Inherited Adult Asberger - Not My Kid

Kay - posted on 10/02/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I am not a Mom of an asberger but a sister in law. I have only been married less than 4 yrs and am no kid - have raised my 4 children... This brother is 57 yrs old and lived his entire life with his Mother until she died at age 87. He has had no job in 9 yrs, no money, can't live independently, argues about anything, and knows everything there is to know about everything with a huge inability to keep his mouth shut. His Mother never had him diagnosed but expected my husband to take care of this guy the rest of his life. We were already in marriage counseling - and the counselor advised against it. But where do adult asbergers go?????? I have contacted the state -- got him SNAP benefits - Medicaid -- he interviews poorly so cannot get a job - and I have contacted every volunteer agency I know of to get him active. He is a slob. He can't even go to the grocery store to buy one thing without making a mistake - My husband is ADHD and a narcissist. So.. how can he help his brother??? He really can't.

We had an argument a few weeks ago that the brother overheard so he went to his job counselor and told her all about it. Personal business that had NOTHING to do with him or his job hunting. He totally destroyed my reputation - and now these people refuse to talk to ME. I have done nothing but try to help this guy and THIS is the treatment I get?

If his Mother was still here.. I'd demand an explanation of why she would be so presumptuous and SELFISH to expect someone else to house this guy who has learned NO independent living skills ( can't handle money - can't use a stove - gets lost every time he goes somewhere - has NO friends - NO hobbies and what do you do???

Ladies -- you who have young kids - you are at a distinct advantage to get them diagnosed early - that will enable you to get state benefits if you need them - even housing for them when the time comes. You have resources that are offered in your community.. Use them. It's too late for us -- this man is too old and there was no documentation to support our claim prior to 2015. If there had been - he would have been taken care of. Now it's just stressful - frustrating - counter productive - causing problems in our marriage - and I didn't ask for any of this.

Good luck to you all. Asbergers is challenging enough.. But to have a husband with ADHD and narcissim?? Heaven help me. I always believed I could make a difference by bringing order to the chaos.. Now I'm asking why should I?? Why?

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Dove - posted on 10/02/2015

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If he has disabilities that make it so that he can not hold a job he can apply for SSI. He may not be approved and it may take a while, but it's a possibility. You can also contact your local DHS office (likely where you got the SNAP from) and see what resources they have available or if they know of any 'halfway house' type of environment that he may qualify for..

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Dove - posted on 10/03/2015

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If he is denied SSI... you can appeal. It took me 3 denials and 2 years to be approved. I also had no documentation available until my mid 30's (and I'm almost 39 now). Good luck!

Kay - posted on 10/03/2015

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Thank you both for your suggestions. He is not eligible for housing - What is astonishing to me is that the counselors ( job) he works with KNOW he can't hold a job but insist they wil find him one but could take a year. I can look online as well as anyone. But more astounding was the resources they claimed they had?? I asked about clubs - social activities - anything.. He is home 7 days a week doing NOTHING. I have uncovered every volunteer opportunity I could find. The latest?? He is dragging his feet and has told the counselors he feels "Pressured". I am now separated from my husband because of this. His approach and mine are not the same. Hard enough dealing with asbergers - but now I have to fight my husband?? Yes, the ADHD and narcissist husband. I am exhausted.

I know he would really thrive in a group home ( my niece has lived in one almost all of her 45 years) but he does not qualify.

Kay - posted on 10/03/2015

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Thank you for your reply.. I did apply and got SNAP benefits for him. I also got him Medicaid. Because he was not diagnosed until 57 with aspbergers, there is no previous documentation. I was told by state officials that he would have needed to be diagnosed by age 22 to be eligible for housing. He can't live independently. I have applied for sSI but there is no current therapy going on 0 and only the report from the psychotherapist from 2015. He will most likely get denied. I have been advised to take it to a SS attorney and go from there.

Sarah - posted on 10/02/2015

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Could you apply for welfare benefits and seek a group home living environment for him? The staff will help him learn tasks of independent living and if he can't be employed, he can in charge of tasks at the home. I work with a lot of adult SN clients at a camp each summer and many thrive in a group home setting.

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