children.

i would let him no that there can be more than 1 person in the delivery room.

Good luck and hope everything goes well.

Maria - posted on 10/01/2009

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i was 17 when i had my first baby, my mum and my boyfriend were there. i loved having them both although afterwards my boyfriend said he felt he was pushed out as he didnt know what to do with himself! i did have a very difficult delievery though. i wouldnt change having them 2 of them there. at 17 i needed my mum there. i have since had 2 more children and expecting my 4th i didnt have my mum with me the other times i suppose i feel more mature and at ease to cope with it all without her next to me, plus me and my then boyfriend r now married and and i suppose more at ease with each other. talk to her boyfriend and reassure him that u arent going to get in the way its their day and u want to support them both. good luck!

Rosey - posted on 10/01/2009

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I think you guys realy need to sit down together the three of you! and talk about it, could she possibly be to scared to tell you that she realy only wants him there? she might not want to hurt your feelings? or does she not want to hurt his feelings I am sure he wants to think he is enough and she doesnt need you when realy she might? sitting down together in a loving enivorment and talking openly can do wonders, perhaps a compromise could be had if they decide they just want the two of them? what else could you do, even if you are not in there you could be outside the room keeping other family informed getting water or anything else they both might need? and that way if she gets to the point and calls for your help your just outside the door.. with a loving hug for both of them at this emotional time. Best of luck you are so lucky to be having a grandchild soon. :o)

Loni - posted on 09/30/2009

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Your daughter is the one going through the worst of it, so I think the choice should be hers. She'd be lucky to have a caring, supportive mother there to help her through it.

I was so glad my mother in-law was in the delivery room, she was great. Plus she helped her son from panicking and passing out, lol. Good luck!

[deleted account]

What does your daughter want? I had my son at 19 and I hadn't lived with mum for three years her and my boyfriend since 16 had always hated each other (now I understand why) but at the time it made it really stressful for me to work out who or how many don't be offended if she chooses him but perhaps give her some space to do this herself, Unless of course shes really scared and wants you there

Lois - posted on 09/30/2009

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What does your DAUGHTER think. It should come down to her needs and wants not yours or the boy friend.

Yolanda - posted on 09/30/2009

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I think you should be there, My daughter was around her same age when she had my grand-daughter and it helps your daughter as well as the father to have some support there. That is and always will be your baby even if she will be a mother. My grand-daughter now 8 years old have a great relationship she is my world. So show your daughter you will be there for her.The boyfriend will thank you later.Good luck

Paula - posted on 09/30/2009

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I had my mum and husband with me - couldnt imagine not having my mum there. I think if your daughter wants you there, thats all that matters. Her boyfriend is entitled to his opinion, but at the end of the day (in my opinion) its your daughter whose wishes should be taken into account. Its goping to be the best and most terrifying experience of her life and if she wants her mum there for support then her boyfriend should understand and accept it. maybe be there and sort of be in the background, but at least your there whenever you daughter needs you.

I hope this helps.

Christine - posted on 09/30/2009

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I think the decision has to be made by the mother & father to be.....If your daughter is only saying she wants you in there to make you happy you are just adding additional unneeded stress. If I were you, I'd stay in the waiting room. If she calls for you, then go in. Otherwise, this is a personal experience that should be shared between husband & wife...boyfriend & girlfriend.

Brittany - posted on 09/30/2009

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my husband tried to pull that crap... iI told him he could just wait in the waiting room.. he changed his mind.

Sarah - posted on 09/30/2009

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You have to recognize that this is not about you and it's not about her boyfriend. This is your daughter's labor and her choice! I sincerely hope no one is pressuring her and, no matter what she wants, there shouldn't be ANY hard feelings. I notice you don't mention your daughter's wishes at all. Is this something she's discussed with you? How does she feel? Before the birth of my first child, I'd wanted my mom with me in the room. Since she had 4 babies naturally I figured she would be a great support & could keep me focused... that she'd know more than my husband. She agreed to be in the room for the labor but not the delivery because she said that ought to be private between husband & wife (and multiple hospital staff who are total strangers, I discovered!!). But things went so fast that when I got to the hospital I was ready to deliver so we didn't ask her to come. I was ok without her there and was proud of myself for doing it on my own. Unfortunately, the experience was marred by the L&D nurse. She was so nasty, so rude... My husband recognized she wasn't treating me well but was like a deer caught in the headlights and wasn't the advocate I'd counted on him to be. I've often thought that if my mom had been there, she never would've allowed me to be treated badly by that woman and the birth might've been a lot more positive. So... if your daughter wants you & you're able to make yourself useful, that's great. The other thing to think about it is if you insist on being there no matter what & if the situation with the boyfriend is tense and ugly in the delivery room, it will negatively affect your daughters labor--creating stress, distraction, & increasing pain. Everyone has to make peace before this baby arrives!!!

Kayleigh - posted on 09/30/2009

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I think it is up to her. Personnaly I did not want my mom in the room. She was there during labor but not delivery. It was just me and my BF. ANd we wanted it that way. BUt if she wants you in there. It is up to her in the end :)

Sheena - posted on 09/30/2009

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That decision is for your daughter to make. I see that you said she wants you in there...the boss has spoken. lol I can understand where he is coming from in a way, but in the end..not his call.

Kathryn - posted on 09/30/2009

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I totally understand, have a chat with your daugher and see how she feels, you might be surprised - good luck

Cathralynn - posted on 09/30/2009

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I didn't read all the posts. A woman's delivery is personal and should be done the best way possible to the way she wants it. If she wants you there, the boyfriend should shut up. If she doesn't then you need to be respectful (doesn't sound like the case). In any case, I think it sounds right that you will be close. If she calls for you, you can run right in. If she decides she's ok with just her boyfriend then you can be available when your grandbaby arrives. Be ready for last min decisions! I would have a discussion with only your daughter on what she wants, and don't pressure her. Sometimes pregnant moms need someone to speak for them and if she wants you, be there. She is really young, and this is a scary experience for experienced moms, she might want her mommy! For the record I didn't. I have a wonderful relationship with my hubby and would have gone insane if my mom or mil were in there with us. But my sil wanted everyone in there.

Kate - posted on 09/30/2009

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I agree with you. I think that you should be there. When I had my children I had my husband and my mom. I needed both of their love and support and for different reasons. I neeeded the love of my husband and the experience of my mom. When we have our next child I will have my mother in law there as well.

My sister is currently pregnant and has already told her boyfriend who she wants in the delivery room. She wants him, me and our mom. She told him that it is going to be her decision on who is there because she is one that is going to be going through the labor and delivery, NOT HIM! Maybe you could talk to your daughter about how nice it is to have not only someone with experience but your mom there and that it is HER DECISION! Even if you are there he can have an active role. My hubby did. My mom and my hubby had exually important jobs, they did those and they worked together. I hope that helps a little.

Stella - posted on 09/30/2009

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Trust me your daughter will want you there. And so will he when he doesn't have a clue.
Just be close by 7 go with your daughters wishes. :)

Erica - posted on 09/30/2009

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I'm 27 and recently had my first child. Honestly I wanted it to just be my husband and I in the room... well things happen and my mom ended up being in the room. I found myself very upset afterwards about it. I can understand as a mother that you want to be in the room but ultimatly it should be up to your daughter. It's possible that she may not say she wants it to be only her and the babies father because she doesnt want to hurt you.

SHAMISO - posted on 09/30/2009

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SHE IS 17 ,A young adult but as her moomy,you have to be there.tell the father you respect his decision to be alone with his wife but she is still yound and needs the nurses but most of all the comfort of her mother .You know how labour is like..he might not be able to handle.

Amie - posted on 09/29/2009

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Daddy does take precedence over Grandma. Sorry I side with the boyfriend on this one.

The only time you should be there is if you are welcome. Otherwise you will only add stress and that is the last thing your daughter needs when she is labouring.

Ez - posted on 09/29/2009

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As a mother I can see why you feel the need to be there, especially since your daughter is so young. But on the other hand I think you need to respect their relationship and abide by their decision. It has to be your daughter's choice... she's the one giving birth and if you have conflict or animosity with her boyfriend how is that going to help her by you being in there? It's not. So support her and love her and prepare her the best way you can, but please don't make a big issue out of it if they decide they want this experience to be just about them. You saying you're "gonna be there no matter what" worries me as it implies you're willing to override any decisions they make about how they want their birth to go. As much as you love your daughter and want what's best for her, that's not your right.

Renee - posted on 09/29/2009

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There's noo reason why you both can't be there if your daughter wants you both there.

Artrena - posted on 09/29/2009

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Hi. i can understand that you want to be there for your daughter, but it is really up to them who is going to be in the room for this big event. dont be upset with them if they dont want you in the room with them. just think of all of the great things that will happen after. just be understanding and talk to them and maybe they (she) will change her mind as the time gets closer. good luck.

Tammy - posted on 09/29/2009

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SHE'S THE ONE HAVING THE BABY.... TELL HER TO DO WHAT MAKES HER FEEL MOST COMFORTABLE!

MY MOM AND I ARE SO CLOSE - I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO W/OUT HER!

Prudence - posted on 09/29/2009

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Hi.

My name is Prudence, and had my first baby at 18. My boyfriend, now husband, was 17 and both him and my mum were in the room. I wouldn't have been able to do it without her there, at the end of the day, it's your daughter choice- not his. I'm now pregnant with my 5th. Every time my husband has said that my mum's not allowed to be in the room with us, but she has ended up there- she will be there for this one.

Andrea - posted on 09/29/2009

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Teri,

Are you and your daughter close? When it comes down to it, it should be whatever is going to get her through the deliver the best. Because she is younger (and I am assuming) she has not been with her boy friend a long time there are times in delivery that someone "closer" to the mother may pick up on. For instance when she is in pain or discomfort you may be able to sense it and help her ease the pain without asking her "what she needs and how you can help" during active delivery being so young and her first there is a lot a Mom can do best. I would speak to her and make sure she is getting what is best for her and the baby. Maybe you guys come to a compromise such as- you are there in the beginning and during the tough struff like contractions. Then just before the baby is delivered you sneak out for a glass of water. then join the couple again after the baby is born and they have had a few minutes to bond and greet their little miracle. Your daughter may be embarassed about the "view" during deliverey or some of the mess that she does not want you to see. She may also not want you to see her in that situation. Talk to her and leave the door open. At the 11th hour she may ask for you and you will want to be there. Just dont say "I told you so". Even though she is your little girl she is about to be a mom and a woman. You have given her the tools and skills through training and example that she will use to love her baby. Be proud of yourself and dont forget to celebrate the moment! You are going to be a fantastic Grandma!

[deleted account]

I'd talk to her and ask her if you can be in the room when she gives birth. It's her birth experience, after all. My mother was with me and I know that my husband was glad of it. Her boyfriend might be thinking that it's just some two-hour jaunt, and they'll all be drinking beer and partying when it's over; he'll probably be grateful that you're there when hour eighteen rolls around!

Katie - posted on 09/29/2009

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I must say i agree with the boyfriend, I do think it should just between the couple, and you can enjoy your grandchild as soon as he or she is born, but i think it should just be between them.

Kim - posted on 09/29/2009

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I personally did not want my Mom there. Just my spouse. But now as a mother of a 3 year old. I would want to be there.

Jan - posted on 09/29/2009

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I was with both my girls when they gave birth & it was overwhelming. Talk to your daughter & tell her you'd like to be their to support her, but dont be tempted to run her partner down to her, it may backfire! I hope you get your wish, good luck. x

Nichola - posted on 09/29/2009

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I was 18 when I had my son who is now 14months and personally I dont think it is up to the bf to decide who is in the delivery room I think it is up to your daughter who will be the one who needs support...I choose to have my mom my bf and his mom with me so I think you should be asking her and then telling her to talk to her bf

Alisa - posted on 09/29/2009

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If they were married it'd be different, and since she is still 17, I'd pull my you don't have any say-so card, because deep down inside, unless you and the girl have a very unpleasant relationship, she's going to want you by her side, because it's her first, and she'll be nervous or scared. I was, and I was 22 yrs., she'll appreciate it later, I did, and still do.

Kendra - posted on 09/29/2009

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i had my first child with my mom in the delivery room, i was going through a lot in my life then and it was nice having her there with me

Mary Ellen - posted on 09/29/2009

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i personally think that if they have gone to the prep classes than it is a personal thing between the two of them. but you need to make sure and do what she wants it is her body she is going through it not him but he should definantly be there

User - posted on 09/29/2009

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It sounds like what your daughter wants is for you to be there...and as she's the one in labor, I'd say you may need to help her talk to him about making the choices that are best for HER. You also might impress upon him the idea that giving birth is a fundamentally female activity. While it is about families in general, I've found that there is something so comforting about having another woman whom you know and trust there with you. I would give anything had I been able to have my mom in the room for my c-section.



Too, I'll admit that I would be concerned about her being young and only having him there...unless they are legally married/partnered or have taken steps to give him power of attorney, you are her next-of-kin. Meaning that if she is unable to make her own decisions for whatever reason, you (not him) need to give consent for treatment or make decisions for her.

ILA - posted on 09/29/2009

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If you tell him he can't be there then this may cause problems between you and your daughter. Be there for her and if he's still in the picture years down the line , you will have avoided one family conflict at least. Enjoy your grandchild.

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