Infatuated 17 year old son

Judy - posted on 01/10/2016 ( 11 moms have responded )

7

0

1

My problem started when our then 16 year old son was pursued by an 18 year old girl, when they attended the same school. She was from a large city and moved to our town to live with her mother and 2 year old half-sister. She had a totally different upbringing than our son did and I had a bad feeling about her, knowing she would not be a good influence on him. Her mother does not take a lot of interest in what she does, so she comes and goes as she pleases. They met in his automotive class, a class she took because she knew it would be full of boys and she was determined to find a boyfriend. She latched onto my son telling him all of her problems. She has written him notes saying she can't wait to spend the rest of her life with him and she can't imagine her life without him in it. I can see she is terrified of losing him, although my son would never leave her. This is his first girlfriend and he loves the attention. When my son is not in school and she is not working, they are together constantly. There are hundreds of daily text messages and hours of talking on cell phones, when they are not in each other's company. Phone calls are always in private and my son does not disclose any information when I ask questions. Lately, I find that our son is following her behavior. He doesn't check with us, his parents, first to see if we are in agreement, before the two of them make plans to go away together or do other things. Our son drives and has his own car. My husband does not support me on my feelings and thinks it is cute that she is so attached to our son. My husband also doesn't mind that our son is sexually active with her. I feel our son is abandoning all morals we have taught him. Needless to say, this girl has taken over our son's life completely.
At this point, they have know each other for 16 months. Now he is 17 and she is 19 and I can see that they are headed for marriage. I don't know how soon, but it will happen. They are madly in love with each other. Am I wrong, seeing this as an obsessive relationship and not normal behavior.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Michelle - posted on 01/11/2016

3,555

8

3244

Then the main problem is actually your husband!
He needs to be on the same page and actually parent.
So what if your son "hits the roof" if you take his phone away. If he doesn't pay for it then you can take it. A phone isn't a necessity for life.

11 Comments

View replies by

Raye - posted on 01/12/2016

3,761

0

21

I would like to say that your husband sounds like a jerk, but that wouldn't be very helpful to you. If you don't have him backing you, then you are stuck. You just have to hope for the best, and hope nothing comes up for you to throw it in your husband's face and say "I told you we should have done something". When the boy is 18, he can go out on his own (unprepared fore realities of life because of your husband) and sink or swim by his choices.

Judy - posted on 01/12/2016

7

0

1

Raye, we do pay his car insurance for him and he is suppose to pay us back in return, but he is behind on his payments to us. I agree 100%, our son wants to be treated as an adult, and being an adult is more than "playing house" with his girlfriend. There are other responsibilities. This is what I try to explain to my husband all the time, but he continues to make excuses for our son. My husband doesn't want to say or do anything that will cause a rift between him and our son....he would rather let it slide. If I do not have my husbands support, it is difficult to enforce house rules.
As for the phone, my son would never hand over his cellphone in order for us to monitor what is being exchanged between him and his girlfriend....he carries it with him 24/7.
It is an awful situation which has gotten completely out of hand, as long as he has been together with this girl. It has been a challenging situation for me, to say the least.

Judy - posted on 01/12/2016

7

0

1

Thank you Jodi. I would never have expected this type of behavior from my son....it caught me completely off-guard. This past year has been emotionally exhausting for me. We have never had any behavioral problems with our son until this girl zeroed in on him. I honestly believe that if her upbringing were more stable, with decent values, things would be different, but I can't do anything about that now. I will remind my son that his actions are not acceptable. Your post has brought me some insight knowing that I am not the only parent with these unfortunate circumstances. I will try to be positive and I wish you all the best in the weeks to come, with your son. Hopefully our teenagers will begin to understand, sooner rather than later.

Raye - posted on 01/12/2016

3,761

0

21

Judy, if your son is not paying his car insurance, (if it's mandatory where you live), then tell him he can't drive. No matter who owns the car, you will not let him break the law. Don't pay the insurance for him. If he drives anyway, report him to the police. If they find him and pull him over, he'll most likely get a ticket, and have to present proof of insurance to the court. If he wants to be treated as an adult, then he must either live up to adult responsibilities or face real world adult consequences. If he has money to spend on his girlfriend, then he has money to pay his insurance.

I agree with Jodi, that your husband needs to stop enabling the boy. It's not helping teach him right from wrong. Maybe some things you could lighten up on, but your husband shouldn't let EVERYthing slide. I also agree that disapproving of the girl might push them closer together.

As far as the cell phone, all parents need to have access to their child's cellphone, tablets, computers, etc to monitor for inappropriate or illegal behavior. Because he's still underage, one nudie pic sent from him to his girlfriend and that is called child porn and is illegal. He might not think it's a big deal, as so many young guys find it hilarious to text pics of their penis to girls, it's still against the law and can get people sent to JAIL. Parents need to be able to see what their kids are doing online, in texts, and on social media, to keep them out of trouble for something they think is "innocent fun".

Jodi - posted on 01/11/2016

3,535

36

3906

Make sure you let him know the behaviour is unacceptable - it isn't. This is why I've told my son that this is not a hotel with free rooms.....and that if he isn't prepared to live up to his responsibilities, then he needs to find somewhere that will accept his behaviour. However, I guess I am just relieved he finished school and is 18. I'm also not experiencing insults or having him swear at me - I think he realises that would take it to a place that he couldn't come back from. It must be far more difficult with a child who is still in school.

I wish I had better advice. I really do. But at the moment I am just exercising as much patience as a I can and I'm really having to harden up with the "shape up or ship out". The next week or two will tell. I guess I just wanted to let you know that this is not an unusual pattern, and that someone out here feels your pain.

I guess I should just be thankful that he doesn't do drugs, isn't in jail, and hasn't knocked his girlfriend up yet......

Judy - posted on 01/11/2016

7

0

1

Oh my goodness Jodi, when I read your post it is exactly what I am going through. At long last someone who understands my perspective. The points you bring up are precisely what I am living through right now. Our son works part time and is suppose to pay his car insurance...he is behind on payments, while he spends all kinds of money on his girlfriend. He never lets me know what his plans are. The only time I know where he is, is when he is in school. He barely says hello or speaks to me. He doesn't help with chores around the house since he is always busy with her. If I ask him to do anything, an argument starts...so I just don't bother asking any longer. He has said some very hurtful things, swearing at me and insulting me, which I cry over. He is an only child and it so hard since I feel I have "bent over backwards" for him and now this is how he acts towards me. His attitude with his father is completely different than the way he behaves with me, which is also upsetting. I will try to be patient.

Jodi - posted on 01/11/2016

3,535

36

3906

Welcome to the world of young adults finding their wings. I know where you are coming from better than you think. I am experiencing a very similar issue right now, except my son is 18 and has finished school..... It's painful, it's disappointing, it's scary and it's emotionally draining. I totally get it.

However, this is actually a pretty normal progression in their lives. I have been doing a lot of soul searching on this exact issue and my mind went back to when I was 18 and had finished school and thought I was an adult (at 18) and I did EXACTLY the same thing to my parents. I actually plan on calling my mother today and telling her I am sorry for what I put her through back then......I understand better now.

But I have to let him live his life, and if he can't abide by our house rules and be respectful of his agreement at home, then he needs to leave. He is required to pay rent...;.and he is yet to start paying it. He is required to let me know of his plans if he isn't home. He's not even coming home half the time and not letting me know. He is to be respectful to others in the home....when he does come home he barely says hello to anyone else in the family. He is required to keep his room tidy (doesn't have to be perfect, but an effort should be made).....his room is still a swamp. He is required to contribute to the household chores.......he is only doing this if I ask him and he is 18, shouldn't need to be asked to get it done. So yeah, he sounds like he is on his way out. He was given a very serious warning yesterday.....and after he left, I broke down crying. This is hard. It's okay for you to be upset by this. It's okay for you to feel angry, sad, whatever it is you feel. But it is actually normal behaviour at this age - I see it all the time (I am also a teacher of teenagers).

Judy - posted on 01/11/2016

7

0

1

Thank you for your post Michelle. Yes, my husband lets our son do what he wants, with no questions asked, while I am more stricter and expect our son to obey rules and not do things that I find disrespectful. But when I try to enforce the rules, it ends up becoming an argument, with my husband hollering at me, while he defends and makes excuses for our son. I am trying to keep a positive outlook, but I find it heart-breaking that this is happening in our household.

Judy - posted on 01/10/2016

7

0

1

Michelle, thank you for your reply. That is part of my problem. Before our son met this girl, there were never any behavioral problems that we had to deal with. He always followed rules, helped around the house and was never disrespectful. Now my husband does not want to reprimand him for his actions, doesn't want to tell him there are consequences if he doesn't follow rules. Our son knows he can get away with doing what he wants. I am always the "bad guy" and my husband is just enabling him to continue. If I were to take his phone away as punishment, he would "hit the roof". It's almost as if I can't parent him properly because if I say something he doesn't agree with or doesn't like he will lose his temper with me. A very sad situation.

Michelle - posted on 01/10/2016

3,555

8

3244

There's nothing you can do. The more you dislike the relationship the more determined they will be to stay together.
The best thing you can do is put boundaries in place in your home. Write up a contract about how you expect him to behave while living under your roof. Include a curfew and stipulations about letting you know where he is. Also have consequences for not following the contract like no internet, taking away things you have paid for, making his own meals.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms