inexperienced 19 year old daughter, mom at end of rope

April Dawn - posted on 11/27/2014 ( 22 moms have responded )

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I have a daughter, my oldest, 19. I grew up in a loving home, still made mistakes and still accidently ended up pregnant at 21 when I was on my way to get birth control. My daughter up until recently has been kind, gentle, honest, hugged me every day kind of girl. I knew to expect some resistance sooner or later on things. But my daughter, as beautiful as she is only had two boyfriends in high school. They lasted about 2 wks each. the other factor including is her best friend she has had since she was about 7 years old. this girl grew up with her mom in jail for drugs and her guardian being the yelling, cussing, chain smoking, do everything in the world for me kind of person. She has had the same boyfriend since before high school ended. He was a good influence for her. she got out of her bad situation and for what she went through, I was proud of her. She got a job, she got a car, now they have a trailer together and the boyfriend is educating himself for a better future. But the life experience she has and my daughter is worlds apart. My daughter was going to go to college and had goals, but she wanted a job for a while to save up for a car. She got one at Walmart. the downside is she has my vehicle all the time and I am stuck. But the problem is that she met a boy there who is 28 years old. he could see she was there for the taking. She might as well have , "i'm an innoscent virgin" taped to her forehead. he bought her flowers. She craved the attention, so she was hooked. He is bad news. We already talked about that we felt at that point in her life, she was too young for a 28 year old. Her no life experience, no boy experience. and we know what most 28 year old boys have on their mind. We told her we didn't approve; however, we could met him, talk to him and get a better sense of things. He wouldn't meet us. And as it turns out, he has 2 DUI, no car, licence gone until a three year period is up and that isn't half of it. Inside of less than a month, she started lying, sneaking, and he convinced her to have sex with him(her virginity) right there in the Walmart parking lot in the person's car that brings him to work. Now, I feel that normally you don't invade your child's privacy, but if their behavior changes, if you suspect anything of any bad nature, you have every right to go through their phone, laptop, what have you. as long as they are under your roof. Found out much more that horrified me. He was pressuring her to have sex again and again, and sending her pics of his weiner if you know what I mean. I am at a total loss. The problem is, she is over 18 and I can't make her break up with him. I have talked till I am blue in the face about all the things a mom should say. Then she gets her friend involved and she says a lot of rude and hateful things to me on Facebook. she got her Aunt on daddys side against me. And she is no person of good advice. she just got the aunt in on it because I asked my daughter to make dinner because I was ill and I wanted to get it done before my boys came home from school because they would be hungry. her aunt texted her, "who the hell eats dinner at 1 o clock." She didn't get the whole story. Then she went on to advice my daughter behind my back that I was a stupid b****, crazy, not to listen to anything I said and gather her pennies so she could get out of this house. Now my daughter still hasn't got rid of the boyfriend. I have told her that she has ruined the trust between us and she had to work to get it earned back. she has set limitations that she has to follow. I can't and won't throw her out. I am afraid she might try. She would only have either the friend to live with which I expect would get old quick, especially when she has to spend a lot more money contributing or she would live with the boyfriend until he got through using her for sex and she ends up pregnant. Today, descent enough day till her friend decides to want tot travel 1 1/2 hours to a shopping mall for black Friday. She wanted to leave at 5 am. I didn't like that, but after much discussion and and review of rules, I agreed. I go to bed, wake up a little later and find that she has told my husband that it has changed and now they want to leave at 3:30 am and he told her to wake me up because that wasn't' going to fly. She did not wake me up and he told me when I woke up a bit later and I informed her it wasn't going to happen. 5 am, I was willing to live with, that early in the middle of the night in high traffic for 1 1/2 hours to save a few bucks? No. So I got the, "well, now I can't go at all" the friend won't wait till 5. and I got the flow of tears. And tomorrow, she will text or facebook everybody she knows to tell them how mean I am. I mean, I told her over and over lately, "I do this BECAUSE I love you, BECUASE I care. If I let you do whatever the heck you wanted when you wanted to do it, that I wasn't a very good mother." It's my job to know exactly how she feels and what she is going through. I was there once. I didn't do nearly what she is doing to me, but I did plenty. And never knew what I put my mother through until I was faced with it myself. But it's too late for me to let my mom know. She is in heaven now. Do I really have to wait that long for my daughter to know how much I love her and I do and say it all for her. what do I do to get my daughter back on track? I know she will make mistakes. I expect them. I know she will learn from them. But times are harder now and some mistakes are too big to stand by and let her ruin her life. Ruin her chance for a future where she doesn't have to work quite so hard to make a living, be able to experience life for all it has to offer. Not stuck her with no place to go, no money and possibly a baby. I got her on birth control pills months ago in case because I knew sex would happen eventually. Never dreamed she would give it up to the first boy who gave her attention and in less than a month. However, they did not use a condom. She doesn't know where he's been and I know he's been involved with drugs before. And I know her birth control refill is coming up and she has to have a physical again first and she has not mentioned it. I pray. That is all I have felt I can do is pray to God and keep talking to her. But I feel so out of control. I feel helpless and hurt. what do I do, what can I do?

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Samantha - posted on 11/28/2014

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Hi there. I went thru a very similar situation with my daughter for a few years when she was 19 yo to 22yo
Don't feel bad or beat yourself up! So much easier to give advice unless you have actually been thru this believe me and survived it.
I Did go thru my daughter's belongings and Yes, at the end I hired a private investigator because I was fearful that she was in Harm's way. You're damn right and I would do it all over again. My daughter like yours is smart and beautiful but for some reason picked the "losers". I could have gone on a game show and won for my daughter dates the biggest losers ! DUIs, drugs. Whatever. The wrong crowd.
I couldn't believe it. She had it made. College paid for and s great job. Easy home life. The whole nine yards

The hard truth is this - you will be hurt and you will cry but you have to be tough. Remember tough love and it probably hurts you more than her by far. When I Finally stopped allowing her to "play me". You know the guilt just like your daughter posting on Facebook. It's manipulation. You have to stand your ground. Post back. Be loving but firm and consistent. Believe me I would have gone to meet the boyfriend's parents. I would stay involved if she is living there - you're not going to run her off. You're a good mom and you're scared and concerned and you have absolutely every single right to be as you you're facing a horrible nightmare. The guy has two DUIs and he's only 28yo? How is he not in jail? I would research that and find out.
Anyhow, long story short, my daughter in the end could not shake away from the losers so this was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life but I had to have her move out. I had no other choice. She had to hit rock bottom and figure it on her own. I didn't take her calls, etc. At this point , she was 22yo. She didn't go homeless or end up pregnant. She actually went to live with a relative who was very strict. So there was a zero tolerance rule. My only regret is that I wish that I had stood my ground when she was 19yo and saved myself so many sleepless nights of heartache and worry. My daughter and I didn't talk for a few months but I had to put it in God's hands and realize I had done everything I could do. It was now up to her to take responsibility for herself ... and guess what 😊. We are the best of friends now. My daughter pulled thru it, she has an amazing career and has gone back to college on her own to finish her degree AND has been dating the most adorable guy for a year now. I'm here to tell you that sometimes you have to let go no matter how hard it is and just believe.

I'm not saying kick your daughter out. I'm saying this - stand your ground and be firm. Write down your expectations and review them then give her a copy. Stay consistent. Use the broken record technique. Cut off the vehicle except to and from work. As long as she's living with you then it's your Rules. The boyfriend issue well like I said - stay involved. I would research his background to be honest - that's a safety issue of concern and a major red flag with 2 DUIs. You dont want your daughter to wind up in accident or even worse and this guy obviously has an issue. For all you know he could be driving your car and then you could get sued ... Etc. Don't engage in arguments with your daughter. Keep it simple but stick to what you say exactly so she knows you mean business and she cannot work you over. As far as posting on Facebook if it continues. Report it on Facebook. I would or post back nicely that you disapprove. It's extremely disrespectful as you being her mother or make it one of the rules to live under roof no negative postings on Facebook. She's a very young adult so you can do it. I know it's frustrating and scary but underneath she's still that sweet little girl.

Warm wishes.

Jodi - posted on 11/28/2014

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Vanessa, when you addressed me directly in your post, you actually were inviting my comment. I posted to the OP originally, and yet, you decided that you should address me, not the OP. You absolutely invited my response. If you had merely addressed the original post, I would have had nothing to say to you. But no, you decided to call me out, so you brought me into it. There is no need for you to then make personal attacks. My post count is high because I have been on this site for nearly 6 years and I was an admin here for several of those. I'm sorry you feel you have to lower yourself to personally attack people you disagree with.

Dove - posted on 11/28/2014

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Before I read any responses... I was a few years older than your daughter, but I had sex w/ and MARRIED the first guy that paid me any attention. It was the biggest mistake of my life, but guess what? I wouldn't change a thing... because even though I am now a single, disabled mother of 3.... my kids are worth every second of it.

You got a daughter out of your 'mistake' in life. Wasn't she worth it?

Your daughter is 19. It is perfectly acceptable to have some house rules that are centered around mutual respect, but you HAVE to let her make her own mistakes in life. If you've done well as a parent for the past 19 years... she will come out the other end OK. If you haven't... well, it's too late to start now.

Be there for her to confide in and advise her if she ASKS, but no amount of good advice will make a lick of difference if she's not the one seeking for it.

Jodi - posted on 11/29/2014

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I accept that my advice is harsh, but honestly,, firstly, you were asking for advice, I gave it. I don't care whether you like it, find it harsh, think I'm a total bitch. But the fact is, if you keep up with what you are doing you will lose your daughter. She is now an adult. You need to change your relationship with her. That's what happens when your children become adults. I am not suggesting you just stand aside and let her ruin her life, nowhere in my posts did I suggest that. But going through her stuff? You overstepped on that one. If I was your daughter, I'd be moving out and I'd probably not speak to you for a very long time. You need to change the relationship you have with her and stop trying to convince yourself that she is still a child and needs those very controlling boundaries you are giving her.

I never said to let her do whatever the hell she wants. I'm sorry you interpreted my post that way. I suggested you were being far too controlling and invading her privacy. That's not saying she should be able to do whatever the hell she wants. As I said, sit down, set up an agreement with boundaries, but you cannot control her choices no matter how many times you nag her about it. Eventually, she will get sick of it and tell you to fuck off and leave her alone. If she breaks your agreement, you can give her warnings and then ask her to leave, but there is very little else you can do. If you make the boundaries TOO constrictive, she will break it. You need to find a middle ground. I'm saying that you HAVE to back off a bit, and then she will be able to compromise too. However, with the boundaries you have now, you are setting her up for failure.

However, it actually IS illegal to go through the belongings of your adult child - it is exactly the same as going through the belongings of a tenant in they eyes of the law.

22 Comments

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Sarah - posted on 11/29/2014

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The context of the OP is mom does not like her daughter's BF, thinks he is a loser. Maybe he is, maybe he will change maybe he won't. If you continue to hound your daughter, pointing out her errors, his flaws, her mistakes and invade her privacy, you will alienate her even more. No matter how well intended you are and I believe you just want the best for her.
Try to look at it from a different point of view; if someone told you over and over that you were wrong, messing up you life, risking your future etc. Then you realized that person is right, how willing would you be to admit it? A 19 yo is very egocentric, and even if she realizes she is in a mess she may just stay in the mess rather than ask you for help, because she'd have to admit she was wrong and you were right. I have one 18 yo son and three more younger kids, I do give advice to my son and we have set house rules. If he wants to live differently, he can move out. I think for the most part my son will consider my advice and then make his own decision, Sometimes I don't agree but that's where I have to trust that I have done a good enough job of parenting him that he will make a good decision, or at least not a terrible decision. The whole Black Friday thing sounds like a huge power struggle, why did it matter if she left at 1,3 or 5? That's what young people do.

Samantha - posted on 11/29/2014

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Hi April,

No one regrets having a child that might have been an accident. I think the point you are trying to drive home is that you want the very best for your child and I could not agree with you more! Keep smiling even though it is hard and just keep letting her know , hey don't you want a great life that is a whole lot easier than a tough one? Think about it. Sure we all love our children whether they were perhaps unplanned or not, but let's face it - it would have been a hell a lot of easier had we taken the route of college and married a guy that a had the decent job.... the whole nine yard not the stereo type allure of "bad guy" that so many get drawn to...I get it. You want the best for your daughter but you are reaching out to find support on how to get her to see the light! What you are getting is a bunch of alligators snapping at you saying it is too late!!! No, it is not - just continue to be encouraging and supportive like you have always been and don't get frazzled just because some jerk came along and paid her some attention - it will pass. I know it's scary and you are freaked out, but time is on your side. Stay positive and do not get derailed. Pick up a book or two on the internet if your health will not let you get around. If she is saving up money for college then look into grants or financial aid, but look for motivation and positive ways to get her towards a Very Bright Future so she can see past this JERK and see that he has absolutely nothing to offer her in the least and she has Everything in the world to gain by getting as far as she can away from him ASAP! You have a an extremely loving ,bright and beautiful daughter and she will not fail because she has a mother who loves her very much and will always be her number one fan.
Let her Fly just give her the vision to see what is already there.

Dove - posted on 11/29/2014

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If your ADULT daughter does not want to hear it and does not want to listen... you risk losing her forever.

If that risk is fine w/ you... keep it up. I've known Jodi for years and I know what kind of a mother she is and if you don't think her advice is good.... Good luck to you.

Catoga - posted on 11/29/2014

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Wow, I joined this site 6 years ago, never made a post or anything. Well, fast forward 6 years and I'm visiting my sister and her family for the Thanksgiving holidays along with my 3 small children, and I happen across this post. In reading the original post, my heart went out to the mother, April Dawn Hutcheson, I wanted to comment and give ms. april some words of encouragement. Alas, the comments I have been reading are very very harsh, and being the parent of an 18 year old myself, I understand that we need all the encouragements that we can get. Its hard raising a teenager with the way this world has become. So many temptations and its easy to get sidetracked. I commend you on trying to get tips and help about your situation, but although i don't agree with the way it was said i do agree that once your teen is legally grown, you should let go and let GOD. Trust in yourself to know that you raised your daughter right. Yes, we(because we were teenagers too) have to make our own mistakes in the world, it builds character, and it teaches us a very hard, but much needed lesson. Just be there for her when she needs you, she will eventually see that you were right all along, just don't tell her "I TOLD YOU SO". She loves you and will come around. keep your head up and don't stop praying for her. As single mothers, we get so much flack about our choices, but lets just remember that we are here for each other, and that there is always a way to say somethings, that are hard to say and hear, and always think: how would i like it if I were the one being judgedso harshly for how i raised my child(children).

April Dawn - posted on 11/28/2014

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attack people? I think she was only taking up for me and the attack that you started on me and my parenting. I didn't start posting on this site to get attacked. I got on here for support, encouragement and a little bit of light advice. I don't need your kind of advice. So you just stay out of my posts and I won't look at any of yours

April Dawn - posted on 11/28/2014

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Thank you for your advice. I appreciate some coming from someone who is near to her age. for the record, I don't see her as a mistake. I would never regret that I had her.
and I make sure to tell her when I talk to her that she was never a mistake. When I found out I was pregnant with her, I suddenly had such clarity that the biological father was not guy. He was very much like what I am trying to get her to avoid now, but maybe not as bad. I just know that at that age, I had my whole life ahead of me and I had to chose a different path than what I had planned. I know I can't stop a lot of things, but I can do some things and I can keep talking and keep putting God's words in her heart. It is just that, I just feel helpless. And it is an awful feeling when your only daughter grows up and wants to leave the nest. She is one of the greatest loves of my life

April Dawn - posted on 11/28/2014

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Thank you. I think your advice was good. No, I don't plan to kick her out, and , I have told her the rules if she wants to continue to live here. I have an extra hard time because my health is bad and so everything she does is hitting me hard in my heart. I just wish other people in her life would stop giving her bad advice, telling her what she wants to hear. Her aunt told her that she met the guy in Walmart and he seemed nice so she thought I was being stupid. What does she know. That is his job, and he knows she is related, of coarse he is going to act nice then. And yeah, I have done background check on him. He used to live with a girl that was a drug addict, did drugs himself some. Been arrested before. And yeah, Two DUI's that takes away his licence for 3 years and a big fine. That was recent because he hasn't gotten his licence back yet. If he gets one more DUI, he loses his license forever. He is 28, has nothing. He lives with his father and grandfather. If I could just get my dauther to see the light about him, I things would go back to a more normal. then there would be the usual 19 year old problems. Him, his age, his lifestyle and he disrespect for her that she can't see has started and caused all of this. thank you for your advice and thank you for being nice.

April Dawn - posted on 11/28/2014

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thank you for encouraging me and at least supporting some of what I said. I know hard as it is, I am going to have to let go more and more. But I will do whatever it takes by talking to her and sharing with her to get through to her. I started off at her age with dreams and hopes. I was a virgin until 21. I know that is unrealistic nowday. and the birth control is my business. I am the one that put her on it because my own mother didn't talk about sex to me. I was smart enough to know I needed it but too late in getting it and I ended up pregnant. I was lucky because I had a family that loved me no matter and loved that child and helped take care of her while I finished my degree. I worked every summer and worked work study while in school. every dime was for my daughter. I would never change having her but I sacrified a lot of things because of it. My health is bad, and even though I would love any child she had now or when God feels it's right, I can't help much. And with the economy the way it is, I don't want her to struggle her whole life. I want her to at least live a comfortable life with the guy God has planned to send to her when the time is right.

April Dawn - posted on 11/28/2014

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Well, I certainly don't agree with you. And it is most certainly NOT illegal to go through her stuff when she is my daughter, living under my roof and I suspect suspicious activity. I don't know where you get your info from. It is not the case here, but what it was drugs? what if strongly suspected your child was taking drugs. You just going to leave that alone to because you don't think her privacy should invaded? What you end up with there is a addicted junkie that might end up dead because you didn't want to invade her privacy. I get from reading your post that you are one of the moms that just let them do what their going to do. yeah, a mom can go overboard. but the job of a mom is to protect them from the really really bad stuff that age and experience has given you. And if you are just going to let them do whatever the hell they want, especially while still living under your roof, then you aren't doing your job as a mother. I don't want or need anymore comments from you

Jodi - posted on 11/28/2014

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When it comes down to it Vanessa, once a child turns 18, you no longer have guardianship over them. You have no right to go through anything that belongs to ANYONE you don't have guardianship over, whether your child or a stranger. To be honest, when I read this post, I was horrified at the fact that a parent would invade their adult child's privacy in this way. I was quite shocked by it. We, as parents, don't have that right, and neither should we. It bothers me that parents think that this is a line they should be allowed to cross.

Vanessa - posted on 11/28/2014

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Not at all Jodi - I agree with many of the things you suggested to the OP and am currently practising them myself. But where I come from, people lift others up when they are feeling pain and are vulnerable (after opening up in such detail on this forum looking for help). I was just a little horrified at the manner in which you responded to the OP. To me it's the kind of response that, although including some good points, would bring about a worse feeling for her and hating on herself. That is all. I felt bad for her and it was mostly because of how you responded to her, so that is why I "called you out". The next apparent "attack" was only in retaliation to your accusing me of being someone who would go through a tenant's diary. As it turns out, I don't go through my own daughter's stuff but you just assumed that I did, because I didn't agree with that being something "illegal". So yeah, I should not have lowered myself to retaliate to your initial attack. For that I apologise. I am done with this subject, but feel free to carry on writing if you want.

Ev - posted on 11/28/2014

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I do agree with Jodi and with Dove. My own daughter was 21 when she made me a grandmother way too soon. The child is a blessing and has a sibling now. But I did the same thing at my daughter's age too. The thing is my parents did not tell me how to live and what to do and I lived at home. I married the father of my daughter who is also my son's father. We were married for 12 years almost 13 when the divorce became final. My daughter met her husband in college and things happened. But she did not lie and sneak out and get too rebellious as you seem to make it sound like your daughter is doing. She is an adult. She is going to make choices that you do not like but you also did the same when you were her age that your family did not like but you also learned to deal with it on your own as I learned to deal with my choices and the consequences. I think you need to back off and quit looking through her phone, computer, and other tech stuff. Its not your business.

Dove - posted on 11/28/2014

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Vanessa... people that attack and insult long time members while only having 3 posts to their name are what we call trolls around here....

Vanessa - posted on 11/28/2014

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You are right there Jodi - my life, my problem - nothing to do with you. And I wasn't asking for your advice. You don't even know the facts. Honestly, if you threw your daughter out under the circumstances that mine has found herself in, then I feel sorry for your children. As for your "guessing" what I might be capable of, there is a HUGE difference between one's own daughter who is having problems and a tenant in a house! I don't even touch my own husband's computer as it would make me feel uncomfortable. But then I don't need to waste time explaining myself to you! Over 26000 posts? You obviously live on this site and must have some problems of your own to deal with.

Jodi - posted on 11/28/2014

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Vanessa, if your 22 year old is still living at home and not following your rules, then kick her out. Stop letting her come back. Right now, by allowing her to come back every time, you are sending the message that the way she behaves is ok with you. You will take her back regardless. You are ENABLING her behaviour. Living in your home for free? Why? But hey, your life, your problem. I don't have that issue.

And actually, where I live, it isn't legal for a private investigator to examine anyone's private records and have them as evidence for anything. It's illegal. Sorry for where you live where that is legal. No-one has the right to invade another adult's privacy. Period. The fact that you seem to think that is ok, well, that speaks volumes. I'm guessing if you had a tenant in your home you would go into their room when they aren't home and read their diary. Nice.

Vanessa - posted on 11/28/2014

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I'm sorry Jodi but I do think that your advice is more than harsh - it is totally critical of the mother and I can 100% relate to what April is going through because of the behaviour of my own 22 year old daughter. I have tried all the things you suggest - but she doesn't follow any of the rules we make. She does not listen to anything I say and has come back home for the 3rd time, having irresponsibly got herself into deep debt again (she was 18 when she left the first time). My son who is a year older (and also raised by me in the same house) is studying to be a Doctor, is respectful and responsible and would never do half the things my daughter gets up to. I believe it is quite pathetic that it should be "ILLEGAL" for a mother to find out what is going on in her own daughter's life (in order to ensure that she is safe) especially when that daughter is living at home, for free and appears to be engaging in activities / relationships that could be dangerous. Is it illegal for a private investigator to delve into the affairs of a total stranger and get paid for it? And yet a mother can't do something similar under dire circumstances? It's just wrong to me.

April, I wish I could offer advice but am battling with similar issues. All I can say is, don't be too hard on yourself. I have discovered that when I worried myself sick and thought that she was vulnerable and being used, it always turned out that she knew exactly what she was doing and how to take care of herself. She even went back and did those things again! It seems that some people just have to learn the hard way and will hopefully come around when they have hit rock-bottom. I have also lost the loving relationship I had with her and we can hardly hold a conversation anymore without annoying each other, let alone hugs! I would suggest that you at least try to drive home the importance of using a condom to protect herself and prevent an unwanted pregnancy as she is going to do what she wants anyway - sorry to say. I wish you all the best and hope you will find peace of heart and mind as I know the hurt and pain you are experiencing. I have finally learnt to "switch off" more than I ever could before. I just hope she will start being responsible with her choices and finances!

Jodi - posted on 11/27/2014

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I want to add that I apologise if you find my advice harsh. But I do have adult and almost adult children. I'm coming from the perspective of a mother with children within this age group. You are not doing your daughter any favours. Your role now is to let her know that while you may disapprove of her choices, and you will request she follow the basic rules of the house (the adult ones), you love her and will always be there if she needs you.

You need to rebuild that trust. You talk about you trusting her....but she can't trust you either. It has gone both ways. You need to repair that relationship and harsh boundaries are not going to do that for you.

Jodi - posted on 11/27/2014

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Are you kidding me? Going through her stuff? SHE'S AN ADULT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. What you did was ILLEGAL unless those things belong to you. But if they are hers (paid for by her or not) then you had absolutely no right to do that.

And her birth control? That really is none of your business. Having a physical? That really is none of your business. So what if she hasn't mentioned it. That's private. You don't need to know about that. Once again, she is an ADULT.

I'm sorry, but everything you describe here screams overbearing mother. You are the one driving her away. You are the one causing her to sneak and lie. The more you pressure her that she needs to dump this guy, the more she is going to cling to him. In fact, if she has really fallen for him, you, my dear, might end up the mother who never hears from her daughter any more. If you are this controlling, don't be at all surprised if she packs up and moves out and decides to cut you out of her life. It happens.

My advice to you is to sit down with her and set up some basic house rules for an ADULT living in your home. As if she were any other adult living in your home. Draw up a rental agreement that includes those guidelines. Such things as curfew, payment of bills, use of car, whatever it is that you believe is reasonable for an ADULT (forget she is your daughter for a moment - you wouldn't pry into another adult's birth control would you?). This is the point in your life where you need to trust that you have raised your daughter correctly and she will realise her own mistakes eventually and correct them, but you cannot wrap her in cotton wool any more. That is no longer your job (in fact, cotton wool is not good for children anyway, but time for you to unwrap it). And I'm pretty sure invading her privacy is NOT a rule that is acceptable so stay the heck off her phone and laptop, etc.

I know, you will ask, do I need to stand by and watch this happen? Pretty much, once you have mentioned to her your concerns, yes, you do. You don't need to beat your concerns over her head 20 times.

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