Inlaws hate me and not sure why... help??

Kimberly - posted on 09/25/2009 ( 25 moms have responded )

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My husband and i have been together for almost ten years now and his parents still seem to hate me. I make thier son happy and gave them four beautiful grandkids. Still not sure what i'm doing wrong.

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Jodi - posted on 09/26/2009

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In my experience my advice would be to be kind and respectful when you're around them. You say you have been putting up with these feelings for ten years of marriage. I hope at some point you have sat down with them and told them how you are feeling. If you have not, you must. People can't change if they are not aware they are offending you. If you have and they still choose to treat you as though they don't like you, you have done all you can. Just be an example for your children. Teach them that through-out life you are always going to meet people that dont like you (even relatives) but you dont change who you are, you remain kind and respectful.

[deleted account]

Quoting Kimberly:

Inlaws hate me and not sure why... help??

My husband and i have been together for almost ten years now and his parents still seem to hate me. I make thier son happy and gave them four beautiful grandkids. Still not sure what i'm doing wrong.



Because you stepped in between them and their baby boy, :)



Lots of in laws (especially mothers) can't complete accept their children's spouses. If they want to dislike you so much there is NOTHING you can do about it and the best thing you can do is not let something that you can't control affect you. But one great thing they are teaching you is how not to be when your child marries. :D

Mary - posted on 09/25/2009

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My in laws hate me too.
My mother in law was widowed when my husband was young and has played the victim/helpless card all her life. She never tried to better herself with education.
She put all her eggs in one basket; her kids lives.
My husband had real trouble until realizing after we were married about 6 years that the Bible says that a man leaves his mother to cleave to his wife. That did it for him. He has been loyal to me sine and we just celebrated our 20th.
My husbands younger sister never really seperated from her mother. She married and had a baby by a much older man and when it didn't work out she moved back in with mother. She didn't divorce the older man and now they all live in one household. But it seems to work for them.
Some mothers just cannot let go of their sons and harshly judge the new young wife.
When in reality they are supposed to guide and teach them. Sons wives in older cultures (China for example) belong to the husbands family/household after the wedding and leave their own behind. The sons wife is seen and treated as another daughter. I wish this had been the case for me. I see and feel the gaping hole where I was not welcome into my mother in laws world. She even went so far as distancing herself from our children and only putting up pictures of her other grandkids in her home. This hurt our children greatly.
I admit I was not a perfect new young wife 20 years ago. I am 45 now and have raised 6 kids. I am alot wiser now than back then. I see where my mother in law rejected me in very specific areas. The hurt is great. I see how we could have been a closer family had she chosen to lovingly guide me rather that harshly judge my immature attempts at being a wife and mothering. And in the end, in believe it is the older women in the families that should be responsible for guiding the new younger wives and mothers in the family. There is a right way and a wrong way to do it. Done in loving understanding and acceptance relationships can flourish. Done in jealousy and harsh judgement families fracture as ours have.
With all this in mind, I want to be the kind of mother in law that I never had when my kids eventually marry.

And regarding your father in law. He is probably just siding with his wife so as to keep peace. A jealous mother in law can gather entire hordes on her side and it can get quite ugly. The other relatives just hear one side of any given story, forgetting that there are always two sides and that the truth is in the middle somewhere. I suspect this is what you are experiencing.

Just hang in there. As another poster suggested, get them back by beinmg married 10 more years! It what makes me keep going some days. Our marriage is good and I have now after almost 21 years of marriage officially had him longer that his mother ever did! Ha! And when we celebrate our 50th anniversary someday I will have had him even longer, but she will be long gone. Oh well. She had her chance and blew it by rejecting me as his wife. And that is HER loss, not mine. True, my kids went without her as a grandmother, but she missed out too on their 6 lives she could have been a part of but cruelly chose not to.
Mary~

Erin - posted on 09/26/2009

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some people just arent happy with anything and think that NOBODY is good enough for their child..dont take it personal..

[deleted account]

also, it helps a LOT if your husband sees that something is not right and is willing to back you up if necessary. I never could get mine to stand up for me when it was needed.

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Libby - posted on 12/26/2012

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My mother in law and sister in law make me feel like Cinderella. The two of them are together constantly and are the best of friends. They all get together for the holidays and leave our family out intentionally. My husband and I have been together for 16 years. I have never done anything to either of these women. My sister in law has been a hateful creep since she married my bro in law in 2003. They are evil and jealous and it breaks my heart. Worst of all is my husband just sits back and lets them hurt me. He's a coward when it comes to defending me. All we can do is be good moms & wives.... and I can still rock a bikini (which really pisses them off). LOL!!! Be the best you can be...that's all you have control over. My heart goes out to you.

Shannon - posted on 09/26/2009

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If you feel they hate you, your husband has probably already heard about it from you. My suggestion is to talk to his mom and say I get the impression that you don't like me but I'm not sure what I did wrong. It may not be that they hate you, it may just be their way of relating to the evil woman that stole their little boy. No, but really, either they are having a hard time with the fact that he's a grown up and has his own family (my brother in law's family) or they just relate differently and don't realize they are putting a negative light on how they interact with you (my husband's family). It took me 5 years and a conversation with his mom to figure out my husband's parents don't hate me, she just is uncomfortable around me because she doesn't want to be seen as the interferring mother in law and he's just type A. She actually said she thinks her son has improved who he is since we have been together and she thinks I'm a great mother to her grandkids. But that took 5 years before I felt comfortable approaching her and she chose to respond honestly. Try it. It might help.

Kimberly - posted on 09/26/2009

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Quoting Kimberly:

Inlaws hate me and not sure why... help??

My husband and i have been together for almost ten years now and his parents still seem to hate me. I make thier son happy and gave them four beautiful grandkids. Still not sure what i'm doing wrong.


This is how it is.... They will invite us over to their house for a meal or an occaison and as soon as i leave they will say to my husband that i did or said something disrespectful or inappropiate. My husband always comes to my defence due to the fact he is always right ther with me. That tends to make things worse. I don't ever disrespect them and never will considering they created and raise the love of my life. They have two other sons and one of them is married with child and they don't do this to his wife. This constant back and forth behavior of liking me then hating me is really beginning to hurt their relationship with the kids. We don't spend time with them in fear of them saying something bad about me in front of the kids. Just wanted to say thank you to you moms you have been very helpful!!!!

Allison - posted on 09/26/2009

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Well thats kinda hard to give a reason, because i dont kno u and how u r towards them, maybe u should call ur mother in law on a day noboby else is around except kids of course and ask her to come to lunch and come play with the kids and try to talk to her and let her kno how u feel about her, and how much u would love to have ur whole family happy as one!

Ashley - posted on 09/26/2009

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Kimberly, I know how you feel. I have been with my boyfriend for a little over two years. We have an amazing little boy together. When my boyfriend and I got together we ended living together with his mother. At that time she was great to me. I helped her pay the bills, put groceries in the fridge and even helped them with their family cleaning business. When I found out I was pregnant with her son's child she told me to either "abort or get out" so because I will never abort any child I packed my stuff and told my boyfriend that he could move with me to be a family or stay with his mother and never meet his child. We ended up calling my father at 12am to clear our move home. From that moment on his mother calls me names such as that little cunt. Yes it hurts me greatly but I have decided that until she can accept me and my son into her lives she has no right to be around us. We were in a discussion the other day about planning our wedding and my boyfriend was saying he doesn't want "someone" to come and I said well that's okay he won't come but neither will your mother. Although i don't know how to help you the best advice I have is to say whatever.. Be the better adult and show your kids that no matter what they won't be able to hurt you by not liking you.

C. - posted on 09/26/2009

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Dont worry about it. Just keep showing love. Inform your husband how you feel, pray about it and move on.

Zoe - posted on 09/26/2009

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hi its zoe i dont think u are doing anything wrong its just da way some people are my parents have no time 4 my husband but as he says its me dat he lives with not them
so ive just left it alone they will c sence soon enough

Sharon - posted on 09/26/2009

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Some more information would be helpful.



In my case the answer was easy - I was the wrong race.



I am no ones door mat - I don't take dirt or shit from anyone and I made certain to make that known after a year of trying to be polite and nice and sucking up my hurt feelings when ever they felt like dishing out the crap.



10 years? no way. I hope that at the least they are treating you with respect.

Cristy - posted on 09/25/2009

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for me and my former in-laws.. the fact that I was breathing just irritated them.

Seriously though, talk to your husband about the tensions you are feeling regarding his parents. If he can't give you any insight OR if he doesn't recognize anything is wrong then talk to a counselor. Sometimes talking it out will help you clarify what exactly they do that gives you this feeling.

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I'm sure they don't hate you, and sure you aren't doing anything wrong. My personal experience is that my inlaws always tried to change everything i was doing with my son, because THEY didn't do it that way with their kids.

Erica - posted on 09/25/2009

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I'm wondering if it might be that they are different than what you are used to. Maybe its the difference that is causing you to think they don't like you. My mother in law often uses a tone of voice that makes me feel defensive, but after learning more about her and seeing her with others, I now understand that it doesn't reflect how she feels about me. I also mistook a common expression their whole family uses for a long time as meaning something entirely different than what it really means - according to my husband at least. I call it the difference in our family "cultures", although we come from the same religious background and our families have many other similarities. We've had to work through a few things ourselves because of the differences, but I think its normal. One thing I'd suggest is watching to see how your in-laws treat others - see if they use the same tone of voice and expressions with others as they do you. If not, I like the suggestion others have made to talk to them yourself and clear the air. Be careful about asking your hubby to do it for you though. He's their son, but he owes first allegiance to you because you are the one with whom he has chosen to live his life now. What I mean about being careful is that it might be better for you to communicate this with his parents so that they can personally see your heart is in the right place and you just want peace in your relationship with them. If your hubby does it, they might wonder why you didn't come to them in the first place and who else you told about how you feel. I agree with everyone, though, that if you are a good wife and mother, they have no reason to dislike you.

Jesusita - posted on 09/25/2009

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I agree with Ana, there is nothing your husband can do unless they disrespect you. If you put your husband in the middle it will cause problems in your marriage. I had no problems with my father-in-law, it was my mother-in-law. I just showed her respect and loved her dispite of. But I found out before she died, that she did not hate me, that was just the way she treated everyone.

Ana M - posted on 09/25/2009

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I'm sorry but I don't agree with you girls. They may not be doing anything wrong from their point of view. They just can't let go!!! Try to be respectful and part of it is to respect their decisions and your husband feelings . There is nothing he can't do unless they disrespect you...that's a different story...But if they don't, don't put him in the middle...they are his parents and he can force them (and no one can't) to like someone.....I'm sure it's not you but what you represent for them....be confident in what you do and eventually they'll change their mind.

Jcee - posted on 09/25/2009

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It's okay my father-in-law hates me too. All I think you can do is be nice&&&give them no reason to dislike/hate you. Or maybe you can ask your husband to go&&&talk to them. I know it makes things akward but you have to do it for the kids right?

Ana M - posted on 09/25/2009

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Yes..you'r right..You may not have done anything wrong. You just took their son away from them...that's how many in-laws see it instead of thinking that they got another child...I'm not sure, but feels like you should just keep doing what you think is right and don't try to be liked by them. Eventually they'll apreciatte what you do....Does your husband and kids love you...that's what counts...

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You can't change people - they are what they are. All you can do is be polite and try to get along. With some people that don't even work.



Unless your husband allows them to treat you badly I would not worry about it.



Some mothers have a hard time letting go of their children. They can't accept that their kids have a life of their own. Learn from their mistake and try hard not to make the same one with your kids.



As for the inlaws? Get even and stay together another 10 years, :)

Angela - posted on 09/25/2009

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I agreed with Angie, try to talk to your husband about it and maybe he can talk to his parents of whats going on. So everyone can start healing and move on.

Sherita - posted on 09/25/2009

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Hi, my name is sherita. mabey u should try to sit down and have a talk with them. If u have been a good wife and a mother there is no reason why they shouldnt like you..I know u want them to but dont worrie yourself about it let god take care of that.. u keep on being a good wofe and mother to your family!!!!!

Angie - posted on 09/25/2009

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I'm sure they don't hate you. Talk honestly with your husband and get his advice, he knows his parents and can help you heal your realationship with them. Good luck!

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